SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Barregirl

Do you think the fog did not apply to you because you had a sex only affair and did not love your AP?

I’m going to repost firenze’s entire reply, because it is exactly how I feel about the “fog”:

I'm younger than many of the posters here, but in the years I've been on this Earth I have never had such an experience and I can't imagine ever having one. That is why I think the fog is bullshit. People don't magically lose the ability to consider the implications and consequences of their actions. They're just selfish assholes who care about what they want in the moment and are happy to betray and discard anyone who gets in the way of their gratification.

There's no such thing as "the fog" lifting and showing the WS that their A was a bunch of fakery and their true feelings were for their BS all along. It's them coming to terms with the fact that they're a weak, shortsighted, selfish person who emotionally murdered their BS. In a truly remorseful WS, remorse is basically the repudiation of the person they always were and the effort to right wrongs and become a person worth being.

Edit: Please note I am not suggesting your WW is truly remorseful. That is something she will have to prove to you if you feel like giving her the chance, and it will take a long, long time.

Will knowing details help me make a better decision or will it simply cause me to divorce her right away?

You won't know until you have them, though I can tell you that the details will absolutely make it hurt worse in the short-term. You're likely to find that she did things sexually with him that she didn't or wouldn't do with you. You'll have triggers. Places they went, clothes she wore to see him, the cars they drove, pet names and words of affection that you thought were previously for you alone, your own bed or house if they ever had sex there, and other things you never see coming until they hit you out of the blue months later. I personally became extremely sensitive to movies or TV shows with infidelity storylines in them. That stuff never bothered me much before DDay but now I can't stand it.

NotToday

I apologize in advance if I'm wrong in my perception of your posts but It seems to me, that besides the overwhelming advice that the so called "fog" is really BS, and that an adult grown woman like your WW with grown children knows right from wrong, you're somehow grasping at straws at the notion that at best MAYBE she had no control of her actions during a WHOLE effing year, like she was "hypnotized" into having sex repeatedly, lying and planning her romantic escapes with OM. The fact is she wasn't "hypnotized" enough to know she had to hide the A from you. OTH the OM was in the same A and didn't seem to have such "fog" and DUMPED your WW on the spot like a bad habit to save his own M, she was just a side peace to him and you can bet he NEVER told OBS he loved your WW more than her or that he wanted to marry your WW and leave her, etc. The fact of the matter is your WW told you in no uncertain terms she wanted OM more than you and wanted to marry him and sixty days ago if OM had left his wife you can bet your WW would be with him right now and she would probably be the one filing for D to ride into the sunset with him, at least 60 days ago YOU WERE PLAN B, and of course what happens when plan A is no longer an option ? yep you guessed it, back to good old YOU.

Why are you even putting so much weight on whether she loved OM more than you or not (which she TOLD you she did) ? I mean just the fact that she loved him enough to have sex with him and betray you and her family for a year is more than enough reason to D, the thousands of lies and planning that took is a HUGE betrayal to you and her children, you shouldn't have to be competing for her love with OM at all to begin with, she should have ONLY loved you period and not share her love with OM, she broke her vows and betrayed you. She never once tried to stop her A, she was more likely making plans to leave you for OM but he would not leave his wife (OBS) and disguise it as problems with the M or the old "we grew apart" or some other BS.

Again file for D, it normally takes about a year (the length of her A) and watch her actions and take that time to figure out if the LTA itself is a dealbreaker for you, if it is, there's no point on over analyzing it, just let D run its course and move on, if not and she has comepletely changed and committed to doing the heavy lifting to restore the M, you can stop the D process, either way you would have started to get out of infidelity.

I'm a BW and believe the "Fog" has become a crutch for a lot of BSs. It's almost like a safety blanket to hold onto that will stop your WS having felt any love for AP. I'm sorry but you only need to look in the Divorce/Separation forum to see plenty of examples where the WS left for the AP. IMO it's better to face the reality and fight the truth of the situation. In th case your wife loved the MOM but he threw her under the bus to reconcile with his wife and now she is facing up to starting a brand new life on her own and doesn't like it.

BTW the Fog also provides a handy excuse for bad behavior in the early days after discovery.

Anything goes wrong, blame the Fog, the WS attitude, behavior, answer, etc is wrong/off blame the Fog.

With regards to your house purchase, if you decide to go ahead I would actually rent until the divorce was settled, not to be beholden to my BS any more. Plus it would now be one new way to have to unravel during or after the divorce proceedings, seems like an unnecessary hassle to me.

