SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is so true:

So I agree with the other posters that you can argue about this the rest of your lives or you can go to a therapist. You were "in the mood" with your AP likely because of the ego kibbles and the infatuation. Those are like "cheat codes;" they don't exist in a long-term marriage--no matter how loving. There needs to be a different solution.

A marriage has so much true love. There is more to deal with then just someone feeding your ego. Everything that I thought was true in the A was a lie, only to feed my ego.

Ladies, pay no attention to Hopelady500.

Pathetic psycho troll.

She is a troll? Really?

From a BS perspective, one thing we always struggle with is that we are the second choice - leftover goods. Obviously being very sexual with the AP and then not being the same way with the BS is going to be difficult for any BS to accept.

No - this doesn't mean you owe your BS sex if you do not want it - I can nothing more horrifying than my ww having sex with me because she felt obligated to.

At the same time though, the BS is going to want to know why. In my own case D-Day was followed by a suicide attempt by ww. She went on AD's - which absolutely killed her libido. It was hell disentangling everything in the aftermath - but as we began to understand the AD's we began to sort out the why.

I can nothing more horrifying than my ww having sex with me because she felt obligated to.

This big time. I would rather have no sex than sex with someone who feels like she 'has' to do it.

I cannot think of a better example, but lets consider dishes. Suppose the dishes need to be washed.

Scenario 1:

Your SO does them without being asked, because SO wants to and also because SO knows it makes you happy.

Scenario 2:

You ask your SO to do them and SO does them happily or respectfully explains why they cannot be done now.

Scenario 3:

You ask your SO to do the dishes, and SO blames you for nagging them. Or SO does the dishes, but with an attitude and says something like "There, I did the damn dishes, now leave me alone."

For me, obligation sex is awful. It feels like I'm a big inconvenience to the other person, which again, just feeds into that "ugh, I'm so repulsive to wife" feeling.

ETA: Obligation sex is like Scenario 3 for me, but much worse. I meant to add that to the paragraph above but missed it for some reason.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 11:11 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]

It is true that W is not obligated to have sex with me. Before her A, we had sex a little less than once a year. I really struggled with this, and eventually just moved toward acceptance. She told me she just wasn't a sexual person, so I accepted her as she was and honored my commitment to her.

You can see how her A turned that upside down. Yes, it is true that she is not obligated to have sex with me. But now, to me, "I'm not a sexual person" is bullshit, at least when it comes from her.

A couple of years ago I took the stance that WW was free to see OM, but if she chose to do this she could not also be married to me. Similarly, she is under no obligation to have sex with me, but she can no longer choose this and stay married to me.

We are actively working toward improving our intimacy with each other. There is much more to it than just doing it or throwing the responsibility at hers or my feet (ie: she needs to initiate more or I need to help around the house more). It has been a team effort and we actually have a sex life now, and one where when we have sex we are both happy about it. Last year I wasn't seeing the progress though, and I told her that if we didn't make some progress, I was not going to stay married.

I wasn't playing some angle. It was the truth, plain and simple.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 11:07 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]

Alyssamd24,

I was responding to what Starting said because she was kind enough to answer a question I asked her. I hope I didn't sound mean, I was just putting myself in her husbands shoes.

Thanks for clarifying lawdog!! Like I said I didnt know if you were addressing me or not.

Redsox and Saturn-

Thank you both for your input I do appreciate it and you both helped me realize where my BH is coming from.

I dont feel obligated to have sex with my BH...when we have sex I enjoy it and I find him very attractive. I wouldn't want to have obligation sex because I agree it is cruel and unfair to him.

I understand his insecurities about feeling wanted and attractive are a direct result of my A....I have tried many different things to meet his needs and come out of my comfort zone with sex....because I realize I owe him that much.

I feel like we have very different sexual appetites/needs. I think that my meds are partly to blame...they decrease my interest in sex even though I still have interest. ..just not as frequently as him.

I understand the whole "you dont like sex but went and had a PA with another man" I am not trying to minimize my actions when I say this just trying to explain myself....my A was not about sex. The P aspect of my A lasted three months, then was an EA. Yes it was still an A and still caused damage and I realize this....I dont know anything what im trying to say. ..other than it wasn't about the sex.

I appreciate all the input from everyone on this post. This is something I know I need to work on, and I want to repair it...for my BH and my M.

99lawdog99 - thanks for clarifying - I thought you were replying to me but wasn't sure. I am torn on that actually. That's one thing I'm hoping my IC will help me with is whether I want in or not. I know I need to be fully in and I'm not quite there but almost. I honestly feel like the part that isn't is just the part of me in a "fog" that hasn't yet figured out how to be fully in. If that's the case, it's too soon to walk away IMO. If I find out that's not the case and that I'm really not all in, I hope I realize it sooner than later and can make the right choice to end it.

Alyssa

yes the incidences from your childhood are CSA. And I am sure this affects your depression/libido

So those are something that you should work through in IC. The meds may very well be affecting your libido.

Your BS will feel as if, for somebody that is not interested in sex. Why would you be interested in sex with somebody else? Have you found what "gets you in the mood" what did the AP do, that your BS does not do?

My BS tells me that she felt like sex was a production or performance not intimate. And she had obligation sex with me. And I could feel that lack of interest. It is a lose lose situation.

So you look for what "turns you on" and share that with your BS. You can give him the tools to help the situation. Instead of just arguing about it.

I agree that what you experienced as a child is CSA. You are minimizing it and that right there is a telltale sign that it's something you are not dealing with and working through. Abuse is abuse, there are varying degrees, but like all forms of infidelity, it all hurts and does damage. CSA of any nature, not just the most severe forms, all have profound effects because it's trauma happened in developmental years where you are most vulnerable, most impressionable.

I'm very sorry for what you have experienced. That coupled with your meds I'm sure contributes how you view sex.

Your BS will feel as if, for somebody that is not interested in sex. Why would you be interested in sex with somebody else? Have you found what "gets you in the mood" what did the AP do, that your BS does not do?

In my own experience, sex with someone else had very little to do with what turned me on and more about recreating the shame of my abuse. What turned me on was being violated, again. It's not a healthy place to be, and certainly doesn't suggest the AP did anything better than the BS, but was indicative of the very broken place that my motivations stemmed from.

Are the WW's on this thread suggesting that a BH should never expect to receive the same level of desire, affection, or sexual fulfillment that was give to the OM?

Are the WW's on this thread suggesting that a BH should never expect to receive the same level of desire, affection, or sexual fulfillment that was give to the OM?

Speaking only for myself, I'm suggesting that a BH should not base what happens in his sex life on what the WW did with the OP. Not to avoid offending the sensibilities of his WW, but because a sex life comprised of comparison and one-upmanship doesn't sound very fulfilling.

Then again, I'm not a BH, so what do I know. Although I do know that my particular BH would be disgusted if (to use a generic example) I was giving him oral sex simply because I'd done so with AP and wanted to "even the score."

My BH and XAP cant be compared. .sex with my BH is fantastic and an emotional experience. ...sex with the XAP was a 2 second mistake. I know it sounds cliche but my A wasn't about the sex. There is nothing that I did with XAP that I dont do with my BH..

I certainly didnt mean for this thread to turn into the BH shouldnt have what OM had....i was just venting...sorry if it jas offended anyone.

I am going to talk to BH about changing my meds. ...maybe there is another AD that will help with my narcolepsy.