SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

While I completely understand why many people in this situation might view an abortion to be the best option, that route was never on the table for us. She'd never do it and I would neither want nor ask her to do it. I'm not judging or preaching - that's just our stance on the issue.

But its OK to go out and commit adultery, have unprotected sex, get pregnant by your lover and expect your BH to raise the kid as his own ? I have heard some pretty foggy stuff on this board, but this makes my head spin. I'm not judging or preaching either. But do you see the irony in all of this ? Its your life and you can decide on how its going to be lived. But I don't think your looking at the big picture here. Stop being in the moment for a while and think about the ramifications of what is going to happen in the following years and decades. Good luck to you my man, your going to need it. I hope it works out for the best.

So sorry to hear of your situation.....

Are you definite the baby is not yours? They can do an amniocentesis to determine paternity which I would be requesting first off....

She's been with this man 2 months and is pregnant to him send has told you... Yes she is an emotional mess... And also probably trying to protect herself now in case the marriage goes (further) down hil over the next 7 months...... What a valiant move on your part to offer to take dare of the OC. And she is lucky to have the two of you prepared to be there for her. Would I greet the other child like my own certainly not. Would I treat it like a half sibling to my children. Yes.

In any case.. As the OP have said seek legal advise, and confirm paternity.... Remember if you do adopt the OC and in 5 years or so you D then you'll be hit paying support for that child as well....

At the risk of alienating a large percentage of people on this forum I'm going to suggest that termination of the pregnancy may be an answer. Or adoption, if termination is not an option.

I cannot see any likely scenario where your marriage can work out any other way.

The pregnancy is forcing another spoonful of shit down your throat that you shouldn't have to be chewing on. Infidelity is hard enough to recover from without this additional confusion. She is blameshifting and still has feelings for him.

Previous posters are right when they say that in years to come you will likely resent the new child, your WW and the POS. He will be in your life FOREVER. Recovering from infidelity requires ALL parties to have no contact and this will never happen now.

Even if you're a bigger and stronger man than me, which is entirely possible BTW, your wife is not yet exhibiting the correct behviours which will aid your healing and ensure a successful marriage.

My WW is now 6 months pregnant with her POS' fucklet. Up to that point I could have pretty much forgiven anything if she had wanted to come back (assuming that she exhibited the appropriate amount of remorse and went to counselling) but then she got pregnant. For me, that was the final nail in the coffin. I never had the chance of reconcilliation but I knew that pregnancy was the last straw. I was willing to accept her back with open arms up to that point and she did (still is doing) some nasty stuff to me.

I've pondered if I could have her back and the immediate answer was no. I could not raise and love a child that was the culmination of the worst betrayal I'd ever suffered. Every time I looked at it I would be reminded of what WW did to me. She would be reminded of what she did to me. POS father would be in the background forever reminding me. I would have to have this man in my life forever.

It's bad enough that I have to accept that their half sibling fucklet is going to be at my children's weddings and any other major events in their lives, regardless of whether POS is still on the scene or not.

You have a tough road ahead and I admire your initial stance but I honestly think that you are sacrificing yourself, your healing and your sanity because you want your wife back and you're prepared to accept anything for that to happen. You are still in shock but when that subsides you will start to realise that you cannot and will not want the POS and his fucklet in your life

I'm thinking of you

[This message edited by allatsea at 3:38 AM, January 27th (Monday)]

AAS, I think he has a decent read on her. Asking that would end horrible. Either she walks then or she does and spends the rest of the marriage resentful and full of piss and poison.

The child is innocent and deserve a life with his mother.

Just wanted to address the paternity test since I have had an amino done.

Most sources cite the risk of miscarriage after an amniocentesis to be around 0.5% to 1%. Although that's a low risk in most situations, a 1 in 200 chance of losing their babies because of an informational test is understandably unacceptable for many pregnant women.

But there's some evidence that the those number may not be accurate for modern techniques and methods. A widely reported 2006 study found evidence that the real added miscarriage risk of amniocentesis might only be 0.06% -- which equates to 1 in 1,600. The researchers took into account that women who opted for amniocentesis might have already been more likely to miscarriage for reasons unrelated to the test, such as a higher maternal age or having had a positive screening test for abnormalities, and that miscarriages that occurred after an amniocentesis might not always be attributable to the procedure itself.