So do I believe in a FOG? Yes I do. But I wouldn’t call it that. Instead as others have alluded to, it’s that early relationship infatuation. That feeling you have at the beginning of dating someone. That you have to have them. And that they are perfect. And you want to be with this person as much as you can. That you want to devour them.

Perhaps you and your WW felt this when you first met. It’s connection based on pure attraction and little else until you get to know them.

With a normal monogamous relationship, that feeling fades and morphs into a true connection, a shared experience, living real life together. You start to share the quiet moments in between. That happens especially when you begin to live together or get married. There can still be romance but infatuation is no longer what it’s called. You know each other in a more real sense.

The problem is with and A, it never morphs. The dirtiness and secrecy keep the relationship in the infatuation stage much longer, perhaps for the total length of the A. It’s not based on reality. It fights reality. It’s anything but real life. No responsibility at all. And that’s what it’s so much more fun. The only downside can be guilt, but successful cheaters can push that down, way down, if they want to keep the fantasy going.

So yes I believe in such a thing. For most A’s. Even those that say “it was just sex”. Because that was the point. If it was going to be more than that there would have been paying joint bills and raising kids and pet responsibilities and taking care of each other’s parents. The just sex aspect is what made it so wonderful in their mind. Pure pleasure.

So NT1971, I can believe that your wife may eventually realize the person she became in the A. The person who had to tell herself she didn’t love you to justify the A in her mind. And kept that myth going even after DDay. Because If shes going to admit she loves you, then that would mean she was a bad person for what she did. That she was the cause of so much pain in the heart of her husband.

But from your perspective, to me, it shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter either way. Because in the end, her actions, no matter what was in her mind or heart while she was doing it, they killed your marriage as you knew it. It will never be the same again. And it will take an incredible amount of work on her part to repair it. An almost impossible amount of effort to help you heal.

I recently started saying this on SI, and I think it applies to your case as well .... but I feel sometimes BS’s do things backwards. They tell the WS what they need to see happen and if it doesn’t, then after a certain amount of time they will end the marriage and file for divorce.

But the truth is, the marriage is over. Your wife slept with another man for a long time. She shared the best and most fun parts of any relationship with him, not you. They explored each other’s bodies and shared pillow talk after. They laughed and held each other, when she should have been doing that with you. She immediately ended your marriage by doing so every way but on paper.

And then her words following DDay drove the nails into your relationship’s coffin.

So instead of saying, you need to show me something thru your actions or else I’m leaving and filing, say “your actions have ended our M. I am filing for D and moving out.

If you can truly find in your heart that I am your soulmate and you want to spend your life with me, then prove it by starting from scratch. You are no longer my wife, and I will legally end the Marriage your actions killed.

If I’m the one for you then you will go and work on yourself and fix what was broken in you to allow you to do this to me and us. Once you’ve done that work and can show that you can be a safe partner, if you’re interested and I’m available at the time, then you can try and win my heart back.

But until then you are in no way a safe partner to me and words are cheap, actions are more valuable. I wish you luck on your journey, I’m starting mine with a new apartment and working on healing from the severe emotional wound you have placed on me. “

Then stop worrying about whether or not she’s still in the fog or if the bubble has burst. It doesn’t matter right now. She is no longer safe. If she’s gonna do the work to figure out her why’s she has to do that alone. Anything she does before fixing what was missing inside her is worthless to you.

And finally, the only way you’ll ever feel like you weren’t plan B is for her to start from scratch, not as your wife but from the beginning, as an acquaintance, trying to court you back Into a committed relationship someday. If she can do all that work to get you back after you divorced her, that effort might just make you feel like you were Plan A, and the POSOM was plan B. Anything less than that will probably leaving you feeling empty if you gave in to it, and wondering who the next AP will be that she’ll break your heart again with.

It’s only through feeling pride for the work she did to get you back after being left with nothing that you could perhaps fall back in love with the new woman she had become and create a new marriage to get her.

I wish you luck on this journey.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:52 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

I'm a BW and believe the "Fog" has become a crutch for a lot of BSs. It's almost like a safety blanket to hold onto that will stop your WS having felt any love for AP. I'm sorry but you only need to look in the Divorce/Separation forum to see plenty of examples where the WS left for the AP. IMO it's better to face the reality and fight the truth of the situation. In th case your wife loved the MOM but he threw her under the bus to reconcile with his wife and now she is facing up to starting a brand new life on her own and doesn't like it.

BTW the Fog also provides a handy excuse for bad behavior in the early days after discovery.

