SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think under these circumstances the classy thing to do would be to meet her as arranged (after a phone message saying "I need to talk to you) and have a face-to-face. A bare minimum of consideration.

It's the abruptness of it that gives me douchebumps...

Yup. I feel the same way. And it is not like he didn't know from the start that it was going to be EOW. He didn't communicate with her. He blindsided her. The way he ended it was cowardly. I stand by what I said. I think he's an ass.

If a guy was gonna dump me I would prefer he do it over the phone rather than waste my time getting together to hear it.

I know nutmeg is hurting. I just can't believe the amount of names this guy has been called because he broke up with her. He didn't cheat.

"Hey nutmeg, we'll get together tomorrow, I'll let you kno... SQUIRREL!!!"

[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:34 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)]

I think under these circumstances the classy thing to do would be to meet her as arranged (after a phone message saying "I need to talk to you) and have a face-to-face. A bare minimum of consideration.

If a guy was gonna dump me I would prefer he do it over the phone rather than waste my time getting together to hear it.

Ok, so it is questionable whether an in person break up would’ve been better or over the phone was acceptable.

It's the abruptness of it that gives me douchebumps...

it is not like he didn't know from the start that it was going to be EOW. He didn't communicate with her. He blindsided her.

He was not even seeing her exclusively! He had been on 9 dates with her. He is not required to discuss every little thought with her. And just because he is ok with an EOW situation, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a major factor for him. He made a decision and communicated it with her. He is completely within his rights to do this, and I don't think he did anything wrong or bad (but admit that I may be missing something).

So the way I see it, the worst thing the guy did was break up using questionable means, how does any of this justify calling the guy an ass, douche, jerk, needy, cowardly, asshole, treacherous snake, selfish, prick, flaky, cold, stupid, messed up, irresponsible, he sucks, he’s not mature, he has poor character, he was duping her, and I’m sure I missed some.

Now, I’m all for supporting nutmegkitty, but this thread was more focused on unjustifiably tearing this guy apart. And while this may help nutmegkitty feel better right now, IMO, long term it would be more helpful to face the reality of the situation (ironically, I think this is one of the main themes elsewhere on SI).

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 8:55 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

Maybe I'm missing something, but didn't he lead her to believe they would be doing something over the holiday weekend, like, the night before?

He probably already knew at that point that he was probably going to be hanging with his new friend, but most likely hadn't fully committed yet until he had that one nailed down.

I'm guessing he was hedging his bets.

Why bother going through the motions of leading someone to believe they weren't going to spend the holiday alone when in fact they are?

Who does that?

It's deceptive and kind of sleazy. He should have just told nutmeg that he wasn't going to be available that weekend instead of implying that they would be together. That way she would have been free to make other plans for herself.

It's not the same as suddenly changing your mind about a restaurant order. It's dealing with real live people and their feelings which calls for a little more finesse.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 9:09 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

Maybe I'm missing something, but didn't he lead her to believe they would be doing something over the holiday weekend, like, the night before?

He probably already knew at that point that he was going to be hanging with his new friend.

Why bother going through the motions of leading someone to believe they weren't going to spend the holiday alone when in fact they are?

Who does that?

I think I said it in one of my earlier post, but I can see the situation where he is dating multiple (or just a couple) people and setting up dates in advance. Then one of them has the ‘exclusive talk’ and he agrees. Now even if he has a date with one of the others the next day, he is doing the ‘right’ thing by breaking it off. He was never leading them on, and he may still not even be ‘hanging with his new friend’ the next day. He is not being deceptive or sleazy. He is simply following through with the commitment he actually made, instead of the one that everyone on here is assuming he had made.

The right way to do it would to not have made the "date" with nutmeg in the first place if he already had another prospect in the same time slot.

Like I said, he was hedging his bets and she lost out on being able to make alternative plans for a big holiday weekend because of it.

Impolite to do that to someone.

The right way to do it would to not have made the "date" with nutmeg in the first place if he already had another prospect in the same time slot.

Again, I don’t think he had plans with someone else in the same time slot. In my scenario, he had a date the day before, during which exclusivity came up and after this conversation he broke up with her. Very responsible, very mature, completely honest, good character, etc.

I agree, it sucks that nutmegkitty was left without plans, but I also think it is wrong to demonize this guy.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 9:47 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

We'll never know what transpired on his end :(

We'll never know what transpired on his end :(

And this says it all. Nutmeg, sorry you are hurt, really. Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda isn't going to stop your pain, only time and space.

how does any of this justify calling the guy an ass, douche, jerk, needy, cowardly, asshole, treacherous snake, selfish, prick, flaky, cold, stupid, messed up, irresponsible, he sucks, he’s not mature, he has poor character, he was duping her, and I’m sure I missed some.

Sometimes the kindest thing to do in a breakup is be the bad guy. It ends things definitely so the other person can lick their wounds and move on with their life. If what you are doing is necessary, you don't need to defend it, but you can't deny people their reactions.

NMK is a great girl and people don't like to see her hurt. This guy hurt her. It's not personal, it's just the way things go.

The night before they were saying we'll decide what to do tomorrow when we see what the weather forecast is going to be.

Sadly she was the only one who didn't know it was going to be "cloudy with a chance of someone else."

If he had the exclusive talk it must have been after getting nutmeg psyched for the weekend.

If someone did that to me I'd be furious.

I am certainly not in any position to judge any person - including this bloke nutmegkitty was dating.

My $0.02 wasn't intended to characterize him poorly. My point was simply something about the story that jumped out at me.

The comment he made, "this EOW isn't working for me anyway"

If he wanted to pursue a relationship with her, and the EOW wasn't working for him - he had opportunity to bring that up and discuss it with her.

My personal opinion - my perspective only - is that it has nothing to do with the EOW arrangement, and everything to do with the fact that he met someone else who captured his fancy. Which, if they were non-exclusive, is definitely fine, and always a possibility for either party.

If that were the case though ... he could have just as easily said "Nutmeg, I met someone else, and I no longer wish to see you". Simply put.

The comment he threw in, "this EOW thing wasn't working for me anyway", in my perspective, was just a way to "let himself off of the hook" for responsibility for hurting her feelings. It justifies his actions, I believe, in his mind - a justification he probably would not need if things were truly understood as non-exclusive.

So ... my comments to Nutmeg were based solely upon that one component of the situation. I find people who do such things, in order to avoid responsibility - particularly responsibility for someone's feelings, good or bad - a red flag.

He was more concerned with how he felt than how Nutmeg felt - in my view of things, anyway.

I hope that makes sense ...