SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For that reason maybe me being the one to tell her makes more sense so I will give that more thought.

Sooner or later his wife is going to find out. And she possibly will be rather angry at you for knowing all of this time and not telling her.

Would you be mad is some friend of yours knew about your wife's affair and never told you. Probably.

A meeting w/ the OM may seem cathartic, right now, but know that these meetings rarely (if ever) give the BH what he hopes for out of the meeting, and rarely does it go as imagined.

I'm just talking about what I've seen here in my last 15 mos.

Do tell the OBW, though. Do.

You're getting pretty good advice here. I don't know what the heck it is about schools, but there have been quite a few A's reported here between teachers & etc.

You really can't worry too much about the financial aspect of this. Money is just money. Saving your sanity it so much more important. The damage has been done, and if money falls, well, that's just a consequence. Making decisions based on monetary expectations, at this stage, is misplaced. We've seen it here before. Fundamentals matter more than money right now.

As another good poster said, please do read around in the "Healing Library" as much as you can. There's gold in them thar hills.

Keep posting, Frk. We're here to help; we have experience, and we care.

She may report her husband and my wife to the higher-ups and that could get my wife fired. That's bad for me and my kids financially. Plus, why take him off the hook and do his dirty work for him.

Or....she will go ahead and get an attorney herself, file the divorce anyway because she has decided to run off with the OM. Either scenario, you are financially fucked. So to re-post what doggiediva said -

Please make the big and small steps necessary, so that you will ( always ) be in the position to walk away from the marriage without having the worry of being financially destitute in your old age..

Divorce from very long term marriages has that uncanny ability to put one or both spouses into instant and debilitating poverty.

Keep seperate bank accounts..No joint credit cards..

If you R you might be married to your WW for at least a few more years..Maybe even a decade..Or more..

Since your WW is already a proven cheater , do some divorce planning....Take away her ability to pull the rug out from all areas of your life.. We BS's tend to do this as a way to protect ourselves..Some of us do it for life

One major (pragmatic/practical) goal might be to take away or minimize your WW's ability to make claims on your future earnings, especially at retirement..

To R you might want to require that the WW has to keep her job..And build her own retirement savings..Stay self supporting..So that a divorce has the two of you walking away from each other on equal footing vs one spouse taking the other to the cleaners..

Many paths out of this shit storm involve careful thought, being proactive for one's future, and not trusting the WS any more than one would trust a snake..

Your number one priority right now is not to R or D, but to get you AND your three kids out of infidelity. That includes the steps above. That means getting leverage for yourself to do what is necessary to support yourself and possibly your kids WITHOUT your WW. Do you have friends and family nearby that can help you with the logistics of taking kids to/from school or daycare? Start building that network of support if you can. What kind of services can you get from your work? Start planning on how to be a single parent.

As for telling the OBS, I was an OBS in my situation so I would tell you that you need to tell. It isn't about revenge. It's about giving the OBS a chance to what she/he needs to do to get out of infidelity as well. Now, when to tell is up to you. You should definitely consult with your attorney first before doing that one on your own ONLY if doing so may impact your own D case. If not, I wouldn't wait. The OBS will be interested in alimony and CS and the OM's means to pay for it. Once that gets discussed between OBS and OM, the OM in a majority of situations thinks all the legal ramifications as a result of the A is not worth continuing it. WW, meet the underside of a bus.

What is especially important right now is that you take ACTIONS rather than make threats of them. Talking to the OM will not help the situation at all. If you show up at his school or any school facility, he gets to set the stage, call security, and you fall right into his script that you are the jealous, abusive, nut of a husband coming the physically do harm. And before you tell us "I know this guy..." ask yourself if you also knew he was going to take liberties with your WW. You want to scare the shit out of him? Stay silent, but act to work behind the scenes to take care of you and your kids. If he knows now the YOU know, trust me he is already sweating the possibility of having his career fucked over by this affair when it gets exposed. You taking to him face to face let's him gauge you and what you are up to. It gives him access to manipulate you. He can't threaten you if he can't communicate to you. If he hears you have an attorney, he's going to sweat about the potential possibility of getting subpoenaed to your D case.

