SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She has so many good qualities that it just makes it hard for me to give up on her.

I find this fascinating. That there is enough "other good" to negate what is obviously not healthy.

What about her matches your own values?

Because after all, isn't a relationship based on at least a bit of shared values?

ETA - I see fundamental things wrong with her, and that is a tough hill to climb, no matter the other shiny great things about a person.

[This message edited by ajsmom at 10:28 AM, March 27th (Thursday)]

I find this fascinating. That there is enough "other good" to negate what is obviously not healthy.

Ditto!

"well....you knew how I was".

And that my friends is the biggest grand-daddy excuse of all time. And believe me, it will be used as an excuse. I've heard that from the woman I was dating as an excuse for the passive aggressive way she was treating me. I finally decided my self-esteem couldn't take that kind of hurt and eggshell walking anymore from her and I just shut down. This is even after we talked about it and she said she would do me better going forward. To this day she still doesn't get it. And if she did she will tell you..."Well I'm just too old too change" (another bullshit line). Some people just never will.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 12:15 PM, March 27th (Thursday)]

I would be really leary of someone who admits this to me. My XH admitted his past "mistakes" with his first wife and said he would never do such a thing again too. He also tried to blame her a bit by saying things like, "She read too much; she never paid attention to me."

I would never continue a relationship with someone who tells me they cheated in the past. I believed him when he said he had learned from his mistakes, but he did not. He did the same thing to me, and it's almost a carbon copy of what he did to her, right down to telling people I didn't pay attention to him, which is complete bullshit.

Be careful. When people tell you who they are, listen to them.

I even discussed having her come on here and read and even contribute some and she seemed very open to that as well.

I hope she does join SI....that she reads the stories with an open heart, takes advantage of the wisdom and reads the recommended readings. If she is really feeling what you state (renewed faith, etc), she would embrace any new tools (SI) to help her get where she is aiming to be (a better her).

I agree. I think a willingness to read on here shows openness to empathy and change.

I would love to make "Not Just Friends" required reading for all couples about to be married. If she were willing to read that book, discuss it with you, and share how it applied to her OWN past choices... well I think that could tell you a lot about how much work she's really done.

I think I would personally date someone who admitted their past. It takes guts to admit you've cheated in the past. Many people know that it's an automatic deal breaker. So I think that honesty is good.

I will use myself as an example. I'm the BS in my last relationship, but I have cheated in the past in a prior relationship when I was younger. I was ashamed and knew it didn't look good, and I covered it up to new partners. Pretended it never happened. Then Dday happened and I went to counseling as a BS. My past came out though, and focused on it a lot. I had never dealt with it and learned from it, and I finally did. The next time I meet a guy, I will tell him the truth about it. I realize that it may be a deal breaker for him, but I want to be authentic and I want to be loved for who I am. And I truly feel that it wouldn't happen again because I understand what caused it the first time now.

I wouldn't automatically say no to a former WS. But I would ask questions, and I would listen to my gut feeling on it.

I would love to make "Not Just Friends" required reading for all couples about to be married. If she were willing to read that book, discuss it with you, and share how it applied to her OWN past choices... well I think that could tell you a lot about how much work she's really done.

Actually, I did suggest she read that book and she bought it and is currently reading it.

I agree, that should be required reading in order to get a marriage license!

What about her matches your own values?

Well, we actually met at church and are both now attending a small group together. Also, from what I have seen she is a good mother and also has a great career that she has worked very hard at. We both grew up in small towns and have conservative values. There's just a lot there to like.

We both grew up in small towns and have conservative values. There's just a lot there to like.

I would caution that actions speak louder than words. My ex said he had conservative values, and it's what attracted me to him. Even after Dday, he still declared that he had conservative values. He would say he didn't like opposite sex friends, porn, etc. But his actions were very different. And I know for a fact that his dating profile now says he has conservative values. So pay attention to her actions.