SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks ZenKitty,

The irony is one of the traits which attracted me to my husband is his compassion for others. We would watch emotionally impactful movies together and he would be crying, sometime more than me (and I cry at AT&T commercials!). He still does. This behaviour is so out of his character and moral compass, which is why it is so shocking and hurtful. My therapist says good people do bad things all the time...that it is a behaviour and does not define the person. I struggle with that.

When he saw the hurt his LTAs caused me early on, he was physically ill. I had left the house in a state of immense hurt after dialogue about the affairs, but of course had forgotten something and had to come back in to the house to grab it. He was in the bathroom vomiting and sobbing. He did not know I came back and heard him, it was not a show for me.

His therapist has told him he has had the most LTAs of anyone with whom she has worked and she has been an IC for 30 years. She has also told him he has taken the most ownership for his actions of anyone with whom she has worked and that he must in time begin to forgive himself and stop beating himself up everyday. I struggle with that too, though I know forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, I don't feel he deserves forgiveness yet. My pain is still too raw to consider that yet.

My therapist says good people do bad things all the time...that it is a behaviour and does not define the person.

My deeply held position on such things is that it is your behaviors that defines you. What else can it possibly be? In this plane of existence we take up, only your behaviors are readily seen by others. You can only reflect to others who you are by tht behaviors they witness from you.

I think wonderful, compassionate thoughts all day, but I kicked a homeless man and stole money from my friend. I mean, if it is not who we are that manifests itself in our behaviors, what then defines who we are?

He has said not to blame any of his AP, that the choice to stray from our marriage is 100% on him...I disagree. Though absolutely, he opened the door, they knew he was married and walked through the open door.

He must be one charming mother****er. Still has the audacity to tell you who to blame. Still trying to protect his APs. Of course he gets the lion's share of the blame as he made vows to you which he ignored for most of your marriage.

It would be interesting to talk to his AP who was your friend just to see how he worked it all out.

This behaviour is so out of his character and moral compass, which is why it is so shocking and hurtful. My therapist says good people do bad things all the time

^^Gently, why is it so out of his character? He's been doing it for decades. Cheating IS his character.

Good people do bad things. DIFM made a good point. We do bad things....oops, I lied to my husband about the $$ I spent on a dress; oops, I shouldn't have yelled at my kids; oops, I cursed at the person who took my parking spot. The point is, none of us is perfect, but I don't think the "bad things" normal people do could compare to committing adultery for an entire marriage.

I married young and have been with my husband for 36+ years. What I recognize in you is that you have offered grace to your husband. He doesn’t deserve it, yet you are committed to trying to get your marriage back on track. I am glad you are both in counseling. My husband and I attended counseling a few years back, and the counselor helped us recognize and get beyond our fears. I guess my input would be that God can perform a miracle in your marriage. I applaud you for not giving up!

Thank you Bebe11. You are right, he doesn't really deserve it, but I am offering it to him as an opportunity to be better, to heal, to maintain my family unit intact and to be open to the possibilities. I hope and pray he does the work, we do the work and just maybe, we will come out the other side stronger.

I wish you the best.

Thank you hopeandhealing! I am agreeing with you in prayer...that your marriage will be stronger on the other side of this! Hang in there!

How are you doing?

Thanks for touching base PricklePatch,

I have done a lot of reading on this site, ventured into the Wayward forum to help me reconcile such completely unacceptable behaviours and try to understand how people can cause such hurt to those they allegedly love. There are no easy answers, but I think it is helping. I see true suffering in that forum too, for those truly remorseful and I find my heart extending to them.

People are complex and as much as many on here believe true change is impossible, especially for a serial cheater, I don't believe that is true. I believe in the face of true remorse and hard work, there is an opportunity for growth and change...maybe because I work in a rehab facility and am reminded of it through my work on a daily basis. My WH is likely a lucky guy that I do have this perspective and am willing to extend the opportunity for R. I read one BH who regretted not being able to extend that to his WW and still wondered what that could have looked like if he had. I feel sad for him that he has this unknown and is hard on himself for it. I think we all do the best we can do in the moment. That said, I understand and accept people's opinions, their anger, their hurt, their lines in the sand.

