SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So your wife has thrown down the ultimatum of if you tell his W, she's divorcing you?

You know, successful Rs only happen when the cheating spouse controls it. You're heading in the right direction.

Why is your relationship over? A threat from your wife? That would mean she is protecting the POS over you. Tell the OBS but don't tell your wife you did. Her reaction tell you if R is possible. You will know that she still communicates with her AP and A wemt underground. If there is no chance for R if you tell the wife then there is no chance.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 2:25 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

I understand that she deserves to know but as soon as I tell her then my relationship is over. I am not willing to accept that.

Explain. Why would your relationship be over because of this?

I understand that she deserves to know but as soon as I tell her then my relationship is over. I am not willing to accept that.

Then it's already over, my friend.

1st rule on getting out of infidelity: Blow it up!

DarkHole:

Several questions:

- What kind of location you found them at? (i.e. is it a public place or secluded one)

- Have you seen their correspondence?

- Does your WW allow you to look at her phone?

- She deleted everything? (Run Dr Fone or some other recovery software on her phone to retrieve deleted texts)

- Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it in her car (look up instructions how to secure it)

I'm asking this because you need to be cautious. In "cheater-speak" "We kissed once" usually means "We fucked. A lot" (my case included, under "Nothing physical, not even a kiss, swear on our kids' lives" there were two APs and 20+ fucks using her every hole in a space of 3 months).

^^^^ this is right on the money. If you really want the truth, these are the questions you want answered.

[This message edited by twisted at 2:19 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Tell his wife NOW! Who the hell dies your wife think she is? Threatening you with D if you tell the AP’s wife. She didn’t think anything of it when she was kissing him in the car and the repercussions this would have for both families. She is stringing you along protecting the affair. Blow her world and his world up! Like they have yours. And the other BS needs to know. It’s the right thing to do otherwise you too are protecting their sick relationship. Geez, can’t believe she gave you that ultimatum. Call her bluff. Don’t be a smuk. Stand up for yourself. Tell her to take threats elsewhere. Don’t act like a beta male otherwise she will make your life unbearable.

Sorry let me explain a bit further.

There is no threat or ultimatum at all from W about telling his wife. This is a decision I have taken.

The only reason being is that if everyone at our school knows then I can’t possible reconcile because of how I will feel with it being public.

[This message edited by d264p8 at 2:29 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Do you really think his wife won't be as embarrassed as you are?

Ummm, unless you speak to his wife then it’s easiest to just assume that the affair has continued.

The other wife will be just as quiet about it as you.

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS. You will quickly learn if they were still in contact if he finds out that you spoke to his wife.

If you confide in the AP’s wife and let her know that you don’t want this going public for it will adversely affect your respective families, she should be able to abide by your request. You’d think she’d want to protect her children, too. Dude, for once put your needs above the selfish wife and her AP. Like they did over you. Don’t be taken for a ride. The asshole is probably laughing at you not sharing this info with his wife allowing him to continue the relationship with your wife or move on to another woman and ruining another marriage and family.

You have an extra pair of eyes monotoring the “Luv birds”. Don’t protect them. The AP probably thinks he got away with it! Don’t let him. He is laughing at you from keeping this a secret from his wife. His wife deserves to know. She needs to be tested for STDs. This may not be the first affair he has had. The poor woman could be exposed to life threatening diseases like you.

[This message edited by Mene at 2:50 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

You cannot reconcile, and you will never "get over this", unless and until your WW accepts the degree to which it was real betrayal, is remorseful for being the cause of your pain and the damage to your M, and is contrite in her actions towards making you feel safe with her as a partner.

Until she accepts that this is more of a lying, betrayal, selfish individual problem vs a marriage problem, you will not likely succeed in R.....unless at some point you agree to "forgive" and rugsweep, and even then you are only buying time and building a time bomb inide that will eventually come back to haunt you.

Until she owns it for what it is and shows remorse and contrition, you will not feel safe.

The only reason being is that if everyone at our school knows then I can’t possible reconcile because of how I will feel with it being public.