I had it done for reasons other than paternity. It's not really painful but it's freaky having a needle that long stuck inside of you.

When I read your post it really appears that your WW is holding all the cards and you are walking on eggs shells trying to make it so she won't leave you.

She had an A, she is NOT remorseful, still blames you and your long work hours, she says she love him, that she doesn't love you anymore, she is pg with his child. It sounds like she is demanding he get to attend sonagram and doctor visits. Attend the birth? After the child is born the other man will became a part of all of your lives because he will have custody of the child. Do you really believe that they are not in contact right now?

I'm sorry but if this has any chance of working out both of you need to be all in or all out.

All in - NC with OM - Either she quits her job or he does immediately, he does not attend Dr appointments, the birth... She needs to write a NC letter to OM and include you on it. State that she feels horrible about what they have done to her family and that she never wants to see him again.

From what you have written I don't think she will do this which means you need to 180 her and find out what your options are by seeing a Lawyer. I'm not saying get a divorce I'm saying find out what you need to do in this situation. Be prepared. I don't think she is going to stop seeing other man.

I know that you don't want to only have your kids 50% of the time, nobody does. Your Dad died when you were young. That's not the same thing. You need to make that 50% of the time really count. Think of your kids living in a house where Daddy is always checking up on Mommy, where Mommy is with another man part of the time...This other child ...

I get the idea that you want your family back and will put up with anything to make that happen.

Also, they have a forum called -"I can relate" there is a thread - BS with OC. Might want to gather some experience from them as well.

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:02 AM, January 27th (Monday)]

Why are you letting her call all the shots here?

Seriously, that would be a good thing to explore.

I don't see how having the OM involved in your lives permanently is going to work. Basically, from where I sit. It is a continuation of the affair. She can mask continued contact under the guise of talking about the child. I don't see your marriage weathering the storm under these circumstances.

I would definitely get the amniocentesis done to determine paternity. Then I would consult a very good family law attorney ALONE to determine what options were available to me.

Reconciliation is a long, hard road, and you have, currently, a non-remorseful spouse who is trying very hard to cake eat by devising this "plan" to keep the OM around and in your marriage.

I think you need, first and foremost. Information. Get the test. Then get legal advice. Once you know your position legally, you can put together a plan that suits you.

FYI, my now-ex traveled a great deal for business and was gone weeks at a stretch. I didn't cheat. Ever. She owns that.

Cat

What a terrible situation. I am sorry, friend.

On the first page of this thread, you wrote:

Right now, though, I'm not emotionally able to consider a future without our family together.

THIS is where your focus needs to be.

As analytical as you may be, you are absolutely thinking and reacting out of fear. Fear of losing your life as you knew it; fear of losing half the time with your children; fear of losing your wife....and the list goes on. And it is this fear that will lead you to make poor decisions in the future. I am not telling to leave this minute, and never look back---what I am telling you is you should be working on leaving this minute...and protecting you and your children in the process.

The reason that you should get out of dodge, is because your WW is nowhere near remorseful. What type of person does this shit? Checks out of the marriage, and bangs a guy within 2 months...and gets pregnant...and has a toddler and an infant to care for? If, and this is a big IF, she pulled her head out of her ass, realized the destruction to everyone involved, and made the effort to move the Heavens and Earth to save the marriage, then that is one thing. You can make a more rational decision off of that. But not with the self-serving shit that she is giving you now. You have to protect yourself.

I get the fear part of it. I lived it long enough in my experience. But what you children need...what they thrive on, is a loving, caring atmosphere. 50% of the time with one upstanding parent is better than 100% in a dysfunctional one. And while I think you believe this to be true, there is no way that you can see it from where you are standing right now.

So work on removing yourself from this toxic situation. You could always divorce, and reconcile afterward...if your WW became a healthy partner again. But you have to distance yourself first to see things from the view that we have. That means losing that fear.

Again, I am sorry that you are here.

But its OK to go out and commit adultery, have unprotected sex, get pregnant by your lover and expect your BH to raise the kid as his own ?

