SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why do you check yourself out in the mirror? Posing, flexing, grinning, etc. Do you find yourself attractive? Are you picking your flaws apart or are you thinking, "Awww yeah. Handful of weights will tune that up!"? What's the deal with men and mirrors?

I don't use mirrors to admire, but as a tool to cover every possible flaw.

-Avoider of mirrors

@ Aubrie - I'm with you and avoid them. I'm like a vampire when it comes to mirrors. Not a fan of what I see in them when it comes to myself. There is no posing, flexing, grinning, etc. Only use them to check myself for the once over or shaving.

Not according to your UPS driver

Hey not my fault, UPS messed up, wasn't my package, didn't even have my name on it, it was addressed to someone by the name Dude Lebowski. Who ever that is.

Mirrors. Useful items to avoid embarrassment.

I use them to check if my zipper is down or if I have buggers falling out of me nose or have something caught in my teeth. Useful for things like that.

As a child I would pose like superman or some other superhero in front of the mirror. It was like a game. As a adult I dont do that.

WW always has to check how she looks. Seems like she has allot more to check than I do. Hair. Warpaint (make-up). Outfit malfunctions.

Life is allot simpler for me so I have less to check on.

Hey not my fault, UPS messed up, wasn't my package, didn't even have my name on it, it was addressed to someone by the name Dude Lebowski. Who ever that is.

But, well now that it's here... And no one would know...

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 10:57 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

What do guys think of large natural breasts?

I like natural. Period.

I'm self conscience about them. Are they a turn-off to guys BECAUSE they don't look like a couple of basketballs on my chest?

Hmmmm...I think my answer would have to be Hell No!

p.s. A woman with boobs looking like basketballs on her chest will draw attention. That doesn't mean they draw admiration.

Okay menz, aside from sex, name one thing that your wife does for you, with you, or to you, that makes you happier than anything else on earth.

Awesome question PPGA.

I have a possibility touchy one. It's more of a WS/BS one.

Do you think a WW does not have the right to say "no" to intimacy after infidelity?

If I need to just erase this, I will. Mods, just lemme know.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 11:20 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

I think 'right' is tricky in this case.

The direct answer is yes. Everyone has 'the right' to turn down unwanted sexual advances any time they wish.

That being said, if a WW had the nasty habit of freezing out her BH during the affair, then it's important to remember that a WW saying 'No' is probably going to be a hell of a trigger....but then you get into all sorts of guilt issues, is it coercion, manipulation, etc.

I don't know what the answer is. I'm always going to side with 'No means No' and everyone has the right to say 'No", though, because the other option feels slimy and gross.

I probably should have worded that more carefully.

Please let's not make it into a frickin' debate.

Lemme ask this way. How does it make you feel if/when she says "no" to intimacy? Do you feel her reason is unfounded considering your situation? Does it make you feel that you are not a priority? Or is it OK that her stomach hurts and her uterus is swollen and intimacy is painful? Is it acceptable that a migraine is blinding her vision? Or she is physically too exhausted to think straight?

Do wives have the right to say, "Fine, but just a quicky?" And refuse anything more? Which I think a lot of moms compromise on?

Which leads to the dreaded circle of the woman feeling like a piece of meat..

Like others said, we need more time and buildup. We should have been making hints or at least making each other happy all day. Like the mood flowed into sex, not BAM! I'm an ass/leg/boobs man, lol.

What we need is time, but with children, our time is precious at that stage. Our minds are running a million miles a minute, and it's hard to relax.

I say a woman can ALWAYS choose what happens with her body. But used as a tool of manipulation, well that's pretty shitty.. Pretty sure that means sex isn't the biggest problem in the relationship..

Another question for the menz:

Is a quickie good enough for you?

At what point to you start missing the emotional connection?

Is this maybe why some people are SA? Because they don't care about the emotional connection at all? And faithful men need the connection more often and get frustrated when the wife has trouble connecting when she's tired and worn out?

I'm usually fine and understanding with a straightforward "No." or "I don't feel like it.", and I mostly always have been, Pre-A and Post-A.

Doesn't bother me at all, but sex has always been like 15th on my list of cool things to do, so answers may vary by dude.

Do you think a WW does not have the right to say "no" to intimacy after infidelity?

No, she does have the right to say no, and I repsected that. In the same manner, I have the right to not be happy and D when 5 years after dday I am still get less quantity and variety of sex and touching than the OM were getting.

Is a quickie good enough for you?

