SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey Broken, sorry you are here and we are glad this site has provided you with support and at least some clarity. This site has helped many people, including myself and many want to help pay it forward.

As for your cheating partner, you would have to think that this was planned. She gets to go back home, and like someone else suggested probably where you old love was. And if its true that everyone that she has been with in the past has cheated on her, and she fell back into his arms, that right there tells you shes broken. Finally finds an honest man, who helps to father her addict daughter, and physically incapable mother, and she throws that all away.

As you'll find here, often times the betrayed, partner/spouse did too much. Keeping things together, working/providing, household things b/c we do it out of love. In a good partnership, it should be fairly equal. We often times enable these weak and childish individuals without knowing b/c we do it out of honor and true love, than to find out that loyal and love is not true on their side.

I will also say that often times, if you on here enough you'll see new betrayed individuals that come to this site get advice that seems harsh. There are many times that they ask for advice and dont heed it to their detriment. Often times the advice is much better than that coming from a counselor b/c the collective experience on here are from individuals that have gone thru this mess, and are either still in it, or past it. Everyone thinks that their situation is unique, and really, its not. Just like investigators look for similar traits and have a way of reviewing clues in serial killing, its really the same thing here with Cheaters. Yes, you may have some individual uniqueness in every situation, but the reasons for cheating and how they go about hiding it and than afterwards how they behave is pretty text book.

In your case, all her friends that were on the email that you accidentally received, they are not your friends. Consider them enemies to your relationship, and you should not engage them or believe anything they have to say going forward. They knowingly helped your partner hide the cheating. Cut them out of your life whether you choose to stay or not, that should be a condition for you and your girlfriend going forward. Why would you want backstabbers in your life any longer.

Also, I'd advise seeking legal counsel in your situation. You live in a Red State, those laws might be more friendly in a separation from a domestic partner if it goes down that route. Also, now that she was gifted a house, and she has moved in with the new boyfriend, make sure you find a way to legally document that. You should be off the hook for any future support payments b/c she has moved on and moved in with a new boyfriend.

Lastly just something to consider...you are all alone in a place with no close family and friends. You've just found out your partner/girlfriend who you've done so much for for her daughter and mother just screwed you over. Her friends, we've already noted are not on your side. That is a lot of baggage to overcome. You can still keep in contact with your non biological grandkids if you want, but why waste anymore of your precious time and money on someone who has shown you that they are not a capable adult, and is so selfish. At 60, do you really want to support her with your retirement?

I don't think I can get past this betrayal. I only hope this doesn't ruin future possibilities of love. A couple of members have said they are in the reconciliation process. I don't think I have enough trust left in me!

It seems like only a new fresh start with someone who hasn't cheated on me will work. Try thinking about losing what you thought was the love of your life and face the prospect of starting over at 60. Moving back to Florida will be tough! What about that grand kids that are not biological that you love very much, that will for all practical purposes be out of your life if you move away. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. This healing process is going to be a long ardous task.

I would only recommend R to those that had a lot of happy years together, those that have young children and where this was the first time for WS to cheat.

In your case, no way. You probably only knew her history from what she told you. People like to wax the car, change the oil, flush the antifreeze, reset the computer/check engine light....right before they sell you a that POS!

Now, do the 180. File for divorce. Work on you and your hobbies. Stay busy, Get into church if you believe in God. Be the best man that you can be and always with INTEGRITY. Remember to check the next woman out really good before you test drive. She may have been wrecked or went through a hurricane.

I don't think I have enough trust left in me!

^^^(((gently)))

You can not R with her while she is living with the OM.

You can find love again. You can.

But take time to heal.

You are enough !!

I don't think I can get past this betrayal. I only hope this doesn't ruin future possibilities of love.

You will get past it. The pain is fresh and raw but you will heal in time. And the future possibility of love is totally dependent on you, and whether or not you decide to extend yourself out there again.

A couple of members have said they are in the reconciliation process. I don't think I have enough trust left in me!

Reconciliation is only possible when both parties are willing to work equally on rebuilding. You don't have that. What you have is a WW who is shacked up with another man and trying to keep you around as her plan B.

It seems like only a new fresh start with someone who hasn't cheated on me will work.

That is you best bet. Right now your WW is your worst bet.

Try thinking about losing what you thought was the love of your life and face the prospect of starting over at 60.

Look at it from the other direction: you have an opportunity to start afresh and to re-mould yourself into a new man. For the past ten years you have been caring for other people. Now you have a chance to do great things for yourself.

And there is no such thing as "love of your life". That is a bunch of romantic hoo-ha. People come in and out of our lives. We love them, hope for the best, but sometimes we have to let them go. That's just life. No guarantees.