Anything goes wrong, blame the Fog, the WS attitude, behavior, answer, etc is wrong/off blame the Fog.

With regards to your house purchase, if you decide to go ahead I would actually rent until the divorce was settled, not to be beholden to my BS any more. Plus it would now be one new way to have to unravel during or after the divorce proceedings, seems like an unnecessary hassle to me

Excellent post

NotToday1971,

I got basically the same from my WW, she even wrote it in her journal which I found before she got rid of it...no lie, it struck me to the core, and I almost ate my Glock.

But some waywards do snap out of it, some sooner than others...mine took almost three months and having me hospitalized on deaths door step for her to wake up, but it does happen.

Your WW sounds like she honestly knows what she did was wrong and is wanting to make amends.

I can’t tell you what path is best for you, only you can decide that, but I do encourage you to take advantage of the materials in The Healing Library linked in the upper left corner of the page, and also to get both of you into IC.

Originally posted by Steven:

So do I believe in a FOG? Yes I do. But I wouldn’t call it that. Instead as others have alluded to, it’s that early relationship infatuation. That feeling you have at the beginning of dating someone. That you have to have them. And that they are perfect. And you want to be with this person as much as you can. That you want to devour them.

Perhaps you and your WW felt this when you first met. It’s connection based on pure attraction and little else until you get to know them.

With a normal monogamous relationship, that feeling fades and morphs into a true connection, a shared experience, living real life together. You start to share the quiet moments in between. That happens especially when you begin to live together or get married. There can still be romance but infatuation is no longer what it’s called. You know each other in a more real sense.

The problem is with and A, it never morphs. The dirtiness and secrecy keep the relationship in the infatuation stage much longer, perhaps for the total length of the A. It’s not based on reality. It fights reality. It’s anything but real life. No responsibility at all. And that’s what it’s so much more fun. The only downside can be guilt, but successful cheaters can push that down, way down, if they want to keep the fantasy going.

So yes I believe in such a thing. For most A’s. Even those that say “it was just sex”. Because that was the point. If it was going to be more than that there would have been paying joint bills and raising kids and pet responsibilities and taking care of each other’s parents. The just sex aspect is what made it so wonderful in their mind. Pure pleasure.

So NT1971, I can believe that your wife may eventually realize the person she became in the A. The person who had to tell herself she didn’t love you to justify the A in her mind. And kept that myth going even after DDay. Because If shes going to admit she loves you, then that would mean she was a bad person for what she did. That she was the cause of so much pain in the heart of her husband.

But from your perspective, to me, it shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter either way. Because in the end, her actions, no matter what was in her mind or heart while she was doing it, they killed your marriage as you knew it. It will never be the same again. And it will take an incredible amount of work on her part to repair it. An almost impossible amount of effort to help you heal.

I recently started saying this on SI, and I think it applies to your case as well .... but I feel sometimes BS’s do things backwards. They tell the WS what they need to see happen and if it doesn’t, then after a certain amount of time they will end the marriage and file for divorce.

But the truth is, the marriage is over. Your wife slept with another man for a long time. She shared the best and most fun parts of any relationship with him, not you. They explored each other’s bodies and shared pillow talk after. They laughed and held each other, when she should have been doing that with you. She immediately ended your marriage by doing so every way but on paper.

And then her words following DDay drove the nails into your relationship’s coffin.

So instead of saying, you need to show me something thru your actions or else I’m leaving and filing, say “your actions have ended our M. I am filing for D and moving out.

If you can truly find in your heart that I am your soulmate and you want to spend your life with me, then prove it by starting from scratch. You are no longer my wife, and I will legally end the Marriage your actions killed.

If I’m the one for you then you will go and work on yourself and fix what was broken in you to allow you to do this to me and us. Once you’ve done that work and can show that you can be a safe partner, if you’re interested and I’m available at the time, then you can try and win my heart back.

But until then you are in no way a safe partner to me and words are cheap, actions are more valuable. I wish you luck on your journey, I’m starting mine with a new apartment and working on healing from the severe emotional wound you have placed on me. “

Then stop worrying about whether or not she’s still in the fog or if the bubble has burst. It doesn’t matter right now. She is no longer safe. If she’s gonna do the work to figure out her why’s she has to do that alone. Anything she does before fixing what was missing inside her is worthless to you.

And finally, the only way you’ll ever feel like you weren’t plan B is for her to start from scratch, not as your wife but from the beginning, as an acquaintance, trying to court you back Into a committed relationship someday. If she can do all that work to get you back after you divorced her, that effort might just make you feel like you were Plan A, and the POSOM was plan B. Anything less than that will probably leaving you for him eeling empty if you gave in to it, and wondering who the next AP would be that she’d break your heart again with.

