SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@UKgirl: Thanks for the clarity there. Much needed.

@william: I know you've been following my story so you'll know how grateful I've been for all the help and support, and how many 2x4s I've happily taken around my head. But when someone crosses the line (not you) then I am going to say something. Anyway. The rest of your post I will read and re-read, until the penny really drops. I do get it. In an ideal world none of us would ever see that lowlife scum again. And of course I need to make that as likely as possible. Changing my wife's number/email/Facebook - more likely hell will freeze over but that doesn't mean these won't form part of my list of requirements. And I totally get what you say about how not to paint myself into a corner. However, my son is NOT going to give up his sport - not until the day he decides he no longer enjoys it. It's not a mainstream sport so, whether or not (a) I get the guy thrown out or (b) he or we move clubs (there aren't many around), there is every likelihood we will cross paths again (at competitions etc). I am all up for minimising this but I WILL NOT stop my son from doing what he loves, risk to my marriage or not. That is not to say we can't move to another club. We probably can. Of course, the OM could then move too. This is high up my list of expectations that I have to clear my head and really focus on.

Incidentally, the OM has nothing to do with the Tuesday afternoon club. He just turns up to use the facilities (and no doubt be near my WW). He wasn't there yesterday but could have been, I admit. Saturday is another matter. This is where he is an instructor and my son is most likely to come into contact with him. This Saturday my wife won't be there and she sounds relieved when she says that. He hasn't always been there either, since D-Day 1. My WW and I clearly need to discuss this, and come up with a plan where our DS continues his activity (sorry, but anything else is NOT AN OPTION) but elsewhere. You may recall I mentioned our club's future is in doubt anyway.

At the moment, getting my WW to discuss anything is proving pretty difficult.

P.S. I realise how passive I sound at the end of that last post. Don't tell me I have to clear my head, make some decisions and IMPOSE them on my WW, who really no longer has any say in any of this, because I really DO realise this.

Duplicate post

[This message edited by saveus at 6:05 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

I don't think you need to focus too much on your son being near the POS. It's not pleasant and no one wants it out of principal (I should know), but ultimately if your WW leaves you for him then he will be playing a significant part in your sons life so occasional contact between him and your son at present needs to be put in context. I would expend my energies elsewhere. The same goes for my fellow posters; There is little he can do or even needs to do regarding his child and the POS. I know it stinks and we all think the POS has no right to be near our children but we can't control what we can't control.

Focus your efforts on giving your WW some consequences.

[This message edited by allatsea at 6:31 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

Thanks allatsea, that's just what I needed to hear (and exactly what I was thinking). I'm sitting here when I should be working, reading and re-reading the newbies posts and formulating my list of requirements/boundaries.

Another duplicated post

[This message edited by saveus at 6:40 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

I don’t think you are being passive, more indecisive than anything. Sitting on the fence just as much as your WW and waiting for a catalyst of some sort to knock you both off.

I do think you need to focus on boundaries and consequences. I think you need to look at all possible outcomes and scenarios and know how you are going to act and deal with each and any one of them.

You have decided your son is going to continue at his sports club – if it is unusual and he can't change to another club (like archery or something) then you have to decide how you are going to deal with OM and know you may be dealing with him as your WW’s new partner. May I suggest that for now, YOU are the one to take him to the club whenever there is the possibility that OM may be there. that way you should feel you have more control and remove possible temptation from your WW. Your WW is clearly in a fragile state and probably not to be trusted at all around OM. If she wants to stay with you, it really is best she changes her phone number.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 7:08 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

Hi saveus, if you haven't already seen these, these may help:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp

Also, from my own sitch, which is very different than everyone here, but, if you want another example, this is what I did last week. You get the idea:

Boundaries:

* I will not tolerate the mention of your affair partner.

* I will not tolerate any mention of my father.

Consequences of violating either of these boundaries will result in the immediate termination of our relationship.

Boundaries:

* I will not tolerate any more letters or phone calls to my father.

* I will not tolerate any more shifting of blame for your actions on to others.

* I will not tolerate any complaints about the divorce.

* I will not tolerate you disciplining my kids.

* I will not tolerate any snide comments about me, my health, my family.

* I will not tolerate you dictating the terms of your visits.

* I will not tolerate threats of suicide or suicide attempts.

* You will treat me, my family, my home with respect.

Consequences of violating any of these boundaries will result in immediate termination of the visit. I will show you the door regardless of the time of day or the event.

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 7:14 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

Absolutely, UKgirl. I can't disagree with any of that. I tell you what, writing down those boundaries is helping me to (a) clarify my mind, and (b) toughen up. Suddenly I'm feeling like, 'what RIGHT has my WW to deny full transparency???' etc. I know she will - 'I'm not living like that'/'what right do you have to invade my privacy' etc - but then I'll just have to do as advised and re-evaluate my desire to hang about any longer. Things I was (am) scared to insist on, like this and MC, I'm now thinking, 'what the hell am I thinking????'. She either goes along with it or she shows me she doesn't really want me/our family.

