SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As of 12/15/15 I got D. Her two year affair and subsequent two and a half years of false R were too much for me. We still live together. I am not actively seeking reconciliation, merely observing her changes and seeing if we are worth devoting the years of hard work R truly takes. I have been working on myself through many books and reclaiming activities that bring me happiness such as: working out, playing games with my children, bike riding with my children, and cooking. I still cry frequently on my long ride home from work as mysteries from the past click into place with the realities I now know. I still shake with anxiety when I lay down to sleep each night or any time I have idle time to think. I have had very few friends over the years. My XW would hit on them or outright kiss them and ignore me while they were around. So I always found it less painful and healthier to be content with my three children as my only friends. Through work on myself I am no longer a man that keeps his head down and shy’s away from conversation with others. I carry myself confidently. An exercise in one of my books is to find a male friend, I have just began cultivating my first friendship since my last dday.

Since D I have entertained the idea of dating. A female coworker asked me to go xmas shopping with her. A date. I declined. If I wanted to be dating I could be. I told my XW about the invitation. Yes, I want her to know she is not the only option in life. That a young and attractive woman finds me, the monster, interesting. But this all had a different unexpected result. It took me a week of meditation to piece it together.

She spoke of how we still have sex. What she failed to mention is that after I posted about that on here months back, I began to decline her advances. And told her it is not making love it is just sex and I did not want to confuse her. She then told me she is under no illusion and that we are both adults and have needs. I was denied sex for years. I now know why. During her A, two minutes into sex she would fall asleep and start snoring loudly. I kid you not. Pre A we had a great and happy sex life despite me having to initiate every time. She comes on here and makes it seem that I am using her for sex. She fails to mention that she initiates 99% of the time. As one who has been denied for so long and never been initiated on, how is it using her if I let her do it? I am often sound asleep and wake to her groping me. Never in 17 years did she make advances like that. But I am using her. (sarcasm)

She made it seem as if I am a shlub she has to cook and clean for while I sit on the couch and do nothing. One of my favorite things to do is cook. I do just as much work around here as her. Shall I mention that she took two years off of house work during her A. I am quite capable of doing all the house work including attending to the needs of my children. How do I know? I did it for those two years. Deep in her fog she begged me to “find a good girl to help me cook and clean, to help take care of the children and tell them their prayers at night and tuck them in.” That’s right OM was more important than her children.

She says that I forced her in to a settlement where only I have the children and if she leaves she will never see them. In reality we have a parenting plan that is very similar to the one my brother has with his daughter. We sat down and worked it out together. Yes they are with me more. She signed court papers documenting that she was able to abandon them and completely detach for two years. Those papers document her past drug and alcohol abuse and confirm that I am the safer option. To her credit she is in IC and attended a couple of AA meetings.

In the past, she would make me a villain to justify her deeds. It’s how she justified her A. When she did not have the time for our kids, rather than work on that relationship by spending time with them, she would use every opportunity to put me down in front of them. Hoping that if they could see how bad I was and love her more. It’s more than her pattern. Her whole family uses it. Her sister is cheating on her husband right now, justifying it by saying he cheated first (untrue). Her other sister justified ripping a family apart by being OW by vilifying the BS. Her mom is also an xww.

Here is what I think. Once dating was mentioned my xw thought “oh shit, he may not chose me, and I may have to live with the consequences of my A”. I think that my xw is once again attempting to vilify me to restructure the agreements in place. I spoke to her about this. She said I cannot expect her to change overnight. That she is working to root out this thinking. But as I sit back and watch who she will be, and if we are worth the work, I now begin to question the sincerity of all she has done.

I now begin to question the sincerity of all she has done.

As you should.

Watch her actions carefully. From everything you've just written, it sounds like there are some deep FOO issues in play and, based on the rest of her family, that sincerity only goes as deep as "What is in it for me?"

I have had very few friends over the years.

Children are wonderful. However, part of raising them well is to teach them to be fully mature and independent which means that they will leave and the relationship will change. They will remain a uniquely connected, but won't be available as much as they are now.

I'd encourage you to kindle friendships again. You are currently uncertain of how things will play out with your EX and you do know that the kids won't be around forever. Friendships can bring an added depth to life. You've begun to add activities back into your life that you enjoy, so add this to your list.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 11:14 AM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

RoomMate,

I am a former cheating spouse. My husband divorced me and we were completely apart for 2 years before reconciling, by way of background.

Leaving aside the he said-she said aspect of the sex----can you see how it may be confusing for a WW who wants R and looks at it as more than "just sex"?

I'm not at all saying either of you are using the other or that it's not a good idea---I think whatever works/worked for you is great. I'm just asking if you can see the possibility that it's reasonable things might get muddled in her mind.

roommate...so glad you've come around for an update. Yeah. I was in that thread. Totally different perspective now. Wow. Thanks.

You know I'm rooting for you man. I am.

Good luck!!

Would it be possible for you to sleep apart and not have sex? Living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, having sex, regardless who initiates, sounds like a committed relationship. That you're doing it while thinking about dating sounds odd (kinda wayward.) i can't imagine anyone worth dating would want to date you if you were upfront about your circumstances. If you're considering R, live like it. Since you're divorced and considering dating others, why don't you live apart and really learn what that means for you both? You can still explore getting back together, but you'll both have a clearer view of it.

Great post, Questioningall!

I read her thread. I didn't read it as you using her. I felt that she was trying but was very misguided. Quiet honesty for me the fact your still sleeping in the same bed, leads to the confusion. Your D. would seem to say the marriage is over but sleeping in the same bed confuses it.

