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Kitschy and I got this are right. It wasn't a few hours of pleasure.

She had moved on from you and taken a new primary lover, best friend and confidant. Part of that relationship entailed him putting his penis in her wet and waiting vagina for both sexual ecstasy and to bond as lovers, as it was a deep emotional love affair.

Again,like igotthis I apologize for the direct manner in speaking with you and it's done respectfully as 'tough love'

Guys! You are not telling NP5 anything he hasnt heard before, How about giving him a break tonight and let's stop beating a dead horse.

I am often moved by the compassion and support here on SI. Less frequently, I am shocked at the cruelty.

NP5 can ask for advice. He's not obliged to take it. While he's suffering and in pain, there's hardly need to kick him while he's down, simply because you are frustrated with his choices.

(((Np5)))

I apologize for the direct manner in speaking with you and it's done respectfully as 'tough love'

^^^I call bullshit on this.

Just because you had an unremorseful WW or because YOU could not deal with the adultery, there is no reason to project your situation and decision onto NP5.

There are plenty of folks who R.

SI has always been a pro-R site in general.

All you are doing is creating a trigger for NP5 in his own thread.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:57 PM, May 17th (Sunday)]

NP5 - you asked about mind movies.

I have been cheated on twice: once wound up in D and once in R.

You get the mind movies in either case. Some people have found divorcing quickly and going NC makes them go away. Some have R'd, and found comfort in a remorseful w to help you through them.

I found R helped enormously.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 11:01 PM, May 17th (Sunday)]

Np5, I am sorry about the mind movies. They are brutal and, for me, feel like reality almost stops and I hold my breath in agony.

For me, the more details I found out, the more the movies were able to decrease I their "vivid" ness. First they were worse, but then I processed them I guess. Either that or just plain time helped. I hope you find peace in something - a good book, fishing with a child, taking a jog. Something to give your mind space to shut off or focus elsewhere for a short reprieve

(((((((((((NP5)))))))))))

NP5,the mind movies happen if you divorce too. I have no experience with attempting to reconcile, but I imagine it's even harder in some ways than divorce and abandonment. This is all part of the huge shit sandwich we've all been handed.

MY JACK, with all due respect I'm not projecting. I don't want to bring this off topic about me.

But NP5 has posted a few times where he has minimized their affair. It absolutely was as we state and sometimes that stage needs to be set in order to convey what's going on.

For R to even be an option he needs to fully accept the magnitude of what happened, or they'll also be those nights he wakes up and stares at the ceiling because that's the person who knows the truth. Conversely, if he accepts what it was then all emotions and fears will be on the table to be handled how he chooses (repair/recreate/eliminate/pause/etc)

It wasn't just a few hours of sexual pleasure was I guess is my well-winded point :)

Edith at one point said, "Oh, (NP5), please don't look at me like that. I'm so sorry I hurt you... Then she started to cry. Not because she was scared or feeling like the truth was leaking out... Only because she had hurt me so.

No,np5. Read that sentence again...please don't look at me like that, Im sorry I hurt you."

She was crying because you looked at her so sad, and she already knows she hurt you, and you are making her feel bad about herself..she's said sorry..what more do you need..stop looking at her like that..she feels bad enough about herself.

She cried because you made her feel bad about herself. She doesn't want you to look at her like that and make her feel worse.

Selfish.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:37 AM, May 18th (Monday)]

I understand NP5 why he wants to give his WW one more chance. Polygraph often has a big impact on the situation and it's not unreasonable to hope that WW will truly start to change.

He has invested so much time and himself in this situation, I fully understand why he wants to give her one more chance. But I hope for his sake that this is the last one.

Best wishes, NP5!

I understand NP5 why he wants to give his WW one more chance. Polygraph often has a big impact on the situation and it's not unreasonable to hope that WW will truly start to change.

He has invested so much time and himself in this situation, I fully understand why he wants to give her one more chance. But I hope for his sake that this is the last one.

Best wishes, NP5!

I'll add my best wishes to you NP5.

This is all about you, and your survival of infidelity.

You get to decide.

Good luck, and sending you both strength to work through this.

(((((((((((((NP5)))))))))))))))

Hope you are better and healthy today, please take care of yourself and your kiddos.

he has 5 kids under the age of 16 which makes it harder to detach for the kids well being as well as child support and further would make his marketability on the free market be diminished.

I have been considering what D would look like for me. I am in favor of the children staying in the house and me and Edith swapping out 50% of the time. She has them Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and half of Wednesday. I have them half of Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday till about 10pm or so where Edith would arrive and I leave. My IC told me this is a "Nesting" divorce and is the best option to minimize the impact on the children.

What woman in their right mind would want to date me or marry me? They would have to move in and move out. It would be a mess. Even if they had children of their own and their own place. They would only get half a husband / dad.

OK so let's say I have 50% custody and the children move back and forth. Do Edith and I have two houses with 6 bedrooms? That get's a little expensive! And there is no stability there if my new wife were to have any children. 3-1/2 days a week there is 1-2 children and then other half of the week there is 6-7 children? I just don't see it working. At all.

So, I'm toast. So is Edith. We are screwed for the next decade at least. So I'm 56 then and a teenage boy of 14 in my house and a girl who is 17 who is just going to crucify anyone I might date or marry. Even a decade isn't enough.

I guess if I made enough money I could get myself a trophy wife after all this when I'm 60.

So the alternative is to just bump along with a remorseless spouse who treats me like I'm dirt frequently. Is that good either? I've done that and it isn't so much fun. Not lately at least. And if I persist on this path my body will shut down. It can't last much longer with the crap it's being forced to put up with...

No, I'm afraid the only way out of this is to press on forward and get out of this mess.

