SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok, then. So why the automatic assumption that the baby isn't yours?

YOU are the father of this child. OM is a legal nobody. I'm not sure that he would even be able to get a court to order a paternity test.

He needs to be told to fuck off, that you did the math and the baby's not his. No attending OB appts., no mooning about "being a dad" for him. If he wanted a child of his own, then he should not have fucked another guy's wife. Pound sand.

Right now I think that they are using this pregnancy as an *excuse* to remain in contact. You have bought what your WW is selling to you -- hook, line, and sinker.

You need to go to a lawyer and get accurate information.

I know that it's very easy to get overwhelmed in situations where a *lot* is happening in a short amount of time. Just stop. No decisions have to be made right now. No planning out your future needs to happen right now. Just breathe....and allow yourself some time to process.

And shut down all of this talk about the baby being that other guy's. That assumption is feeding her fairy tale. Shut it down.

StrangeAsFiction

You my friend are in my prayers.

Because your entire family is in a tough situation.

And know this.

You and your work hours are not the reason she cheated.

You and your work hours are not the reason she chose to have unprotected sex.

You and your work hours are not the reason she cheated with an interracial partner.

While I agree your work habits did not help the marriage no person in their right mind goes to full un protected sex with an AP in 2 months.....

Her selfishness knows no bounds and that should worry you in the future.

She had other choices.

-Divorce.

-Counseling.

-Separation.

But no. She chose to lie, cheat and have unprotected sex.

She chose to blowup not only your marriage but your entire family.

And the fact that she will not consider an abortion, adoption, No Contact at work just shows you where you are in her life.

The Affair Partner wants in your life. Not just his childs life or your wifes life but yours.

Can you live with that?

Your wife knew you for how many years?14 and married for 9.

And she chucked that away for 2 months of unprotected sex.....

I truly hope you pick yourself up off the floor, make some decisions to protect you and your kids.

Take back control. As much as you can.

HM

There's almost no chance it is mine. This is based on a calendar reconstruction as well as the texts and emails I've seen

gonnabe, SAF admits here that there is virtually no chance it's his. His wife has told him she isn't even sure she wants to reconcile. You know as well as I that if WW wants to keeps seeing OM, she'll do it with or without the baby.

His wife is unremorseful. She tells him she doesn't love him. She won't commit to R. He shouldn't even be dealing with her, let alone claiming a baby that isn't his.

Also, OM has been told it's his child. He would very easily get a court to order a paternity test on that alone.

SAF, please check out the 180. It's for you, not WW. It's to help you detach and become stronger. It will bring 'you' back. Your WW is not remorseful, nor is she interested in R. I suggest you start behaving as if D is coming and start the 180. Show your wife what life is really going to be like without you. Become strong again. We all know what an A does to the BS, and low we can get. Don't let her keep kicking you while you're down. Do the 180.

Let's all pretend there is NO baby. Strangeasfiction has a wife that cheated, doesn't want R, says she isn't in love with him, and told about the cheating as a way to make SAF leave her because she's too much a coward to actually leave.

Pretending there is no baby, what's the advice? Is it ANYTHING other than telling him to 180, see an attorney, and start preparing for D?

Strangeasfiction, there is a rather lengthy thread on this same page by a poster named Felco. I really suggest you read that thread - all of it. You will see a man that wanted his marriage, and a wife that is still trying to jerk him around - a wife that loves another man. A wife that won't R. A wife that has a 'twin flame'.

You cannot 'nice' your wife back to you. She thinks her behaviors are just fine, and you continually telling her how much you love her is only adding to that belief.

You didn't cause the A, she did. She cheated. There were a lot of options she could have chosen. She chose cheating. That is HER fault, not yours. Not yours at all.

The baby talk has dominated the thread, but if that weren't an issue, every person here would be saying to walk away from her and show her that you won't accept this disrespectful treatment.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 4:17 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

I hope I don't come off sounding like a racist, but it's almost virtually 100% that you cannot keep the fact of your wife's infidelity a family secret.

Everyone will know, the neighbors, your relatives, your children's friends. Talk about a scarlet letter.

Is the OM married?

Have you told your family - or your wife's family? How do they feel about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating telling them at this point, just curious if they know.

My gut feeling is to put the child up for adoption - assuming you intend to stay with your wife, but it sounds like she's not 100% into staying married.

