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Wow, she is especially heartless and cruel, even for a WS. I hope you are able to detach and get her out of your heart and mind as soon as possible. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I would out her as publically as possible, as I would anyone who callously destroyed multiple lives and didn 't even have the decency to feel ashamed.

You know what sucks the most?

While she is out hopping in the sack with everything with a pulse, being wined, dined, and shown affection and attention, I sit here with the dog.

First, she put me in a financial position in which I am afraid to spend any money unnecessarily.

Secondly, my lawyer has cautioned me against even the appearance of any impropriety... it would wipe out all of her previous bad acts.

I'm a guy who is not good alone. I need someone to place on a pedestal, to cook meals for and surprise with flowers, or drop cupcakes off at the office "just because". I have been that guy. It's what I am. The ladies that work for her always told her how fortunate she was. Now I find out that she is telling them that it was all an act for public consumption... that she was virtually ignored at home (not true).

Most of the things I did, no one ever knew. For example, I googled "flowers images" on my smartphone and every single day I sent her a new picture of flowers with an "I love you" text. I jokingly referred to it as sending "E-flowers". That wasn't for "public consumption", it was personal and private between us. It turns out that I was foolishly doing this throughout her entire affair with the first guy and the new guy. I have visions of them laughing at the silliness of it (It WAS kind of "dorky", I guess.)

But it isn't fair that she gets to play, has plenty of money to play WITH, and I get to eat ramen and dogsit.

Pisses me off.

Oh, Jim I can't imagine. I'm so sorry you have to face the kind of woman she was during your M.

No matter the money or her lifestyle, she isn't enjoying it. That's just the act she puts on for "public consumption". You have to have feelings to really enjoy life.

JustJim

Infidelity is tragic in any form. But what you are going through is almost surreal . I hope you stay strong and don't let WW define you. You mentioned that it is not fair that WW gets to be wined and dined. I would be happier eating Ramen noodles and being with my pet as opposed to leading a fake , selfish life.

Things have a way of catching up with you , and I'm sure your WW will pay her dues. And by you gaining this knowledge , though awful, I hope you know you are the moral, strong one , who was being pushed down by someone who seems very damaged.

Again I would rather live on Rameen then have to live like her.

strength to you in the next weeks.

JustJim – I’m sorry you are having to deal with a cold egomaniac. You’ve got the venting covered so I’ll leave it at that.

A few seconds and a couple of pounds of finger pressure was the only difference. I understand the sense of hopeless despair.

Not sure how far down the rabbit hole you have traveled, but the perspective of understanding how someone can take their life is something I’ve gained from all this. I understand it and I feel fortunate to have somehow always been able to see there had to be a better way.

I'm a guy who is not good alone. I need someone to place on a pedestal,

I have been that guy. It's what I am.

You know, maybe you’ve been that guy,(IDK sometimes we don’t see reality to well) but you don’t have to be that guy. I’m talking about the “not good alone” and “need” parts. Someday having someone to love and cherish – sure. Needing it to be happy – well that’s not who you have to be. You should focus on you and what you can do for you. It does not take any money to take that dog out for a hike or get some exercise doing something you enjoy. It’s time to focus on you for a while.

You have been a good husband. I am so sorry that she didn't have the guts to be a good wife.

Now, you need to be a good client for your attorney. Do everything he says.

I for one, actually told xWH that if he truly wanted me, he had better get his s$%t together fast because I don't do well on my own. I can tell you that no one is more surprised than me at how much I like being alone right now. I am really, truly having fun. I get to see movies I like, I get to spoil me with the little things that I like, I get to eat at the restaurants I like and I get to spend my time with people who really appreciate me. I don't have to feel bad if I offer to buy lunch for my family who are all helping my sister renovate her house.

And for the first time in my life I know what I am worth. I know what I bring to the table so I am not afraid to eat alone, for I certainly will never share another meal with a man who doesn't realize what I or he, himself, brings to the table.

Not dorky. Thoughtful. Don't get down on yourself.

And for the first time in my life I know what I am worth. I know what I bring to the table so I am not afraid to eat alone, for I certainly will never share another meal with a man who doesn't realize what I or he, himself, brings to the table.