If we strip it all down, we have a great family but a bad marriage. All we have to do is fix the marriage and honor, respect, cherish each other, forsaking all others--heading back to the beginning of the marriage and have a do over.

We both still love each other, so that's a start.

She's got a lot of forgiving to do and so do I. I'm not saying their equal or equivalent... just that we both have a lot to do.

We both are very attracted to each other and we both are great friends. I like her company and she likes mine, I think. We compliment each other and we've learned a lot of valuable lessons.

The only question I have is can I forgive her and can she forgive me of past wrongs, real and perceived? That's the only thing of which I am unsure.

She had moved on from you and taken a new primary lover, best friend and confidant.

I wouldn't say primary or best, just a supplemental one to help "fill in the holes" in her heart, so to speak. She was lonely and felt she wasn't being listened to, and wanted some on the side. She doesn't want the OM as a replacement and knows he would never work out. She wants me back and she wants our marriage to get back on track of getting better. She saw how I was trying to nice her back previously and said to herself, "Hey, this NP5 is pretty nice now! Maybe I don't need to be doing this... OK, maybe just one more time..."

But another part of me says there is unfinished business. I can't just give it one more chance, one more try. That bridge was burned several times over and I'm done with trying that.

So, what to do...

Right now my IC is telling me to take no action right now. That I am at "Understanding" and I need to process it to the point where I am at "Acceptance". Once I have acceptance, I can make rational and beneficial decisions. I should not take actions right now, though I will want to do so. So I must sit on my hands and wait.

Which brings me to the mind movies...

Part of moving from "Understanding" to "Acceptance" is mind movies. I have heard her tell me and I have understood what she did. But my mind views her as someone who never would do such a thing. Never in my dreams! So how do I get my mind to accepting that she did this. That's where the mind movies come in. In my minds eye, I need to see her do these things over and over and over. Because I cannot believe it, I need to rewrite who I think she was and is in my mind. So I need to view it and accept it as the new normal.

Now she may be done. The OM may be long gone and she hates him now, never to be seen or thought of again. That a leap, but let's go with it for now. I still need to realize that my current wife was and is the type of person who would cheat on me and did cheat on me, multiple times and in every important way. She loved him, in every sense of the word, in every way possible. Probably as passionately as ever she loved me. I must accept that she did that and she did this to me and my family. So the mind movies are crucial to my ego, psyche, and core in establishing this new truth that is contrary to the core belief I held for the last 25 years, as excruciating as that might be to me.

So I will lie and watch. I will sit and watch. I will drive and watch those visions over and over until they no longer are met with disbelief. Because they happened and they are true and that is this person whom I thought I knew.

Once I believe it, when the mind movies no longer shock me with disbelief, then I think I will have arrived at acceptance.

Then I can begin the action.

Thank you all for your support, thoughts, and prayers.

T/J

SI has always been a pro-R site in general.

I am sorry, but that is just not true. SI, in general, has always been about surviving infidelity. Whether that is divorce or reconciliation, or any of the variations in between, is up to each member here to decide. Whatever path they are on, or the path that has been forced upon them, we will be here for them. Survivinginfidelity.com is here to support each member and help them survive this shitstorm of infidelity that is reigned down upon them. end T/J

NP,

First off you come off as an extremely likable person, which is why I think many people here are upset. We are upset on behalf of you.

Secondly, NEVER consider yourself as damaged goods. I had a good friend who got divorced at 45 thinking the same exact thing. In six months he met the woman of his dreams. She had been cheated on as well, needed a slow start, had confidence issues, etc. It's now a love story for the ages and both go to sleep at night knowing that they married their best friends. Sure, there are some logistical issues with kids, but they each love each others kids as their own and they began to reliaze that it's not the amount of bedrooms that you have, but the little people that love you that matter. Frankly, from my interactions with them, I think that they get a kick out of coming over to his house as they *love* their new, older step brother and step sister.

What I'm saying - don't be afraid of life. I'm a firm believer that good things happen to those with good mindsets. Work on yourself!

Damnit NP what because life is hard, or may be harder you find that reasonable thing to just go on and accept the abuse that has been being dealt?

What woman in their right mind would want to date me or marry me?

We tend to think about life in the phrases if what if's. What if I get D, What if I find another woman? What if she doesn't want 5 kids?

STOP doing that. The first thing you need to do is deal with the problems at present. And thinking that you need or are going to have a woman in your life again is just flat out stupid. Focus on you, and you getting healthy. Learn how to be happy just being NP, without some woman demanding expectations. Without some woman blaming you for all that is wrong in her life and the world. LEARN, and ACCEPT that it's good to be happy and healthy standing as an individual. You say you aren't CoD but this again is a perfect example of being CoD.. "how can anyone ever love me". This is fear talking. Learn how to love you, and you won't give a flying fig if any woman is attracted to you, or wants to be with you.

Oh and what you are saying about acceptance, I get to a point, but you will never learn to accept the pain she has caused you if she continues to cause you new pain. At some point you have to stop allowing fear to drive you, accept that shitty things happen to good people, and stand up for yourself, and say not one more time. I am done being the bearer of all the crap that is wrong in Edith's life. She is responsible for that. Until she is held accountable, and not this "oh woe is me crap" but the real deal,saying I f'd it up and I destroyed our M, then getting down on her hands and knees and scrubbing the dirt out of her life will you see or know the difference.

I'm sorry friend, but the kids in your last post are just an excuse for demanding the love and respect you deserve yet again.

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I wouldn't say primary or best, just a supplemental one to help "fill in the holes" in her heart, so to speak. She was lonely and felt she wasn't being listened to, and wanted some on the side. "--

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So NP, just to clarify, she is saying that if you listened to her better and paid more attention to her then she would not have taken on a lover?

... thank you for your post NP5.