What follows is my opinion. Some of what I write will be in the form of directives because it's easier to write that way. Don't forget that the directives come from opinions.
But these are facts: I know very, very little about you. I know nothing about your W other than what you've written. No one here knows any more than you tell us.
Did your W and om stop at petting? Maybe. Probably not. Does it make a difference? If my W had stopped at petting, I don't think I'd be better off, so I don't think the answer makes a difference.
Is your W holding back relevant info? Probably. Does it make a difference? If you want D, it doesn't. If you want or may want R, it most definitely does.
*****
There are very few rules for recovering from infidelity. D is right for some; R is right for others.
IC/therapy can help, if you work with a good IC. Not all ICs are competent, and an incompetent one can damage you.
Early MC can help - it helped me immensely - but generally MC is better left until healing has taken hold. Most MCs treat the M, though, and the M didn't fail - the WS did.
Lawyering up is probably a good idea in most cases, but it's unnecessary in others.
Polygraph is essential for some people, useless for others.
STI/STD testing is essential in most cases, but not all.
One rule is you're better off if you give up trying to control the outcome - both D & R can be good choices. You can do D yourself, but R takes 2, and you can't control your WS.
One probable rule is this: BSes who take control of themselves seem to do better than BSes who attend to messages they've taken in during their lives - message like 'you must do ____ when you've been betrayed. BSes do better when they focus on getting what they want than on appearances.
Another probable rule is that communicating with your WS is essential if R is something you're considering. The communication will probably result in more pain, but your WS's responses are data that help you make the D/R decision.
A sub-rule is that communicating about a written timeline probably is a good indicator of the WS's suitability for R.
*****
Forget your W for a few moments. You're probably in shock. An immense amount of grief, anger, fear, and shame have been dumped on you. You've been traumatized. You probably aren't in the best shape to make long term decisions.
The most important project facing you right now is recovering from being betrayed. That's a long term project, but starting on it will help tremendously.
Start by taking care of yourself - drink water, cut out alcohol and other drugs, eat what you can that's healthy, sleep a close to a healthy amount as possible, move your body.
I recommend observing yourself as you work through recovery - notice your feelings, notice the volatility of your thoughts and feelings, feel the emotions and let them go. Keep your head above water, and ride the waves. If you want help, find a good IC.
A lot of us feel like we're on a roller coaster. I felt that, and I also felt as if I was surrounded by, say, bees, with each bee coming at me with contradictory thoughts that I had to deal with right then.
The roller coaster was gaining acceptance of being betrayed. The bombardment by bees ... in fact, I didn't have to respond immediately. I had to let them come, and I had to get help (from a good IC) to sort them out and make some sense of my new reality. I think you have to do the same.
As you deal with the thoughts, feelings, and resistance to taking care of yourself, you will probably get some idea of what you want. That's critical - if you want to D, you can save yourself a lot of effort in the short term.
If you think you may want to R, you then need to think about your requirements for R, and you need to monitor your W to see if she's a candidate for R.
*****
Don't think you can control the outcome. You need to be yourself and to act in your own best interests. There's no guarantee you can get exactly what you want - but if you don't act to get what you want, you almost definitely won't get it.
Forget pride. Forget the insult. Figure out what you want, whether you think it's attainable or not. Then identify the best outcome you can reasonably hope for, and go for it.
If you make mindful choices based on what you want, you will survive and thrive, whether you D or R.
If you make choices out of fear or out of wanting to appease others (especially if the 'others' are voices in your head), you'll survive, but I doubt that you'll thrive.
*****
Unless you know you want D, give yourself some time to figure out what you want. R won't work unless your W is, in fact, remorseful and willing to do the necessary work. Finding out if she's a good candidate for R takes some months of observation by you and of consistent work by her.
[This message edited by sisoon at 2:31 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]