Of course that's not ok! It's not even true, in this case. Although I offered to raise the kid as my own that only works if the OM agrees to walk away from his child forever. He doesn't want to do that. Secondly, there is only one person involved in this whole mess at whom I'm not angry and that's the innocent little baby. Trust me, if I were planning on killing someone it wouldn't be the child. I get what you're saying. Many in my situation would see abortion as a solution. Maybe it is a solution. But it's not one I could live with and neither could my WW.

So sorry you are in this situation. I agree with jb1399 about making decisions due to "fear" issues. I did this in the first 5 affairs my wife had due to the potential of losing daily contact with my children, one of whom is disabled and I provide most of the parenting. I could only imagine her life in the home of another man who did not have the dedication I did for her. So I made decisions based on fears of what life for her would be.

The last affair was with a guy who could not walk; in a wheelchair. WTF? Was she willing to take care of him and all the ramifications that I know goes with that? With input from SI here, I was able to make decisions based on other factors. This time I put myself in the driver's seat and she got her head out of her ass quickly. We are still together, but the "marriage" ended a long time ago. She took away my potential happiness, etc. But I chose not to abandon my child who needs the care I can provide.

Bottom line is that your marriage will never be the same; you'll always be looking over your shoulder for the next OM who has an opportunity with your wife. Thing long and hard about your options and listen to valid information provided by posters who understand your predicament.

There are those who will think I'm crazy for staying but I saw it as my only option for assuring that my child received the nurturing, education and care she needed. You'll be making your own choices.

AAS - I am so sorry you were in a similar situation. While I am grateful for the perspective, support and advice from everyone here I think the situation is so extreme that only those who have been there can fully grasp it.

You have a tough road ahead and I admire your initial stance but I honestly think that you are sacrificing yourself, your healing and your sanity because you want your wife back and you're prepared to accept anything for that to happen. You are still in shock but when that subsides you will start to realise that you cannot and will not want the POS and his fucklet in your life

Can I just say that I hope you came up with and trademarked the term 'fucklet'? I have to admit that you're likely on point here. In my desperation to save my marriage I'm probably overreaching in terms of what is emotionally or even practically possible.

your wife is not yet exhibiting the correct behviours which will aid your healing and ensure a successful marriage.

Bingo! I'm seeing that so much more clearly now than even a few days ago. At first I was hopeful because she was telling me, "Well, we might be able to stay together if..." Now I realize that I am the one who needs to be saying that statement. And that "if" includes total commitment to reconciliation. I realize no promises can be made but without the commitment then there is nothing. She has turned around a bit in this regard. Right now, though, she is so confused, emotional and hormonal that I'm not sure if I'd believe here if she made a full verbal commitment. I'm going to need to see, not just hear.

Bingo! I'm seeing that so much more clearly now than even a few days ago. At first I was hopeful because she was telling me, "Well, we might be able to stay together if..." Now I realize that I am the one who needs to be saying that statement. And that "if" includes total commitment to reconciliation. I realize no promises can be made but without the commitment then there is nothing. She has turned around a bit in this regard. Right now, though, she is so confused, emotional and hormonal that I'm not sure if I'd believe here if she made a full verbal commitment. I'm going to need to see, not just hear.

Yes. That's a good start. Put yourself in the drivers seat and control where the situation is going. DO NOT LET HER DO THE DRIVING

If, and this is a big IF, she pulled her head out of her ass, realized the destruction to everyone involved, and made the effort to move the Heavens and Earth to save the marriage, then that is one thing. You can make a more rational decision off of that. But not with the self-serving shit that she is giving you now. You have to protect yourself.

Totally right. She is partially there...she gets the destruction part. Total and complete apology. OK, I accept the apology but that is obviously not enough. The moving heaven and earth part? Not even close. So far that part has been all me. That's not going to work, either. :-(

He wants to go to the first OB appointment. He has that right no matter what I say, doesn't he? Yes yes yes, the romance has to stop. But they are going to be involved for life no matter what. He wants to be fully involved as the kid's dad even if my marriage survives. Can I really demand a NC in this circumstance?

Welcome to the next 21 years of your life, Strange.

Demand better for yourself.

You really need legal advice, sooner rather than later.

