SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like when we would have drinks with our neighbors and she would kiss all the men at the gathering right in front of me

Roommate, it's like our wives ( my ex wife )are twins. I thought the above quote was something only my ex did, and everything else your wife said and did is just as cruel as what mine did...

When I went to counselling after we split, my counsellor said that this kissing guys in front of me was a red flag. My ex said everything yours did, but she said this stuff post separation to me, but freshly out of separation, and it hurt just as much...

She is a very cruel and apathetic woman, and although she seems so cordial and "nice" at times, it's a mask they wear. These cruel statements and actions are most likely her true persona...I don't think I would want to have her in my life anymore if I were you...

RM,

It is heartbreaking to hear your suffering once again from her choices. I agree with the other posters about moving out. I think you deserve better. I am sorry your being taken to task once again. Its just gotta be painful coming here and defending yourself all over again.

I personally think its a bias. When your cheated on every one thinks something is wrong with you and your the one blamed for the cheating. When you leave the relationship your blamed again for not being a better person. I personally think people just project there own thinking on others.

I think you have every right to question her sincerity. I personally suggest you just never question it again. She is just showing you one more time you can't trust her and your life would be better off without her in it. There is no reason you cant still work with her on a parenting level and still move on with your life.

Honestly you sound like a better guy than most. Your kids will see this and they will also know what there mother did to them and to you. They will learn from this and your the better person to teach them.

I hope your day goes better.

C

[This message edited by Curious9 at 10:44 AM, January 13th (Wednesday)]

@Deeply Scared: I apologize for the confusion. I was also referring to coloring book's thread as well where those things I stated have been said. However, it seems like that thread was locked down, so I guess the situation has been handled.

@IGBTD, Reallyscrewed, and Curious: Thanks for taking the words out of my mouth. You guys did an excellent (and eloquent) job of posting what I was trying to say. I will even add, that I don't see how what he was doing is any different than HB. In fact, the only difference that I do see is that he chose to divorce his wife first before deciding to R as opposed to staying married to her. He is still in limbo and if I recall doesn't HB occur while the BS is in limbo? From what I have seen on this site, most BS's engaging in HB are told to enjoy the ride. But again, because he chose to divorce first, he gets a different set of responses and that doesn't seem fair to me.

Bias, hypocrisy, double standard, call it what you want, but there is something going on here. As IGBTD stated, CB's actions during and post affair have been more manipulative than anything Roommate has done. Yes, she is using sex as a means to get him to R, and yet he is getting lambasted by both wayward and betrayed for her actions. More so, people are saying that he is the cruel one. And yes, the word "cruel" has been thrown around multiple times in this thread in reference to Roommate. Roommate, I do hope that you come back man. But I don't blame you if you don't.

[This message edited by jbrent890 at 10:48 AM, January 13th (Wednesday)]

Roommate

How are things?

Wow, just wow! You have endured so much for this relationship. If it were me, I would not care how sincere she was being. I don't think there's any way possible I could come back from what you have dealt with and have a relationship with someone who hurt me that way.

Honestly, she should be glad you even let her touch you. What she has done is unbelievably cruel. You are indeed a stronger person than I.

I think a lot of us wait for that moment of complete clarity in trying to make the stay/go decision.

Instead of looking for an absolute, look to see if you have "enough."

Do you have enough information/activity history to make what you feel is a good decision about staying or going?

I know you're waiting to see if she can make meaningful change, but in the interim, I see you both failing to protect yourselves. There needs to be agreed-to boundaries in any separation where there is a hope or chance of reconciliation. Things like sex, dating other people, etc., need to be discussed before the separation. Since that didn't happen, they should be discussed now. I think that's what most people here are reacting to: the lack of boundaries that can leave the other person's actions open to interpretation.

If you have enough information to land on one side of the fence or the other, why haven't you acted on that? That's something that you need to explore on your own. Fear of the unknown is not a good reason to avoid a decision you know needs to be made.

If you don't have enough information, I would strongly encourage you to set boundaries of what this separation (of sorts) is supposed to accomplish and what the ground rules are concerning sex, dating and anything else that is currently fuzzy.

Cat

Roommate, you've been hurt and humiliated beyond words. From your posts, I can feel that you are still filled with resentment, and I can really relate to that.

Do you truly want to be living together or are you doing what you think is right?

Are you living together in hopes of some revelation coming to light to give you a clear path?

It's quite evident that cohabitation is not going smoothly, for you.

What does Roommate really want?

RoomMate,

You have expressed pain and disappoint that many can identify with even if few have been in depths of suffering for such a long time.

You cannot get the time back. ColoringBook can never return what she stole from you.

Keep in mind that your limbo has an insurance policy. You are divorced and the day that you cannot go with her, she has to go. The terms of your divorce are tough on her, but in fact she should consider them a very good thing, for in them you have a clear moral judgment of her behavior. Many BS who get divorced don't have such settlements.

Dating will be hard for you, for once you sleep with another woman, the limbo will over and reconciliation will be less likely, don't you think?

Is ColoringBook staying clean? No more marijuana or alcohol?

Is she being a good parent?

bump

his story was absolutely devastating. i hope that he has moved on and is trying to re-assemble his life as best that he can

RoomMate,

I missed this thread in early January. I too was horrified by the way you were treated on the wayward forum.

Look, you are doing well. I am not sure how you are co-existing with Coloringbook after the enormous amount of abuse she put you through. However, it seems like you have a plan and are executing it well.

