SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

please ,please get a lawyer---do not trust the cheater---you already know who he really is----continue the nc---he is such a jerk---I hate what he has put you thru---NEXT TIME TELL HIM THAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IN A MARRIAGE <WHEN ONE OF THE PARTNERS IS HAVING PROBLEMS IS TO TELL THAT PARTNER___TALK ABOUT IT-----NOT CHEAT__HE HAD AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR AND HE KNEW WHERE IT WAS GOING---HE NEVER GAVE YOU THE RESPECT YOU DESERVED____YOU DID___YOU WERE NOT HAPPY YET YOU NEVER CHEATED YOU RESPECTED YOUR VOWS____he is only playing the good guy because he wants to make sure you do not screw him in the financial settlement----think and get all that you deserve----you know the ow will get it if you don't fight for it---don't let her get all---you are the wife----don't be a fool get as much as you can and make sure your lawyer writes in that he pays the lawyers expenses---DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THAT HOUSE UNTIL YOU HAVE A LAWYER___I THINK THIS IS WHERE HE IS GOING TO GET YOU____PLEASE DO NOT MOVE UNTIL YOU HAVE LEGAL COUNSEL______STAY AWAY FROM HIM HAVE ONE OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS BE IN THE HOUSE FOR YOU_____HE IS UP TO NO GOOD

I ]am not a big fan of all caps but this really stuck out to me. We care about you so much. And all 40K+ are trying to reach out to you.

____HE IS UP TO NO GOOD

If nothing else please hear this^^^ You are smart you will make the right move...

(((((Hugs)))))

Last dance - thanks for your reply. I intend on keeping up the NC as is the rest of my family. I am in SD until 4 March but my brother is checking the mail & keeping an eye on the place. All valuables have been removed (including his!). I feel that he has more to lose than me financially as he has inherited half of his mother's property which I said I'm not interested in. However, once I see a lawyer officially I will see what he recommends. I don't want the lawyers to end up with most of it. Neither does my H as he is a tight ass! I can't believe it has got to this stage as he was such a genuine caring guy who seems to have turned in to a wolf overnight. We both worked hard to pay our mortgage off early & now this she bloke will benefit from that hard work!

Getting to Happy - thankyou for your reply & support. Like I said above it's hard to believe that the man I fell in love with all those years ago could turn in to the cruel deceitful man he is today. One who throw our marriage away on an ugly immoral troll! I so hope karma gives them what they both deserve!

Sorry, but what is a 40k?

Yet another update!!!

My sister informed me last night that the iMac was missing from our home! It was agreed that no assets would be taken from the home until our finances are sorted, in any case, I said I would take the iMac. I can only think of 2 reasons why he would take it, 1 to force me out of NC or 2 to snoop into my emails (even though I had already changed my password via the iPad). My brother did something via iCloud remotely which has wiped all the data from the iMac, so it will be useless to him anyway. He may have wanted to try & retrieve his led zep songs from iTunes for his iPhone but the loser can't remember his password!! Oh well, like I say all the data has been wiped from the iMac & without his password he won't be able to access iTunes from any device -  ha haha

Also, he still has the keys to the garage so the email to my brother about my sister being able to take the washing machine when she is ready was BS.....

do not trust him---he is not the same man you married----he will take all he can from you---he is in a selfish way now,he wants all for himself and his new love----make sure you have good legal protection and remember that things can change at the time you meet in court----no contact,please....this man does not care about your well being,,,,,,,be careful when you leave work ,he can be there waiting for you-----change your routine----do not go out alone---these are all precautions my lawer gave me----stay safe

Thanks last dance. I half expect him to stalk me the longer this NC goes on. I hope he does so I have reason to get a restraining order on him. I know not to trust him & know he is freaking out more about the finances than me as he has more to lose - he is worried I will go his half share in his mum's property. That's why all I want is half of our marital home & the $40k he owes me. I would be happy to get that without a legal fight. Let him have his mum's home, it's cursed money anyway! Once I get home I will get this all agreed legally (I have it in email from him) & then I can get on with my life & not worry about him ripping me off.

Ok so my NC clearly backfired on me today. This afternoon my H sends me a text asking if I have the bills that relate to his mother's property. 20 minutes later he calls me 5 times (I don't answer). He left a message asking me to call him, which is followed by yet another text asking for a simple yes or no, then another call!