Going to AA a couple of times does not help the situation. If she is sincere about her soberiety she needs to be going consistently.

What she said about sex didn't really matter to me. I always tell my fwh that the accident happened one way from your view and another from mine and that the truth is in the middle. I learned I need him to tell me what he thinks is true and what is not. Otherwise I don't get his view.

I don't think you've been using her for sex,either. You have been very honest with her. If she chooses to hope having sex will change your mind, that's on her.

She is responsible for her choices, just as you are. The difference here..Is that you've been upfront with her from the beginning.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:36 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

Questioningall

Very good advice. I am extremely new to this. The beauty of this site is all the others that have been in the very shoes that you find yourself in. I will continue to examine my feelings and try to figure out exactly where I am. In the end I just want to be happy and for my children to be happy. With out doing something I will later regret along the way.

I just reread a post your XW made in waywards...in it she states that the coworker who asked you out Xmas shopping left her husband for you. And that you declined the invite but were maybe going out New Years Day. Sounds like a lot of manipulation on both your parts. If your D was final last month but you're still living together and having sex - is the goal to eventually R? Because sounds like the two of you are playing games.

I wanted to make sure I mention that she is "doing the work". She continues to make progress on being a great mom. She is always there for me even if at times i don't want her to be. She puts up with the random painful memories I piece together. I just want to make sure its sincere. So I am content for now to just monitor behavior and not rush one way or the other. I find myself yearning for happiness and at times feel I'll never find it.

Marie2792

Its true. I believe the timing of my coworkers separation was too coincidental. She knew I wouldn't talk to a married woman. So I think she embellished her situation to me to appear available. I obviously spent time talking to her to make that assumption. But in the end, it never happened.

Our goal is not R. It is simply happiness. I still don't know what road will lead to it.

[This message edited by RoomMate at 1:17 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

Thanks for clarifying. It also seems like your WW is trying to clarify her previous postings as well. Probably not be best idea for you both to be in a sexual relationship if she has hopes of R and you are on the fence. Yes she cheated and you are no longer married but won't it be harder to R if you're admitting to emotionless sex now when for so long it wasn't that way?

Wishing you both luck as you navigate these waters. It cannot be easy on either of you.

For what it's worth, I view your exWW's posts as a sincere attempt to move in the right direction.

There are posts by waywards that are clear attempts to manipulate their BS directly or through community pressure. I don't view hers that way.

Miscommunication occurs even in healthy relationships.

Hi. It's always nice when people take time to give us an update, you never know when it might help not only you, but someone else in their own situation.

I have a couple of questions, if you don't mind?

1. Are you in IC? I hope you are, you deserve professional help to help you cope with all this.

2. How are the kids doing? Are they in counselling?

3. Have I understood your XW's post correctly that another girl left her husband to be with you? I hope I misunderstood.

I hope you'll post more often so we can continue to help you! Best wishes

I have not read any of your WW's posts, but this whole situation just seems confusing to me. I don't see how your WW could not read something into your continued sexual interactions. Even if I tried to tell myself that it was nothing more than sex, a physical need, I would still think it meant something to be intimate with my H. As long as he kept responding and participating, I would take it as a sign. We have been married for 18 years, it can never NOT mean something. If he had no real intentions for me, why would he continue to participate? No matter who initiates, if it's not meaningful, why do it? There's just too many years of marriage and having kids together for it to be "just" sex. I am not a WW and am new at dealing with a WH so please take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Why is it his concern if his EX-wife "reads something" into continued sex that she initiates? Seriously? I get that he was bashed left, right and sideways over in the wayward wife forum. But he does NOT deserve that here.

There is a world of difference in suggesting that he detach from his xWW for his healing and the back-handed inferences that he is doing something wrong taking what is offered when he was denied for so very long.

Roommate - I am sorry things are still a struggle. Your story is painful to read.

Strength and blessings to you.

I hope I did not come across as "bashing" RoomMate because I would never want to do that, especially to a BS. I was just trying to explain why she may read more into his participation. No, I do not think he's responsible for her inferences. We are all responsible for our feelings and actions. My own WH can only make me feel the way I allow him to.

And I wholeheartedly agree that RM may need to detach in order to further his own healing and path to happiness.

Roommate,

I'm not surprised about the treatment you received in the wayward forum. Sadly, I have come to accept that when it comes to infidelity, whether a man cheats or not, he is made out to be the villain (just my opinion). Quite honestly, I have seen this occur in multiple infidelity forums. Heck, there is another thread there in which another BH is getting the third degree. As I usually say "it is what it is." Let me be the first to apologize for that and tell you that you did not deserve ANY of the things said about you. I really do hope that the posters that were bashing you either in this thread or through PM apologize to you because some of the things said were flat out harsh.

I always think it's cruel to be sexual/intimate with someone who has emotions invested in the act and the other doesn't - even if that is stated up front. That's in any situation - infidelity or not. It's mean and it's taking advantage. If you have needs - masturbate.

I've never liked seeing intentional cruelty from a bs, once the ws is showing remorse. 180 - yes but not cruelty - after being on the receiving end of it, we should know better. If we can't see that - then IC is a must.

It looks like a lot of game playing to me. You were considering dating a woman who received enough from you to leave her husband. How long were those lines crossed? Did you feel any empathy for her husband?

Infidelity can really mess you up. If it's leaving you so broken that you are crapping on your own integrity, then therapy is a must. You owe it to yourself and your kids to take care of your emotional health - after all, we have front row seats to the consequences when a spouse is broken...