Brilliant yop, very helpful. With changes, I can see me using a lot of your boundaries for inspiration.

In a sick kind of way, I'm quite getting into this

I'm just off to catch up on your story... Thanks again.

Please don't feel you have to catch up on my story. It's very long and I may have to apologize to you for not getting that time back in your life.

However, I will bump my most recent thread for you in JFO called Day of Reckoning and the other one where I did the planning for it. Took my 25 years to grow a pair but I did. It's very liberating to be running the show and having someone trying to catch up to you.

You need your own Day of Reckoning Saveus. I want you to get it.

yop

not sure if they will help, but they are now at the top of the forum for you

Thanks yop, I'll be sure to read them (and not bill you for my time )

She has lost the right to "privacy," which in this case is really secrecy (privacy is having the bathroom door closed). If she were truly interested in healing you & your marriage, she would use ANY tool possible to help with accountability & re-establishing your trust. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing! Google post affair transparency...just a sample...

"The person who engaged in the affair must be accountable to their partner. This is an exhausting process but is a key step in rebuilding trust. The life of the partner who was unfaithful must become an “open book” at all times after the affair. Their spouse must be given the opportunity to check cell phone calls and text messages, phone records, credit card slips, pockets, purses, personal email accounts and the websites that have been visited. The spouse will also need to know where their spouse is going, with whom and what they will be doing and if plans change. This may seem like an invasion of privacy, but it is simply a consequence of the bad choices that damaged the trust. In some cases, the spouse who is attempting to rebuild trust may choose not to check up on these things. They must have the option to do so. Being proactive will help promote trust."

Thank you, putonahappyface. I especially like this bit:-

This may seem like an invasion of privacy, but it is simply a consequence of the bad choices that damaged the trust.

Saveus, you're right… she doesn't have the right to insist on anything. She gave up that right when she violated you and your marriage. If she doesn't clearly see that, and she doesn't fully understand that YOU are the only one who can insist upon anything at this point, then she is clearly showing you she is not fully committed to you or your marriage. We all say that actions speak louder than words, especially after an A.

I would read the last two pages of IUHoosier's thread. He is getting some results in terms of ending continued suffering.

Your child is 5 and still developing preferences - he's only attached to the activities of the club because somehow - you are also attached to them.

You are the parent. It's up to you to direct him to many other sports and activities that he will also love. Do that now, and you may find your attachment to the club diminishing as his needs for joy and activity will be met in many other ways.

Having this imposter in your family groom your son/influence him from a place of instructor is a vulnerability your family cannot bear and your son will suffer because of YOUR attachment to the activities he enjoys at that club.

Would you have his love of this particular sport turn to the ruin of ALL he loves??

I'm concerned that you are shooting the messengers here. Remember - your son is five - he can and will love many other things in his life and even the particular sport/flavor of the day in the life of a five year old can be found in other places.

Besides if you start pulling away from the club because you found something better, and start pulling parents who also have five year olds away from the club, or you have the muscle to influence those parents away from the club, the more likely club management is going to do something about the culprit to their loss of business.

Yes - you are being far too passive when it comes to getting the OM out of your child's life.

I'm not living like that'/'what right do you have to invade my privacy' etc

Your WW broke your trust. She lied, and she lied repeatedly. There should be NO secrets in a healthy relationship. Secrets are lies – the withholding of information so that you do not hold facts to the truth. She is treating you as a lesser person – she has allowed you to invest your love, time, money and TRUST in her on the understanding that it will not be abused. Does she like being lied to? I bet not. If she was lied to, would she trust that person the next time she saw them? Of course not. But she wants to carry on living as this person with the RIGHT to treat you in this way?

There is a big difference between privacy and secrecy. You are not invading her privacy; you are not allowing her secrecy. Privacy is her shutting the door when she goes to the bathroom to take a crap. Secrecy is when she takes her phone in with her. Privacy is not detrimental to the relationship, secrecy is. If she reckons you are invading her “privacy”, then what she means is she has secrets she doesn’t want you to know about.

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

At the moment, getting my WW to discuss anything is proving pretty difficult.

If she doesnt feel the need to discuss this complete nightmare right now, she will continue on her merry way of doing things.

You also wrote that you have not been checking or reading her texts. I think you should!. You have a right to know what is going on every second. Your wife sure isnt going to tell you. By not reading her texts, you have no way of making any kind of informed decisions. You need information to make the right decisions.

You just have no idea what your wife is up to. And I mean in all ways, affairs and her making plans with lawyers.

I would hate to see you completely shocked by her serving you papers.

You have got to stay out in front of this.

The fact that this is her 2nd PA in 3 years is huge. That changes a lot. She needs to answer WHY she is going out with other guys. You have got to realize that this is most certainly not a normal way to live.

If she cannot start figuring out what is wrong, she never will. I dont think she even realizes she has done anything wrong, and I dont think she even realizes she has a problem.

If this isnt discussed and dealt with at this time, she will have another affair in 2 or 3 years.

What the heck is to stop her.

This situation needs to be dealt with right now and to be honest, she needs to stop acting like a some teenager.