This Topic is Archived
Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 12:57 AM on Sunday, July 2nd, 2017
End of the madness. Today Facebook kindly suggested D as one of the 'people you might know' and, upon closer inspection, it turns out he is with someone else. And has been for a while. So someone else is getting the love bombing treatment these days. And little does she know that he is fishing around
I feel deflated. But boy, how I needed this! An ice cold shower that has brought me back to my senses
Me 48 XWH Irrelevant D-day 23 Feb 163 amazing, resilient kids
You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop
Forged1 ( member #43418) posted at 1:07 AM on Sunday, July 2nd, 2017
I didn't want to come across as mean when you first posted but the old missed-call-without-a-voicemail is straight out of the Player's Playbook. It maintains plausible deniability on the Player's part. It allows him to go "Oh, sorry. I didn't realize I'd dialed" if you respond by telling him to go fuck himself.
If you respond differently, he understands that you're at least receptive to contact. And he has an in again.
Sorry. You kinda got played.
Me: Former BH
Divorced Q2 2015
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.
Do no harm. But take no shit.
ADryHeat ( member #46484) posted at 7:44 AM on Sunday, July 2nd, 2017
The first guy I went out with post d (ok, actually the second) I had SERIOUS chemistry with. He was adventurous, kind, funny, smart...and the sexual stuff was on fire even though we never actually - ahem - consummated.
It was complicated. He lived far away, so we called it and moved forward.
I have dated a fair amount of men since then, many of them one or two dates and they fizzled. I have also dated two men exclusively for about two months each. And while I was dating them? I would find myself wondering what that original guy was up to and if he was dating anyone or having a flash of a memory of something he said or did that made me feel all weak in the knees.
I NEVER would have acted on anything if he had contacted me without first breaking it off with whomever I was dating.
But here's the thing: the chemistry wasn't there with these other guys and I ended up realizing that my thinking of the first guy was a sign that something was off for us. They had other flags or traits I couldn't deal with either, so I wasn't in exactly your situation where you're overall happy with SO. But it was early days and had I NOT still thought of Guy 1 here and there I may have tried to make those relationships last longer. Or maybe not?
I think both passion and stability are important. If I don't have chemistry with a guy now? I give it some time and I'm VERY vocal and/or demonstrative of what I need in terms of intimacy, but if it isn't there at the start and doesn't quickly develop, I know it's not for me. Equally, I HAVE to sense a stability in a guy early on or I'm out. One of the two I dated for a few months was GONE when he quit his job with no other prospects and no savings to speak of----no way I could handle that level of instability.
I'd take the advice of others and give your focus to improving the areas of your relationship with SO that you want to see change and improve. Put in the work. But if you find yourself still pondering 'what if' or pining for something you don't see coming down the pike with SO, it may not be right.
It's ok to date a good guy and still end it because it just doesn't feel like it's all you want and need.
Me: BSMarried 11 years, 2 young kidsDDay 11/3/14, Discovered he was still a fuckwit: 7/10/15 DIVORCED 11/12/2015"Sometimes when you're in a dark place you think you've been buried, but actually you've been planted."
Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 11:11 AM on Sunday, July 2nd, 2017
ADryHeat, thank you for your perspective. You understand how, the very fact that a fleeting contact with the ex stirred all those emotions inside, might be a sign that I am not getting ALL that I need from SO. During my marriage, in spite of my ex's flaws and his poor treatment of me, I never even gave anyone else a second glance. I was in love and, perhaps, naive and he was all that I needed. I was devoted and irrepressible and he still left me for a younger woman.
That fear of rejection and being invisible are still my shadow. The sense that no matter how great you are and how good you are to someone, they can still bin you in a heartbeat. D must have picked up on that and, for a whole two months, he made me feel like a queen. I was a prime candidate for love bombing because I got so little out of my marriage and I fell straight into his trap. Painful but overall useful experience, a coming-of-age of sort.