It’s only through feeling pride for the work she did to get you back after being left with nothing that you could perhaps fall back in love with the new woman she had become and create a new marriage to get her.

I wish you luck on this journey.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This

NotToday1971:

Your questions seem to be reaching for some answer to justify "R" with your WW. The answer is, there is nothing that she can do or say that "justifies" reconciliation. Period. "R" is a gift that you give. Period.

Whether you "R" or "D", there are things you can do as you take time to decide.

1. If you have not already done so, begin practicing the "180 technique." It set sets the tone you are taking.

2. Require that she (& you) get STD exams. It sets a tone.

3. No Sex with her. It will taken as a forgiveness by a judge.

4. DNA test your children whether they are dead ringers for you or not. This also sets a tone.

5. Require an exact timeline of the affair to be backed up by a polygraph. Polygraphs are still used by the government even though they are not admissible in court. This is the court of your heart. It also leads to admissions before the fact. And, it sets a tone.

6. Require that she write a letter stating that she asks for forgiveness from you and your children, and outlining what she will be doing to bring about "R". It sets a tone.

7. All electronics open with nothing that you cannot see at anytime. It sets a tone.

8. Have papers drawn up for a "post - nup" that she must sign. It sets a tone.

9. Have divorce papers drawn up that she will know are ready to be served at a moments notice. It sets a tone.

11. She should also understand that none of this guarantees that you are not going to divorce her anyway. If she balks at any of this, have her served immediately!

10. What is this tone that you are setting? It is that you are in entire control, that she is on the razor's edge, and that these are your requirements before you even consider reconciliation. Women are drawn to strength, courage, and decisive actions, and that is what she is going to see from now on in any relationship that she has with you from now on, whether it be be in reconciliation or divorce and co-parenting. Period!!

[This message edited by skerzoid at 1:42 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

I meant to add I'm not pro R or D, I think it depends on your individual situation and circumstances.

What I would say is look at everything with a clear head, look at actions not words. I'm currently separated, I've not made a final decision yet that's what works for me. You need to do what's best for YOU not your wife.

The fog - like I said, an easy excuse for both WS and BS to hide behind. YMMV.

The fog is another term for disrespect.

It's not some wierd phenomenon that clouds thinking, of course a loyal spouse meets someone and a cloudy haze envelopes them where they don't think straight and are doing things out of character.

The truth is just like everyone is capable of telling a lie, anyone is capable of betrayal.

What your wife told you is probably the truth. She loved the OM and likely if the conditions were right would have run off with him. But the conditions are rarely right for cheating, hence a lot of hiding, in your case 2 kids and no real exit plan for both of them, so they just enjoyed the moments for as long as they lasted.

Back to respect. It took until last possible minute when your wife saw you were not joking about divorce. Do not confuse this with respect.

Do not confuse this with love either.

The reality is your wife has nowhere to go, not to mention she has 2 kids and will have to start a new life as a divorced woman and most likely have to explain why she got divorced. Not a nice thought. So what is easier? Telling you everything was a mistake, she really loves you, the sex wasn't great etc etc.

You confuse that for respect or love you are in trouble. She is a grown woman but she has ruined her own life, financially she has also ruined yours. She doesn't respect you financially, she doesn't respect you morally, emotionally.

Do not confuse what she said as contrition, it's now survival mode for her.

Ever hear of a lawyer use the “Fog” explaination in court?

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury my client was living in a fantasy land of “Fog” and thus......”

Some would say temporary insanity fits the Fog description. Not sure how a year long sex fest fits with the definition of temporary.

IMO if the BS wants to stay with their cheater bad enough, then the Fog is part of their narrative. Something they can grasp onto. To make not leaving a bit easier to swallow.

Will she keep thinking about him, lusting after him, ect for months or years to come ?

How would you ever know? If she was thinking of him while having sex with you, why would she tell you? What is in it for her to admit it? Telling you the truth earlier of her feelings for the OM did not work out so well. So she has now learned not to do that.

Cheaters are by nature selfish, dishonest, and manipulative.

She got dumped.

She is going to adopt whatever position she must, and say whatever she can, to keep you around. To avoid the consequences of her horrid actions.

My advice, detach. Physically and emotionally. Try to get clarity without being constantly triggered by her presence. Or manipulated by her words.

My heart breaks for you.

