SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

bump

That nailed everything I just posted... Thank you Jana for bumping and thank you UO for writing this.

I really learned something from you today.

I thank you for sharing your thoughts.

It helped me articulate a little over in the Gen Forum on the "shocked by A or no?" thread.

Even as a BS, I can sympathize with ANYONE feeling the pain of rejection. I'm happy to know so much of it is chemical. Now if I could learn how to kick nicotine maybe I could tackle kicking love next?

Sorry, shouldn't be joking. I think some days I have hysterical happy because I spent so long being sad.

bump again

This is one of my all-time faves...

Ba-Dump-Bump

Bump...

I wonder if the reason some BS's aren't able to heal is there is no number of days. Each day with an unremorseful spouse is another rejection. If the spouse themselves has become linked to that feeling of rejection as an anchor emotion no matter how remorseful they may be just their presence triggers that feeling for the BS. That anchor emotion has to be identified and replaced.

I think this is the a-ha moment I needed. Thank you UO! I can't believe it!

Rereading this sage post, especially this part:

If the spouse themselves has become linked to that feeling of rejection as an anchor emotion no matter how remorseful they may be just their presence triggers that feeling for the BS. That anchor emotion has to be identified and replaced.

So true. The addiction has become the anchor.

eta: CB had the same insight.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:42 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Thank you for this post. It has really helped me figure out the dynamic of what was happening with my WH and I, and his rapidly cycling over the past year between me, and OW...committing to OW, then me telling him no more and dumping him. Then WH is back trying to win me back, and OW is rejected. Then he tries to win her back and goes MIA on me again. This cycle repeated itself 5-6 times the past year.

Curious though--17 years of zero drama and this crazy dynamic starts. Is it something that could be dormant in a WS possibly for many years, then its triggered by the thrill of an affair?

http://www.professional-counselling.com/how-to-deal-with-rejection.html

Hope this link helps. This post really helped me too so thank you UO!

Bump

Thanks UO. I know I've come across this post before. I've been on SI long enough, how could I not have seen it?

I tend to get distracted easily, and long drawn out posts tend to lose me quickly. I guess I have a touch of ADD.

I wish I had read and re-read this much earlier...as I just did.

I think you've touched upon something here that has been an issue for me my whole life. I have a very difficult time dealing with rejection, no matter the circumstances. It doesn't even have to be a relationship. It could be anything.

I think this is why I started the relationship with my first girlfriend. She dumped me in 1988 after I had saved my money, booked an apartment, and flew thousands of miles to see her. I was blindsided by it. It shocked me. I couldn't understand why she did it.

I have been asking myself why would I go back to her after all those years had passed? Why would I look her up? I had only dated her a few months in 1988. Why would I have carried that torch for 20 years?

This has to be it. There is no other logical explanation.

Thank you for posting and bumping this. What a revelation.

I'm very late to this thread, but it really helped with an issue I've been having lately, thanks UO!If the reaction one has from rejection can be so easily mistaken for love, how is it possible to know if either spouse really wants R or if they both just fear rejection? I guess I've been wondering lately whether my WH and I really love each other anymore or if both of us just so desperately don't want to be the one rejected. How can you tell the difference?

Great post...I am even later to this party then the above member was.

I don't see where that question was ever answered...any ideas? We don't have a counselor as of lately....thinking about ordering the book mentioned.

It seems the more I work on myself the more questions I have about myself. While in counseling I was surprised to learn that I have a fear of abandonment and took some work to answer YES to the question....Does Blake love Blake?

This whole rejection feeding chemicals into my body in similar fashion but in replace of love has me thinking about my interactions with my wife over the years........certainly plays into how I reacted upon my DD....but also speaks to how I was so willing to do what I did over the past 3 years specifically.....as she pulled away and I stuck with it (no insistence of change, no talk of counseling, always thinking it will get better when)...both of us doing very unhealthy things to each other and our marriage...but neither recognizing our actions as such.

Is this post to suggest that I have somehow become addicted to rejection sometime during my life? I get that I don't have any role models from which to learn what healthy love and intimacy is to look like, feel like....but am I EMBRACING rejection?

That is why I am so very curious as to the response to the above series of questions.

I am simply amazed at how this self-journey continues to surprise me...even more amazed at how vast this new world is.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:05 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

I guess I've been wondering lately whether my WH and I really love each other anymore or if both of us just so desperately don't want to be the one rejected. How can you tell the difference?

And I'm even later to the party, but just my two cents...