Now, the difficulty, the internal discrepancy that I am having with SO, is that he is the exact opposite of D. He is quite cold, undemonstrative, and not at all romantic. Those traits transfer to the bedroom too. He is a physicist by training so I guess that explains a lot. Having said that, the intellectual connection is unbelievable and that is a first for me. He is also quite cute and funny (in a dry, British-humour kind of way) and has a lot of unusual interests which I really appreciate cause dating had previously been a regurgitation of the same topics, cliches, discussions etc. With SO we talk physics and philosophy and the meaning of life. You get the picture. I am infatuated with his brains but, as far as the physical chemistry is concerned, I am not quite on the same page. When I am not with him I don't long and I don't yearn for him, and, truth be told, I miss all those funny feelings inside when every fibre of your body is alight at the very thought of that other person.
So I am at a crossroads here: do I try and build up on what I have with SO which is, admittedly a lot, or aim for the stars and start looking for the passion and the stability knowing that the chances to find both are slim to say the least? At least at my age and with my circumstances...
Seeing SO today, first time after the D debacle, curious to see how I feel. And hoping things will become a bit clearer
[This message edited by Karmafan at 2:01 PM, July 2nd (Sunday)]
Me 48 XWH Irrelevant D-day 23 Feb 163 amazing, resilient kids
You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop
devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 1:37 PM on Sunday, July 2nd, 2017
I get it, too. ADryHeat isn't really saying anything that all of the rest of us haven't gone through or wrestled with, she just put it into words differently.
There is some book / person that gets sort of quoted or paraphrased around here that says that that immediate "connection" and "chemistry" firing off is all of one's things that need fixing being tickled. If that is in fact correct then that immediate 'all in' feeling is something to avoid.
It sounds like you're deciding whether to settle or not. Every time you have a quandary that involves another person switch the positions of you and the other person in your head and check to see how you'd feel. Would you like to be settled for? I know that I wouldn't. I'd know that if you think that you're giving up something to be with me that there's a big chance that somebody else will come along and offer to fill that particular void. He might feel the same about not wanting to be settled for.
Something that has been suggested (by me and others) is that you a) talk to him about the Bedroom Olympics and b) just _do_ some of those things that you want to do. There are guys who are so, um, unconfident? in the bedroom that they get all butt-hurt if the woman suggests new things. There are also those guys that mistakenly hold back when with a new partner because they don't want to scare her off with their *ahem* self-perceived level of *ahem* activities and pursuits, or the acceptability of those.
Thing is, you'll never know unless you _ask_ about the relationship that you are _in_. That's a lot more honorable (IMHO) than sitting back and worrying about this one and pining for another one.
Also, did you _really_ just generalize physicists? I took that a bit personally because I was this close >< to becoming one myself. Did you ever consider that he might be wrestling with some of these same problems himself, or other, similar ones? Perhaps he's holding back in the bedroom to limit the amount of chemistry there for _him_. Kind of a way to keep you at arm's length emotionally for _him_ until he figures _you_ out. Again, you won't know unless you ask.
Switching subjects a bit - It is possible to change your picker. Your picker would seriously consider guy D and he turned out to be a player. I've done picker work myself and read others here to describe it as basically figuring out what is attractive in folks like guy D and repeatedly thinking about how bad that trait is and then repeatedly thinking positively about the traits that you do want to be more attractive / a larger percentage of attraction.
Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.
Forged1 ( member #43418) posted at 6:02 PM on Sunday, July 2nd, 2017
You understand how, the very fact that a fleeting contact with the ex stirred all those emotions inside, might be a sign that I am not getting ALL that I need from SO.
Something about this doesn't sit well with me. I think it's the way it's phrased in the sense that you're making your SO responsible for giving you something/ALL that you need. Sort of implies a "deficiency" on his part.
Just thought I'd mention it.
Me: Former BH
Divorced Q2 2015
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.
Do no harm. But take no shit.
ADryHeat ( member #46484) posted at 7:27 PM on Sunday, July 2nd, 2017
You understand how, the very fact that a fleeting contact with the ex stirred all those emotions inside, might be a sign that I am not getting ALL that I need from SO.
Something about this doesn't sit well with me. I think it's the way it's phrased in the sense that you're making your SO responsible for giving you something/ALL that you need. Sort of implies a "deficiency" on his part.
It could be a sign that you're not getting all you need. Or it could be a sign you're not ready. Or it could be a sign you need more time.