My ex described it as the OW chased him for a year. Begging him for sex. The attention was exciting. They shared a secret. They fed each other’s egos. It was a fantasy land where neither of them were married, no one had bills to pay or laundry to do. Of course it’s exciting to be chased. He is addicted to that feeling. I gave him almost a year in Reconciliation and caught him signed up on a dating site.

Can your wife change? Sure. Does it sound like it has happened? No. It sounds like he went back to his wife and now she has to get herself together. Can she fall back in love with you? Sure, but ask yourself this... right now are behaving in a loving way.... would you be falling all over you? It sounds like she is in a panic to save face. Saving the marriage takes work and time.

Can she forget the great sex with her AP? Have you had great sex with someone? Do you still think about it? You could always work to improve your own sex life down the road but often people were having an active sex life at home during an affair. Keep in mind when people cheat, it’s all about the cheater, not about the spouse.

If I were you, I would continue with the plan you have. Let her work on herself. Right now she might fall for the next man coming along willing to give her any attention. Give yourself some space.

Nottoday

The thing is, it felt like love. It felt like we were soulmates. Even after I ended the A, I felt like I let “the one” get away. I was so miserable until I decided to troll her FB page. Not three months later, she found her new soulmate! She was on a beach looking happy as a clam. It was at that moment that the fog was blown away.

It was very sobering to see who she really was for the first time. It was crushing to realize what I had done. I had betrayed my family and myself for what?

So perhaps she is telling you the truth now. Or she could be in complete self preservation mode. Only you will be able to tell for sure. By. Her. Actions. I do think it a good idea to get away from her provided it doesn’t cause you legal complications if you D. It will probably be easy for her in the beginning to be a model WW. But what happens 6-12-24 months down the road will be the true indicator of how she feels.

Great posts from alot of smart people.

I would just say that you are so early to this, at 60 days out I was a complete confused mess. The fact that you had enough will to at least go and talk to an attorney and start to get your ducks in a row says alot about how strong you are, even though you don't feel that way right now.

The place you are at in your grieving process right now is the bargaining stage, your are trying to find some way to be able to somehow scrape this totally toxic twisted thing into a place where it might not be "so bad". You might be able to "understand" it. Possibly even forgive it.

Keep only working on you, keep going to an IC or get one if you are not. This stuff is truly deep and sick and it will take you down that rabbit hole if you let it.

You will get to a place some day where you will understand much better what everyone is trying to say here. Its not the FOG so much as it is what kind of character trait does your wife have that allows her to make destructive choices? Yes this was a 1 year affair, you guys have been together for 25 yrs. Have there been other issues during your marriage? Has she made selfish choices previously that you may have swept under the rug to keep the peace in the marriage?

The affair is generally the tip of the iceberg. Its a big tip, don't get me wrong, generally speaking most partners don't just hop into bed with someone, this behavior or sense of "I deserve this" and not seeing the bigger picture of how one is destroying a whole family has been there previously and in other ways. She would need YEARS of therapy to even begin to understand why she has done what she has done, not just reading a few books or going on YouTube.

Two more cents on the fog...

IMO, "The Fog" is not a "thing." But I believe that "foggy thinking" IS a thing. I was "thinking foggy" because, during the A, I wasn't operating in reality. Instead, I was existing in an alternate universe of my own creation. A "fog" didn't mysteriously overcome me, MAKING me think and act like an idiot. I was grounded in affair land, which is far, far away from anyone's version of reality, so everything I was doing and thinking and expecting was skewed.

I am NOT defending your WW. At all. In the thick of it, though, I probably would have quickly answered your questions the same way - because I was "thinking foggy." I was not married at the time of my A with XMM, nor did I have a significant other. But that doesn't change the fact that I wasn't thinking and behaving like my typical intelligent, compassionate, morally on-keel self.

Since the A ended many years ago, I can't tell you how many times I've thought back with dismay and heartache at my foggy thinking and its consequences.

You know your WW. You have context that we don't. You'll make the right decision for you and I wish you peace in doing that!

Sorry I posted and vanished, I had to put kids to bed.

That being said I don't feel like battling 100 posters on this topic.

I can only speak for myself and what I felt. If you have never experienced it, it's hard to explain. Is it an excuse? No. And I take full responsibility for my actions. Every affair is different. Mine was highly emotional and sexual. The first few weeks I remember feeling like I was floating through life. I was high on the endorphins.

In my four month affair I did things I never thought I would do (and haven't done since). People who knew me thought something was wrong with me. I had to come clean to my boss because I was afraid she would think I was on drugs.