Moving back to Florida will be tough!

Yes, but exciting too. You have options now that you didn't have while you were carrying around all that dead weight.

What about that grand kids that are not biological that you love very much, that will for all practical purposes be out of your life if you move away.

Not true. These days you have cell phones, internet, social media, Skype, Facebook...so many ways to keep in touch with your adopted grandkids. You can still be there for them to talk to and call any time they need your guidance.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

Yes you are. Take one day at a time.

This healing process is going to be a long ardous task.

Yes it will. But at the end of it, if you take the time to learn about how not to fall into these kinds of relationship traps, you will come out the other side a stronger and wiser man.

I can't believe the the amount of time that some of the members of this site spend helping us newbies. A couple of members ( I won't mention names) have been truly exceptional in their advice. To spend the time it takes to write a very long responses to people who are strangers is priceless. Trust me the time you spend is not wasted and greatly appreciated. At first three months since D-Day seemed like a long time but as I read other stories I believe I am in for a long road to healing.

Got the call I've been expecting this morning! Amazing how "just friends" went to "I love him" in a little over ninety days. Amazing how someone can say "I'll love you forever" and yet be in love with the other man. This is going to be long dark period. I'm trying to follow the advice I've been getting on here, but when your in this kind of pain it's really hard. I know I need to shut off all contact, but a good part of it is initiated by the w/s. Why would she continue to contact and tell me she loves me?

B60

Here is my suggestion. If you want to continue to live in crazy town then keep in contact w/ the X.

If you want to start your healing process never speak to her again. No contact. No calls or texts or chats or any interaction.

By continuing to have contact you are allowing her to manipulate you again and again. She says she loves you?

Do you cheat on people YOU love? Do YOU lie to people you love? The answer is “no”.

In the last 90 days she has destroyed your life. Why you continue to allow her to do that makes no sense.

Please stop having any contact. It will benefit you in the long run.

I know the advice to cease all contact with w/s is the right thing to do, but it's just so hard to let go of a relationship that was the most important thing in your life for the last 12 years. I will heed the advice because I Know you are steering me in the right direction. I know it's time to try to start healing. I have put off seeking counseling but it looks like it may be time. I thought I could tough it out but it's really starting to get the best of me.

I know the advice to cease all contact with w/s is the right thing to do, but it's just so hard to let go of a relationship that was the most important thing in your life for the last 12 years

If you can't cut off all contact YOUwill just keep yourself bound up in this mess.

She wants to be friends to help alieviate herself from the guilt around her actions. This will be at your expense if you allow it.

Just like you can't make her do anything she can't make you stay in this either. That is your choice.

Zero contact is you're only good path

Brokenheart60, do you agree that actions speak louder than words? If so, then look at her words right now. She's saying she loves you, YET, she is still with this OM. Does that not speak volumes of contradiction?

Cut off all contact with her. If she isn't moving and acting to work her way back to you then she really isn't being true to her words. Words are cheap. Actions give it value. Thus, she saying all these thing not for your benefit but for her own.

(((Brokenheart))) Like many others on this site, I've been where you are. You are so early on, yet I can sense the strength and determination inside of you. I know that in a few years, you have the opportunity to be happier than you've been in years. People told me that when I was a few months out, and I didn't believe them, but it was 100% true. I've been divorced nearly 7 years and have remade my life to what it always should have been, including finding a new love who is the kindest man I have ever met. And everything else has also fallen into place - I had no friends at D-Day as he'd isolated me. Hundreds came to last year's birthday party. Dream house, dream job, etc. When you embrace life, the possibilities really are limitless.

Please take the advice given by others and go NC. As much NC as possible. Don't invent reasons why you "need" to talk to her. That is the path to peace and happiness. I know it's hard. You've spent over a decade with her as your go-to person; near constant communication. To cut that off feels so weird. But it is necessary. Most of us take far too long to learn to really go NC. Please learn from our mistakes!

One of the best behavior change methods is to make your goal visible, and to reward yourself. Grab an extra calendar you've got laying around, or print something off of the internet. Every day you stay NC, put a mark in the calendar. Have pre-determined rewards for hitting different milestones. For me, that might be a massage for 3 days NC, concert tickets for a week NC, a new pair of running shoes for a month, etc. Whatever is reinforcing to you. Maybe you only get to eat dessert on a day with NC.

You mention being lonely/bored, and let me second what someone else said about keeping busy. Try different things - you don't need to keep them as hobbies. Bonus if it gets you out of the house and meeting new people. Also try to do something athletic. Right after D-Day, I ran a lot, did a ton of yoga, took up painting, started inviting acquaintances out for coffee, and said yes to every single invite thrown my way. Go to book readings, or movies, or basketball games at the local college. There are so many fun things going on and even though I frequently didn't feel like doing something, I was always glad when I did.

