SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ganondorf posted:

I wish she was capable of understanding how much damage she's caused, but she probably never will unless it happens to her.

You're looking at this the wrong way.

She just doesn't care. You are a resource to be utilized.

I wish she was capable of understanding how much damage she's caused, but she probably never will unless it happens to her.

Yeah, about that..... WS usually do not score high on empathy when they are off screwing around.... would not bet on her realising this.

I don't really have friends here either.

Unless you are in a tier 4 or tier 5 city, and you do not speak the language, it wold be good to start making some friends. Anyone stationed overseas should always mingle with the 'locals', or what is the point of having an overseas posting? Apart from doing your job, you have to learn about the local cultures and people. This will increase your professional value.

Also it's just I've given up on quite a few important things way too easily and regret it. Just want to make sure I don't feel regret in this situation.

So, how do you minimise your regret? By making sure you learn from it... You will still have regret, but that is normal.

As for detached... I'm mostly fine. It's mostly when she sends a message that I panic.

The you are not detached. Once your reach detachment, you will not feel anything form those messages.

I'm also fixating on the divorce which is causing anxiety.

Breathe, and focus on the end goal. Anxiety is usually caused by fear of the unknown. Read up, educate yourself on the process. List down a clear and concise process you need to take to reach that end goal. One step at a time.....

Also mind movies have started. Meh

They will always be there, but over time, they will not be front and center.

I made this topic as a way of posting my own story, hopefully to help someone else.

(edit) I'll keep posting here until it's done (/edit)

@faithfulman I'm not sure how I feel about that statement.

@RocketRaccoon

Oh I definitely agree that she scores lows on the empathy/compassion scale.

friends

I have a growing social circle here. They're friends in a sense but perhaps only one of them is someone I'd keep in contact with if I left. I generally prefer to do things with my wife or alone. I've never felt lonely until recently.

regret

Yeah, that's my attitude as well.

anxiety is caused by fear of the unknown

Yeah, in a way.

I think the deepest cut is going to be the divorce. That's going to be the thing that hurts me the most. But I'm not really sure. So I get very anxious, because I have to think about the divorce every time I talk or think of her.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 8:17 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

I am going to quote from your first post here:

I’ll start by saying our relationship has been very toxic. I personally feel that while we both have our own set of issues, the ones she brings to the table are what make everything a lot worse. She’s very selfish, inconsiderate, and has poor communication skills. I usually put others before me, I’m very empathetic. I guess my communication skills are ok, but sometimes I can become very withdrawn when I feel like I’m not being heard. I’m not easy, but she quickly becomes impossible.

Gently, is this a relationship you really want back, especially as she will now be bringing OM child into the marriage?

You can post in the Reconciliation forum, but the reality is that you are not in the R process. She wants a divorce. Can you get into IC for yourself to find out why you so desperately want to save this admittedly toxic relationship?

@Odonna

Gently, is this a relationship you really want back, especially as she will now be bringing OM child into the marriage?

Part of me, yes. Though I don't really know, and I know time will likely give me a different perspective.

You can post in the Reconciliation forum, but the reality is that you are not in the R process. She wants a divorce. Can you get into IC for yourself to find out why you so desperately want to save this admittedly toxic relationship?

Ok. Any suggestions for which forum? Or should I just continue here?

I've been doing some IC for a few weeks now. It's helped me gain some clarity for sure. So I'm dealing with everything better.

I definitely need to spend some time thinking about what made this relationship toxic. That's hard for me as well. Because I know we both meant well. If I could have a healthy relationship with her, that would make me really happy...

... but I'm not afraid that I can't have a healthy one with someone else either. Even though right now, while I'm still in the middle of this, it's somewhat of scary thought.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 6:45 AM, July 1st (Monday)]

I think the deepest cut is going to be the divorce. That's going to be the thing that hurts me the most. But I'm not really sure. So I get very anxious, because I have to think about the divorce every time I talk or think of her.

Yup, it will hurt, and it will stay with you for quite a while. How long? That will depend on how long you want to stay hurt.

You seem to be of two minds regarding divorce. Why is that?

If a close friend of yours was going through the same situation as you were, what would your advice be? Would you ask your close friend to stay with someone who committed a heinous crime against them?

Any suggestions for which forum? Or should I just continue here?

As you are undecided, I think you can continue here, as the story has not gotten a clear path yet. Have you gotten all there is to know about her A?

If you are hell bent on D, then start a thread in the D/S section by all means, if you feel comfortable in JFO, then stay.

I definitely need to spend some time thinking about what made this relationship toxic. That's hard for me as well. Because I know we both meant well. If I could have a healthy relationship with her, that would make me really happy...

I thought you were going to mindfuck yourself, then I read this

... but I'm not afraid that I can't have a healthy one with someone else either.

Chug along, you seem to be doing good, and your mind is not scattered.

@Rocket

I already have a topic in the D/S section.

It looks like I have my answer and there's nothing to stall the divorce.

She can do everything she needs to on her own. So I have no need to sign anything. I feel relieved and comfortable going forward knowing that.

The divorce is what she wants. R is what I want. But I can't force her to R and don't want a false R. So divorce is in my best interest even though it's not what I want. That's why I'm split. I guess I feel like, a divorce is once again giving her what she wants... but at the same time, I can see how a divorce will benefit me, even if it's not what I want.

As for a friend... probably would tell him to GTFO. Which is also why I'm able to even though it's hurting me. It's definitely different when you're not in the storm.

As for getting to know all there was to know, I wasn't interested in the details of what they did. Just the time frame and that it was both physical, emotional, and that she wants out. The details would just cause more pain. The one detail she mentioned on her own is already causing enough pain.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 8:50 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

You are fixated on the word "divorce".

Substitute the word "freedom".

Free to live your own life.

Free to stop worrying about what she is or will be doing. Not your problem.

Free to move on.

Free to determine your future and not consider her in the decision.

Freedom from a lying, cheating woman who is carrying another man's child.

Freedom to never talk to or contact her again.

You need distance and freedom. One day you will suddenly realize that you have not thought about her or what she did for a couple of days. Then for a couple of weeks. Then for over a month. Then you thoughts will turn inward and you will wonder why you did not rid yourself of her toxins sooner.

Eventually you will think back on this time with indifference.