SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She told me her love for him could never have been deep love because they only spent a few hours a week together and most of it was having sex. Their schedules were so constrained by work, marriage and kids they did not have a real relationship. She said she sees this now.

The reality is with balancing all that out and fitting in the affair. She did a lot of planning, lying and scheming.

An affair is fantasy based. It's new, secretive and taboo which enhances the sexual aspect. An affair trumps everything. Spouse, family, etc. When the cover blows and reality sits in its a whole different senario. Now she's dealing with reality and the consequences.

Right now she's looking for a lifeline if you will.

Most will feel they deserve a second chance because they weren't on the receiving end of this devastation like you are. They will never fully understand your end.

Whatever you do take your time and think long term. Infidelity is a gift that never goes away.

R if that is your path should be well thought out.

Her capability to cheat something you never thought you'd have to worry about is there.

Good luck

This affair will change you both permanently. No matter which path you take. You'll need to accept that.

Sorry you're here.

Marz

You are correct in that she thinks she deserves a second chance.

I could easily give a second chance at a one night stand or very short affair like a week or two but she went at it for a year and told me to my face that she loved him more than me and wanted to marry him.

How long does it usually take for a WS to get over her AP if they loved them and had great sex?

Will she keep thinking about him, lusting after him, ect for months or years to come ?

Im not sure you'll ever know everything. Or ever be sure.

The one thing right now from what you're posting is she'll say whatever it takes (self preservation mode) to not lose what she so carelessly threw away. Words are meaningless. Long term actions are all you can count on.

I will speak of my own experience. If I were you, I would listen to WS more than BS. After all, your wife is a WS and you are asking about her mindset. Only we former WS would know.

1. Mine was an LTA, done out of hatred of my drunk, cheating H. But fear of leaving him.

2. During the height of the A, I believed that I loved my AP and that we were supposed to be together.

3. We had horrible affair sex, but I never would have admitted that to anyone.

4. A series of small issues crept up in the A, and I slowly began to see my AP differently. I felt guilty about our behavior, and it kept getting worse. What seemed like a perfect partnership started to look . . . imperfect.

5. I would have left and married my AP. What would have happened to us? Crash and burn. No doubt. I was not looking at any part of it rationally.

6. I realized that I was messed up over my codependence, conflict avoidance, resentment, people pleasing, and perfectionism. I was a confused mess.

7. I ended the A and got into IC.

8. My H and I have honestly dealt with each other, and we are still together. I cannot say we are in a healthy place. I have mixed feelings. We are friends, but he has not stepped up fully and I continue to make excuses for him.

9. The one thing that I am sure of: I could not see my H's good qualities during the A. I had so checked out due to my dysfunction that I could not give him any chance or options or fair shake. I am still shocked, about 11 years later, at how lost I was back then.

I think that she needs to earn your trust back. That is fair. I don't think she is lying, but I do think that baby steps where she earns the marriage back would be fair. Respect yourself, keep your integrity. But if you are open to her winning you back, maybe put the D/move out on hold. Will she do IC? Read books? Marriage counseling? Other atoning? I can relate to some of the things she is saying to you.

Be true to yourself.

Good luck.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:07 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

The fog is not an excuse. There is no excuse to have an affair. The affair partner is just a warm body that inflates the cheaters ego. It’s all about the cheaters needs. Insert almost anyone willing to play the role of Om/ow. Something is wrong with your cheating spouse. After your spouse cheats you owe them nothing, but the problem is solely in the cheating spous. Not their ap, and not you. They acted like desperate, pathetic weaklings. They are not powerful because they had an affair with a low life. Recently I’ve only focused on how embarrassing these cheaters are. Aloof, even. I’m sure every betrayed spouse could find someone to dirty sext and have sex without commitment. It’s not really hard if you don’t have standards.

ff4152

Your quotation scares the hell out of me:

"It’s exactly the same when you first meet/date/have sex with someone new. Someone you’re really excited about. It’s been said that it’s akin to a drug addiction and I agree with this comparison. When I was with my AP, I felt alive, attractive, virile etc. I hadn’t felt like that in years and it felt great."

So you are saying limerence or the fog feels like falling in love with someone. That is the most exciting experience possible and it is real.

I thought limerence or the fog was fake and could be popped or shattered in a way that the WS sees their affair differently.

I fell in love with women when I was younger and dont recall seeing them in a different or negative way after the relationship ended. In fact I know a couple of them today and when I see them we get along fine.

I was hoping Limerence or the fog was some kind of fake reality that was destroyed after the A ends.

You are correct in that she thinks she deserves a second chance.