Her parents already know she's been unhappy for a while and was close to divorcing me anyway. According to her they have consistently taken my side and tried to convince her she's being ridiculous. She claims that she and her sister are now barely talking b/c of it.

My XW is a teacher as well. Her greatest fear was that her shit got out in the district to tarnish that long earned reputation she had among the parents, and her peers. I guarantee you that other staff already know. If you don't expose them, or the OBS expose them, someone who doesn't see "eye to eye" with either your WW or the OM might expose them.

My XW's sister didn't want anything to do with her either, and she was a retired family law attorney. One of the text messages sent between my XW and the OM was her strategy to ask her sister to represent her "pro bono". I'm glad her sister thought my XW's affair was too disgusting to go near because her sister is a VERY good attorney. I also got the backing of the in-laws. All good and well, except they helped my XW move out of the house. Just remember, blood is thicker than water no matter how much your in-laws disagree with your WW.

My XW's sister didn't want anything to do with her either, and she was a retired family law attorney. One of the text messages sent between my XW and the OM was her strategy to ask her sister to represent her "pro bono". I'm glad her sister thought my XW's affair was too disgusting to go near because her sister is a VERY good attorney. I also got the backing of the in-laws. All good and well, except they helped my XW move out of the house. Just remember, blood is thicker than water no matter how much your in-laws disagree with your WW.

I have no doubt her parents and family will ultimately support her - but that doesn't mean they will be anti-me. For my kids' sake I do want to maintain a healthy relationship with them at least. They are good people who have been through a lot of other stuff I won't get into here.

Frk963: You are getting a lot of good advice here, perhaps too much to absorb in this short period of time

Can I suggest that you do not visit POSOM tonight but give the views and comments made by all the posters in your thread a while to sink in

Perhaps re-read some of the more informative posts tomorrow and reassess?

I think letting the OM stew over what you are going to do would be much more effective than anything you hope would be an outcome of meeting with him tonight. Unknowns eat cheaters alive. And he and your wife deserve to have a lot of unknowns.

I wouldn't be telling your wife anything either.

Don't meet with OM tonight or any other night. But let your wife know that she take a family medical leave immediately, and get transferred to another school by next school year that is not in the same district would be the condition of recovery or amicable divorce. She is not to be in the same building, district, administration with OM ever again, starting today. If that's too tough, she can move out immediately, sans kids.

A lot to chew on here. Maybe I'll at least put it off for now. The meeting with the OM that is.

[This message edited by Frk963 at 11:24 AM, March 8th (Tuesday)]

"Don't ask the question until you realize you can't control the answer."

Those are words I try to live by and impart to others. Too often we ask questions expecting/hoping/needing a specific answer.

I fear the same may be true for your meeting with OM. Realistically what benefit will it have for you? What do you hope leave with after meeting OM?

Now...what if you don't get it?

You may understand intellectually you may not get what you want. What if it goes a completely different direction?

There are a million ways meeting OM can go wrong and not just during the meeting itself. It can always come back to bite you later.

Please trust us. Everyone who has posted has been there, done that in one form or another. This is SI with 40K+ members. The titles may be different but we've seen this movie before. We know how it ends 98% of the time. What about the other 2%? Most of the time that 2% ended much worse. I honestly can't remember things going the BS way when they don't take care of themselves first.

Your WW may never want R. By your own account the M was on the rocks prior to the A. Why did she talk about trying to save it? Cynically speaking I'd say it was to make herself look better. To be the one wearing the white hat who "tried to make it work". Optimistically she had a twinge of guilt/conscience and acted on it. Even in that optimistic scenario she didn't go all in on rebuilding the M.

When a person buys a lottery ticket they are hoping they will be the one who wins. Otherwise why buy the ticket in the first place? Except no one signs mortgages and car leases based on that hope. You hope your WW will realize what she's doing and give the M a real chance. Except you can't plan based on that. You have to plan based on the wife you have now and that wife is keeping you dangling hoping OM will be her rescuer.

Now let's assume for a moment the OM dumps your WW and does everything he can to protect himself. Trust me that's not a stretch. If your WW comes back to in that scenario it will not be because she chose you. It will be because she was rejected. It will be regret not remorse driving her actions.

