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Wow this is an amazing thread. Walloped, you have come such a long way, as has your wife.

I'm coming upon my four year antiversay and man it is so much better now. There is hope, my friend. So much of what you are going through is normal.

However, you want to feel better, and that's normal too. I also will stress how much better exercise, especially outside, can make you feel. I would enlist a buddy to basically nag you to go hiking or whatever you enjoy. Or sign up with a personal trainer/drill Sargent. Take control of what you can control--your health.

Also, when I felt disconnected from my husband in those first years I would do something nice for him--make him a treat, make dinner reservations, offer him a massage. I have since read the science on this and it does work--we feel better about someone when we are giving to them. And what could it hurt? She's knocking herself out.

After all these years it's become easier for me to see that we are all flawed human beings and all we can do is the best we can today. But at one year out that was still a bitter pill to swallow.

Best to you.

I think what you're going through is normal. I certainly went through what you appear to be going through when I was a year out.

Why? I don't know. I think the posts that Owl made and others are very insightful. I don't know if you are Romantic and need great motivations in your life. I do believe that you had her on a pedestal. If you read the card you gave her for your 25th anniversary again, I think you will agree.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being idealistic. It's good to believe in things and strive for things. But as you have learned, as have I, we live in the real world. I think it's important we be realistic about our partners as well. They're not some beautiful, idealized version of "woman." they're human. Just as we are.

I don't think this realization necessarily means you forgive, forget and R. You can just as easily recognize that you can't get over this and want to be single, or someday try someone new that hasn't cheated on you.

there was a post once by WAL (I'm sure you remember him) that I thought was on point about this issue. He said that whatever you decide ultimately becomes the right decision because you don't have any data about the other option that you failed to choose. What I'm saying is that if it is in your nature to be happy, you will ultimately become happy regardless of your choice. Unless of course you choose to R and your wife is not remorseful. But I don't think that is your problem. I think your wife is Remorseful and you're just not particularly happy at the moment. I think it's understandable. It takes time. But one way or another, you will get over it, unless you have some sort of mental disorder yourself in which you are compelled to relive the past.

take care of yourself. Be grateful. Counting my blessings helped me. I think it can help you. You have a lot to be thankful for. But give it time. 2 - 5 years sounds about right to me.

Great post by Owl. We invest so much in our life story, and it only takes one bad chapter to ruin a book, if that is what you are doing...writing a book with your life.

Walloped, given that you will never forget the A, and that it will pop into your mind at random times triggered or otherwise for the rest of your life, what sort of relationship with that memory can you envision is sustainable? What sort of relationship with your wife? I am talking years out, and even decades out.

The relationship you had is gone. What would you like to replace it with? What would be a best hope for it? Worst case? Most likely?

A thought...you thought you knew your wife. You didn't. Doesn't necessarily mean you were wrong. It may mean she is unknowable. In that noggin of hers is a universe every bit as complex as the one you realize, but different from yours. I think it is an uncrossable void. We build models of our mates in our head, but the model is wrong. Not enough data, we will in the blanks, the fill-ins contain our biases, and they are wrong.

I am continually surprised that relationships work at all, and it keeps my wife fascinating and new. I take nothing for granted and watch her with open eyes.

Keep fighting!

Hi Walloped,

Thank you for your post. So many similarities between our stories, and I'm so appreciative for you sharing.

Like you, I'm (just about) at the 1 year mark - it's this Weds (8/10). We will be at our 25 yr. wedding anniversary this Dec. Like you, I had my WH on a pedestal big-time... also felt my M was Special & Different. I really appreciate Owl's post, it has caused me to think a LOT about my situation and the (possible) differences between my view & my WH's view of our M.

Another aspect that I found esp interesting was the Holocaust connection and the impact it had on your in-laws and thus, your wife; my WH's mo. also was a Holocaust survivor and is quite damaged as a result. One book that was very helpful in dealing with being an adult child of a narcissist (which is my WH's situation) is called "Children of the Self-absorbed". It sounds like your wife's parents are more on the 'destructive narcissist' side of the continuum, rather than the more garden variety type of narcissists... a much bigger impact for sure. But it's something my WH still struggles with to this day, and this book was really helpful in allowing me to understand how it impacted him, and also, for him in understanding it for himself (along with strategies for being able to maintain some kind of relationship w/ even very difficult parents).

I don't have any great words of advice being no further along than you but I wanted to let you know that your post really resonated on such a huge level for me. I feel like I'm very much where you're at - still so angry, still so sad, hurt, grieving etc, despite the efforts of my WH. Feeling like I'm empty inside with no desire to do anything anymore. I thought by the 1 year mark that would start to shift. But I have zero interest in my previous activities or with new ones, for the most part. The word I've used to describe it is wasteland.

Sending healing energy to you as you embark on year 2. Like you, I know I need to work on my own healing but the real how of that has yet to fully reveal itself. I take heart in all the good people here on SI who have found the path and wish you the best.

Walloped,

You and I are on similar timelines. You know my story and I know yours. We've lived somewhat similar lives before DDay in that our identities came from our family first. We've gone completely different paths since DDay. While I attempted to R, I couldn't. You are attempting R with someone who was is remorseful. That's a huge leg up over what I had.

I can't say that I'm happily divorced. There is no way I could say I would be unhappy in R. I don't think there is a sure route to happiness after DDay. R or D.

I do have days where I miss having that one person and my family always there. Then there are other times I love the silence and being able to do whatever I want.

I think you're doing the right thing though. Maybe it won't work in the end. Does it matter? At least you gave it a shot. That's more than I can really say.

The dating world is messed up. I'm not going to say dating sucks, but there are mostly broken people out there. You have a broken person at home but you devil that's there. She's working on herself. That's more that can be said about most of the people I've met. I'm single less than a year and I have less issues than most of the people I meet.

I'm not trying to scare you to stay. That's a decision you have to make on your own and in your own time. Maybe the affair was a deal breaker. What's the rush though? You're married, you have kids. You're not rushing to do those things.

Take time out for yourself again. I remember when you first found out, you were taking trips all over. Do that again. Maybe do that every year around affair season. Recharge your batteries.

MAKE yourself do it at first. Then you'll WANT to do it. You're in your own head. Get out of it. Stop overthinking. You're a doer at work right? Be a doer at home.

You're a very smart man, which is why you have to be very careful of spending too much time in that big brain. Act. Don't think.

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 6:23 PM, August 16th (Tuesday)]

W,

Is a vacation with just you and your wife a possibility?

How does going to to the Caribbean or Australia for example sound?

Scuba dive, see the sights, a chance for a break in the daily routine and perhaps replace some bad memories with new and positive memories.

The main idea is to get out of town and go somewhere brand new for both of you.

Walloped. I have followed your story. I am so sorry for your lose. I too only wanted a happy family. Unfortunately I did not have a remorseful spouse. I am praying that you make it.