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LEFT!!!.................after the HB ended of course

I've gone over and over this and I still don't know how I would have handled it. My immediate response is to have caught the red flags in the beginning and not have married him but I wouldn't have my son. I think with his personality, he was always going to cheat eventually and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. STBXWH is just the type of man who is never happy with what he has. He could have been with a nymphomaniac Playboy Model who only wanted to grill him steaks every night and he probably would have still complained and cheated.

I would have divorced him. This truly destroyed me. He "seems" to have stopped, but honestly at this point, I don't care.

If i could go back.....

I wouldn't let on i knew anything. I would collect as much evidence as i could retrieve and hold onto to it. After i had enough i would confront her and demand that she confess everything or pack her bags.

Using the evidence at hand would detemine her truth scale. Anything on the lower end would result in termination of the marriage. I would then take all the gathered evidence and hand deliver it to AP spouses. Not to be vengeful but because i believe in marriage and not abuse of marriage.

I would make a blog of some type and post every sordid detail and evidence collected and make it public. Why? Because i believe there are kindred spirits like mine out there that need a trustworthy connection. Cheaters have an enormous and secretive network online. Something that the faithful do no have. It is plainly a matter of good vs. evil to me.

Support and a place to call home that honors the truth for BS. They have theirs we need ours. Among human beings that respect, cherish, and treasure a simple thing called friendship in a mad and selfish world.

Being faithful to the promise and ideal of marriage should not feel like a burden. Instead it should be a badge of honor to be worn proudly by the select few. The ones that realize the only compromise that should exist in a decent marriage are the ones agreed upon and shared between loving spouses.

I made myself a promise that I would regret nothing, and I intend to keep that promise. Looking back doesn't do me any good at this point, so why waste my time?

If you are talking about before I found out, then I would have definitely stopped her from ever having him as a friend. No texting, no talking, like it is now. As to what I did after I found out, I can honestly say nothing different as I'm glad we both decidided to stay together and make it work.

Oh my goodness, I do this to myself all the time, too much. For the purpose of learned lessons, I definitely see some. But, part of my healing is to accept that nothing I could have done would have changed my screwed-up husband; his changing is up to him. And, if I changed marrying him, I would lose out on the most beautiful children I could have ever imagined. It is so easy to devolve into the "should've, could've, would've, if only," but beyond learning a lesson to help me in the future, I cannot go there anymore.

Lessons learned:

1. Blind trust is stupid;

2. If I feel something is off, it is;

3. Don't let somebody else's ego change who you are, run the show, rule your life;

4. Find happiness and strength within yourself;

5. Don't make someone else's dreams and goals the sole basis for your dreams and goals; and

6. Marriage isn't two halves, making a whole. Marriage is two whole people coming together.

[This message edited by TigerLilyxx at 11:21 AM, February 5th (Thursday)]

TICKED OFF, we're ten years out this August and I have so often thought about this!!!

In my heart I knew adultery was a deal-breaker from the start and I am very sad that I wasted the past decade of my life R'ing with him, because it has never been the same

^^^What Crushed said.

It's been almost ten years, and while life is OK, it will never be the same as well. After D-Day, I had an epiphany and realized my husband pretty much neglected me our entire marriage. He was too involved in his career and his sport despite my pleadings about being stressed and lonely. Then I get hit with this sh*t.

My WH TT me for YEARS, he often wondered why I wasn't healing. HA!!! I'd go to counseling, take a baby step forward, another lie would be revealed, ten steps back.

I have two friends whose husbands cheated, one is divorced, the other will be divorced shortly, they have moved on with their lives enjoying the company of new friends and experiences. They are so relieved they won't have to spend the rest of their lives triggering, wondering, or being vigilant.

I like to think, knowing what I know now, that I wouldn't have cried as much. I like to think I would have simply told her "I hope that the two of you are very happy together" and thrown her shit out the front door.

I am happy I am still married, but I hate the way that I acted. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I was unable to stand up for myself when I needed it the most.

I would have kicked him out after he broke NC the first time. I would have insisted he/we stay in counseling the first time. I would have snooped more on his phone and had 2nd DD months earlier. I would have trusted my gut more and him less.

so many things

I would have gotten out years sooner. I would have trusted myself and not bought into the false notion that I needed evidence (it doesn't matter, in divorce, if there is evidence of infidelity; the only person who needed proof was me--and even that, I was wrong about. I had plenty---and even if I hadnt, the lack of connection and the warnings from my gut were enough).

Honestly? Assuming no rules as to how far back and what I could say? I would tell my H the truth. That I had seen the future and the devastation it had caused us both.

He probably wouldn't admit to it, but I think he would half believe me. I think he would approach that relationship with his eyes more opened and would protect his boundaries better. He would also be reminded of how much we love each other. He has been receptive before, when I have warned him about certain women.

Not one BS is regretting leaving their Wayward. WOW!

Sheese, reading all these posts just makes me sick to my stomach. What a waste for most of us, or so it seems.

I am like all of you….I so wish I had remained calm and gathered up solid evidence as to peresent to ow's h. This in itself would have made ow's own h (my h's best friend) see his wife for the slut she really was. Instead ow's h chose to beleive what my h had been telling them for months, that I was a bi-polar bitch and that we had a horrible marriage. I guess the ws will use almost any excuse to get free sex and flattry.

So 11 years later I have just mundane marriage, nothing more nothing less. We get along like roomies now. I could kick myself in the ass for the choice I made after the hell they put me through.

I would have done just what I did, stayed. The question I asked myself in the first few months "will I be happier with him or without him"? The answer then and now was with him. It was painful and hard but we worked through it.We love each other and are happy.

I still would leave, but MUCH sooner. Way before the false R of 8 months.

He was your classic cake eater and who knows how many 20-somethings he had on the side? He had a position of power. He took advantage of this. He treated me (his spouse) AND his children with profound disrespect.

Post divorce, through IC, I learned how absolutely consumed I was with the fear of abandonment. I could have, SHOULD have stopped the craziness MUCH sooner.

[This message edited by moonview at 9:16 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]

I wish I would have asked for a legal separation and had WH move out of the house. I would've required him to get his act together before I would even consider dating him again.

Then I would not have gone through the additional trauma that he put me through after D-Day. He would've gotten his act together on his own or not at all but I would not have been subjected to more pain.

I see so many betrayed spouses go into fix-it mode and do most of the heavy work to repair the marriage immediately after D-Day. It just builds resentment later. And it enables the wayward to do nothing.

I would have gotten mad after DDay #1, rather than letting him and our first therapist put any of the blame on me. I would have also sent her employer all the phone records of them to show just how much energy she was putting into her sales position (none).

I would have quietly packed his belongings in hefty bags, gave him 24 hours to have his race car and parts packed up and removed from my garage and told him to enjoy his life with OW.

Instead of the TT, cake eating, the whole long, stressful, agonizing two year long bull i put up with.

I would have divorced him when I first suspected he was cheating. I would not have waited under the misguided belief that I had to have solid proof. I would hire a PI just to gather evidence for court. I would have moved back to my home state while leaving him and his belongings there to enjoy life with OW and OC and filed for divorce immediately. I would not have spent 18 years doing the "pick me" dance while going crazy with his gas lighting and my suspicions.

I would have freed myself up to find someone more deserving of my time and energy.