Hard to say. I only shared my story because I sense you are feeling a bit on the defensive re the responses you've received. DM is correct that my perspective is similar to others' shared here. Further, I think a whole LOT of us who weee betrayed (and probably many who were not) have this sort of experience related to wild chemistry when we end a LT relationship and get back out there.
I also don't necessarily think the first guy is a bad dude. I mean----maybe HE is just reflecting on the way YOU made him feel all weak in the knees. Should he reach out when he's got a SO? Yeah...if I was his SO I'd be pissed if I knew. But maybe his feelings are similar to yours or maybe he's falling into the ex trap where he's sure you could just be friends. Think how many of us as a BS thought maybe we could be friends with our exes. I think attributing it to him being a player is making a leap, personally. But I don't know the guy and if it helps you shut down the curiosity to believe he's a player, believe it allllll day so you can shut down the what if feelings.
I do think this is maybe a sign you're unsure in your current relationship. If you feel this current SO is worthy of the chance, by all means put the work and effort there and see what happens.
Me: BSMarried 11 years, 2 young kidsDDay 11/3/14, Discovered he was still a fuckwit: 7/10/15 DIVORCED 11/12/2015"Sometimes when you're in a dark place you think you've been buried, but actually you've been planted."
Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 2:24 PM on Wednesday, July 5th, 2017
So I saw SO on Sunday and it was strange. I felt so...disconnected. We talked a lot, and had a nice time, but it downed on me that my heart might not be in it. He is a great guy but quite cold and set in his ways. For instance, I tried to bring up the sex 'issue', suggesting what we could do to spice up our sex life, and his response was: 'maybe another time'. Needless to say, I felt quite stupid for even mentioning it
I haven't been divorced long and I am not sure I am ready to settle on....companionship only. I feel I also need some spark, excitement, anticipation between dates. I have had it before and I know it's possible.
We are due to go away together in August so quite unsure whether to give it until then and see if that trip brings us closer together or throw in the towel now
[This message edited by Karmafan at 8:26 AM, July 5th (Wednesday)]
Me 48 XWH Irrelevant D-day 23 Feb 163 amazing, resilient kids
You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop
FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 4:55 PM on Wednesday, July 5th, 2017
his response was: 'maybe another time'.
Did you say he's British? They often have a different approach to emotional things and can be more reserved. He may even think it's distasteful to bring it up. Which could be a problem since you put yourself out on a limb to bring it up. Ugh.
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 4:59 PM on Wednesday, July 5th, 2017
Ugh indeed, Faithfool
And yes he is British and I am Italian: we couldn't have more different approaches to emotions
Me 48 XWH Irrelevant D-day 23 Feb 163 amazing, resilient kids
You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop
FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 5:01 PM on Wednesday, July 5th, 2017
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 5:58 PM on Wednesday, July 5th, 2017
Ok. Good going on telling him what you want.
With a response like that, I'd _maybe_ give it a, oh, week? to see if he makes any changes.
Then, onward and upward! With him or without him... IYKWIM.
Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.
Forged1 ( member #43418) posted at 12:42 AM on Thursday, July 6th, 2017
his response was: 'maybe another time'.
Yeah. I think I agree with DM. Give him a week to actually raise this particular issue again and if he doesn't, I think gathering up your towel and making alternative plans for August is probably your best option.
Me: Former BH
Divorced Q2 2015
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.
Do no harm. But take no shit.
fargles ( member #57136) posted at 6:54 AM on Thursday, July 6th, 2017
I'll tell you my own story. I dated what was probably one of the most beautiful women I've ever been with in my life (ex-model). Truly stunning. We had an amazing date, amazing physical connection from day one. We dated for a while, introduced our kids (who are the same age) who got along amazingly. However, something was always a bit "off" with her and we didn't spend that much time together and things didn't move at a normal pace. Turns out, she had "confusing" feelings for another guy. I eventually pushed for answers and she admitted confusion - I got out and we went "silent" for about 30 days.
