SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Make sure you tell the other mans wife.

http://www.dr-fone.com/iphone-data-recovery.html

Get it free, you can view all the txt without needing to purchase.

Also demand access to her iCloud account. They can message each other through that with iChat. Look at the phone bill and if you see a sudden drop off of texting between the two but the data usage suddenly spiking up soon after then they are likely using iChat or other apps as a means to communicate.

When you tell the OM's wife, keep a close eye on that phone bill for the data usage spike.

If you know her icloud password without asking for it, you can monitor all imessages.

I haven't read the rest of the posts, so I hope I am not being repetitive.

She seems to be very very remorseful and says all the time that she is sorry and that it was the biggest and dumbest mistake of her life . From our talks she tells me that she thought that I didn't love her and was going to leave her .

My thought on that is she was telling herself that to justify her actions . I'm not going to say that we didn't have our problems because we did . She would bring up my lack of sex drive and say that it was because I didn't find her attractive , fat, etc.

That is a classic example of your wife being manipulative by blameshifting.

This seems to be right out of the affair handbook.

Lie about the extent of the sex, and put all the blame on the faithful spouse.

My wayward husband did all the same things.

He claimed he thought I no longer found him attractive.

But the day he went on a date to boink the OW, he had asked me if i thought he was attractive and I had eagerly assured him that I thought he was.

He was using my validation of his attractiveness to go see and boink the OW.

He later claimed he forgot that I told him he was attractive that day.

People who have affair are not above lying when caught.

Even worse than the lying is the blameshifting. Do not buy it. It is simply an excuse.

Anyway, when he talks to her, it is EXCLUSIVELY 100% ABOUT HER, how sexy she is, how much better he would treat her than you, how hot he is for her, how he is willing to risk everything for her, how you don't deserve her -

you get the idea. When you talk to her, it is once in a while about how sexy she is, but mostly it's about budgeting for a big purchase you have to make, who's going to take which kid to which activity, how the kids are doing in school, who's going to do what chore.

I agree with what wk55 says above.

I found emails and texts in which the OW was telling my husband how "PERFECT" he was, and how i did not deserve him.

In turn my husband would complain about silly thing, like how I wouldn't let him buy an $150,000 exotic car. (never mind we did not have the money)

In turn, she would tell him how she would let him buy it and how much she liked such cars.

He would complain about minor things and the OW would pick up on it, and show how she would do exactly the opposite.

Suddenly based on the emails, she loved everything he loved and loved everything I hated.

It was really sickening to read. If I did not see all the emails and texts, I would not believe it.

Coach, think about the wife who is in the dark, imagine she was you, wouldn't you want to know.

Here is my story my wife's first affair, I didn't tell his BS because I told him it was his duty to be honest with his own wife, he was a coward and didn't do it she found out by herself, when she called me to discuss what they did, she asked me why I didn't tell her, I told her that I told her coward worthless husband he needed to do it, so that "worm" wasn't big enough to be honest with his own wife.

So two ideas for you.

1. Tell him he has 24 hours to tell his wife, and she is to report back to you about the details so you can compair notes.

2. You tell your WW to tell her out of respect for her loss and then have the BS speak to you so you can compair notes.

The shame and embarrasment isn't on you, its on them. There is no honor in what they did, if it gets out you actully get to be the hero if you are reconsiling as it makes you the "bigger and better" man. Not the sneaky coward.

For her sake, you really need to do this.

Also RE:

You've been married a long time, you are partners, you are best friends, but you are no longer pursuing her like you did when you first met her and wanted to bag her. He gave her that, and she jumped at it. The guy still has nothing on you except that HE's NEW and your wife is WEAK

100% TRUE!~

Repectfully, Step (6f 3" 225lbs), also wanting to twist the APs head off and punt it like a football!!

[This message edited by steppingup at 12:04 PM, July 21st (Monday)]

This will be a hard time for you. You MUST get the truth if you want your marriage to recover. Have her provide a written time line of the A.

Your WW must be 100% transparent with you... all access to EVERYTHING, usernames, passwords, etc.

She should see a counselor. If you are choose to put forth the effort in recovery, she needs to understand herself deeper and the true reasons of her A and betrayal.

Keep gathering proof and NEVER get rid of the evidence that you discover. NEVER!!

I'm with mozzchops on this... Dr.Fone is the way to go, I have used it many many times.

This is NOT your fault! Don't blame yourself! Don't get caught up in "What If's" either, you will waste your day away.

I agree with telling the OM's wife. It will be nerve wreaking telling her, but she deserves to know.

Stay strong.. Eat, sleep and exercise.

