SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My poor children have to see him getting out of her bed. It's just so wrong. My boys said they are cross with her and want to live with me. She can't see what she's doing to them. Who is she?

Hi, that's the worst part isn't it? My children are having a hard time seeing her lying next to their dad, & they too are angry & disappointed with him. Miss 10 has told him she loves him but doesn't respect him or trust him. WS was very upset, he tried to blame me for putting these words in her mouth. She told him - NO dad these are values we used to share within our family. He did not know what to say. They are both upset & want to live with me permanently as well.

Just keep loving your children and being the best parent you can be. They will need one sensible and well-adjusted parent. Unfortunately the WS don't know what harm they are doing to their children or what they are doing to their relationship with their children. Hang him there.

So, a week on and my overall mood has become one of bewilderment mixed with reluctant acceptance.

Whilst I still sob uncontrollably and seemingly without provocation, their regularity has reduced to, maybe, once a day. Occasionally I have a day without sobbing at all. I'm not in the angry phase yet. Still in shock and surviving day to day.

There are triggers everwhere I look and the questions my children ask in an attempt to understand can also set me off. They speak often about how mummy no longer reads to them at bed time, no longer shares meals with them and the OM doesn't get involved much at all. Her whole priority has shifted toward ensuring that the OM doesn't find children too overwhelming and as a result she is doing all of the child care, house work, works FT, and then 'services' the OM in the evening. I expected yesterday (Sunday) to be their day of trying to bond as a family but she went out with the children and he had a day on his own. What is ironic is that we always were strongly of the opinion that we should eat as a family, spend weekends as a family and share the load generally.

I engaged my lawyer to initiate formal proceedings so that will arrive in the post this week. It helps me regain some control and feel less helpless.

The WW dropped by on Friday to give me some clothes for the children and she turned up in her best outfit and looked stunning. OM was in the car waiting. They had obviously been out for dinner or were just about to go out. That stung a bit as she looked gorgeous and she's doing the things with him that we used to do, albeit not very often because we rarely had a babysitter available. It hurts that I am their babysitter so they can have quality time alone together to build their relationship.

At least my boys love being with me and we share meals, do lots of activities and they know that I will always provide a home for them. We've never been closer, in fact.

I'll post again in a week, hopefully showing signs of further indifference and detachment. It's still very early days but the searing pain is not as life sucking as it once was. Still hurts like shit, but I can eat, laugh, sleep (on occasion)and go for 5 minutes without thinking about it. The only things I would love to subside more quickly are the mind movies. They are a killer.

[This message edited by allatsea at 2:43 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

Hang in there you are doing great.

((((allatsea)))))

I cannot express how much I admire your dignity and determination honey.

One day when this shit storm is over you will look back with pride seeing what a wonderful man and father you are.

You have done everything right.

BTW I loved the letter!!!

HUGS

Laura

Thanks for your kind responses.

she turned up in her best outfit and looked stunning. OM was in the car waiting. They had obviously been out for dinner or were just about to go out. That stung a bit as she looked gorgeous and she's doing the things with him that we used to do

From what transpired with me, I can relate and tell you (I hope I am wrong), but she is doing this intentionally. She either wants to hurt you furthur or get your reaction.

Nevertheless, I'm so sorry for you. In the end you'll turn up much stronger and much better.

These are hard times and you have to go 'through' it.

It does get better in the end.

Well I deliberately didn't react and was distracted by an unrelated text message at the time. In fact, whilst she was stood in the doorway, youngest DS called out from his bed that he was in pain (he had fallen off his bike earlier that day) and WW wanted to rush upstairs to comfort him. I said that I would deal with it and that it wasn't necessary for her to be involved. I went upstairs and when I returned she had walked off and looked emotional without saying goodbye.

I hate seeing her. I get overwhelming feelings of anxiety, loss, anger, sadness and hatred all mixed in together and it leaves me churned up for a couple of hours. I find myself shaking my head in disbelief that this has happened and feel stunned by her outward change in personality. Why does she want to hurt me more? If she had truly moved on and doesn't love me anymore, why try to hurt me?

As a wise person on SI once said "the opposite of love is indifference, not hate"

[This message edited by allatsea at 8:50 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

Yes, WHY

I ponder this too. My STBXW's personality is as cold and hurtful as I have ever known. Indifferent to my pain and the suffering she has caused. Indifferent to the turmoil she has visited upon her family and children.

Justified

Remorseless

I hate those two words now. All I get is remorseless justifications. She is NOT the person I married, and started a family with. She has become a stranger.

I never had a chance to R. She didn't want it. after I outted her POSMOM he ended it and she hates me more for that. I don't know why after 9 months she continues to hurt me. My In-laws and former friends all coaching her on how to best screw me out of my home, my business, my possessions, and ultimately - my family.

I wouldn't R with my POS WW. Sorry man, accept she is DEAD to you. Sometimes, I wish she would have just died. Finito

Your wife's coldness and outright hostility, coupled with flaunting the affair in your face, really reflects her insecurities.

She is inwardly terrified she has made a bad choice, so she tries to create a confrontational relationship with you to reinforce her decision to throw her lot in with the OM.