This is not a valid reason. You'll be embarrassed? Get over it, it wasn't your fault, anyone that blames you, or feels you aren't doing what they think you should, has no business in your business. You're all ready eating a big ole shit sammich. Most likely, she won't want it public either.

You job is to get out of infidelity, EXPOSURE IS THE SUREST WAY TO END IT.

If you want to reconcile that bad, then you need to make sure the affair is ended and will not start back up. The best way to do that is to contact the OBS. You will have a teammate to help make sure they stay NC. You resistance to contacting the OBS because of embarrassment or humiliation frankly reduces the chances for you to successfully reconcile with your wife because the OM has free reign to continue reaching out to your wife.

whatever they have done up to this point has not crossed your bottom line, but their continued contact may very well result in something that is a deal breaker for you if you do not act decisively to put a stop to it.

It isn’t just my embarrassment it is to do with the children. I don’t want them to have to deal with it at school. Even the slightest risk makes it a difficult choice.

It is a difficult choice. It will cause her pain that she has never felt before, if this is the first time he has cheated, and she may react hostile or thankful. But it is the right thing to do. Look, protecting your family is an honorable thing. We all get that. And if this leads to R or D the only way to get this truly behind you is to inform all effected parties. She needs to know. For the sake of possible stds she needs to know. To protect herself as you are protecting yourself she needs to know. If it gets out it wont be you that looks bad but your WW and that POS. And to be honest, there may be people that already know. More people may know about the affair than you do right now. Tell his wife. Do the right think.

So you would be cool if the roles were reversed? If the OBS found out about the affair, and kept you in the dark about it?

Leaving you with a cheating wife completely under the radar? Free to go do it again?

Covering up and not informing the OM's wife is not just unfair to her but you are facilitating the affair.

Affairs flourish in the dark when nobody knows.

Exposure shakes up everyone's world (as it should).

The shame and embarrassment is one of the consequences for your wife and the OM .... this mess is what they caused. Don't cover up for them. Your intentions are good but the coverup is inappropriate.

Nobody thinks less of you for R. As Dr Phil as often said you'd be surprised at how infrequently other people think about 'you'.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:07 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Brother, read the first two paragraphs of your fist post on this thread. Your gut was telling you something was wrong even though it was unimaginable. What is your gut telling you now after catching them in a car they've been in for two days that you know of.

One of the hardest things to do with infidelity is admit to ourselves it's actually true. I'm sorry, but if you rugsweep this you'll gut will gnaw on you until it forces you to deal with it.

There are people on this site who had problems 20 years later because they didn't deal with it up front. (PTSD type problems)

I know you're in the denial phase of grief now but you'll hit the anger phase soon. There really isn't any way around it only through it.

What were the circumstances that led to you discovering them in the car. Did she lie where she'd be and you needed to check? That doesn't go away unless you deal with it. Step one is telling his wife.

Dr Phil makes some great points.

Look, man, I get the issues around kids finding out. You want to protect them. If you know the other BS, you can take her out for a coffee and sit her down and explain to her the affair and reason with her to keep it between the adults in the two families. You need the AP’s spouse to help you blow the “Luv Birds” world right the fuck up. Cause if you don’t do that, I can guarantee you that he will either continue the affair with your wife or find another woman. If kissing happened, much much more also happened. I know it hurts you thinking more has happened (that dreaded feeling all us BS have had). Steel yourself for more sexual stuff to eventually come out. Your wife may be trickle truthing you. If she has an android phone and a google account you can find out about her whereabouts the last year or two. This fucker has been pursuing your wife for a while. He’s a predator and your wife while vulnerable is still complicit and should own the affair and blame.

Tell the other spouse. Please. In my situation, I was in your position and deliberated for months. The best thing I did was blow the fucker’s world up. I told his wife, his parents and his siblings. They all assured me that no children were going to find out from the families. I wanted to protect my three children. And they were true to their word.

[This message edited by Mene at 4:34 PM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Dude,

The Luv Birds didn’t think about their children nor their spouses while they were carrying out their affair. Please tell the other spouse. It’s the right thing to do.

I agree with the others. I think you need to tell OBS. You're just helping them keep it a secret from her. That's not fair.