SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The most interesting thing I have ever studied in psychology is how two people can come together and form a third personality that is an Inevitably toxic. I’m guessing this woman found whatever was vulnerable in your wife and played it to the hilt. She got off on the drama, the secrets, your pain and the whole shitty situation. I would put my foot down and say no no no.

I guess I might add that if it were me I’d also tell my wife that I would learn a lot about how trustworthy my wife was if she decided to remain in touch with a friend who encouraged infidelity and would not sincerely apologize to me for the pain her influence caused me and the family in general.

To me that would indicate a partner who cares more about everyone else than her husband and kids.

Does the friend know of your concerns and how unhappy you are with her?

To me that might be a key issue. There has been talk of redemption and forgiveness, however that is usually based on the wrongdoer realizing what they did wrong. Maybe you should outline your thoughts and angers in a letter or even a sit-down with this "friend" and then evaluate the response.
Is this friend married? If so then maybe the letter should be addressed to her husband with the request he sit down with her and discuss her comments to your wife during the affair. I’m not too certain a husband would be happy with a spouse that claims the worst thing about infidelity is discovery rather than the affair itself. I think a relationship realignment might be in order…

I do think it would be to your benefit to list down what she said and why and how it’s negative. Don’t only (or even) focus on how it was bad advice. Quality of advice can be disputed. Rather focus on how disrespectful it was to you and your family. Also focus on how – when the AP was acting up – her advice was clearly contrary to what your wife had decided to commit to. That would IMHO strongly indicate the friends emphasis was on damaging you rather than helping wife. Who knows? Maybe some Freudian jealousy from her?

I want to share a personal story:
I walked in on my then fiancé having sex with a random guy she picked up at a bar. I later discovered that she had this kink for that type of sex and this was not the first time.
After d-day I was supported by a good female friend of many years. She is the sister of my old childhood best friend and we had a good, non-romantic brother/sister relationship. About 2-3 weeks after d-day she let it slip that she had witnessed my fiancé hitting on and flirting with men at bars and clubs. She had even intervened once when XWF made out with a guy and that there were at least 2 incidents over a 4 year period where my XWF "disappeared" from the group of she was with at the bar/club, and that she strongly suspected her both times of leaving with some guy.

My reaction at the time is probably the same as if this was today. I wondered why my "friends" didn’t have the courage and decency of letting me know. My XWF allegedly did this all +5 years of our relationship. Had I learnt of it early then maybe it could have been discussed, ended, "cured" or maybe I would just simply have moved on. What is definite is that at no time in my life have I wanted to share my partner.

I stopped leaning on this friend and basically all contact with her. She phoned, dropped by and whatever but realized that something was off. What I didn’t have the courage or the maturity to do at the time was talk to her and explain why. I just cold-shouldered her.

Over 20 years later we meet by coincidence when I visit my old home-city. She tells me that she’s been thinking long and hard over the years about why I cut her off and realizes that she was wrong in not telling me about my XWF actions at the time. She then apologized. We reestablished our friendship, and frankly it felt good to have one more person on the "like them" list rather than the "dislike them" one.