Andrea.....
sending you "HUGS" and strength to get through this horrific mess and pain like you have never felt before Your wayward husband made the decision for you....he took your vote away..and voted for you....
he is "broken"...he has poor mal-adapted coping skills, he is selfish and needs to put in the work to dig deep within himself to learn his reasons and explain it to you..thats the only way he will fix himself.
Do not make any major decisions at this time. I suggest you read the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Friends" its a wonderful and extremely helpful book to not only help you but if you decide to "R", have your WH read and help him. ... amazon has it..go here to the healing library also....
All the emotions and feelings you are experiencing are normal...we all as faithful spouses went thru the excact same things
the pain is excruciating....
and...yes same as you ..i felt humiliated, i felt embarassed especially as a man, i felt pain in my "Heart of Hearts" like i had never before experienced...and the mind pictures....still show up and im 21 months out from d-day
Eat..stay hydrated ,exercize and get into IC....get a therapist that specializes in infidelity..and more importantly that therapist doesnt belive the affair is to be blamed on the faithful spouse. Get into MC if you decide to "R" and he needs "IC".
My Dr. prescribed lexapro to help me cope and it did help. I took Advil PM to sleep...it helped and is not habit forming as prescription sleep-drugs are.
I got 3 tickets from the camera stop light tickets..and didnt even remember driving thru the lights when they were "RED".
I dropped 35# in 6 weeks after my D-day and also was hospitalized for 2 days with severe chest pains (i thought i was having a heart attack)
I did not toss her out, I did not paint black "X"s over her face on all our pictures..although I did have the can of spray paint in my hand several times. Having her in the house and see my pain and experience it first hand helped us in "R".
The good news is does get better...but takes time and SI has been wonderful for me. Your new friends will help you. Come here often and post often. Most importantly, marriages can and do survive infidelity..and can become better/stronger then they were before, but it takes a lot of hard work. Life is a journey, but the most difficutly journey is the journey within ourselves.
once again...sending you hugs and strength..
me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks.and was hospitalized 2-days for chest pains)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards. My friends @ SI prompted me to advise AP's faithful spouse
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly ...its a long road....and painful