Wow! I love your use of metaphor. NICE!

I hope I get there. Just right now things are all sideways and there isn't anyone to lean on when the nights are quiet and there is nothing to do but try and figure it all out.

I'm not having a pity party, don't get me wrong. I just had a pretty full plate dealing with the emotional aspect of her leaving and all of the hateful things she said to me and about me on her way out. Then there was/is the financial impact and the suddenly having to figure out what bills get paid when and how. And there was the incredible loneliness.

Now, I know about the three year affair, the love letters (using my words to her), and a man who is dead (in part)because of my wife. I don't even know how to feel about him. If he were alive I would hate him and want to kill him. Now that he is dead, I find myself pitying him.

It's weird.

According to the niece, WW's primary concern isn't the legal ramifications. She is mostly interested in getting her hands on the material so that her family never finds out. It's all about maintaining her image as "Sweet Little Hell Bitch".

The urge to "out" her is almost overwhelming, but the advice here has given me the sense to follow my attorney's counsel and wait.

But, "out" her I will as surely as God made little green apples. And when I do,

IT'S GOING TO BE BIBLICAL.

Two things to say:

(1) AFTER the crap has hit the fan and the dust has settled YOU,my friend, will be able to find that nice person who appreciates flowers- both real and eflowers. Your WW, sadly, will still be the cold heartless biatch she is showing herself out to be. You will be free of that cruel woman and free to find one of life's nice ladies- one who appreciates you turning up with cupcakes just so she can see your affection for her. Heck- I bet most of the ladies here on SI went "aaaaww" when they read that so never feel that showing your gratitude to your wife is 'dorky'!! It's not.

(2) PLEASE sit on your hands for as long as the lawyer and your allies on here ask you to do so. I know you are probably itching to out her ass right now so her friends and family can see what a real princess she really is BUT- take stock of your own words and wait,wait,wait!!

As you already know- God DID make little green apples so as long as you can wait and wait and then wait some more I can assure you that you shall get your day.

It will be worth waiting for.

I hope you have enough photocopies of those letters to go around!!

ETA Typo's

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 5:55 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine trying to comprehend all that's going on. One thing I'd like to add, to what's already been said, is....

Her OM, he didn't get out from her manipulation. And he took his own life as a result of HER. Don't allow her to bring you down. I know you already see her for what she is. Now take that, and don't walk away...RUN! Be strong and don't look back. Talk with an IC. Make sure your family and friends know about what she's done, make copies, and make sure they have a set. Protect yourself. It sounds like she's never cared about anyone else except herself. She's struggling because she knows she's lost control, having those letters out there.

I read your story in your profile. She latched on to you right away, and never left? In some cases, that's not a bad thing. But knowing this other stuff, it sounds like she may have been using you from the beginning.

Do you know all her background? I'd see if there is anything you aren't aware of. What you've told us is scary, and I doubt you know everything. It sounds like you're being smart, and moving forward with a lawyers guidance. Good! Just make sure you watch your back.

For a woman to know a man killed himself, after she refuses to get back with him, and then only be concerned with scooping up the evidence... there is something wrong with her, and more to this story.

Please take care...

Justjim, you will get there. It sucks that it seems to take soooo loooong. When you do get there, you turn around to look back and it seems to have gone a lot faster than it felt. It's all about the perspective, my friend.

Be very cautious at this point and listen to that attorney. If I remember correctly, you are in a fault state and those letters are "proof of life", so to speak.

These moments of solitude and grief are tough but good for you in the healing process. They give their own "proof of life". They prove that you are human, have empathy, you were honest within your marriage and that you hurt therefor you can heal. Take your time and pretty soon you will look back and see from a different perspective

Be very cautious at this point and listen to that attorney. If I remember correctly, you are in a fault state and those letters are "proof of life", so to speak.

According to the attorney, in my state one only has to prove "opportunity and inclination".

Based on what I have described to her, the letters prove inclination, and the photographs of them together in his home indicate opportunity.

I guess we will have to wait and see. As badly as I want to tear her a new one in court, I am more interested in outing her to all of the people she has lied to for so long.

