SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi gfunk, if the shoe was on the other foot, and you were doing this to her, would she be so patient?

Gfunk, if the shoe was on the foot right now, dont you think your wife would be livid.

Dont you think she would be talking to the OW husband. Dont you think she would have kicked you out of the house by now.

The one thing I keep thinking about, your wife is already worried about this OM having to pay all of this child support.

So look how lucky your wife and the OM are right now, they have the best of both worlds. Their secret affair going on and he probably has a great home life. While you sit in a living hell suffering and being asked to wait.

Gfunk,

You are getting pretty much the same advice from a large number of posters here. That doesn't always happen. Many of those posting have gone through similar events. Which at the time of the events, many thought were unique situations. They figured out later on that they were not in unique situations. And their current advice to you is based on experience and reflection, not just guesses and knee-jerk reactions.

The point of this analysis is to help you see that while your resistance to doing what we are telling you to do is understandable, we have learned that being nice and understanding is not the way to bring her out of the A and to be in a position to try to save your M.

The most immediate problem is that she continues to be in contact with him. As long as that's happening, she is still in the affair. And as long as she's still in the affair, you cannot being to try to save your marriage. Unless you want a three person marriage where she gets the support and security from you and her ego stroked by him.

She made a conscious decision to have an A. She can make a conscious decision to end it. Give her the reason to do so by following the advice you are getting.

She disrespects you. Ask the women here. Women do not respect men who are not firm and forceful. Unless you become that man by setting down clear boundaries for her if she wants to salvage the marriage, anything g you do is simply a waste of time that she and OM will laugh at together.

Yes, it's difficult. And no, she won't like it. But that is what you have to do. Even if you hand her your list of non-negotiable demands.

Her leaving isn't the worst outcome. You remaining as you are with her in an affair is worse.

Think about it and act.

My wife was supposed to be off work nearly an hour ago. She was supposed to be stopping by the grocery store to pick up some rice for dinner. The grocery store is 5 minutes away from her work and from there its another 20 minutes or so here. I have sent her 3 text messages with no response while me and my 3 girls are waiting for her to get home so I can start dinner. I'm going to try and fins the strength to put my foot down tonight. I can't keep going through this.

Start dinner now. Feed your kids and you. If there are any leftovers she can reheat them. If she doesn't like that, remind her she was late and out of communication, not you.

Start right now doing this to put your foot down. Kids should go hungry because she's having an affair? Think about what the right thing to do is.

So you think she is with the OM?

Can you call the OM, did you ever get his phone number?

This is completely irresponsible for a grown woman to disappear like this. It needlessly scares people and it really beyond words.

If this is because of the affair, it is time to end it any way you can.

Did you call her work number to see if she left?

[This message edited by craig2001 at 5:13 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

She is undoubtedly out with the OM either having sex, making out, or planning how they can continue to make a fool of you.

I hope putting your foot down means either it stops immediately or you see an attorney.

And you may start listening and calling the wife of the other man instead of beg g him to stop

Looks looks like you are getting to your pain threshold . If so you might get some results.

If you tell her how much you love her and want her you are wasting your time. You are Plan B right now and he is more important to her

The sooner you face that the better you will be

Gfunk, I totally feel your pain and I'm in the same place as you, except I'm the wife and my asshole husband is having an affair with a ho. As I sit here and eat dinner by myself at the computer and don't bother making any for my loser of a husband, I thought I would also reiterate what the others are saying. It is so hard to not be nice. I started out being nice but then realized that the two of them were just laughing at me and making fun of me. Even after I cried, begged and demanded no contact. My husband even cried and agreed to have no contact but 3 hours later, they had full contact, screwing, trying to figure how how to deal with me, you name it. I can read their text messages so I know all of this. Even though you don't have proof, you can bet that the same thing is happening to you. My husband doesn't respect me at all!

Take a firm stand for yourself and your children. I have an adult daughter and it kills me to think what she would think of me for staying in a shitty situation like this. It seems hard now but in the end, you will have their respect.

I've filed for D and it should get really fun when he is served this week.

Hugs,

A

I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well!!

I'm in a similar situation but won't go through my details. The best you can do is look after the kids. Don't assume she's with the OM...it will drive you crazy. Has she worked late before or sometimes not able to call or text while at work? Wait for the explanation. In the meantime, do you have access to hear phone? I'd download a software that can retrieve deleted messages (Wondershare has a product I used). Start saving for a PI and exit plan. Conditions are not negotiable...she is either onside with you to reconcile this or it's over. I've had some great advice on my posts and it's helped. It's easy to get caught up emotionally and get yourself worked up...step back, look after the kids and listen to what she has to say. Once you hear her, tell her your side and you want MC and if you want to move on it has to end.

Good luck!

I hope you have had enough and are going to tell his wife.

I think the time is now.

If you can call, do so and see if BW knows where OM is. If he is home, then you have a mystery. If not, you can pretty well guess who he is with.

Does she have a smart phone with a find my phone feature.? Can you use it if she does?

A vanished spouse is reason enough to start searching, A or not.

Sitting at home doing nothing is not going to help. Your search may not be successful, but you should try.

I agree if she has not replied throw the kids in the car and look for her I hope she is fine but bad things happen sometimes.

Gfunk

The situation will not change at all if you continue not to act.