Definitely see a lawyer and map out your options.

t/j

PP, I don't need the situation white-boarded for me. My reading comprehension is pretty good.

Also, OM has been told it's his child. He would very easily get a court to order a paternity test on that alone.

Not necessarily.

end t/j

I'd be asking for a paternity test before I offered to have even one more conversation with her.

I'd say, "You'll get a paternity test, and the results will be given to me. If it's his, I'll make the decision whether or not to stay with you. If it's mine, I'll make the decision whether or not to stay with you. You acted on YOUR terms, and they were very selfish terms. Now it's on MY terms. Paternity test NOW, or we're done."

You cannot make a logical decision without knowing everything there is to know. Not only that, what in the hell makes you think that she's the only one he screwed? You've potentially been exposed to STDs and you need to get your butt to the doctor and get tested for everything. Your wife too, NOW, everything, and her results need to be given to YOU.

What a nightmare. I'm so sorry.

I hope I don't come off sounding like a racist, but it's almost virtually 100% that you cannot keep the fact of your wife's infidelity a family secret.

Everyone will know, the neighbors, your relatives, your children's friends. Talk about a scarlet letter.

She definitely wants to keep the baby (no abortion, no adoption, no "giving" it to the other guy and walking away. As such, there's no way this will be a secret whether we are together or not. She will have to live with that. I don't have to if I don't want to. But right now that isn't a decision-making factor for me.

Is the OM married?

Single.

Have you told your family - or your wife's family? How do they feel about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating telling them at this point, just curious if they know.

No family has been told the whole story as of this point. We're "having problems". Her family may very well disown her no matter what.

Paternity tests during gestation are dangerous. I get that everyone wants to know but this baby deserves to have the best chance possible and shoving a big needle in there is not doing that. I don't think anyone in the situation really cares whose it is anymore. OM is sticking around.

Paternity tests during gestation are dangerous. I get that everyone wants to know but this baby deserves to have the best chance possible and shoving a big needle in there is not doing that. I don't think anyone in the situation really cares whose it is anymore. OM is sticking around.

We'll figure out just how risky this might be. We're not interested in endangering the child if it turns out this procedure isn't totally safe. I think we all care whose baby it is. The purpose of the test wouldn't be to settle the issue for us but rather for the state.

I'm getting lots of advice and support here and for that I'm so so grateful. Even the harshest of you are speaking with my own best interest in mind. I'm just so close physically and temporally to the whole thing that I can't take the blinders off right now. Trust me, I try. I'm deluding myself and being deluded. Fortunately, nothing has to happen today. While it's hard to let go of some kind of uber idealistic vision in which everything turns out OK, intellectually and rationally I can see the facts on the ground. Accepting and acting on them is a different matter, though. The thought of not living with my kids full time is terrifying, especially if some other guy is stepping into that role. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. My own father died before this whippersnapper Other Guy was born. I feel a powerful need to be the father my own dad never had the chance to be for me. This is deep deep stuff that is hard to let go. I need time to heal, time to grieve, time to talk, time to reevaluate my life. I haven't had time for any of that. WW told me of the pregnancy 11 days ago. I just hope I have the strength to do whatever is right - be that staying or going.

I know plenty of fathers that are divorced and still spend plenty of time with their kids, you just have to make the time, keep every visitation and make it quality. I think maybe an IC would be good just to give you someone to talk to. I feel like I am paying someone to be my friend but truthfully I can tell her anything because she just plain doesn't care or judge. She helped me find my way. I was scared shitless to leave. I was so scared to be a single parent of three. I did it and I feel great.

I'm glad you are trying to get your head straight, if you can stay and love that baby and your wife then you do it! Don't look back though and I sure as hell hope you never regret! I suppose you could always move and tell everyone the kiddo is adopted by you and wifey, that way you don't have to have that sting every time.

Thanks, Chipped! That's sage advice and support coming from someone who has been there. I've spent the last few weeks thinking about what a total loser I'd be if I lose my wife and half the time with my kids. Spending time around here is helping me see that it's not about being a loser - it's about being a survivor.

This is seriously depressing. You have my sympathies.

There is more chance of finding Elvis on Mars than this having a happy ending. If you genuinely think that you can simply adopt the child and play happy families again then...sigh...

Demand the paternity of the child, and please please go see a lawyer to find out your options. Make sure you try and get the best deal for you and your 2 kids.