To me, it is not so black and white. There is history, several decades of it, with a lot of it being very good, two amazing kids, extended families and friends. It is not just me to think about in this situation. My decisions affect more people than just me.

So, I take it day by day. Some days are good, some are less good and I am angry, hurt, scared, but I take a deep breath and take a step forward, to see what the day will bring. My H is doing a lot of work to help me heal. I believe his remorse is genuine, as do our therapists. Time will tell I suppose. I hope in a few years I don't still look at him and feel breath taking pain for his repeated poor choices and where it has put us. I would expect that will come with forgiveness, letting go of all hope for a better past. If I can't ultimately do that, then at least I know I did all I could to heal us and our family and will have peace with how I handled myself in the awfulness that is infidelity.

I hope you are doing as well as can be expected for any of us on this site. Take care and thanks again for reaching out. I appreciate it.

DIFM,

I agree that his behaviour defines him in this domain of his life, but I don't believe it defines all of who he is. He is a good father, a good friend, a good son, a good brother. He made awful, hurtful choices to me, to our marriage. Those are his alone to own, but he also made many good choices during that time, considerate choices. I know the irony with that...I try to reconcile it everyday.

Mickey,

I can not bring myself to speak to my former friend about it. I would rather speak to his coW who are unknown to me to understand WTF were you thinking? I expect my path will cross with my former friend at some time due to mutual friends, but I fear I couldn't hold myself together and don't want to put myself in that situation.

Annb,

You are right, none of us are perfect and his repeated choices do reflect on his character, absolutely. I asked our MC about this after reading your post, how do I reconcile his repeated behaviours, ability to walk through what he said was important to him too. Her response was that is it complex, selfishness, compartmentalizing, entitlement, FOO stuff, workplace subculture etc. etc. She pointed me to some studies (which would no longer ethically be allowed to be conducted), which point to "normal" humans doing terrible things to each other. I believe there is a movie on netflix - the Stanford Prison experiment or something like that.

I know I sound like I am making excuses for his behaviour, I am not. No part of it was ok. It was all awful and selfish and has caused me pain like I never thought I would ever endure in my life. There will be no third chance after DD, he knows this. I am also reminded that his cheating stopped when the reality of his choices (that I almost found out) actually hit him in the face and he could no longer pretend that me discovering it wasn't a possible outcome. As I have read in the Wayward Forum, it seems many are capable of not actually seeing that as a possibility...or they just don't care in that moment.

I appreciate your opinions and comments. All of the above were addressed in my IC and MC the past week, which is all helpful for me to move forward and heal.

I am struggling to reconcile the behaviour with who I thought he was. He has been a good father, friend, son etc.

No, he hasn't been a good father. He took time away from his children to engage in adultery.

That said, you have a lot of faith in this man and that counts for something. You see something in him that maybe he can't see in himself yet. I know in my heart of hearts that if I'd left my XWH back in 1983, he'd have ended up in jail or been dead within 10 yrs. I remind myself of that on the days I view the last 35 years as a huge waste of my life.

The only thing I'd suggest you do differently is stop the MC and just focus on IC for right now, until your pain subsides a little bit. It's just not feasible to expect you to have any energy to work on MC right now when 100% of your energy should be going toward your own healing.

At the same time, he should be doing IC to make himself a better person going forward (or, another way of looking at it is to find that better person inside himself) AND learning how to help you heal.

Another poster told you it's not a race and she was 100% correct. Take your time, let your healing begin and take it one day at a time.

All the best to you.

You've said several times,that he's a good father.

A good father is a good example to his children.

A good father doesn't repeatedly cheat on his wife and children.

A good father doesn't repeatedly expose the mother of his children to deadly STDs.

A good father doesn't take time from his family, and spend it texting, emailing, or spend time with an AP.

A good father doesn't risk his children's happiness, family, and security for an AP.

He may love his kids. That doesn't make him a good father.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:38 AM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

move on !!!

Hope and healing,

I am glad your finding your path. Every betrayed spouse has the same yet different path. None are easy.

Please take care of yourself. Hugs