Start making decisions for you.

Why on earth would you let the fate of your marriage be left in her hands???

She is a liar.

She is a cheater.

She has lost all respect for you.

So start making decisions.

Inform the OMW now. Start there.

HM

I finally got a reply, supposedly she was speaking with OM and another coworker this evening after work before she went to the store. I communicated tonight that I'm not ok with it at all, I will never be ok with WW communicating with OM at all outside of necessary work communication. I also made it clear that she needs to make her decision sooner than later as I will not be her doormat and I will not feel this way every day, wondering if she's doing anything and hurting the way I do. I have been firm, caring, changing for the better, and showing my love. I am trying to say I love you less and possibly refrain from it at all until she decides what she wants to do about us. I feel I am doing everything I can to open up her heart. As I may or may not have stated before I am a Christian and this event has brought me much closer to God than I ever have been before. I am trying to be forgiving, compassionate, and loving while still making it clear that what she has done and continues to do is in no way, shape or form ok with me and that if she chooses to continue to talk to the OM and not engage in NC then we will need to proceed to divorce even though it's absolutely the last thing I want. Thank you for all your advice, I am trying to listen and be stronger, bolder, and more confident while still being loving. I know the OM's name but I do not know his spouse's name or where they live although I would like to find out somehow in order to let her know as well. This is also still a very critical decision for me to make as I don't want to ruin someone else's family the way mine may be on the way to but on the same hand she certainly deserves to know about the OM's betrayal.

This is the third time you have told her that. Her response was to be with the OM after work regardless of how you feel. She is giving you her answer every day. You stated what you said. What did she say???

If you are Christian , I believe the faith teaches us that marriage is sacred, but not to your wife.

Every day you postt that she has broken no contact and refuses to give you and respect, and you keep telling us about your love for her and compassion.

She is showing you no compassion. After the discussions with her since you started posting, she purposely stays to be with him after work today and ignores your texts. Do you really enjoy what you are going through because it is not going to stop until you stop it.

If you know his name you can find him on google or a to. Of sites where you can pay $25 for a one time search and get a whole bunch of information .

DO SOMETHING

She is not scared of your threats or statements at all because you have done nothing to give her any reason to do anything

Drawing lines in the sand mean nothing if you refuse to enforce them. You have now drawn three lines about NC and are still requesting.

Make an appointment with an attorney .

Your wife does not give a shot about you right now.

Everyone posting here is waiting for you to do something to really get her attention a do I I her ass off the fence

We can't do it for you

The longer you wait with her attitude you can be sure if they have not fucked they will .

You have not even taken the advice of a VAR to find out what is going on.

If you stay paralyzed you will continue to get crapped on.

When you see the light???

[This message edited by Badhurt at 9:50 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

I'll try to be short. What after work conversation is so important that she can't break away for a few seconds to text or reply? Is she even home yet?

Third person? Sure, somebody said goodbye to them on the way out the door most likely. The rest of any conversation was between the two of them, personal and private.

Her story makes no sense.

You need to do a major Sherlock Holmes on her with phone and computer and VAR in car. And, if you are bold, check he r dirty laundry literally for evidence. Check the credit card statements. Keep a diary of her absences such as tonight. And her work hours. You may find her needing to "work" late more frequently. Do a thorough computer search to learn OM's wife's name and contact information. She deserves to know. Dont tell your wife you are going to do this since they will portray you as a crazy, jealous and delusional husband.

The PA may have advanced tonight. She was gone long enough. And she knew you were home with the kids.

Finally,,have you read the FAQ for BS section of the Healing Library and some of the longer threads here? You'll see that your story isn't unique.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 9:52 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

I am trying to be forgiving, compassionate, and loving while still making it clear that what she has done and continues to do is in no way, shape or form ok with me and that if she chooses to continue to talk to the OM and not engage in NC then we will need to proceed to divorce even though it's absolutely the last thing I want.

The way my IC put it was that being forgiving and loving doesn't mean you enable them to continue in their sin. We tend to think of love as a soft, fluffy thing that doesn't upset the other person. Sometimes in order to be a loving person we need to ensure the person we love has consequences. For a WS, that could mean losing the M and having the A outed to their work, family and AP's BS.

I truly believe there's a reason adultery is compared to worshipping false gods in the Bible. The damage done is immense. That's why it is one of the few reasons given for D in the New Testament.

Outing the A and moving towards D is sometimes the best, most loving options.

Sigh...

You are the beta provider now.

Just sad.

She has changed the unlock code to her phone since that's how I caught her in the first place. I think if I could figure that out or figure out a way to get into her phone without a factory reset I would have a much better idea of what's been going on and what else has been discussed since d-day. As far as the VAR, I could get one but that's assuming that they do things in her vehicle and not his. Any suggestions on sites where I could possibly find his address? I tried with his email address on spokeo.com but no dice. Any ways you can suggest to get into her phone and/or an affordable/easy to find VAR are greatly appreciated.

Keep it simple hire a PI for about $75/$125 to get the phone number so you can contact his w.

var got that

http://www.amazon.com/ICD-PX333-Digital-Voice-Recorder/dp/B00BOXNSRY/ref=sr_1_1?s=electronics&ie=UTF8&qid=1407900531&sr=1-1&keywords=sony+voice+recorder