SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes I know, so does everyone else including me.

Why do you feel sorry for your husband, and when did you first start feeling sorry for him?

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 7:47 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Yes I know, so does everyone else including me. But at least I am trying to get help and lessen the blow when and if it comes out.

There is no softening of the blow, You can't soften the discovery of infidelity or the Confession of it. It hurts to the Soul

In my honest opinion you don't feel sorry enough for him. I, a stranger on the internet has more compassion for him than his own wife.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 7:50 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

In my honest opinion you don't feel sorry enough for him. I, a stranger on the internet has more compassion for him than his own wife.

Yes that could true, but thats also because you have been down a path before with this and I have not. I cannot even imagine how bad it will get but many of you can because you have been there.

I feel sorry for him because he does not know the truth about me and what I've done to our marriage. I would feel sorry for anyone in that situation, that does not mean I want to tell him though. at least not right now. I'm not a horrible person, I'm a confused self centered selfish person that loved the attention and fell in love with her AP not intending to. I'm much like many of you were. Just haven't had to deal with the discovery and healing yet.

I can relate to you but also can tell you if you do decide to tell it will take some of those feelings and will be able to process them and make yourself better. Once I told my BS everything I was a bit better. I still feel like the worst wife ever but hoping with IC and MC and my BS's forgiveness I will get better.

I feel sorry for him because he does not know the truth about me and what I've done to our marriage. I would feel sorry for anyone in that situation,

Think about this the next time you write an email in your head to your AP

I feel sorry for him because he does not know the truth about me and what I've done to our marriage.

So what do you plan to do to rectify this situation?

I would feel sorry for anyone in that situation, that does not mean I want to tell him though. at least not right now.

No doubt, the very idea of telling him must be terrifying. But if not now, when? And what will change between now and then (whenever then is) to make this easier for you or him? Maybe you should list all of the good reasons his healing should begin later rather than sooner, if you can come up with any. And if you can't come up with any...

Confused, BS here.

There is no softening the blow. Trust me. Nothing could have prepared me for that kind of pain.

Did I want total honesty? Of course I did. No matter how much it hurt. By being in an A, he wasted my time. I didn't want anymore time spent on lies or omissions. My time is precious.

He told me the basics and I took it from there. If I wanted to know, I asked. He answered everything honestly and patiently. I asked my first question in moment one and my most recent question, 2 weeks ago. Someone's tagline on here reads: R isn't for pussy's. They aren't kidding!

Two weeks after D-day, he bought and read, After the Affair by Janis A Spring. He asked me to do the same (which I did). I recommend this.

Your H knows something is wrong or he is thinking he is crazy/blaming himself for your non-energetic marriage. As I said to my H, "how did you think our marriage could survive with this secret between us?". It wouldn't have.

Good luck.

But at least I am trying to get help and lessen the blow when and if it comes out.

There is no softening the blow. Period.

As a BS, I wanted to decide what I knew of the infidelity, and when.

I wasn't given that opportunity. Others decided how to "lessen the blow."

I'll tell you right now: it wasn't the infidelity that ended my marriage. Not even close.

ETA: You're nowhere close to NC with OM if you're writing emails to him in your head. There are techniques for gaining MENTAL NC--I am sure some of the experienced WSs would be happy to share.

Until you're really NC, you aren't really out of the affair.

I'm puzzled what you're waiting for, in terms of telling your husband. I don't know what time will achieve, other than add more lies. Each day of not telling is...well. Again. For me, it wasn't the infidelity that ended my marriage. It was the secrets and lies, held over time.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:55 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

I am 10 months nc with my AP and there are days I feel like you do. I am the same age and I also have not confessed. I am doing better every day and my marriage is improving too. It takes time and depending how long you were involved it may take longer. The people here have helped me see a lot about AP that I didn't want to as well as things about myself! Some words were harsh but needed and when I look back true! I was with my AP for five years and I have days I miss him but I miss the person I believed him to be not who he actually turned out to be! I think about what I would say to him as well! I have a great husband and i don't feel toward him how i did about my AP but its growing and getting better and a good life with love and happiness is starting to peek out. PM me i tried to send you one but I couldn't get it through! The people on here can sometimes say things that hurt, mostly because you dont want to believe it. They are really trying to help- many things I agreed with and learned from and there were a few I did not agree with. Everyone has a different situation so not all advice applies to all people. I still have bad days but not nearly as many as I did in the beginning! I see a future.

