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If your sister invited her to the wedding, that is good enough. It essentially says she doesn’t feel close to your wife that she wasn’t invited to the shower.

It gives your sister distance to enjoy her day. The wedding will be less personal I image in other words more people less personal interaction.

Honestly, your wife is facing the natural consequences of her affair. Sad but true I stopped inviting a close friend due to their infidelity. I don’t enjoy movies with stars who had affairs. Narrow minded but true.

I think your wife is acting entitled to her place in your sisters life. If she had true remorse she might acknowledge yeah I made bad choices she doesn’t want to be close, and let it go. Not showing up at the wedding is basically a manipulative in my mind. It says you don’t want to be close anymore I am going to make my husband chose. Just my thoughts.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 10:41 PM, March 23rd (Friday)]

Take off the cape. Your WW doesn’t need to be saved and your sister isn’t being “hateful”. Family members not wanting to have anything to do with a WS is a natural consequence of an A. Your WW should be grateful that she at least got an invitation to the wedding. If being close to your sister was soooo important, your WW shouldn’t have betrayed you. Just because you’re willing to jump all in DOES NOT mean your family has to do the same. Your sister seems to be keeping it civil and she honestly doesn’t even have to do that, but she is doing it for your sake. Go to the wedding to show support & make sure your WW doesn’t try to take away from your sister’s day by sulking around.

I agree that the bachelorette party was for close friends but showers are driven by the host. Often a bride has several showers Mom, MIL to be and maybe peer group.

Those hosts determine the guest list and invite away with input from bride and families. Sometimes you have your moms friends who you may not be close to but are there to show their support for you mom etc. I said all that to say it might very well be a snub. You sister has the ‘right’ to have her feelings and Telegraph those by her invitation. But it’s not very mature and here you go with your wife making it known that she is going to leave the wedding early etc..

I would be careful about keeping the tit for tat carousel of hurt feelings rolling. And then applying those hurt feelings to behavior at family gatherings.

This behavior by your sis should send your antennae up but I would encourage your wife to go in the other direction. To attend with a positive attitude and be there to support and help the family with the event. Prove with her actions that she is supportive. She may never regain the relationship but she can show that she IS willing to take the high road.

If in the future your sister attempts to ostracize—you deal with it then. She doesn’t have to be your wife’s friend. She doesn’t have to reach out to reconnect. Her choice. Your wife doesn’t need to Chase her.. She owes her effort to you, not your sister.

As the FOO member I would ensure that you let all members know that you did choose your wife and you expect those that love you respect that choice. Civility is not that hard. We can all do it at the DMV, so it can be done around the holiday table as well.

If your family want you there they best learn to curb their desire to meet out consequences to your WW.

[This message edited by redrock at 4:23 PM, March 25th (Sunday)]

Your sister seems to have a healthy attitude and boundary regarding someone who has betrayed her friendship. She is respect8ng your marriage by inviting you both to the wedding but reserving the right to have only people she loves and trusts at her shower. Seems very very simple. It is not for you to sort. Perhaps the taste of rejection your wife is feeling could have afforded her some insight to the feelings of a BS after Dday, and another learning opportunity. But it seems not. A pity.

My sister and I have a very odd relationship. We love each other dearly, we admire each other, but we cannot sit in the same room together for more than an hour without bickering.

She and I have a personality conflict. We always have since we were kids. She and I have always had fundamental differences in the way we view life, politics, religion...everything. Our personalities abrade one another...like a match and a matchbook.

When my wife came along she provided a calming affect that helped me and my sister get along better when all of us were together. It was uncanny, but that is one of my wife's talents: she is a peacemaker.

So when all of this adultery business went down it hurt my sister to the core, because this would be just one more issue that she and I would now not see eye to eye on.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 3:28 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]