Read up on the 180 and try and practice it.

Don't make any rash decisions in the heat of the moment.

Post as often as you feel like. We will be here.

Coach

So what have you done. I hope not nothing.

Hey badhurt, well needless to say I didn't do nothing . I asked my wife for her phone . As she handed it to me she said what do you need it for . I told her I was going to scan to pull up the deleted text so I could relieve the thoughts in my head that it was more than you are saying . WELL ! That's where the shit hit the fan . She went off about what good is that going to do . It's only going to piss you off more bla bla bla . So to avoid a huge fight in front of your kids I let it go . I walked outside to get some air is what I told her ,and walked down the street and told the other wife .

Now I can pretty much assume that you guys were correct the whole time and she's just a lying whore . I couldn't scan her phone last night because she hid the damn thing before she fell asleep . I will find it tonight and if I find what I figure I will find . I'm going to meet with a lawyer and attach the printouts of what I found with the other paperwork .

God damnit ! Why couldn't she just have come clean when I said a month ago when we talked and I said you have one chance to come clean . She swore to my face that all it was has texting and the kiss . I told her then if I get proof of anything else I won't talk anymore but will just be filing for divorce . This sucks and I'm fucking stupid !!!!!!

Why couldn't she just have come clean when I said a month ago when we talked and I said you have one chance to come clean

because the WS will usually, not always, but usually, minimize the truth. They will rationalize that lying will protect the BS from more hurt.

It is said that the WS lies more to themselves than they do to the BS.

It is all about rationalizing that lying is better than truth. Or in reality CYA.

Coach

She probably has deleted everything incriminating, but there are ways you can retrieve that. techies on here will help you with that.

Sorry but you know the answer now and i hope you proceed right to the attorney. She had a chance to tell you the truth and chose to lie, which means it probably has still been going on.

If you cant get the texts, she will continue to lie.

What was reaction of other wife??? If she was pissed it will be another set of eyes.

YOU ARE NOT STUPID> You are just an honorable man with a liar and cheat for a wife. We've all been there.

Tell her she will now take a lie detector test and my guess is you will get the same horrified reaction that you got when you took the phone.

Today she has probably been coordinating the story with the OM so do NOT believe anything she tells you, ANYTHING!!!

[This message edited by Badhurt at 1:10 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

She can't contact him thru the cell because I blocked his number without her approval . At this point I don't care if I poss her off . To answer the question yes she was pissed and didn't believe me till I showed her the screen shots I took where my wife admitted it to me .

Don't feel bad. It took me 2 months to get the truth. Even now I'm not absolutely sure I got the whole truth.

Even when I left to go and see the OM (my friend) I said is there anything else ? No was her reply. Funny but more was found.

This is much more damaging than the physical side of things for me.

Can't she just unblock it. And she still can delete texts and or photos . Yes, don't be surprised if she was sexting him also. I am pretty sure you are going to have to cell provider or there might be an all or program that retrieves deleted texts. I can't help you on that. I am not tech savvy

My guess is he will probably try to lie his way out if it just like your wife did. My guess is right now both of them are in panic mode.

You cannot let her get off without consequences and for heavens same do not run right to MC without having any idea what the extent of what you are dealing with is. You do not need to know why, you do not need to give her any books to read right now. You need the fucking truth and you need to tell her you will get it or she will be and divorce statistic .

One of two things will happen her some of it depending how much you blew up his life last night. If his wife has the same reaction as you , he wi dump her. If not they may go underground and he will keep after her as long as she wants to jump in sack with him.

If he dumps her she will be crying and want to bang your brains out. Do not fall for it!!!

Nothing can move forward until you get the answers you want.

You have one big advantage over a lot of others here. You went right to angry mother fucker mode and skipped denial.

I did that and it worked out for me.

You best move is No comprises, no privacy for her, and her life becomes hell until she confesses everything.

Hurt , I have downloaded the software I need to recover the deleted texts . As for her unblocking him it's not possible because my number is the master number for our family account so unless she figures out my password she can't undo what I've done . Unfortunately I think he dumped her awhile ago and that's why she's been up my ass wanting to bang EVERYTIME we get a second . I'll admit at first I fell for it and got blinded my the attention and she ALMOST got away with me just sweeping it under the rug . I'll also admit that I wanted to if I can be so blunt , fuck her brains out to show her she fucked up .

She told me that they had a conversation when we separated and he basically dumped her and she him when his only statement when he found out I knew was " is he going to tell the wife because I'll lose my kids " . She realized at that point he didn't give a shit about her .