I feel sorry for him because he does not know the truth about me and what I've done to our marriage. I would feel sorry for anyone in that situation,

Think about this the next time you write an email in your head to your AP

This kind of feedback is not helpful. I can't control where my mind heads when I'm trying to sleep. I would love suggestions but what you are saying is about as far from helpful as one gets. You just like saying it over and over "you fucked up, you need to suffer and pay, you fucked up" yes I know I did ok, and so did you. So go look in the mirror and tell yourself the same thing if you need to but throwing it back in my face or trying to get your post count up by saying stuff like this is not constructive. I can control my actions and choices but I can't always control where my mind goes, as a WS I would think you could understand that. Afterall if we were all so gifted in intelligence and common sense we wouldn't be in this situation, but we are all dumbshits that thought we could handle it. guess what....every WS here couldn't handle it, so I'm joining the club whether you want me here or not.

I can't always control where my mind goes,

Bullcrap. As a WS, I'm here to say you can. But you have to want to. Its called redirecting your thoughts. Mental NC. When the "delightful and amazing" thoughts of your AP come into your mind, force them out. Big red stop sign in your mind. Think of your husband instead, when your super awesome AP comes to mind.

You CAN do it. You however don't want to and the blame "the fog" for it.

WS have walked this path. And that is why FRM has been saying what he's saying. Getting his post count up? Puh-leeze. He's been an upstanding, amazing rolemodel for newbie WS since, oh....2007. If you can your anger and listen to him, you may be shocked to find out, he's right.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 10:49 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

If the other BS knows about the A, are you afraid she will out the A to your H? If not, why not? I would be sick with those thoughts about my H finding out.

Bullcrap. As a WS, I'm here to say you can. But you have to want to. Its called redirecting your thoughts. Mental NC.

I'm not as talented, when I sleep I try to relax so this is not actually relaxing. I try to think of other things. I am not thinking about how wonderful he is etc, I'm writing a letter in my head. You don't understand what I'm saying or asking.

It's like if you've done a repetitive task during the day, like cutting out shapes or something for school, then you go to bed an find yourself waking up or not able to sleep because your mind is still cutting those shapes. You know you dont need to think about those damn shapes but they are in your mind. My letter writing to AP is on my mind. Eventually they will pass and I'm sure of it but until then I am still awaking with those damn things I feel I need to say to him.

It's great that you and floridared agree so much on your tactics with new waywards but to me they are not helpful to just rub my nose in it. Yes I know, you know, we all know. I'm here to get better, to be better. For me those comments are not necessary. If I could control my thoughts then I would be sleeping through the night. Duh!

If the other BS knows about the A, are you afraid she will out the A to your H? If not, why not? I would be sick with those thoughts about my H finding out.

Yes I do worry about this however I think the risk is fairly low. Neither of us have confided in anyone else so it's all up to his BS in a way. Which is not a good situation for me I know. Because their marriage was already on the way out I don't think she will do anything to hurt my family. and btw I've heard it all before from everyone here about how he is lying to me and he's still with his wife and they are still having sex etc so I shouldn't believe what he says but I do. They are going through with the divorce. When she confronted him she didn't ask more than 2 questions about the affair and just said I think we should proceed with teh divorce we've been putting off. Next day things were normal, no affair talk since. He's in in his new place.

My worry is she will tell a friend or family member who will get mad and convince her to tell my BS or do it themselves. My hope is she wont. I'm hoping she wants to keep her life private and not tell people her husband had an affair. Then the "why's and how comes" start and I dont think she wants to deal with that. Her friends and family knew they were headed toward divorce and they never spent time together with anyone outside their kids together. They were basically separated but living together.

But yes I do worry about that. I am a worrier and that is one big reason I want him to know before someone else tells him. I guess if he found out from someone else I would tell him the affair is over and I was trying to save him the pain. Which is true.

Pastthelies: I would love to PM you but neither of us have enough posts to do so. Once you reach 50 you can send messages. Once I do I will reach out to you as I think we are both in a very similar situation. My affair was not nearly as long but very similar emotions and reasons for questioning our marriage. HOpefully we can be there to support one another with whatever path we take. I've often thought it would be nice to find another woman in my situation to email when we trigger or need to talk to someone. Someone that is going through the same thing.

It's like when you have a baby and you can talk for an hour about your child teething with another mom in the same boat, yet you tell a friend without kids or kids that are grown and they don't want to talk about it for more than a few minutes because they are over that stage. You and I are at the same stage basically. I found your old post explaining your situation, that's how I know.

I know I'm messed up but I will get better. Even if it means a divorce. I am a strong person and I can survive and be better in the long run for my family. Right now my family gets crumbs from me, the same thing I was feeling I was getting from the AP in the end. I know it's a crappy feeling and I can do better than that. I need to start sleeping, start eating more and drinking more water, walk more and focus on a task.I get mad at the kids very easily when I'm mad at the AP. How fair is that? Crappy I know but I feel frustrated and cant snap out of it and it carries over into home life. I will get better, time will be my friend and hopefully you will too : )

Confused -

BS here, responding to your question.