I think his evil sister is putting pressure on him to pay her her share of the mum's property. They have not spoken (phone records) for nearly 2 weeks so I think their short lived friendship is on the out.

Anyway, when I get home tonight I see that he has taken the led zeppelin pictures & the iPod docking station! I'm not even home for 5 minutes & I get the below text from him.

"Dusk,

Due to the fact that you do not answer your phone or answer my text msg for simple requests I ask of you & the fact that you went to America recently leaving our house unoccupied for a time of over two weeks, I have removed my two led zeppelin signed albums tonight & the Bose docking station minus the cord & remote which you have hidden. Since you like hiding things of mine example my two tag watches, as a type of bargaining tool you leave me no option. As I stated to you last time we talked I am willing to negotiate this split fairly with you & pay what I owe you. Another reason I have insured the albums under my home & contents insurance. I would like you also to email me your demands for the property split minus the personal innuendo you included on the last email as my solicitor requires this to draw up an agreement. I would also like an answer if you have the bills for mums place.

Regards F'wit"

The nerve of him taking items that he has not paid for. I took his watches because he has not paid for the one he is wearing! He thinks he's smart letting me know that he knows I was in America. That's because he came over like 5 times while I was away & saw new clothes when he was over yet again in Friday (to mow lawns without telling me).

He can think again if he thinks I'm going to remove my reference to his cheating. If he had a brain he would forward my original email & delete that bit! And I will not be sending him any email, my lawyer will! Well, looks like I have to move quick smart now. One of his texts said he was going to come over this Sunday & get the last of his car crap, hopefully I will get the ok from a lawyer to change the locks before Sunday.

Oh & it goes without saying that I will not be answering any of his messages! I have kept this NC up for 6 weeks now, I'm not going to let him rattle me, which is his plan as clearly my silence is rattling him.

It has been 3 months & their relationship still appears to be going strong. It's not fair. I want him to be alone so he has plenty of time to think about his actions! Why should I, the innocent one, be lonely?

I'm upset that he has no regrets & is treating me the way he is after what he did. And still he wants to deny that he cheated!

I wouldn't be so sure their relationship is all peaches and unicorns. But really...who cares! Trust me, he and the sloth aren't going to have a happy ever after.

I am just so delighted to see how you have maintained no contact. Its so awesome to see him squirm. GOOD FOR YOU!! Don't you feel stronger and more powerful ??!?!

It pained me so dearly to read your initial post, about him coming and going and chatting it up and you two discussing your past, etc.

So glad you stopped that.

He took the albums to incite you, in an attempt to get you angry and to engage with him. DONT DO IT. Leave it for the lawyers.

Im so glad you have your very supportive family to help you through this as well.

Just keep doing what you're doing. It will take some time, but months from now you will be happier, stronger, and smarter. You have learned so much about relationship and self-respect, as seen by you sticking so well to NC.

I don't think your NC back fired on you. It's doing exactly what it's suppose to do. He is getting more and more frenzied because you are not motivated by his actions and threats to drop NC. Keep it up! You are doing great.

Any action he takes (swiping stuff from the house)or doesn't take is all on him, not you, and certainly not because you didn't respond. There was an agreement to not remove assets but he did so anyway because you didn't tell him your plans. There was no agreement for him to know your plans, he's having a mantrum because he's not getting his way. You are giving him the rope he will use to hang himself with.

So this isn't the 180 back firing. This is him ramping up his spoiled brat reaction to not having control over you. You are not responsible for him wigging out and breaking agreements. Just be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.

Change the locks and keep all contact going through your lawyer.

you are doing the right things,,,continue with the no contact....let your lawyers do the contact...just take care of yourself, pamper yourself, exercise, new professionally done make-up, new hair cut and color, new perfume, new clothes and new sexy shoes.....when you walk into that court to sign for your freedom ...you have to rock...shine like a diamond

Shinning autumn - thank you for your kind supportive words. Yes, I was a real sap in the early days of recovery. I still can't believe that my H, who loved me so much could do this & be so arrogant about it! Yes, this NC is so empowering, I didn't realise it would have such an impact on my H, considering he wanted me out of his life, so why get annoyed now that I'm "gone". . He has the bills he is after, the moron. This is something he should have taken care of like last July! If we were together this is something that I would have taken care of for him. His mobile phone bill is overdue, second month in a row. Again, this was something I took care of for him.