I think there's something to this, but IMO this would be a very short, temporary state. I can't see fear of rejection alone keeping the marital R afloat for more than a couple of months, if that long. I mean, at some point if you don't truly love someone anymore or want to R with them, you would figure that out pretty quickly once the initial fear of rejection subsides.

I don't have the title "Dr." in front of my name, but this seems like common sense.

I think there's something to this, but IMO this would be a very short, temporary state. I can't see fear of rejection alone keeping the marital R afloat for more than a couple of months,

This wasn't abou the fear...the rejection is already "here" and it can cause absolute chaos. Not temporary or short at all, in fact some never recover from it.

I honestly think its a bond much stronger than healthy love. Most dysfunction is because of the feeling of loss of control.

When you're healthy and end a relationship for whatever reason, sure there's sadness and grief. The outrage? The years of pain? The desire to kill, maim? There's something much stronger at work there. A real feeling of loss of self and the entwined accompanying link to the other person as the thief.

Think about this. Living with someone that is an alcoholic. Risk to family? Huge. Not from an STD that will hit the partner, but the actual risk to everyone it the car, on the road every time they drive drunk. Their spouse often knows and while they do suffer the leveling of all they are or thought they were doesn't happen each time they do that, does it? Pissed? Yeah. Miserable? Of course. The compulsive stalking FB, computer, phone logs, loss of sleep, weight, psychologically viscerated, not so much.

Why does an affair cause the unreal pain whether the spouse even touches another? Really think about that. Think it's all about love? If so wouldn't letting go be so easy as true love isn't about owning or possessing.

If the spouse had come home and said I want out I'm betting high in a majority of the cases you'd see much the same responses. I've posted about an acquaintance that used to live across the street. The wife tried for years to get them help and him into anger management. Nope. She finally left. There was no one else. In fact, no one else for years. He fell apart. Damn near killed her and himself. Said to my ex, "God, I wish there was someone else. At least I could blame them". Yeah, pretty telling statement. I'd rather live in a tiny one room appt than a 3700 sq foot home with pool and game room in a nice location than with you. No web redemption for that one.

I wonder if the reason some BS's aren't able to heal is there is no number of days. Each day with an unremorseful spouse is another rejection.

Yep. My favorite line of a great opening post. Thanks U1!

It appears to me this would be easier if there was a smoking gun such as flat out abuse, alcoholism, drug use, orgies, etc. in my marriage...but there isn't any of that.

Not saying less painful, but easier to understand....kind of like He does things that altered his behavior...or....She was verbally abusive to me....sort of thing, something that could more clearly link the overall pain to, the overall disfunction too. KWIM?

I am just 1 year out from my DD...right now I have processed through the betrayal enough that I am looking intently at myself and my role in a troubled marriage prior to my wifes A.

It appears as if we were two nice people....or equally mean....or something trying to swim against a current we didn't know even existed.

We both knew what we DIDNT want....that is we didn't want to have a marriage like we saw in our parents. Congratulations....goal accomplished. Our marriage is different....but it is not healthy.

Over the years we both got glimpses of trouble but we didn't address them.....maybe FOO issues at play, maybe our parents as a point of reference was our lighthouse, maybe our lives outside of our marriage was busy enough to distract us....I just don't know. I think this is precisely why some therapist steer clear of looking into our past and troubled childhoods...a person could get lost there!

Now, here we are. We know better, and kinda desire to do better....but doubt, fear and pain interfere. Maybe they ALWAYS interfered, and we just now see it?

I like this post...but still wrestle with its meaning and validity of that meaning to our marriage.

Regardless if I use what is posted her to better myself...I do appreciate the thoughts it generates.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:10 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

I'm way late to the game here. Was reading journey from abandonment to healing last night and then spent an hour trying to find this post. Really wondering (not for the first time) if when WH says he wants out marriage, what he REALLY means is he doesn't want to be rejected and alone. That's a sad reality to look at and try and discern. If I apply the fear of abandonment/rejection filter through WH's actions since he drifted away from me 4 years ago to now - it makes SOOOO many things make sense.

It would explain why he chased his AP with such reckless abandon when she gave him mere kibbles. She clearly let him know he wasn't that important to her over and over in his 2 year affair yet he wouldn't let go. It would explain why he was in "love" with someone who, under normal circumstances, WH wouldn't even want to have a conversation with. It would explain why he says he is in love with me and I just don't see or feel it. It would explain how he was able to watch me dying emotionally for over a year, telling him I needed the truth, and he kept lying. It would explain why when I broke down from the weight and asked him to leave he held on even tighter, not seeing what he was doing to me. It would explain why I could cry and scream for him to just see me and he just clung to the idea that he wanted to stay.

So much to ponder in this post.