I am sorry that the co-worker tried to be a wayward with you. The last thing you needed. You were right to stop that in it's tracks.

Keep yourself moving in a positive direction, I am glad you found your strength. I was worried about you in your initial thread which I was active in and am pleased that you found the strength that you needed from the start.

Keep us updated. Your journey is still ongoing and recovery will take a while. We're here for you

I agree Doc

I just noticed this was bumped and wanted to provide an update. Coloringbook has moved in with her grandmother. We agreed to do this for a month. I wanted to see if I could handle 3 kids and all chores by myself and no family close by. I also wanted to see if I missed her. Also wanted to heed the advice of protecting ourselves during healing. I also wanted to see what she would do.

Its only been two weeks. I have no problem running the house. During her A and for a good bit before her A I was already doing this. I have very much been here emotionally for my children. We have had a few talks that have lasted till 11 at night comforting them and answering questions. I am having her over each Wednesday to have dinner with us. I still cry a lot. I read Gloomyfish's post of how she hurt herself and teared up real bad today, because I know her pain.

As far as if I miss Coloringbook or not. I do miss having someone to talk to. But seeing her is a constant trigger and not having her here has reduced the constant pain. I told her this and she said its because i am keeping busy and avoiding the issue and thus not healing. Maybe she is right. I do try to stay very busy and keep my mind off the A.

We don't talk every night, but we did talk last night, and perhaps this should be a new thread. I feel like I can never get over all this, so why waste my time trying? I know this was a deal breaker for me. But there is some sliver of something that makes me 95% sure I am done forever. She challenged me to figure out what that 5% is. I have been meditating on it and can't put my finger on it yet.

I know this was just a ramble, but that's where I am at.

Roommate

Good to hear from you Roommate! Let me know if there's anything you wanna talk about.

I know all about taking care of 3 kids by myself, so that stuff can get frustrated until you decide to give up on wanting to do anything by yourself for yourself. Once you give it up and just focus on them, it's easy. It's just resisting the urge to say 'I need time to myself' that's the hard part for me.

LongWalk

As far as I know she is abstaining from drugs and not over indulging in alcohol. She went from a mom that would drug her kids with benadryl so they wouldn't bother her to a great mom. Sometimes she is too good of a mom and is remotely micromanaging my house hold and handling issues I have already handled with the kids. But I can't blame her too much, she just appreciates them now and wants to show me.

Notthevictem

I love the comic relief your comments provide. How do you fight the loneliness? Its very tempting just to invite Coloringbook over, because she is my only friend. (I have made a new male friend, and we play a pen and paper game with the kids. They love it, and so do I. But that is once every other week.)

[This message edited by RoomMate at 2:10 PM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

How do you fight the loneliness?

Hell, my ww requires more attention than the kids do. It's a weird thing to watch her try to compete with the kids for my attention. So as far as loneliness, I actually love the time I have to myself on the rare moments I get it. Not that I would trade the time with the kids for it. But yeah, a good book, journaling, watching tv shows that I know ww wouldn't want to watch and are too old for the kids (i.e. southpark, archer, etc). Plus I'm on here making bad jokes way too much, lol.

And she can't be your only friend man. Did you have some in HS? College? Where are they at?

I always hated all the time my WW poured into facebook. So I have abstained from social media and therefore not kept in contact with anyone. I workout every other day (gym is in my garage) and keep super busy with house work. I play lots of games with the kids so I guess no reason to be lonely. Besides, its only been two weeks! I suppose I have lots of friends I don't talk to on here, I read everyone's journey on SI and root for all of you to find happiness.

oh, I forgot something--when you go to sleep where sweats for a while. You body probably got used to the body heat from being next to ww. it needs time to adjust to that.

As far as if I miss Coloringbook or not. I do miss having someone to talk to. But seeing her is a constant trigger and not having her here has reduced the constant pain. I told her this and she said its because i am keeping busy and avoiding the issue and thus not healing. Maybe she is right. I do try to stay very busy and keep my mind off the A.

This is perfectly normal.

Human are social animals; we desire interaction with other (adult) humans. I don't really think you are avoiding the issue, you are exploring it - the issue of: are you better off without CB.

I'm guessing that you've got a bit (or a lot?) of codependency issues since your life was so wrapped up in your kids/WW/family. (I've BTDT) But you said you are doing other activities - working out, cooking, etc. I would recommend getting with clubs/groups/classes that you have the same interests in to broaden your social base.

You're not trying to date here. Far from it. All you are doing is trying to understand what life without WW would look like; that it won't be some horrible disaster. That you'll have friends, and that life will go on. Without the constant reminder of the pain that was inflicted on you. That you can be happy again.

Having CB move out is a crucial part of this. As long as she is still living there, you'll never start to break free.

And note this - you NEED to see what life will be like without her. That it will be OK. This is for YOU to heal. Only once you heal, can you then really make the decision of if you want to restart a relationship with CB.

Good luck.

[You may want to post this in New Beginnings, because that is what you are doing - starting a new beginning.]

she said its because i am keeping busy and avoiding the issue and thus not healing.

She's NOT your therapist.

She cannot help you heal at this time.

Do not let her counsel you. She has got a lot at stake, and therefore will say anything to keep you unbalanced.

Sounds like you made a terrific decision to take a month. You are finding your own path to healing. Good for you.