BtraydWife - Thank you for your support. His anger is really showing now, yet I remain cool & calm & it's killing him! I was the emotional one & for sure he was expecting a reaction from me when he took the pictures but there was no way I was going to give him the satisfaction! All he has done is provoke me to seek more in the settlement. Loser! The sheer arrogance of him to take these pictures & still expect me to answer his Q on the bills! I truly hope I am giving him the rope to hang himself - it is clear he is panicking - "email me your demands", he is so sweating on whether I go for a share in his mum's house! I see a lawyer on Friday & she sounds really personable, her H cheated on her!

Last dance - Thank you for your encouragement. I am getting some highlights & a haircut this week & will the finally put a photo on LinkedIn (im new to LinkedIn & it was a goal of mine to get back out & network). I wasn't planning on seeing him again but I guess I will if it goes to court... In which case I will be done up to the nines!  I don't really need to try to hard to stand out next to the OW as she is your typical trailer park poster girl, with toilet rolls for arms & legs & a truck ramp for a chin. She holidays on river boats with her lowlife overweight friends....

Some other disturbing news. I could tell from the phone records that my H was at the house on Friday twice, once before work & once after work. He would have arrived in the morning less than 20 minutes after I left. He spoke to the OW for more than half an hour while he was there in the morning! Here they are working as a team against me, the woman he has spent 12 years of his life with. What business is it of hers where i have been. She has my H, what more does she want! She won't have my life! She is coaxing him! She has been pulling the strings all along & knowingly broke up a marriage. She sensed a broken man & pounced! I hope misery comes their way ASAP!

omg please get those locks changed asap.

He has moved out, so I would assume you can safely change the locks?

Do it hun.

Duskpearl, you are doing amazingly! I am sure your new look will be almost as stunning on you as this badass, take-charge NC attitude is. Glad you're seeing a L on Friday. It's almost funny to see how much they feel they can 'demand' as if they are in a position to demand anything.

Are the laws different about inheritance money/property there? Here a spouse is not entitled to any part of that, at least in California. There may be exceptions, I don't know.

I plan on changing the locks before Sunday & when he comes and when he comes over to get the last of his car crap that he has more than 3 months to collect he will be greeted with a note on the door that says "my lawyer will be in touch with your lawyer". I was thinking to add you didn't want to get lawyers involved but as I can no longer trust you I had no choice. But I'm thinking short & sweet is better?

Of course I won't be home but knowing him he will be waiting at the house all day. So best I tell our next door neighbours the reason why my H moved out. No more lies to protect his good guy image. I have been too accomodating to my H for way too long. 3 months is more than enough time to come & go from the marital home as he pleases.

I am entitled to his inheritance - which I did not want. All I want is the $50k he owes me - which includes a $20k inheritance that I put on our mortgage.

The pictures he took are worth $6k & he is yet to pay me for them so he wants to start a war I will give him one! He has underestimated me if he thinks I'm going to lie back & let him steal from me!

Well, I saw the lawyer today & she will aim for a 52-56% split in my favour. Biggest negatives against me;

- I make twice as much money as him

- he had a larger deposit when we purchased the house, although that was 10 years ago so has eroded

- I most likely won't get my $50k back, so in effect I paid for the last 2 trips, his LZ pictures, his bike accessories & I even paid for his mother's bills! This sux big time!

In my favour is his half share in his mum's property but I would not be entitled to half of his half as his mother only passed away 2 years ago but it can be used as leverage. I will get my $20k back that i put on the mortgage. And the fact that he is with someone sort of helps as he has another source of income so to speak. Oh & I can demand one of the led zeppelin pictures back since they are considered assets & he took both.

If it goes to court it will probably cost $30k so it would be best if we avoided this option & I know he won't want to pay lawyers fees.

The lawyer is a lovely lady & she even hugged & kissed me as I left! She agrees that my H has something else going on in his head & said it is possible that he has some regrets but I can't worry about that at the moment. My main priority is to not be ripped off by him!

Oh & he called me again tonight! Either he is concerned with how I will proceed financially or he still wants to know whether I have his mum's bills (which like I said I don't)! What does it matter, I paid the dam bills not him!

In hindsight I should have responded since he took the pictures & it looks like he is possibly going to be the one to gain out of this. I am changing the locks this weekend, even though I know I left it a bit too late! Whatever crap he has left in the garage is tough luck now, 3 months is more than enough time.