You know, this is an awfully plum position for the OM--not only can he legitimately keep in contact with his f-buddy, he gets a child that he doesn't have to raise! How good is that?

Seriously, dude, find the best family law practitioner in town and get your legal ducks in a row. The above scenario is about as messed up as a soup sandwich.

You can and should demand better.

Cat

You know, this is an awfully plum position for the OM--not only can he legitimately keep in contact with his f-buddy, he gets a child that he doesn't have to raise! How good is that?

Partially right. But he wants joint custody and would get it if he went through the courts.

Strangeasfiction,

Just wanted to jump in and express how sorry I am for what you are going through.

Yes, it happened to me as well: STBX became pregnant with OM's child. She led me to believe at the time that it was mine, and together we deliberated, with many tears, whether we should keep it. Ultimately we terminated the pregnancy. I took her to the clinic, held her hand, and nursed her at home.

Months later she admitted that it was his, that he was "angry" she aborted, and THEN she said, "See what a sacrifice I made for you? See how much I love you?"

(You can't make this shit up.)

After this revelation, it was only a matter of time before I filed.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but for me? It would be the final nail in the coffin. I could not live the rest of my life involved with another man's child and that man always on the periphery, with me wondering when she would start up the affair again (if it ever stopped). In other words, limbo for the rest of my life. Sheer torment.

The fallout from infidelity knows no bottom. Again, I am really sorry; it's an extra layer of hell.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 8:38 AM, January 27th (Monday)]

Strangeasfiction,

Just wanted to jump in and say how sorry I am for you. Can I give you a different focus for today? What can you do today to move this aside and focus on yourself? Is there a place of solitude you could go and just be? Alone time with something you enjoy or centers you? Slow down the word today, even for one day.

Your wife is totally unremorseful and, frankly, a self-centered little brat. How old are your kids? Who was taking care of them while she was screwing around?

Maybe you need to adjust your focus to that of the kids. What would be the best scenario for the kids? That is how I would make the decision.

You staying, all of you raising the kids in one house with OM coming and going, to me, is the absolute WORST possible scenario. You might as well start a therapy fund for your kids right now because they're going to need it. We can all say who cares about the race of the child and what people will say about the unconvential living situation, but let's face it - kids can be really, really cruel and it's more likely that they will get teased than everyone will be all cumbaya about the fucked up family dynamic they have.

IMHO, Adoption or Abortion is the best possible scenario. If she would do this, would you? And let me see if i get this, Adoption/Abortion is not an option because SHE wants to the raise the child? Because her behavior definitely puts her in the running for Mother of the Year. Again, SHE wants this, but is it best for you and your children? I get if you're against abortion but, honestly, adoption is the best possible scenario for this child and your children. Think about it. You and she both say you won't harbor resentment. How do you know what you will feel when it's born? And maybe YOU will be able to handle it, but one thng's for sure, your wife has piss poor coping mechanisms and is broken. That's not likely a person who, once she wakes up and realizes what she's done, will be able to ignore the origin of her child. It will be a daily reminder that she will have to look at every day. Think about that. I won't even get into the fact that this poor kid's life will be totally fucked up from day one.

I get you don't want to do 50/50 with the kids, but the laws are very different today. Also, if it somehow doesn't get messy, I have had friends who D and have done very well co-parenting. Kids hangout at Dad's after school, etc.

Again, just my opinion, but If the child can't be put up for adoption then you should really consider leaving. Think about it. She says she's not in love with you. Why would you want to be married to someone who isn't in love with you?? If you leave, then at least your kids will have one home they can go to where there is stability, normalcy, and love.

You will ultimately decide, but I would put the kids as the focus for the right move.

And get yourself to a Lawyer ASAP. I'd actually get consults from two or three given the complexity if this. Stay strong and know you've got support here.

Abbondad - Wow, your story is so horrible and tragic and I'm just happy to see you here still standing. I hope somewhere I can find the strength you've found.

The fallout from infidelity knows no bottom. Again, I am really sorry; it's an extra layer of hell.

Yup. I'm glad nobody here is trying to tell me otherwise. "Don't worry, everything will be fine" is what I want to hear, not what I need to hear.