If you hate her and return the hostility, then it assuages her conscience concerning the terrible thing she has done to her family. You have to be the bad guy; if she ever starts showing you sympathy and warmth all her doubts and fears will re-appear.

So don't expect her to be nice anytime soon; she can't handle it.

OKNOW,,

She is inwardly terrified she has made a bad choice, so she tries to create a confrontational relationship with you to reinforce her decision to throw her lot in with the OM

Thank you for this! I couldn't understand why XWH brings her to our kids events (while she is still married to someone else, no less).

I am sorta starting to understand this crazyness.

If I continue to act happy, then he has to look at his own behavior. If I act crazy, he's looking at my crazy behavior and feeling justified. Right?

I know where you are. You're wondering where in hell did that wife I used to know go. My XW's Facebook page claimed that she was married to the most wonderful husband and father in the world. I thought sex and communication was great. Your break up seems to be very much like mine, except I have teenage daughters. My daughters gave her a choice to pick them or the married man. She left them without missing a beat. If she is a narcissistic as my XW, you may wind up with your boys. However, I will warn you, don't look for the karma train to come down the tracks and nail her. It's a waste of time and it may not happen. My XW has missed one son's marriage, three years of sending the girls off to proms, a Grandson being born, some wonderful vacations, a daughter graduating Salutatorian...on and on....yet she seems happy married to her new husband. Sometimes these people can move on and not look back, so don't worry about it and dedicate your life to your sons. Three years will pass before you know it and you will realize that she wasn't that great. It was you who was the special one that made your marriage so good. In the mean time, you will find that filling in as the mother too is very fulfilling.

Your wife's coldness and outright hostility, coupled with flaunting the affair in your face, really reflects her insecurities.

She is inwardly terrified she has made a bad choice, so she tries to create a confrontational relationship with you to reinforce her decision to throw her lot in with the OM.

If you hate her and return the hostility, then it assuages her conscience concerning the terrible thing she has done to her family. You have to be the bad guy; if she ever starts showing you sympathy and warmth all her doubts and fears will re-appear.

Superb Post. Thanks a lot for that @OK Now.

@allatsea. That quoted portion is your answer to 'Why'? mate.

Thanks chaps. It's what I needed to hear. Even the cruellest person has to have some demons to deal with after 19 years, right?

My children met the OM's parents on Sunday, it would appear. I've been utterly replaced.

She has to be dead to me, if I am ever going to have a hope of recovering from this.

You'll recover. Jacked up people are usually surrounded by other jacked up people. Normal people would be devastated that their son wrecked a family. They very good at lying to each other and themselves. They will convince each other that you are the bad guy. I know you're hurt, but people, including your boys can't see how bad you're hurt. Right before my oldest daughter graduated salutatorian in a small community, the principal of the school told me that he hopes that he never has what happened to me, happen to him, but if it does, he hopes he can handle it like me. He said that me and my daughters moved right on like nothing happened. I'm proud that's the way it appeared, but I hurt like hell for the first year. It was all my children and I could talk about. Even my married sons needed to call me up and vent. We all got together for a week during the last holidays and she wasn't brought up until the last day. You do move on. Good guys are hard to find....you're a good guy and when good women see what a good father you are, it will speak to their hearts. You stay strong. I'm going to finish this and pray that God gives you strength and wisdom....and you may see your sons hurt, but that will build character in them, if they see you handle it like a man.

I've been utterly replaced.

Hardly. You're their father. You can't ever be replaced. Take it from those of us who had absent or less-than-stellar fathers.

You are more important to them now than ever. They will need your sane counter-balance to your WS's crazy.

allatsea- just so you know there are loads of organisations in the the UK to help give free advice regarding Father's rights. A close friend of mine contacted Families need Fathers- they even have a forum and you could get great advice there.

The close friend I referred to has his boy 4 nights a week now by the way.

Idiot85

Thanks for this. The access to the children is the only thing she is being reasonable about - thankfully. Obviously I would prefer to see them every day of the week but that's never gonna happen. Not in this country.

allatsea- The laws are coming on you know- women are no long 'guaranteed' full residency. As I said, my mate has what's considered 'custody' his ex isn't a druggie or anything, she left my mate then shacked up with someone else. His solicitor advised to go for full custody with visitation rights but he didn't think it would be best for his son. The point is, if his solicitor thought it was possible...You get me?

At least she's being OK about it- I wouldn't let anyone take my kids away or try and limit 'access'. Stay strong mate.

Today is the day that my WW becomes my STBXWW. Papers arrive from the lawyer this morning. I am sure this will really piss her off and she will accuse me of being controlling and pushy. I will say that husbands normally feel inclined to file for divorce when their wife sleeps with another man and then moves in with her new lover and my children!

I don't feel I have any other option.

Last night I had the boys for the night. I went upstairs to check on them expecting them to be asleep. My DS(8) was still awake and thinking about his new situation. He was very emotional about the fact that he doesn't see both parents 7 days a week and commented again that mummy no longer eats with them, reads or plays with them and she tells them off a lot.

I can't say anything to the STBXWW as she will say that I am putting words in their mouth and that it's not true. I'm the last one she will listen to right now.

allatsea

BIG HUGS

Laura