Duskpearl...... I've been catching up on your story...

we draw quite a few similarities. (although I'm only 6 weeks out from D Day, separated, WH is with OW).

He goes from being narky to being nice to me... its messing with my head.

I've been trying NC, but am struggling a bit with the kids...

I totally understand about wanting WH to acknowledge things. I'm wishing for some remorse from mine, any really.

Hope it goes well.... I've enjoyed reading your comments and the replies received, its helping me through my muddles.

Sadmumma - I'm sorry that you are also going through this!

Time really does heal. I totally recommend NC. At first I was of the school of thought that if he doesn't see me he won't miss me BUT when it was pointed out that I was relieving him of any guilt I said f that & pulled back. For me the main thing it showed by H is that he can't control me. More importantly, it is unnerving him because I am an emotional person & this cool calm silence is out of character for me. He has no idea what I am thinking or plan on doing. Like the calm before the storm.

I understand it would be harder with kids. Can a family member liaise with ur H instead of you when discussing/seeing the kids?

I am lucky that my family have been so caring & supportive & patient with my never ending talking in circles....

As time goes on we realise we are better off without them & from what I've read that is usually when they want back in but we have moved on by then....

Take care & be strong

Wow you are doing great! Regarding this:

... he will be greeted with a note on the door that says "my lawyer will be in touch with your lawyer". I was thinking to add you didn't want to get lawyers involved but as I can no longer trust you I had no choice. But I'm thinking short & sweet is better?

As I think you know, you should not add in the language about "I can no longer trust you". Do not reveal ANYTHING about how you feel, your motives, or your choices. No no no. That is giving him little crumbs of yourself and he does not deserve that.

Same goes for:

Oh & he called me again tonight! Either he is concerned with how I will proceed financially or he still wants to know whether I have his mum's bills...In hindsight I should have responded since he took the pictures & it looks like he is possibly going to be the one to gain out of this

Do not respond.

I am struggling with this with my ex. I took his bait the other day via text, when arguing over finances/vacation schedules, and revealed my anger. I regret it wholeheartedly. Its always better to keep them in the dark and not reveal any portion of your feelings/anger/hurt/resentment.

You are doing so great!

Thanks Shining Autumn, I appreciate your advice. I'm now thinking not to put any letter at all. It's obvious why the locks have been changed.

I'm tempted to contact his lawyer to let her know that he has not paid any of the mothers bills. I did & since he has not paid me there shouls be no reduction in the amount he owes his sister. His sister is evil & we never got on but why should my H benefit financially for bills I paid for! I'm going to ask my lawyer today on her view on this. It's a matter of principal.

I thought I would show you my draft letter to be sent by my lawyer to his lawyer, so you (or anyone else for the matter) has any views. I know it is lengthy but I feel this is my last chance to let him (& his lawyer) know what I think!

Please let me know if I showing too much emotion. The references to the truck stop & trailer park stay :) I want to humiliate him in front of his mother's lawyer!

"F'wit,

You've left me with no choice other than to contact a lawyer due to your continued untrustworthy & thieving nature.

It was agreed that you would let me know when you were coming around to the house. However, in the last 3 weeks you have been over at least 6 times on the dates below with no prior warning;

14 feb

18 feb

19 feb

26 feb

7 mar

10 mar before & after work!

Prior to this I received a text message from you on Wednesday 5 February stating that you will be at the house all week cleaning the garage. This message was rather belated given you had already been at the house on both the Monday & Tuesday.

On Friday 7 February I received a text message from you stating that "the garage will be ready to use in 2 weeks time" (21 February). More than 3 weeks after this moving deadline you set the keys to the garage are still missing. Holding the garage ransom is most unreasonable given you moved out more than 3 months ago. This is ample time for anyone to move their belongings out of a property.

I no longer feel safe with you coming over to the house when it suits you. In fact I find your frequent visits unnecessary since you have no personal belongings in the house. I appreciate that it is your house as well but you moved out sometime ago & no longer live here.

I am left with no choice but to change the locks as it is most unsettling to come home knowing that you have been in the house & each time you come over more items that do not belong to you go missing. Is it a coincidence that each time you come over there is no mail? There is evidence of snooping, the most recent examples being the kitchen drawer. Lock on filing cabinet clearly tampered with. IMac missing for a week, no doubt trying to access my emails. I'm not sure what you are expecting to find? This is illegal. Just because you part own the property  this does not give you the right to blatantly invade my privacy. I have a right to privacy just as you do. I do not have a key to the place you reside nor do i control access to your garage/s. I don't appreciate you using the house as a truck stop, you are living less than 5 minutes away surely you can control your bowel movements until you get to your girlfriend's place.