Now you need to turn the tables on the other man. What an entitled little shit. He has helped to wreck a family, and then he tells you "I'll step up". Jesus.

The other man thinks you are weak doormat, you need to step up and regain some respect. Do not talk to him. Just put him up on the website.

***Please do not post links to other sites***

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:32 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

One more thing, isn't there a new test where they simply test the mother's blood?

It's done by amniocentesis and they don't even have to jab the baby. They can withdraw fluid from around the baby to get the baby's cells. Nothing is perfectly safe, but I'd sure ask for a paternity test.

Now they use ultrasound-guided amnio which reduces the risk almost completely. Do your homework.

It's done by amniocentesis and they don't even have to jab the baby. They can withdraw fluid from around the baby to get the baby's cells. Nothing is perfectly safe, but I'd sure ask for a paternity test.

I don't think they are especially good for the baby. Why not just wait until he is born.

I think what is going to happen along the way here is OM is eventually going to dump your wife. She may even realize how unrealistic this whole situation is. It's all kind of cliche, isn't it? How many men like OM would have the strength of character to see this through? A man that is willing to have sex with another man's wife is not of the best character. They have known each for two months - whoopee. And that's without the other two kids being around. We all know where this is going and if your wife does not see it she needs her head examined. He will NOT be there for her or that child.

I have absolutely no problem with her coming to her senses and letting this child be raised within your family. You sound like a great guy who has the strength of character that OM is lacking. As far as everyone else noticing that the child is a different race, so what? The story could be that you and the wife were separated for a short time and then she got pregnant by the other man. Who cares what anyone else thinks anyway. As long as that child is raised in a loving home where he feels wanted and safe, that's all that matters. And from reading your posts I think you are very capable of doing that.

What I think you need to do is a hard 180. Right now she feels pretty secure in your love for her but what will she feel if she sees it slipping away? In the process, you will also become stronger and know you are able to carry on with or without her. You also need to decide if you will really want her when the OM leaves. That's YOUR choice, not hers.

I wish you all the best in this situation, I really do.

Cissi - thanks for the kind words and especially for your support. My WW already realizes that being with him is not realistic. She told me as much. This is a guy who has babysat exactly once in his life. She doesn't think he's ready for three kids running around. I think her fantasy bubble is starting to show some cracks.

I understand that I'm not the big "winner" just because she might choose not to go to him. No, there are serious issues that need to be addressed. I'd be the winner in the short term insomuch as I'd have the opportunity to work on some of these issues. Long term, though, I'm not interested in remaining in neither a loveless marriage nor one in which she has a wandering eye. I'm hopeful in that I see potential but not hopeful in the sense of what's likely or even possible.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be forgiving. And even empathetic. But I need to realize that I can't be the one to fix this. I have but a small part to play at this point. If she doesn't come around then I'm tilting at windmills.

To you and everyone else - many thanks. And keep it coming.

I had a former colleague who was single and became pregnant by her boyfriend whom I believe most people thought she was too good for. It was my understanding that this guy was an immature player, but I imagine that my colleague thought things would be different now that a baby was involved.

So, she quit her job, moved several hours away to be with him, starting working in that new town... and it ended because he got another woman pregnant.

It sounds to me like your WW got involved with someone similar. OG probably thought getting involved with a married woman would be a fun, no-commitment hook up situation, and right now, when the baby is just an idea, it's still fun to keep her around because she's giving him attention to feed his ego, and he'll keep telling her pretty things to keep getting attention.

My advice to you? 180 her, hard. Let her run to him. You're not her Plan B, and that's exactly how she's treating you. And when their relationship crashes and burns, it's not up to you to clean up the mess. And it will. And she will come blubbering to you, Mr. Dependable, Honest, Fix-It Guy. She'll want you to be the soft place for her to land on.

Call her bluff. Tell her to go be with him. Stop being supportive of her crappy choices and the crappy way she's treating you and your kids. None of you deserve that.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.

What I don't understand is why abortion is not an option? Having your wife in contact with this man rest of life will not be good for your marriage. What happens when you have to travel even less amount? Aren't you going to wonder what she is doing and who is she with? Good thing you don't have to decide right now, but I a would think real hard to see if I could live in this condition.

What I don't understand is why abortion is not an option?

While I completely understand why many people in this situation might view an abortion to be the best option, that route was never on the table for us. She'd never do it and I would neither want nor ask her to do it. I'm not judging or preaching - that's just our stance on the issue.