I found a forum (not SI) when I searching for anything on infidelity just before I separated from my xww. On this forum was post after post of WW's who left their BH for the OM who was still with his BW. They divorced to become a single OW. Even the ones dumped by the OM still went through with D and never told their BH about the A. There were several stories like that, so much so I kind of lost count. Had you not caught your WW this would likely be your story too.

There are no absolutes here.

Is it possible your WW will pull her head out of her arse?

Yes, but as we've seen here time and again it isn't likely.

Unlikely isn't absolute.

What you need to accept is that this not working out the way you want/hope is absolutely possible.

Ok, so here's how I envision the one-sided conversation going. Some of you seem to think I'm going to be nice to him:

I have no interest in anything you have to say.

I doubt any of this will impact you.

I'm more upset with my wife than with you (she took the vow)

But I'm not some random schmuck to you either

I considered you a friend

I had you in my home

Mother-in-law used to say you were "after" WW when you took such an interest in her career.

I always defended you.

Remember how you used to act like the district superintendent was "disgusting" b/c he cheated on his wife? You're no better than him.

I don't know if I will see you again

Maybe I'll have to fake being civil, esp. if my kids are around.

But don't ever forget what I really think of you.

Now get out.

[This message edited by Frk963 at 11:44 AM, March 8th (Tuesday)]

I think the energy would be better served telling OM's wife rather than talking to OM.

he probably already has spun a story that you are some crazy jealous husband to his wife.

I hope you saved the proof.

I doubt that they would get fired if it came out

[This message edited by convert at 11:58 AM, March 8th (Tuesday)]

FRK

See para. 1 above. She said it's "over" but she's in love with him. Sounds like they just stopped so they wouldn't get caught and plan to pick up again.

Obviously it can't be OVER if you believe what you just wrote. Read my threads and the FIRST and most accurate advice I got here, regardless of what you think of the rest, was to tell the wife on the OM.

You are making a BIG mistake talking to him. He does not give a shit that you were nice to him. He does not give a shit that he was in your house. And he is going to take that communication you just wrote as a sign of how weak you are. He, in your own words, has not intention of not trying to bang your wife some more.

You might feel a little better TEMPORARILY, but you stated the real problem. You are getting no where with your wife.

Your second problem is how do you know it is over??? Because she said so at the same time she told you she loves him.???

I am telling you the quickest way for that love for him to dissipate is for him to throw her under the bus when he starts to scurry around trying to save his own ass and marriage.

Right now, she does not believe that you are going to do anything but wait it out and hope she stops cheating, which again you said you believe she has no intention of doing.

This has nothing to do with divorce or reconciliation yet. You cannot do either properly without knowing the truth about what she is and is not doing, and since she is not going to tell you, you need a VAR in her car and a GPS on it. You will get your answers in less than a few days for less than $100.

They work together. She will spend 8-10 hours a day with or around him, and she is telling you she loves him. She also needs divorce papers in her hand, or at least knowing you are seeing an attorney.

Until she actually believes that you are not going to sit there and do the "pick me dance", she has no reason to change her behavior.

I think the energy would be better served telling OM's wife rather than talking to OM.

he probably already has spun a story that you are some crazy jealous husband to his wife.

I hope you saved the proof

Oh, I saved the proof. It's not going to matter what he tries to tell her or how he spins it once she sees the emails.

I told my wife I was not planning to tell his wife -- before I'd really thought this through fully. If I choose to go nuclear I'm set up pretty well since they won't expect it.

Obviously it can't be OVER if you believe what you just wrote. Read my threads and the FIRST and most accurate advice I got here, regardless of what you think of the rest, was to tell the wife on the OM.

Obviously I know it's not really over which is why I put "over" in quotes.

Frk963,

I never thought you were going to be nice to him.

You're anticipating a one-sided conversation.

Maybe you'll get exactly that.

However, please bear this in mind.

The A could get him fired. If you know that then he certainly knows that. So you're a threat to OM just based on the knowledge you have in your head. Everything you stated about him is valid and perhaps even an understatement, so you certainly have motivation to hurt him in some fashion (professionally or physically).