I met girl B immediately after dead-ending Girl A. Our first date, I was just "meh" - she was pretty, not stunning, but had a great personality and attitude. I didn't "click" with her until about date 3 and she showed an amazing amount of emotional maturity and interrogated me - so I got interested. It got super easy from that. She's a pretty girl - and I'm attracted to her, but she's not the level of stunning with physical chemistry that girl A has. She IS however, a much better life fit. She's a much easier life fit. We just spent a 4-day weekend together. Girl-B has kids, they're older and basically do their own thing.
Here's what I'll say - you're not the best person to judge what's best for you. Your friends and family are. So let them.
Since I've been dating girl B, about 3 months, Girl A has gotten "very interested" and I've met her once and it was just as absolutely hot as ever. I mean she lights me up like a Christmas tree and it's not a one-way thing. So it's physical chemistry versus what I know is solid compatibility. It'd be easy to go wayward on all this...
I "get" it.
devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 7:04 AM on Thursday, July 6th, 2017
The difference in fargles' story is that his girl B interrogated him. You know, interacted heavily with questions and stuff.
Your guy shut you down.
Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.
Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 12:17 PM on Thursday, July 6th, 2017
It is interesting to hear a man's perspective on this. I think, in a way, OLD has spoiled us because the choice is soo overwhelming that it is difficult to settle on just one person. Even when we do, there is always this nagging doubt at the back of our mind of 'what if there is someone better out there?'. Of course, as BS, we should know better but I think that OLD can sometimes bring out the worst in people.
Fargles, I think your situation mirrors mine almost exactly, apart from the fact that my ex is now with someone else, although still fishing. I am glad that you get what I am going through and the dilemma I face, not just the choice between two men, but more of a general life choice between...wild passion and quiet compatibility.
SO is my dream man in theory (apart from....what you know) and yet, and yet, I don't yearn for him and I don't long for him the way I did with D. I think about him and I am happy when I receive a text from him, but it's more like a.....fondness that I feel. Passion is a different ball game! And after Sunday, it's not likely to get any better
Sometimes I wish I never experienced it so that the comparison wouldn't be so bloody painful
This week I have been uncharacteristically cold with him, and been tempted on a few occasion to do the cowardly thing and dump him by text, but I am still in two minds. Am I just being greedy here? Should I give him some more time? Shall I go on our dream trip to the US which we so enthusiastically put together? Argh, why is nothing ever straightforward when it comes to the affairs of the heart?
[This message edited by Karmafan at 6:57 AM, July 6th (Thursday)]
Me 48 XWH Irrelevant D-day 23 Feb 163 amazing, resilient kids
You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop
devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 1:57 PM on Thursday, July 6th, 2017
Karmafan, I do get what you're saying. I haven't been pulled by two people at once because my feelings for others just don't get beyond warm regard/friendship/sibling? feelings when I'm with someone.
For me the high passion has corresponded to people that are really not all that great partner material. That's why the suggestion that "those people that we feel instant chemistry with are tickling our things that we need work on" hit home for me so.
So, this doesn't have to be a binary choice between these two guys. Perhaps they're _both_ not right for you in different ways.
As for OLD, yeah, it is a madhouse and largely a numbers game.
Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.
kpstartingover ( member #47854) posted at 2:26 PM on Thursday, July 6th, 2017
Since this is the same guy who initially blew you off a few weeks ago saying your request was "emotionally draining", I think you have a pretty good idea that he's not going to exert himself to meet your needs.
All this pondering about why you might be disconnected and not as attracted to him in the sack, but he was impotent intitally then callous with your feelings. Your heart knows the score, even if your head keeps trying to convince you that an international couples vacation is a great idea 4 months into a rocky relationship.
You're going to look back on this later and wonder why it took so long to dump him.
Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 2:50 PM on Thursday, July 6th, 2017
kpstartingover, you nailed it.
I keep trying to convince myself that things will get better but they never do
It is just hard to admit yet another failure
Me 48 XWH Irrelevant D-day 23 Feb 163 amazing, resilient kids
You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop
devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 2:55 PM on Thursday, July 6th, 2017
This isn't a failure, though.
You dated a guy and it didn't work. Then you dated another and that didn't work. So what?
A failure would have been you deciding to marry one of them even though you knew that it was wrong to do so.
You're dating and succeeding because you're meeting people, learning about them, and casting back the ones who aren't a good fit.
That's doing it right!
Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.
This Topic is Archived