I just want to make her finally own her shit. All of it. And I want to feed it to her with a dirty spoon.

For a woman to know a man killed himself, after she refuses to get back with him, and then only be concerned with scooping up the evidence... there is something wrong with her, and more to this story.

I agree. It sounds like she's pretty far down the fucked-up spectrum, all the way into scary territory, possibly sociopath.

Just right now things are all sideways and there isn't anyone to lean on when the nights are quiet and there is nothing to do but try and figure it all out.

Jim, You have strengths you haven't yet become aware of. They'll get you through the lonely nights - and the lonely nights probably not all that new. Remember back to the years when you didn't have a partner - that's where you are now. You can do this, bro.

I suggest not working to analyze this. You'll never understand what went wrong with your W, so running it through your brain again and again is not likely to help you. I can see processing your grief and anger over what she did and fear of the unknown life you're facing, but I don't think analysis of her infidelity will get you one step farther. If you've got to do it, you've got to do it, but IMO you'll be better off if you skip it.

Stick with your feelings, and remember the explosion of your M was a result of her issues, not yours.

After reading your story in the past my clinical diagnosis is that your wife is a sociopath and a narcissist. BUT, at least you are finding that out now and getting out from under her black widow thumb. SHUDER

Watch your back. She sounds rotten and devious to the core and might retaliate. Make sure the locks have been changed. An alarm system might also be a good idea.

(((justjim))) sorry that all this is going down ... and glad you got your hands on those letter. Remember, you are not alone ... you can always get on SI and send someone a private message to dialogue if you need that ...

Watch your back. She sounds rotten and devious to the core and might retaliate. Make sure the locks have been changed. An alarm system might also be a good idea.

She knows I carry, always and everywhere. She knows there is a carbine by the bed. All of the other weapons in the house have been relocated from their positions when she was here.

I'm not worried about her. I have a very slight amount of concern about the new boyfriend who, by all accounts, is a meth head and really bad news.

I am a decent guy; a gentle soul. But, I have no problem with taking out the trash.

I'll feel a lot better when these documents are securely in my attorney's safe, though.

After reading your story in the past my clinical diagnosis is that your wife is a sociopath and a narcissist.

Is this serious?

I was considering checking in and doing some reading in the NPD forum, but wasn't sure if my situation fit.

Really looking forward to some insight.

(((justjim)))

Your story is a made for a cheap TV movie as mine was..I no longer have it in my profile but it was as bizzare of a story.

my clinical diagnosis is that your wife is a sociopath and a narcissist

Sounds like Dr PJ nailed it. If your STBXWW is a sociopath and/or a narcissist, the infidelity is and will be a secondary issue compared to who she is and has always been.

I'm 6 yrs from dday and 5 1/2 yrs from D/S. FT was never diagnosed but there is no doubt he was and is a narcissist. After you know, then you realize everything in your relationship was a lie. That is enough to bring you to your knees. and doubt yourself to the core of your beliefs.

Please seek an IC or professional that understands what wounds and scars are left after being married to a narcissist /sociopath. They run deep and are extremely painful. Many of us here know them well.

Big Hugs and never look back. She is a very sick woman to be so cold to the family of her ex-lover. As for the OM, remember he was a very broken man to stay with a woman after he found out she lied to him too about being married. Then to take his own life...so sad.

Big Hugs and sending strength to you in the weeks and months ahead.

ETA: NEVER, NEVER under estimate what a narcissist/sociopath can and will do. They are dangerous, especially to spouses they threw away.

Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 9:56 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Gma nailed it.

NEVER, NEVER under estimate what a narcissist/sociopath can and will do. They are dangerous, especially to spouses they threw away

VAR with you at all times. Don't answer her calls, don't reply to her texts except as needed regarding kids and finances. Avoid all un-chaperoned meetings with her at all costs. Witnesses every time.

WW's primary concern isn't the legal ramifications.

It will be once she is informed of what the legal ramifications are. Especially when you are able to receive back the funds that she spent on the affair. Now you have proof.

Watch yourself

Yeah, BTDT. It's not pretty. They get vindictive when exposed.