You've got this. I know it's scary. Some of my closest friends have met their life partners in their 60s and 70s. It's way too early for you to be thinking about that, but demographics are on your side for finding a nice lady :) You've got this! NC NC NC NC NC NC NC and work on yourself to become a whole and fabulous person!

To : phmh - Thank you for the kind words. Nothing like the voice of experience to help guide me through this difficult time. I began no contact yesterday and will try to be strong. When you love someone as much as I did something like this knocks you on your butt! Trying to heal, move forward and start over seems daunting now and will need all the encouragement i can get. People like yourself really make a difference! Thanks again for the words of encouragement. SURVIVOR STRONG!

There are several reasons why she tries to maintain contact with you, and none of them are in your best interest.

First, she feels guilty for being a cheating bitch. She's an asshole and she knows you know that. Despite the fact that she has left you for another man, your good opinion of her still has value to her. She wants you to forgive her and be okay with what she did so that she can rest easier at night. It's all about assuaging her bad feelings. She could care less about the agony you are going through.

Second, she wants o keep you on the hook in case loverboy dumps her, which he probably will at some point. Women crave security, so they make sure they have safe harbors to go to in case their lives go south in them. She's wants you to stick around as a soft landing pad.

Third, on a social level she knows that the people who know about what she has done are looking askance at her. If she can get you to be friends with her and forgive her, then she can re-write your relationship as one that was doomed to fail from the beginning, and that both you and her have move on to new phases in your lives.But you will always love each other and cherish the time you spent together and ....bleccccch! You know the speech.

Anyway, don't give her any of these things. In fact go the opposite direction. Make sure everyone who knows the two of you are aware of what a lying, cheating, backstabbing piece of crap she is.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 12:33 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]

Still adhering to no contact decision. She has texted twice in what seems an attempt to determine why contact had been cut off. This was really tough do! I know its the right thing but your heart has a way of weakening your resolve. Time seems to drag on and on, when in the past it seemed to fly by! Is it too soon to start thinking of seeing someone else? Would that be a big mistake considering my state of mind regarding this last relationship? Would it be doomed from the start? Has anyone else moved on to someone else after about 3 and a half months?

Bh60

I’d recommend you actually take the extra step of blocking her from your phone and Facebook and any other method you use to communicate. Google it if you don’t know how.

Remove her from your life in this way. “Ghost” her.

She’s still living with the OM. That’s not someone you need to be in contact with for any reason.

If you feel you have to say something before you do, I do t recommend it, but if you do, keep it short. Something like:

Youve decided I am no longer your one and only love and therefore I no longer want to be in contact with you.

Then block her. If she wants to start repairing the relationship (not just as friends) she can reach you thru the daughter.

If you want to keep contact with the daughter or grandkids, do so, but make it clear you will not see them if she is gonna be there.

Stay strong.

Bh60 you need to start training your brain to think of her as your ex-wife. She essentially fired you from the role as her husband, so all the benefits of being your wife are now null and void for her.

You should no longer allow her to have unfettered access to you. If her texts are not about the divorce then you should not be talking to her or responding at all.

B60

We have all been in your position. We are recommending no contact because it will protect you from having to live as the “third person” in your marriage. It will stop the Affair from being thrown in your face again and again.

It also starts to set a time that she can not control you. You see, the cheater believes they have the power in the marriage or relationship. The cheater views the Betrayed spouse as weak. As you are trying to talk and support and understand the cheater - unfortunately it is viewed by the cheater as you being weak.

No contact sersxa new dynamic. One, you are not allowing the cheater to call the shots. Second, it allows the Betrayed spouse to start to appear as being in control of their life.

And last, you can start to view the situation with a bit more.l clarity over time.

BrokenHeart,

We know you are in a very difficult situation. You must Keep the Faith with NO CONTACT!!!!!

I haven't posted in a while. Try as I might to adhere to NC, she showed up at my house to "talk". Seems like she has alot of what she perceives as value reasons for the betrayal. I wasnt attentive enough,not enough intimacy,too many arguments and had let myself go, as in not dressing to an acceptable standard. I've been on the site long enough to realize these excuses for betrayal come right of the cheater's handbook. Still really painful to hear someone you once loved unconditionally. I really believe she doesn't get that what she did was wrong or just genuinely wanted out and knew this would be the deal breaker. Seems so cowardly! Why not just just say what my short comings we're and leave? I guess that takes courage.