Wouldn't that make any person a little...actually a lot afraid?

Fearful people do desperate things.

You have asked for this meeting. If anything goes really, really wrong during this meeting then the blame could laid at your feet. I'm referring to legally. You sought out the meeting which could be viewed as somehow initiating a confrontation.

What I'm saying is that what you hope to get out if it just isn't the worth risk to you. Bottom line this puts you at risk. A lot of potential risk for a reward that may seem very important now, but in 6-12 months may seem worthless. So please cancel that meeting and give it some time.

p.s. We've also seen WW come to the defense of the OM when confronted, no matter calmly and rationally, by their BH. No kidding. You could VAR the conversation. It could be a tense but peaceful exchange and then the OM goes and cries about how terrified he was to your WW. Yeah, that's happened before.

I don't care about the OM.

I don't care about your WW.

As someone who has been where you are I care about the pain you're going through. I know...all of us here...know it only too well.

I would be telling myself the same kind of thing if I could go back in time. We all would.

None of us can do that though.

The best we can hope for is to be the warning for someone else.

The problem is that you are looking at this from the point of view of someone with a moral compass. It this guy "won you over to the point of you defending him..." this meeting is going to do more damage then good. He will convince you not to tell his wife. Your talk sounds more to me like a "I'm disappointed in you.." speech you would give a teenager that came in late...Not a guy that was F___ing your wife. Sounds like you are trying to make him feel guilty and behave....remember this is a guy with no moral compass.

I'm not some random schmuck to you either

I considered you a friend,I had you in my home.

Mother-in-law used to say you were "after" WW when you took such an interest in her career.

I always defended you.

Remember how you used to act like the district superintendent was "disgusting" b/c he cheated on his wife? You're no better than him.

Basically he is going to hear your speech tell you he is sorry and it was a mistake and say things that will make it hard for you to tell his wife.

i'd consult a lawyer, ASAP, and have divorce papers drawn up pronto.

Protect yourself

i'd also out the AP to their OBS, and insure that you have the evidence to back it up

I have no interest in anything you have to say.

I doubt any of this will impact you.

I'm more upset with my wife than with you (she took the vow)

But I'm not some random schmuck to you either

I considered you a friend

I had you in my home

Mother-in-law used to say you were "after" WW when you took such an interest in her career.

I always defended you.

Remember how you used to act like the district superintendent was "disgusting" b/c he cheated on his wife? You're no better than him.

I don't know if I will see you again

Maybe I'll have to fake being civil, esp. if my kids are around.

But don't ever forget what I really think of you.

Now get out.

His response: I fucked your wife.

Look, you aren't married to the OM. You are married to your WW. You didn't make vows to OM, your WW made them to you. He's just dog shit on your shoe. Smelly and messy, but really has nothing to do with you and WW.

What do you think his response will be? You're right! I shouldn't have done that!

Clearly he didn't care before and won't care now.

What you are trying to do (without saying it) is blackmail him - stay away from my W or I'll tell your boss and OM's W.

It won't work for you.

You cannot do either properly without knowing the truth about what she is and is not doing, and since she is not going to tell you, you need a VAR in her car and a GPS on it. You will get your answers in less than a few days for less than $100.

This just seems like a bit much, and the VAR is illegal where I live anyway. Instead I'm going to assume nothing she says is the truth, and that it's not really over, and operate accordingly.

They work together. She will spend 8-10 hours a day with or around him, and she is telling you she loves him. She also needs divorce papers in her hand, or at least knowing you are seeing an attorney.

Most likely nothing will change her mind but I agree divorce papers are the next step once my ducks are in a row. She knows I've seen one. I'll talk to my lawyer about optimal timing. If she wants to try to reconcile before the divorce is final ... I guess I can decide then.

Basically he is going to hear your speech tell you he is sorry and it was a mistake and say things that will make it hard for you to tell his wife.

I doubt he'd give me any second thoughts about telling his wife.

But I am starting to see some possible value in putting this off.

By the way, thanks so much to everyone who has posted responses.