So yesterday marked 5 months since STBXSAWH has been out of the house. It's funny (comedictragic, I mean) how this has gone off the rails.
When he left, in my mind it was 3 days to cool off.
He wanted 7 days and that was fine.
7 days later he was raging at me and that was extended to 2 weeks.
More rage and that was extended to 1 month. We discussed what progress he had made in the month and I thought the discussion was fruitful.
At the 2 month mark, he wasn't ready to discuss progress and let me know he resented my monthly checkins with him. More rage.
Somewhere around 3.5 months he did a half-assed check in and then never has bothered to say shit to me about reconciling or moving back in since.
So it's over. This is how it ends. I fought for years goign to marital counseling with him, giving up large parts of Saturday nights so he could do SAA meetings, getting rid of TV in part so he would not be triggered, avoiding certain books and magazines so he would not be triggered. I supported him. I helped him confront his mother and reconnect with his family. I helped him get a new job. And all the while he was lying, masturbating in the shower, into the utility sink at work, in the work restroom. Fantasizing about sexy nurses (read: middle age home health attendants) standing at the bus stop as he drove down the street and hot, hot, hot Latinas everywhere. MILFs everywhere and sexy college girls in need of a quick buck everywhere. The girls at Target are so fucking hot in their khaki and red. And I didn't know. I had no idea. I didn't know about the bumps all over his genitalia, the bumps that would take 13 rounds of treatment to cure because we weren't having sex do to his faked sexual anorexia. I didn't know that he had found an old photo of his morbidly obese AP and was masturbating to it in a dog kennel at work. I didn't know that his mind was a cess pool. So he got me pregnant, and trapped me with his baby, dropped tiny bits of truth on me little by little and then left and never looked back.
I mentioned today that I had been triggered by a post on SI where someone mentioned that they were going to Recovering Couples for those affected by sex addiction. He just ignored me and said absolutely nothing in response.
He is trying to do something to help himself. But as usual helping himself means nothing about helping me. He doesn't love me and he doesn't truly love our son. He can't. Because he's a profoundly immature person who can only fixate on all the ways I have failed him by not backing him up in all ways at all times. I am just like his mother and all women are.
God I hate this and I wish one of us would die.
[This message edited by determinata at 12:16 AM, August 24th (Sunday)]