Do you watch reality TV? You know where people are locked in a house or on an island away from reality and they fall in love with other members on the show like in 10 days? An affair is like that. You are in a bubble. The secrecey makes it more intense. Your only focus is you and your AP with no outside influence. There is a sense of urgency because you never know when you can see each other and for how long. Your means of communication are limited and you are always on high alert.

During all this your mind also has to continue living your regular life. It's a very surreal way to live. I could barely do it for 4 months.

I can't speak for your wife. I don't know the state of your marriage prior to the affair. But I do think when reality sets in it is a huge wake up call. You can see and think clearer.

I do think the best solution is time apart and watching her behavior from a distance.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 6:46 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

NT1971, I do agree with Steven and other posters above that it sounds like you are grasping at straws trying to find some way of believing that what she told you ("I liked sex with him better than you") was because she was in some kind of trance or hypnosis.

Even under the best of circumstances, "the fog" is used by Waywards to describe a bundle of things going on with them that led them to fall in love in a highly dysfunctional way, with a highly dysfunctional lover, in circumstances that were illogical and self-destructive. My issue with this is that people do that kind of thing all the time when single, but single people never use "the fog" as an excuse. They own up to the reality that they made decisions and they take the blame for their decisions.

I get it that an A becomes a sort of "bubble" from reality. The WW and the POSOM only see one another for fleeting stolen moments, where the rush of endorphines and the infatuation of new sex can remain constant. But I again go back to the fact that this occurs with single people, too, for example people in busy lives dating somebody who lives inconveniently far away, so that each time they are together it feels new. But single people never use "the fog" to describe this. They might use "infatuation" or "lack of reality". The only difference where a married person does it is that she makes the decision to lie to her husband about what she is doing. There is no "fog" to the lying. That is outside of the bubble. That is back in the "reality" part of life. That is where she is choosing and deciding who is Plan A and who is Plan B.

Your WW took a lover. That is reality. She made thousands of decisions to betray you, to lie to you, to sneak around and fuck another man. She invested time and energy and probably family money into this. She unwittingly exposed you to STD's. She risked blowing up your family. All for the opportunity to be with her lover sexually, whom she preferred over you.

There is no question that you are Plan B. "The fog" is her panic button now that she realizes her lover is not going to make her dreams come true and leave his wife to marry her, but the security of her home is also at risk.

As to the details, you should know as much of the detail as you want to know. The A created an intimacy hole in the continuum of your marriage. She shared intimacy with the POSOM that she concealed from you. She knows these details, but you do not. I personally believe a BS cannot recover from an A unless he knows what he is recovering from.

I suggest you read "Joseph's Letter" in The Healing Forum (yellow box, top left of the page) and have her read it.

Keep in mind that her default in terms of dealing with you has been to lie, sneak, hide, conceal. That also won't change overnight. Making her share the details restores the intimacy continuum of your marriage. No matter how painful they may be, most BS's feel that the pain of not knowing, and imagining, is worse. Further, it might be the first time she is honest with you about it.

Revisit her decision thread in the 24 hours before/after the first time she fucked the dude. What lie did she decide to tell you about where she was. What outfit did she decide to wear for the sex. What sex acts did she decide to perform with him? Why? What lie did she tell you when she next saw you. Why did she decide to lie to you.

Note the repeated use of the word "decide". There was no fog. There were decisions she was making to choose him over you. Regardless whether it was based on fantasy, they were her decisions and she ought to own them.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:25 AM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

The “fog” is a bullshit term. Please don’t use it. We are talking about adults making adult decisions. Funny how they refer to “the fog” once they are caught.

Now, back to your specific situation. She made some pretty specific statements about her affair initially. As a man (and a woman, I guess) it is hard to stomach that your WW would describe sex with her scumbag AP as better than the sex she has with you and that she loved him more than you. Divorce her.

From all of my reading and watching videos I think the best explanation of the fog are the feelings one gets at the beginning of a relationship while falling in love. I remember these feelings from falling in love with other girls and women when I was much younger. It is infatuation.

So far I think the fog is infatuation.

Can infatuation last a year ? Yes, probably.

The thing is I remember having fantastic sex during the infatuation phase and really truly feeling like I loved the woman I was with at the time.

I went through a phase where I dated a bunch of women in a row when I was much younger and had intense relationships that lasted little more than three months that would end because I got bored with them. During those 90 day relationships I told a few of them I loved them and had great sex with them then dumped them when I got bored. That is my understanding of the fog so far.