SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So 11 years out now to this very day and I still wonder why the hell I stayed. We have a decent marriage if you can call it that what with the whore and her family still living two houses from us. So NO, it is not a very normal marriage in any sense.

My question is, months or years later, now that things have calmed down, how would you handle the situation at this time? Would you have left or stayed?

Knowing what I know now, including things that my WW never confided in me, I'd have filed for D immediately and never looked back.

On the off chance that she took that as a wake up call and tried to repair our M I may or may not have entertained the possibility. Not sure. But I really doubt that she would have so probably moot.

would not have started dating.

first red flag three previous marriages. five years three years and five years and three plus with bf just before me.

second red flag any time i told her that i liked something she did it stopped. pointing this out did NOT go well surprisingly enough.

I would go back to the day before we met and then the next day I would ignore her wink she gave me on match.com

Pay attention to my gut!!

Listen to red flags!!

Don't give excuses for something blatant.

If I had done that before I married WH, I would not have married him.

Be that as it may, I do wish I was strong enough to leave immediately and not look back.

We wish so very hard to see things that are not really there, or believe things that are said that are not backed up by actions and continue to ignore red flags in false R.

I think the aftermath of DD with TT, false R, blameshifting, gaslighting, etc can do more damage in the long run than the A itself.

I wish I would have booted him out the first time he did it and file for D on the grounds of adultery.

No, I had to do the "pick-me" dance and believed him when he said he would never do it again.

I would have divorced him when I first found out. I did file for D, but backed out after he promised it was over and we would work on our marriage. At the time I thought that was great until the next DDay and he had did nothing he promised. I still stayed with him through many DDays because I became depressed and disabled. I found SI after DDay#2 and realized I had did everything wrong. By then it was too late to save our marriage. Maybe if I had left after DDay#1 it might have woke him up and maybe not, but I would have been further down the road in my own personal healing.

Okay, this is deja vu all over again, as I have replayed and replayed it all so very many times.

I would have hefty'd as much of his stuff as would fit in his vehicle, and tell him to leave for his new life; the one he so obviously wanted to have versus the one he had with me and the kids.

Then I would have gone pitch black dark 180, cancel the credit cards, set up a new bank acct (did do that...), and take OW's highest offer for my part of the business that she saw as her golden ticket... the ticket that foreclosed and put us in the lovely financial situation we're in now. Yeah, I'd have her buy me out and then the two of them could handle all the legal fun we had over the last 10 years, while I started on a new beginning.

Now I'd handle it by having a backbone....

WaryOptimist: all of that, what you said. I wish I did that. All of it. I wish I had a backbone. I suppose if I had one, much of what happened wouldn't have.

Instead I took way too long to "get it", wayy too long crying, then begging, then lost.

Lost still, but divorcing. No other option, not really. Loved him wayyy too much to stay like this.

Well, we are in the midst of R, but I often say "I wish I had..."

...gone out to the OW's car when she had the nerve to drive to our place to demand that he end things with her in person. I would have brought my baseball with me.

...told more than just her mom, sister, best friend, and coworker. I could have gotten her fired and I should have.

...on DD#1, I should have told him to leave. I was, instead, too in shock. I didn't ask him to stay, but nor did I make him leave.

...above all else, I would have listened to my gut. It was right about everything all before I even had proof.

Which, is why I'm listening to it now. M is good. Progressing nicely. WH is a completely different person.

I would have kicked WH out after the very first broken NC not one millionth. I also would have liked to have filed for D too, but I guess i can still always do that.

I wouldn't have married STXWH#2.

I would have taken the yellow flags a lot more seriously and gotten out when I had some doubts earlier on.

"mcha"….YES YES and YES!!!

"wary"……EXACTLY. If I had just had a backbone. If I had just not wanted to WIN the prize, that being a cheating h. And I did hefty all his stuff and I threw it out into the garage. But that night he came in crying and being a stupid ass that I was, I let him stay. Now that I look back, it was such a mistake.

The one thing I blame myself for is that I didn't look hard enough at all the evidence. I didn't want to lose so I more or less ignored all the phone records which in itself told all the truths. If I could go back in time I would have walked him over to her and said "fuck you very much, have a great life together."

I should have had more of a backbone and just kicked him out on DD. Knowing what I know now I wish I would have never met him. When we first started dating there were a few things not sitting right with me. I was so young and naive. What did I know about marriage?

The more time passes, the more I'm not sure I would change anything. Recovery is such a delicate process I'm not sure changing anything would have placed me in a better position than where I'm at now. I only recommend that you consider all advise with an open mind and then select what you think fits best for you.

Filed for D immediately.

She loves the cake. Once a cheater, always at cheater (at least in her case)

I would have paid off all of the credit cards in MY name first and put a lot in my 401K during that time while he was still in Afghanistan. He had ran up both his credit cards and mine. I rarely used mine. So I got stuck with his expenses.

Now if he hadn't ran up my credit cards, I would have filed for D immediately from DD and not uttered a peep until he was served!

If I could go back in time I would have never dated him. I didn't know about his FOO issues and his secret drinking habits. I should have stayed clear.

I would have met somebody else (hopefully not as broken) and had beautiful kids with that guy.

Of course that guy could have turned out worse.

But if we are talking about going back to D-Day...I don't know...I probably would have stayed for the kids. I would definitely tried to get him off the booze right away.

[This message edited by DMS88 at 9:12 PM, February 4th (Wednesday)]

I used to think it was a funny story to tell that on our wedding night I actually asked for an annulment. He was so wasted. He is a complete ass when he drinks liquor, and I had begged him before our wedding to stick to beer. Well of course he didn't and was so pissed off when people offered to drive us to our hotel. Told me to shut up. So not only do I get to divorce a cheater, I get to divorce an alcoholic. Good thing the OW is also one too.

I would have gone hard on him with consequences from day 1. He lingered in bullshit land for years because I let him. He didn't get serious about R until I got serious about not being in true R.

3.5 years. A complete and total blur of pain and torture. Nothing good came from it and he managed to dig himself a deeper hole during that time. Years wasted.

You can't nice them back.