SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

is working on it in IC good enough for you? Will he post on wayward?

again hugs!

(((tg)))

This is horrible news. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Be kind to yourself. We are here for you.

I'm so sorry. I could feel my own anxiety build as I read your description of what happened.

Will he post on wayward?

Won't matter if he doesn't see he has a problem.

(((((TG))))))

I'm sorry Honey.

I am sorry to hear this, your are in my thoughts. Passing on some strength.

Was off all wknd and saw this. So sorry ((tg)). You have provided words of wisdom for many of us, including me. We are with you and will do whatever we can to help you.

What the actual FUCK!

I am so pissed I can't see.

((((TG)))))

Oh honey, the pain you must be feeling.

I wish I could give you a big hug, and give him a swift kick to the jimmies.

Take your time, and do what you need to do FOR YOU. Make YOU the priority.

(((and strength)))

((( tired girl )))

I am trying to just allow myself time to process what this means to me. I don't feel he cheated but he did engage in behavior that was damaging to our marriage. I think that is how I feel about it right now. I thought he was good with his boundaries. Learning this was hard. He and I seem to be in different places as far as what this means to our marriage and how serious it is.

I'm so hoping that both of you can get on the same page soon.

I'm so sorry, TG. This type of boundary breach is one of my fears. Not "cheating" but betrayal nonetheless. Hugs and strength to you.

To be sitting at a party and be having all the females be telling you how your H loves to make this particular female laugh is sickening.

Ugh. Just

It may not have been the most flagrant of boundary breaches, but it still flies in the face of trust and respect.

I think you saw this post months ago, but I got a butt-dial from Crazz when he was in AZ on business, and he was out to lunch chatting with a female coworker. We had VERY specific boundaries in regards to this, but he decided he had worked hard enough and is fixed and deserved to go to lunch with a woman when he damn well felt like it. The irony is that if he had asked me where we were with this I might have decided he earned enough trust.

Sorry - back to YOU. So yeah, he's probably not sticking it in her, but this smacks heavily of "When the cat's away" syndrome, and my FWH has it too.

Hugs and complete empathy, love. We're here for you.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:46 PM, August 18th (Monday)]

TG,

I think it is important he knows "why". Did he think you really would not care? Did he know you would be upset about it so he kept it from you? Does he think it wasn't crossing boundaries and why? What does he say about the fact that other COW obviously notice that he wants to make her laugh (I.e- it's noticeable)?

The why would make the difference for me.

Does he have any good answers or is he confused? If he doesn;t know, is he willing to work in IC to find out?

Take care of you! Hugs!

You know, the more I think about this, the more I'm mad at myself for how many boundary breaches I write off on the regular. This reminded me of something Ascendant said on one of Aubrie's thread about how we can kind of dupe ourselves into letting go of things that don't feel right because they weren't as egregious as the Affair.

Sometimes the answer is a shaky "I'm not so sure..." but we get mentally 'stuck' because after all, we've survived (or are surviving) infidelity, and it feels silly or defeatist to throw in the towel for anything 'smaller' than that. I'm not advocating towel-throwing or anything, just saying that I think we avoid conversations that we know the end to because, well, knowing the ending forces us to think about our reaction to it. Scary shit.

Like, is our WS capable of behaving in a manner that will make us feel secure in our relationship for the rest of our life, or is there more at work than the aftermath of the Affair, only it's less obvious so we try to rug sweep it. Regardless of our WS's response when we are hurt, we doubt ourselves. "Oh, I'm being picky. This isn't a big deal. Don't I need to work on letting go?"

But do we? Aren't there people who can make a boundary for themselves and stick to it? I'm pretty sure that exists.

I'm not saying you should be up in arms over this TG, but if you find that you are beating yourself up not to make a big deal out of this... well, is this going to be the last time you have to do it? What if he doesn't make fundamental changes - is this going to be a long road of wondering when the next "snafu" is going to send you into a tailspin that you feel obliged to pull yourself out of and reframe the infraction so that you can keep moving forward? (I'm saying this to ME too, btw.)

(((tg))),

I can't imagine being in that position. After our first d-day, I pretty much became a hermit because of the fear of running into someone who knew something about us, or M, or just my H, that I didn't know. So, I was relaying the story to Waywardson and talking about how this relates to how I became a hermit and his first question was really interesting- we're two different people and have completely different trains of thought, so he often points out things that I hadn't considered. He asked why they told you this. I had been too wrapped up in how it must have felt for you to even consider their motives. I told him that relationships with other women are often complicated and, since I wasn't there to see their faces and hear *how* they said these things, I could only guess as to their motives. It could have been that they saw this going on and felt that it was something that would make them uncomfortable in their own relationships and thought you should know, it could be that they were totally clueless... It could be a lot of things. Do you have an idea as to why they said these things?

((((TG)))) I'm so sorry. I'm glad he is going back to IC.

He needs to know for him why no alarm bells went off in his brain when he was putting thought, time, and effort into making this woman laugh. Paying particular attention to this one female coworker obviously pinged on these other female coworkers' radars so didn't he get the warning feeling (conscience) telling him this was risky behavior and a gateway drug (seeking ego kibbles by making her laugh)? If he did feel the warning what helped him to ignore it? Feeling rebellious (I'm allowed to be friendly), prideful (I'm too smart to let anything bad happen), what? I hope he's trying to figure it out.

I'm so sorry you had to endure that party and the trauma you are now dealing with. Positive thoughts and prayers for you both.

He may not have "cheated," TG, but he was in the process of "cheating." Infidelity doesn't start when the P hits the V; it starts with the second glance, the telling of secrets, the high of making someone smile/laugh, the phone call, the non-work-related text message, the seemingly innocent brush-bys or touches. My WH, a SA, has spent a lifetime perfecting those behaviors. In the SA world, it's called "grooming." Whether conscious or not, that behavior has to stop and he has to understand WHY it must stop and WHY it's so dangerous and WHY it's so hurtful. I'm not a mad-hatter expert, but a convo about it definitely has to happen. He's on a very slippery slope. So sorry! Hugs.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 2:02 PM, August 18th (Monday)]

Here's my $.02 with regard to his behavior. This is almost the same path he walked last time. Female co-workers. External validation. Putting forth the extra effort to get that validation (i.e., making her laugh) - all BIG issues, IMO. I'm sure he feels like persona non grata around here but I, for one, would very much like to hear his side of things. Mainly, why, especially after doing so much work in both MC & IC, would he even consider crossing a clear boundary????

((TG)) I'm sorry.