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I remember that thread, it was from a long time ago. I think the breakup is for the best. Her desire to have children is natural and will never go away. At this point you are not even sure you will remarry as I understand it. Also you're not quite divorced yet. You already have kids and you're making decisions in their best interests.

Try to stay no contact with her so the two of you don't wind up getting back together again. I think your desire for space, alone time, peace, etc, is not compatible with her desire to start a real family of her own. From her point of view, if she is doing single mother adoption, then this is likely her last chance for a family. While I know you have suffered a tremendous loss, I don't understand how you can view her as selfish.

velveteer, you were getting so much great advice that I didn't see any need to jump in.

Now, I hope I can give you a measure of comfort. You are much better off being honest about how you feel and allowing her to move on to find someone who has the same interests as her in having a child.

I married my STBXH at 36. I held off having children, but had decided that I would do artificial insemination at 38 if I didn't find the right guy and get married.

Before getting too serious with my STBX when we were dating, I addressed the children issue. He had 3 biological children already and it was a concern for me not to waste time with someone who didn't want to have a child with me. He wholeheartedly agreed that down the road if we were became more serious, having a child was on the table.

Before I said yes to his M proposal 2 years later, I brought the subject up again. Again he was 100% for us having a baby in a few years after solidifying our M. Two and a half years after M, I was ready. I brought it up. He, at first, denied ever having the conversations. But then he admitted that he never really wanted to have anymore children. I'm Catholic. D wasn't even an option for me, maybe annulment, but at that point I was so in love with him and his children, I couldn't see going that route.

My STBXH has been selfish in everything since the day after we got M.

I wish he had been as honest with me as you were with her. One day, she will thank you. You will also look back and be glad that you didn't selfishly hold on to her. You did the right thing. I'm sorry that it hurts right now. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't the easiest or least painful.

Peace and hugs!

[This message edited by StillLivin at 5:50 PM, January 17th (Friday)]

So sorry, velveteer. It sounds like a situation in which neither of you can or should compromise. Sending you comfort. ((((velveteer))))

Still livin. Thank you so much. That means a lot to me right now it really does.

Absolut - I don't think she is being selfish. Not at all. This is deeply held desire of hers and won't be suppressed. I get it. But I can't do it - if anything I feel like the selfish one.

(((velveteer)))

Sending you peace and love and healing.

- if anything I feel like the selfish one.

You are being supremely unselfish by letting her go so she can have children with someone else down the road who will want them as much as she.

More hugs.

((((velveteer))))

I don't think you are being selfish for not wanting to adopt. I wouldn't either at this point. Be a step-mom? Sure, that I could do, but adopt?? Nope.

I've learned through this process that you can love someone, but sometimes the relationship just doesn't work.

Now you can take the time to properly grieve and just…rest.

I am too uncertain that I really want to adopt and I just don't think it is something that you can do with anything other than total conviction

Absolutely. I hoed the same tough row. Painful. Feel the hurt but keep your chin up.

-t2g