You are now seeing full blown regret at getting caught. I still don't hear any remorse or empathy for you. She's continuing to lie by not letting you see her cell phone.

You know what you are going to find on that cell. Her actions already tell you. You are going to fine a bunch of shit that is going to make you feel terrible about yourself. Shit that she was telling AP to justify her actions. That's why she doesn't want you to see it.

Your WW is a seriously broken person. Once you get the restored texts, what's the next move? Have you set down any boundaries and consequences or are you maybe thinking straight to D?

Sorry that she blew your world up Coach. Expect things to get worse. We are here for you.

yop

You also probably determine from her text that you were plan B if things didn't work out with the OM, hence the added sexual attention from her.

To even be able to rebuild trust, she has to come completely clean and show transparency, own her shit, experience and show remorse, fix herself and find out her "why" and help heal you from the betrayal. Accept no less from her or expect a repeat performance of another A.

Good job putting your foot down fast.

Can I be the voice of temperance for a minute?

Consider the following course of action:

1) Recover the texts, completely, pay the 100 for the software, recover the data, and put the "messages.html" as well as all the contents from the message attachements folder onto a flash drive (maybe two) and put them in a safe place WITHOUT READING THEM right now.

Do this tonight. Everyday you wait, every new message or photo or song on her phone ruins the quantity and quality of what you recover.

Don't read it right now. I know you're in a rage, you're humiliated, jealous, and most of all in total shock. You'll probably want to read it all, but not today. You may decide down the road that you don't want to see things, and they cannot be unseen. There are some brutal text messages that I saw from my wife (literally making fun of me and OBS) that seriously damaged me. In my case, I don't regret seeing them (mostly because my wife told me everything beforehand and it all was consistent with her story), but seeing that shit isn't for everyone.

2) Schedule a time to talk more with your wife, and when you do, try to get her to understand the importance of telling you all the truth. Hopefully you'll get a good chunk of it this time. It is extremely (really, extremely) rare that you'd get the full truth the first few gos. As rare as that is, it is even rarer that she'd not claim to have told you everything, even though she hasn't. That doesn't mean that the M is dead.

She will not likely remember what is in those messages, but knowing that you have access to them, as well as to OBS, you're likely to get a much clearer picture of the truth (assuming your wife is starting to become somewhat remorseful).

3) Don't be too put off by the fact that she's lied even now. They.all.do. The concern is what is going to happen going forward. It is way to soon to make decisions about your marriage, IF she is willing to attempt to work things out. If she really wants out, nothing you can do. But don't just assume that because the fog couldn't clear immediately that the M is completely irreconcilable. On the other hand, if she's unwilling to work with you at all, you may have a different story.

4) Try to work on yourself. Even if you could press a magic "eject" button ending the marriage that second (I'm glad they don't exist, I'd have used it a few times), it won't heal the pain you're going through. That pain won't heal for a long time, with or without her.

In investing, there is a concept known as a "sunk cost." What this essentially means is that you can't look at what you've put into a project to determine whether or not it is wise to put something more into it, or alternatively to put your money somewhere else. If you have put 10,000 into project A, and nothing into project B, and you are deciding whether to put your last 1K into A or B, then the only outcome that matters is which pays more. If project B paid out 3K, but project A only 2K, you'd still put the money into project B because the 10K is a "sunk cost".

Relationships don't work that way. As the scumbags at AM remind us, life is short. There is a very finite time we get to spend in relationships, and the history with someone who you thought was a good woman is NOT irrelevant, it is not a "sunk cost." The woman having this affair may or may not be who your wife really is. Take the time to figure that out.

tl/dr: I don't think from what you've said the M is dead.

3) Don't be too put off by the fact that she's lied even now. They.all.do.

It happens about 100% of the time. Maybe one out of a thousand doesn't do exactly what your wife does. This is so common that I have come to believe it is human nature. Many a successful reconciliation have followed lies like your wife likely told you. Most common lies are how long it lasted, when it really started, when it really ended, when was the last contact, and of course my personal favorites the "just one kiss" and "just one time" lies.

I'm not saying not to try to reconcile. But if you don't follow through on things you say you're going to do, your ultimatums lose meaning. Don't make the mistake of giving ultimatums and not following through. Go ahead and see a lawyer and file. It will do her some good, and you a world of good, when she realizes how serious this is. Just because you file doesn't mean you can't reconcile. You can tell your wife you'll call off the divorce when she starts acting like an honest open wife who wants to tell the truth and make amends.

You think she exploded over you wanting to look at her phone? Wait until she finds out you told other man's wife and hurt her precious honorable noble innocent affair partner. She will be beside herself with worry over him.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 7:07 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]