SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 54, been divorced for 2.5 years. I'm content with where my life is right now. When I think about how my life will be, I recognize that it may or may not include a SO. But what's more important is that I can see myself thriving whether or not it includes someone else because I really like ME.

If you only concentrate on what you don't have, you will miss all the great things you do have.

I am 39, divorced for just under a year, separated from XWH in Oct 2012. I am so much happier now. I don't think I realized how miserable I was in my marriage because when you're so deep in it, it becomes your normal, KWIM?

Now, I live alone and don't have to worry about the behavior of a violent, in-denial alcoholic.

I feel safe in my own home, all the time.

I worry about money, yes, but it's empowering to take control of my own finances and life plans-making a will, AMD, etc.

My friends have been the greatest joy and blessing for the past 2 years.

I've got an application in for a grant that would take me overseas in 2015, and my XWH was not at all interested in having that kind of adventure with me.

I don't know if this is true for everyone, but for me:

Getting divorced is awful. Being divorced is not.

The sadness of divorce is nothing--NOTHING--compared to the anguish of infidelity and being in a marriage that is falling apart.

I have a wonderful person in my life now who really does have my back. He treats everyone with kindness and is perplexed when I get teary over this; he really doesn't get that some people don't behave that way. I am safe with him, too, and our love is something that I've vowed I will never take for granted.

I used to think I'd never get married again, but now I feel more willing to take that risk again. I trust myself in a way that I didn't when I got married at 25.

I too thought I would not survive, but I did. And you will too. :) Take good care of yourself!

I'm 53 and have been D for 10 years after 24 years of marriage. It is wonderful now, but it didn't get that way overnight, or without some work on my part.

I think you might be amazed at the growing you will do personally after such a dramatic life shift. However, you must adjust your attitude to do so. And that takes time. You will mourn the loss of your "normal" for longer than you'd probably like.

I will caution you not to run headlong into a new relationship too soon. Many of us "old timers" have been there, done that and have the battle scars to prove it. You can NOT find happiness in someone else, you must first find it within yourself.

After a long healing process which included too much time alone, too much wine, and a too-fast relationship with a broken person and the resulting aftermath, I had a great life on my own. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. I spent enough time with friends and family to not be too lonely and enough time alone to nurture myself after years of putting everyone else first.

I am currently in the best relationship of my life with a man that I thought was "just a friend." We are both having the time of our lives!

Sending strength and peace.

NL

Good question and good answers. Thanks for asking I myself also wonder this.

I have to thank everyone again for taking the time to answer my questions.

There is so much hope offered here. I am struggling with the fact that I seem to have no choice in any of this. WH came home, said he was leaving and I basically have no say so in what my life has become. I had no idea an affair was even going on.

Because of the no fault divorce, even though I put more, financially, into the marriage, I will lose it all. I retired early last year after 28 years of teaching, due to health issues, and he can even get part of my little, tiny pension.

So, these stories of hope, and of overcoming this horrible thing that has happened, mean every thing to me. Thank you again.

bumping for limbo.

blindsided, Can you negotiate with your ex? A long term marriage should mean you are entitled to alimony. Use that to get your share back out and to protect your pension. Just because he is entitled to it, doesn't mean he will always get it.

Also, does he care at all about his reputation? Can you use that in any way? (((hugs))) It really does get better.

Caregiver9000,

I am hoping we can negotiate in some positive way. It's still so new that my idea of fair is him living in a cardboard box and I get everything else, lol:)

I have my first IC next week so hopefully things will seem more positive as I start to work through some of these feelings.

To the original poster, the pain still so new to you and it is very common at this stage to feel like you will be hurting like this forever. You won't. Whether or not your new beginning has another romantic partner in it or not, things will be better. It might be helpful to make a list of Things You Don't Miss about him.

Since divorce I feel like a different person. When I look back on my perspective on things during the marriage and during the split, it seems so and dysfunctional. That is one way how I've been measuring my personal growth. I wonder to myself "how did I ever think that way about xyz back then?"

I was in a state of being flooded with and accepting his delusions, making excuses or justifications for crazy behavior. Since divorce I see things more clearly and a lot more logically. He's also untreated personality disordered. One time in the marriage he got on meds, he was a different person! things that would set him off no longer did, it was puzzling to me at the time. He then thought he didn't need meds or became ashamed or whatever reason stopped taking them and returned to his dramatic, raging, quick tempered and mean self.

You're going to be ok. It won't be perfect but chances are it will be so much better than where you are now.

This forum has become my lifeline. Thank you for posting positive stories and about recovery. Keep them coming!

Blindsided, do you have an attorney? I concur with the other poster that after a long career like yours, he shouldn't be able to wipe you out financially.

I was actually just thinking that at this time, two years ago, I was nearly suicidal over the disintegration of our marriage, and I didn't even know about the affair then. I thought we were falling apart because of other things. And now, there is so much peace and anticipation of what the future holds.

Wherever you are now is not where you will always be. That's true no matter whether we're miserable or joyful.

[This message edited by Ailanthus at 11:36 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]