Also, you may be comfortable living in squalor but  I don't appreciate you dumping large car parts in the front yard so that the house resembles a trailer park.

I refer to my email dated xxx (see attached) where it was agreed that you would not remove any items from the house until you paid for them. In fact, what you have done is steal items that do not belong to you. You lived in the marital home for the last 18 months expense free. You did no house work or took care of paying any bills. In fact, while living in the marital home all you had to worry about was getting up for work & what to watch on tv! I am actually out of pocket for bills I paid for on your mother's behalf! It is disgusting that you feel the right to come into the home that you no longer live in & steal items that don't belong to you, that you have not paid for. Items that my hard earned money has paid for, not yours. You have absolutely no scruples or shame or any guilt for stealing expensive items when you owe me so much money.  I am out of pocket for $8k worth of bike parts for a $33k bike that you paid cash for (see attached) & you are crying poor.

As you have reneged on our agreement (after holding your mother's photo & saying that you would not rip me off) I will remind you that I said if you steal the pictures that i paid $6k for all bets are off. As such you have left me with no alternative but to seek whatever the law states is fair. You know I'm not adverse to paying lawyer fees & am happy to receive less knowing that an unworthy person like you will also receive less.

You did not take the pictures because the house "was unoccupied" as we have been away many times where the pictures have been "unoccupied" & it wasn't a problem for you then. XX is a safe area, so we both know that the pictures were safer here. Besides, you took the pictures once i returned & therefore the house was "occupied".

I'm not sure why you are monitoring my personal movements & believe that I should inform you of my whereabouts now that we are separated. You lost the right to communicate with me when you cheated while living in the marital home & continued to lie about it even when I had physical proof. I don't owe you anything, least of all respect. So please stop calling me, to call someone 5 times in less than 20 minutes & send multiple texts is harassment & shows your angst. It appears the short lived relationship with your sister has soured already & she wants her money asap. I'm not surprised. The two of you couldn't even bond over the death of your mother so I don't see how money, which is everything to you would bring the two of you two together.

Your ongoing contact as such makes me feel unsafe.

My ONLY offer not to seek any share in your mother's property is that

you will pay me what you owe me NOW, which has increased by an additional $10k as I have been advised that I should receive my total inheritance & that you are not to benefit in any way, particularly, when you told me while we were living together as husband & wife that I was not entitled to any of your inheritance, even though you urged me to put my small inheritance on our mortgage.

As we are no longer living as husband & wife & you betrayed & deceived me while living in the marital home you no longer get to use me as your personal bank loan. It's not my problem that you don't have the money, maybe your girlfriend can pick up the tab since you seem accustomed to living beyond your means & sponging off others.

You will file & pay for the divorce.

You will state the reason for divorce as infidelity.

The effective date of divorce will be 6 December 2013, the day you called the other woman from your personal mobile for the first time from the marital home. While I am more than happy to fast track the divorce for my own personal reasons, I am not prepared to lie under oath. As an accredited professional one of the code of ethics is honesty and I don't feel comfortable lying to ease your adulterous conscience.

The above is non negotiable, you either agree to pay me the funds you owe me now or I will seek what I am entitled to by the full extent of the law. Please note that your mother would rather i take a share in her property than the other woman, who represents the same caliber of woman that was responsible for taking half of what your mother had worked so hard for over the years. Given the circumstances I am being very reasonable & have been advised to go you for everything. That includes your bike & whatever cash you received for the sale of your silver commodore.

It is evident that the other woman is coaxing you here because you have never had a mind of your own, hence the frequent visits to the psychic. Plus, what I don't take she will, just like Carol. I wonder if she would still be interested in you if you did not have your beloved Harley or were not mortgage free. She must have saved herself quite the nest egg since being with you as no doubt you would be paying for everything to show off.

To think you live with someone for 12 years & then they shack up with a person of questionable reputation before leaving the marital home & then turn feral & cry unfair treatment! Wolf in sheep's clothing is the only way to describe you.

You really need to do something about your anger for your health's sake.

Once the above is sorted I do not expect to hear from you until divorce time."