At what point to you start missing the emotional connection?

A spontaneous quickies can be good, a quickie to get sex over with and quickly check the box not so much. There is more than just sex (though it was important) for the emotional connection for me. Touching as we pass walking by, sitting close on the couch watching a movie. If a quickie is a part of a variety of expressions of love and connection it is all good. I did especially enjoyed uninterrupted time to focus on her sexually, and then lay together and afterglow. Not all the time, but was great when it happened.

No, she does have the right to say no, and I repsected that. In the same manner, I have the right to not be happy and D when 5 years after dday I am still get less quantity and variety of sex and touching than the OM were getting.

Exactly.

@painpaingoaway

Okay menz, aside from sex, name one thing that your wife does for you, with you, or to you, that makes you happier than anything else on earth.

Honestly, that she is a great mother for my children. I say that because my own mother was NPD. I watch her with the kids and wish that I had that when I was their age. Knowing that my children have her as a mother makes me the happiest man on earth. Probably not what you are looking for, but it's the truth. I let her know that from time to time.

Other than that, when she does things to make me feel special and it doesn't have to be something big. Little things like pda's, taking me out to dinner, my LL is physical touch, so those hugs go a long way with me.

@ButterflyGirl

Do wives have the right to say, "Fine, but just a quicky?" And refuse anything more? Which I think a lot of moms compromise on?

Of course. I think that women dictate how sex should be. At a very early age I took time to learn about women's bodies and my way around the bedroom. I learned very early to pay attention to them and figure out what their likes and dislikes are. I especially paid attention to seduction. As you say, most of it can be ongoing throughout the day. Recently this doesn't work so much on MrsYop because of her OCPD and it's a long complicated story. I still do it, leave random notes for her, send her texts, etc (for the most part clean, not dirty) and occasionally will play the push pull card. Like if she says she doesn't want to I'll say, you're right, spending an half hour on you receiving pleasure any way you want it is a bad idea. She'll be like "what now? say that again." and it's game on. I love that all day foreplay stuff. Unfortunately with my W sex has to be scheduled for her to mentally prepare because of sexual trauma in her past. Sex can't be spontaneous with us, but that doesn't mean I don't love trying. So I let her dictate the show, as it should be. "Fine, but just a quicky?" has to be scheduled so there's not a true quicky in our case. But if that were to be suggested, I would ask her if that what she really wants of if she's just giving it up out of obligation. Because if that's the case, I have no intention of treating anyone like a piece of meat and would prefer for them to be into it. That's how I get my ego kibbles is not with myself, but pleasing MrsYop.

Is a quickie good enough for you?

At what point to you start missing the emotional connection?

If she wants it to be quick, of course that's good enough. I myself prefer a marathon but there's nothing wrong with a short sprint every now and again. We have been building out emotional connections outside the bedroom. It helps me with my rejection cycle to remain connected with my wife. If anything, the emotional connection can spill over into the bedroom, but doesn't have to.

Is it acceptable that a migraine is blinding her vision?

Absolutely have the right to say no. Keep in mind though a couple straight weeks of headaches and I'm going to start questioning whether she's getting it somewhere else again. WW says no, but then in the next few days she makes an effort to make it happen, radar never goes off. She always has the right to say no.

Once the normal pattern of intimacy changes (even just a little) this is the first place my mind goes

˅˅˅˅˅˅˅˅

Pretty sure that means sex isn't the biggest problem in the relationship.

Just something to keep in mind post-A. It's an almost knee-jerk reaction to start questioning. At least for me anyway. I hate it!

Do wives have the right to say, "Fine, but just a quicky?"

oh gosh, I know this is a question for men but...I used to say this all the time ALL THE TIME before my affair. Fine, use my body just for a little bit because I have to get to bed. After I did all my thinking about what I did I came to the conclusion that I don't want my body used by him. He probably doesn't want to use me. Now, every love making session is never a quickie. I am fully engaged. He deserves that from me, affair or not. Sure, we don't have little ones and fall in bed exhausted every night but.... that connection should have been first back then anyway... I deeply regret saying that to him for so many years. I deeply regret NOT being totally engaged in long sessions of love making for so many years. I didn't get it at all.

For the first time in 4 years last week I said I just wanted to cuddle. He was fine with that. But i did think of what Aubrie asked in that, what reason do I ever have to refuse if I gave it away so freely to someone else? It took me a while to get to the point that that was ok....

Knowing that my children have her as a mother makes me the happiest man on earth.

that is so beautiful.