I had very definite things I did and did not want to know about my WH's A. It is different for every BS.

Here's the thing - you have already made choices for your BH about his life, huge choices, without his input. IMHO, you ought to have all the info ready if he wants it, and answer anything he wants to know, without trying to cover your own ass or make decisions about what he " needs" to know. That kind of honesty and willingness to give what he needs at possible cost to yourself, has the potential to go a long way in your favor if you stay together. If you hold back, he will likely " know" on some level and it's immensely damaging later if it comes out - I know this from personal experience.

If you are going to confess, lay it all out there at once, whatever he wants. It's better in the long run, and a better chance for R.

The "tactics" you vehemently hate so much? They were preached to us when we were newbies too.

You're after the mythical thing called closure. You wanna hash it all out with your AP, ask questions, blah, blah, blah. I promise you, there is no such thing as closure.

If you practiced mental NC instead of writing letters in your head all day, you wouldn't be up at night doing the same thing. Much like those shapes you used as an example...

Lack of sleep? Common for a WS. It's called guilt.

I'm here to get better, to be better. For me those comments are not necessary.

Aren't necessary? Or just not what you want to hear?

Look Confused, we get it ok. You want everyone to agree with you, show you the easy way out, tell you that it's ok to think about the AP, to not tell your husband, pretend that nothing ever happened, and all is well with the world. But that's simply not the case. Infidelity is a nasty business. And the answers are not what you want to hear. And it's not easy.

Being healthy isn't for everyone. Many WS walk away and stay wayward till they die. Cause they don't want to do the hard work. They don't want to face the cold hard facts. And they resent having to face consequences.

Look, I'm not here cause I get a thrill out of bashing newbies. I'd get banned for that crap. I'm here cause I care about you and hope that you wake up and realize that while you're pining for a man that's emotionally unavailable, you're doing the same dang thing to your husband. Total double standard. So, it's ok for you to do it to your husband, but your AP can't do it to you....? See the insanity in that logic?

If you would rather me not post to you, I will quietly step away. But if you're looking for a different answer from anyone else, you aren't going to get it. The WS call people on their bull and hold their feet to the flames.

Good luck Confused. I'm really hoping for the best for you.

Thank you Waywards and especially Betrayed Spouses for your feedback on how best you would want to know the truth. I agree I need to have all info available to him should he want it, otherwise it looks like I am still trying to cover up lies. I just hope he doesnt ask to see it. I would rather tell him what things were said in my own words rather than have him read the details. I want him to know I went on vacation with the OM, that part is really killing me. I keep thinking who does that and gets a thrill from getting away with it and having a great time. Then I look in the mirror and can't believe I am that person. I've never been an addict to anything, I guess I found my drug and realize how hard it is to break a habit that is destructive.

Confused43,

BH here and I know it's hard to post and read all of this.

I just want to commend on sticking with it and encourage you to please keep at it. We all want you to become healthy. We really do.

I have a theory that may be useful in your case. A friend of mine is 34 years old and he's divorced twice. He is now with his thrid long term relationship (not married) and they are in road to a messy break up too. The three relationship involved cheating, against him. Just like you guys always talk about "serial cheaters", I think there are people who can be described as "serial cheated", and I think your husband may be one of them. My friend, just like your husband, was completely destroyed by infidelity in his early 20s. He was on antidepressants for a long time, which is weird because he seems to be the quiet, strong kind of guy. He got cheated and it was awful, then he got married again and he made a point of not being through that again. He explained her how bad it was, how painful, and she understood and swore that she will never do that. Well, three years down the road, the same thing happened again and, again, my friend was really hurt. Not so bad as the first time, but he gave no second chances. Fast forward some years and he found the girl she's with now. Well, he suspects that is happening again and he can't take any more heart breaks, so I think in the next few days is going run for his life. What I'm trying to say is that I think that some people are not made for relationships. They don't know how to communicate how vulnerable they are and, therefore, they place themselves in the situation of being cheated again and again. My friend also choose very poorly, but I think it would have happened with any kind of woman. He's the only male case I have supporting my theory, the rest of them are the martyr type wives, suffering infidelity over and over. But I see it a lot.

What I'm trying to get is: maybe your husband would be better off being single for a while? Have you thought about just divorcing him? You could spare him the confession, explaining him that you want an amicable divorce and you could remain as friends. Then, only if you can't prevent him from trying to get you back, tell him the truth (or part of it). Also it will give you time to think and to experience what is a life without him, and if you choose you want him back, then you could confess the whole truth.