SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ISSF, you are always a voice that speaks evenly, and I don’t think anyone was hinting that you were speaking against a WS community that works to better its members.

The reason I’m still pitching into the conversation on the subject is because the WS side of this website is rarely perceived as “safe” IMO. I’m going to indulge myself in a rare moment of defense to point out that I was misquoted by BL. I didn’t say anything about talking about the A ruining my day- This place is the only venue I have to talk about it.

And it touches a nerve because, quite honestly, this is something I haven’t seen a WS do on JFO- Which further tacitly reinforces that we do acknowledge the pain of BSs, both on this website and in our real lives.

This is a website where one can only use words. And I think we’ve fairly consistently stated and agreed that words can’t get a couple to R. As such, WSs bring our words to narrowly discuss specific individual issues related to either individual or relationship issues. If we were to write out every omitted/assumed thought, every post would be pages long.

So to wrap it up I know a lot of people here who are somewhat fatigued by being dogpiled after being challenged to prove a negative. Don’t know how else to phrase it. I guess my fix would be nothing but stop signs. And I don’t want that. I don’t want readers to take my posts personally- I want to help them think through problems and gain a clearer perspective.

How do I bring up that I am having a really difficult day with terrible parts of the affair replaying through my head without it ruining whatever he’s enjoying in that moment?

First, Dont assume that being 100% open to your husband would ruin his day or the moment. Intimacy takes on many forms and having a heartfelt conversation about the good, the bad and the ugly is the first step to rebuilding trust. If you want your husband to trust you, then learn to trust him. Trust that he will understand the difference between your conscience bothering you and pining for the AP.

HOWEVER, if you are in the MIDDLE of intimacy, I would think that the importance of the moment would override any need to say "Honey please remove your head from my ass so that we can talk about the terrible parts of my affair".

Dont do that.

Edit. You should not have taken that bait. I understood the opening post to be an AUTHENTIC request for help from a WS with a conscience . I am quite sure your husband would appreciate any assistance you receive in resolving this issue.

Iamtrash, I’m a FBW and don’t actually know all of the phases that a wayward spouse goes through so I’m not sure that this will be as helpful but I found that EMDR was of immeasurable help with my intrusive thoughts. If you don’t know what that is you can ask your ic or google it.

I imagine that facing the reality of who you’ve been and how you’ve hurt someone you love could be considered a trauma. EMDR helps with trauma.

I wish you good luck.

IAT,

I still feel like moving through the shame is somehow “forgetting” or forgiving what I have done to my BH. As much as I hate what I did, I feel like this is a scar. When you look at the scar, you never forget what caused it and it reminds you not to do it again. It worries me that losing the shame takes away from the motivation to change. Or that not keeping the shame makes the BS feel like you’ve forgotten the damage you’re capable of.

I think the better way to look at it is, do not forget the shame, just don't let the negative side control you forever.

As with everything, Shame can be both good and bad. The good side is that it makes you think twice about doing the same thing that brought the shame in the first place. The bad side is that it prevents you from doing the right things also.

The scar analogy is good, in that a scar will always remain, but it will also dissipate over time. The scar will never fully heal, as you will always see traces of it, but it will not longer be that big angry red mark. It may dissipate until you cannot see it anymore, but when you run your fingers over the area, you can feel it, enough to remind you that it is still there.

So, do not entirely forget the shame, just don't hold onto it like a (perverse) comfort blanket. To forget it entirely can lead you on a path that will take you back to shame again. By holding onto the shame so hard, it can make others perceive that you are still playing the victim.

IAT, I am sorry I am late to this topic, but I've been meaning to write to you for a while and only now have a moment.

I know these intrusions are painful to you, and set off feelings of guilt and/or shame (much good discussion of late in other topics on the difference between the two).

But I wanted to offer you just one thought--a way to reframe what these intrusive images mean. These intrusive thoughts, painful and disconcerting as they are, are a Good Thing. Good, because they mean your walls of compartmentalization are coming well and truly down, and you are engaged on the hard but vital work of reintergrating yourself.

As you know, compartmentalization is the essential mode and method of an affair. It is how we allow ourselves to blunt our conscience and still our sense of empathy for our partner, so that we can go out and do that which makes us feel better in the moment with no regard for others. We have one life at home, and then a separate secret life in the affair. We pretend the one has nothing to do with the other. That we may be doing bad things in the bad compartment, but we remain a good person in the good compartment.

But that is a lie, a lie we tell ourselves first and foremost. We are only ever one person, and all our acts and actions are part of us.

These thoughts mean your compartments are coming down, and you are reintegrating the selfish and self-destructive and un-empathetic acts and thoughts into your understanding of your whole self. It hurts. But it is very, very healthy. It is progress, not relapse.

I hope this will give you some courage as you work through them.

[This message edited by Owl6118 at 3:07 PM, February 16th (Sunday)]

If you read many posts by BS's in any forum here, you will probably come across statements about our fear of being "PLAN B".

We wonder:

What if AP is who you really want to be with?

Maybe AP dumped you, and we're the backup plan?

Are you just hanging with us until your AP becomes available? (maybe after their kids are grown)

Do you miss them?

The problem with these questions is that there is no way a WS can prove them false. After Dday, the single thing we are certain of is that our WS is a great liar. And lies that we WANT to believe are easy to consume.

Many of us who have gone through years since Dday (myself included) believe that memories of the AP are there, and are thought of time to time, but probably fall into the category of old boy/girl friends (from before marriage).

We have those types of memories too, so it seems likely. While it remains deeply disturbing that your thoughts of AP are from a time DURING our marriage - we do understand. Our fervent hope is that there is no real energy attached to those memories... but there's no way to know that for sure.

IMO the way through this is to just tell the truth. Don't lie or try to coerce or diminish - just tell the truth. If you miss AP, say so. If we're plan B, give us the respect of letting us know. OTOH, if you hate AP and what you did, tell us. If AP pales compared to us, say so. Either way, we got through Dday, we can get through this too.