Cheaters are selfish, it's their nature. Deserving a second chance is entitlement (same thing) but that is a gift only you can give.

If she thinks she deserves a second chance it isn't a good sign at this time IMO. If she had any remourse at all she'd know that she doesn't deserve a do over after screwing around behind your back for a year.

Right now it is totally up to you. Never jump in and squander the gift of R. She had an affair for a year. It needs some time and thinking on your part.

You are correct in that she thinks she deserves a second chance.

Then she is nowhere close to understanding what she has done. No WS deserves a second chance. Second chances are only given as a gift.

I just watched the Dr Joe Beam video suggested by Dolly111 on limerence. I did not like what I heard. He did say it was a kind of love. I was under the impression it was not actually a kind of love. I was under the impression it was some kind of fake reality.

He said limerence was an amazing sensation that consumes the person and makes them think of their lover all the time which I never thought of concerning my wife. He did say it always ends. He said the longest it lasts is 48 months and did say it usually lasts less time than that.

Reading about limerence and the fog isnt really helping and does not correlate to my wife's story. She is saying her bubble popped and she sees her affair as the worst thing she ever did and no longer loves her AP. I dont know what to think.

She is saying her bubble popped and she sees her affair as the worst thing she ever did and no longer loves her AP. I dont know what to think.

If she's serious about it being the worst thing she ever did, how does that jive with her claim that she deserves a second chance?

It sounds an awful lot to me like she's just telling you what she thinks will get you to give her what she wants.

OwningItNow

I dont know if she will go to counseling but she is reading a lot of books, websites and watching YouTube videos. She found a series of videos called AffairRecovery on YouTube which she loves. I watched a couple of them and they seemed worthwhile.

I just dont believe she can go from loving another man and having sex with him for a year to believing her affair was the worst thing she ever did in her life only sixty days later.

She literally told me to my face that she loved him more than me, wanted to marry him and sex was better with him than me. Now sixty days later she tells me her bubble popped and she sees her affair as the worst thing she ever did. That seems more than unlikely to me.

I am probably going to move into my own house and give myself time to figure everything out before I decide to divorce her.

I do think it is probable I am plan B.

You are correct in that she thinks she deserves a second chance

.

What's the basis of her thoughts of being deserved? The statement itself, is somewhat insulting. For you to merely CONSIDER reconciliation, a significant amount of results based actions on her part coupled with your unbelievable grace is the MINIMUM requirement. For her to expect it or you to provide it for reasons of her deserving is preposterous. Take all the time you need and stay aloof, indifferent and observant in the meantime.

firenze, yes I agree she is just saying anything to make me stay. I am afraid she just doesnt want to be alone. She lost her AP who she loved and now she faces losing her husband of 25 years. That is some serious loss.

The thing I really want to know is the effect of her bubble popping.

Can a bubble really pop which alters her perception from loving her AP more than me to loving me more than her AP ?

Can a bubble really pop which alters her perception that having sex with her AP was better than having sex with me so that she now thinks having sex with me is better than having sex with him ?

Can a bubble really pop so that she went from wanting to be married to him rather than me and now wanting to be married to me more than him ?

Can a bubble pop in sixty days so that she now thinks the affair was the worst thing she ever did in her life?

I hate to mention this but you don't know her other man which means he could be having sex with multiple women.

If I were you I'd get tested for STD's if you haven't and stay far away from your wife until she gets tested as well.

Affair sex is rarely protected sex.

Next up will probably come love bombing from her. Expect it if she hasn't. More self preservation mode.

Should I talk to her about the details of her affair if I am already ready to move out of the house and leaning toward divorce ?

I didnt ask details after she told me she loved him more than me and wanted to be married to him if she could.

Will knowing details help me make a better decision or will it simply cause me to divorce her right away?

They did not use protection since they were both married to monogamous spouses.

She is love bombing as much as she can.

I avoid her as much as possible.

[This message edited by NotToday1971 at 11:11 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]

NotToday1971 I have to cast my vote for the fog is bullshit side. I'm a WW. I never "fell in love" with my AP. How could I love someone that I barely knew? It was sex for me, pure and simple. If you think of the fog as sassylee described, that I can believe in. The first rush of lust and excitement, but it fades (usually quickly). But saying "oh, I was in the fog" is an excuse for a wayward, especially if it was an LTA. Those require the wayward to lie, sneak around, and play pretend for a long period of time.

They did not use protection since they were both married to monogamous spouses.

She maybe safe but would you bet your life and health on her other man?

Cheaters lie a lot.

Get an STD test !!!!!!

[This message edited by Marz at 11:26 PM, December 1st (Saturday)]