SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

do damned if I do, damned if I don't. So once you have an affair, then you you are guilty for the rest of your life. Not allowed to be the good guy anymore. If I swoop in to save the day, I'm wrong because I had an affair. Even convicts become ex-convicts but those who have affairs are never an "ex".

This is why I hate this site and I think that it is half-baked people playing doctor. You don't know me even a little bit. Poeple can post about the most sorted details of an affair but if some post about credit card information, you throw a tizzy. I have read so much graphic detail on this site and it makes me sick. But if it is not about an affair then it is wrong and not welcomed. Just because this is not an affair, I can't post the details. I read a thread and my wife posted on it, about a woman that was having an affair that smelled her guys junk so see if her guy was having sex with his own wife. That is ok to post but if I throw out a few CC % interest rate then I'm wrong. Really?! Maybe you should go back are read my post with an open mind and digest what I am actually saying instead of being one of the mindless drones that pick a single sentence out of a multiple paragraph thread and focus on that?

Really miss Kirby?????

Did you happen to read all of the blameshifting, deflecting and lying that his wife has done in this thread??? And you want to put him in the hot seat?

She has all of the behaviors of a WS, she just did it with money instead of a person.

Idiot4Life...

You and your wife have a history of fighting on this site, since you can't seem to control your emoations without insulting the members and calling them names, we will escort you off the site.

To everyone else...

Please stay on topic and stay constructive.

Thank you.

Here is the thing. You are working on the problem in parallel instead of together. It sounds like she is motivated to hide the totals rather than face the issue. And that is on her.

Just like your A is on you. You own your own shit in the relationship.

At this point the cards have to be closed. If she doesn't have the willpower to not use them, then she has to stop the bleeding by closing them.

Not you. Her. She needs to own it and do it. She continues to act like a child and you continue to parent her financially. The only way to stop the dynamic is for both of you to be honest and make the effort to change it.

I would recommend that she find a lower interest rate card to transfer all of the balances to. And it would have to be in her name. I would not comingle the debt at this point even if it is better for the family.

You have to set aside some time(perhaps without the kids around) and get it all on the table and make a plan to fix it. And then do it. Stop asking and waiting. Stop debating. Set up the time and do it. Close the cards. Make payments if necessary. Transfer the balances if possible. Time for action.

[This message edited by redrock at 3:07 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

I agree with Redrock and TiredGirl. I did not hear a "rub it in your face" attitude from Idiot, more like the typical venting that you see here, except this is concerning finances. What it boils down to is he was betrayed, and her TT'ing is a soure of frustration. I am also picking up a "once a WS, always the bad guy" vibe from some posts. I think Idiot just wants to feel some sort of vindication. He fucked up, but his wife is no saint, either. We are all human, and things are not as black and white as some would like to make it out to be.

This topic hits very close to home for me.

PLEASE work together and face your issues, BOTH of you.

I am the child of a couple just like you. My dad was the primary breadwinner who managed the money. My mom racked up debt and spent all of both of their paychecks. My mom basically gaslighted my dad.

Result?

The house foreclosed. They divorced. Neither has money saved for retirement. I'm in my mid-20s and still have not finished college because my parents left their finances unaddressed and didn't save a dime for my education, AND thanks to the foreclosure, neither can cosign on a student loan - not even the PLUS.

Address your finances -- for your kids if not yourselves.

Whoa. I didn't say you shouldn't fix things because you were the WS rather than a BS. I said that you shouldn't fix things because you should be working together to fix them. You coming in to save the day isn't actually going to help with the spending. It is putting a temporary fix on a much bigger problem. Yes, it will be paid off but will the coping method for her actually be solved? Even if, as suggested, you close the CC's, I think there's still more work for her to figure out why that is her coping method. So fixing it isn't really fixing it, if you see what I mean.

As for pulling one line out, yes, that does happen. Especially if it is a very telling line, which in this case, I felt it was. I specifically said that it was my opinion and I even apologized if I had misread your intent.

As for the rest, I completely agreed that B&N was in the wrong. I didn't mean at all to sound as though she's a saint. I gave her some empathy, as as I had said, I have been in a similar situation. And I think that is my main issue with all of this: It was HER thread. Had this been a thread in the WS forum and the BS had come on bashing the WS and telling everything he or she had done wrong, I would have felt just as uncomfortable with it.

So here is what I am good at…project planning and making my goals.

YOU may be good at that at that, but by taking on the responsibility and control you are losing an opportunity to work together.

I have read you both talk about your personal plans but where is your plan as a couple? You seem to want to take over and she seems to want the independence but not the accountability.

You both have the chance to work on something and grow. Sharing the responsibility and control. Making things team oriented instead of divide and conquer.

If numb is more involved and proactive in bill paying, budget making, and feeding savings she will gain those skills and confidence.

As part of a team I am much less likely to say 'fuck it' and charge something I know really isn't affordable( for example-takeout over cooking - after a long day) because we have gone over the budget and know where everything is going that month. If we do have a 'fuck it' sort of night we both have to agree to it.

The question is - Is she willing to put the work into knowing and being a responsible party and are you willing to open some of areas up for discussion and compromise?

When one attempts to shove a square peg into a round hole, one does disservice to both the square peg and the round hole. I think it's wrong for the husband to demand his wife labor on something that is causing her this amount of stress. Doing so reminds her of what pre-empted the need to get the credit cards. If her best attempt is to write out the debts on a piece of paper and give it to husband, then husband needs to accept that. In cooking circles, the husband who excels at Excel would be considered a master chef while the wife who is a line cook is expected to know everything there is to know about making a tremendously wonderful Sauerbraten. No can do, dude. No can do. Come down off the high horse a bit and work WITH the wife.

Like, "See, I'm so much better than her! I'm not going to put her through what she did to me! Yay me!"

His sentence above the one you quoted was

With that being said, now I have the information and I can start processing a plan to make it for away.

I think that was what the grilling was talking about. That he didn't need to as he now had the information he needed to set about getting out of that hole.

If this thread was in the WS forum I'm sure there would be much the same responses. Justification and excuses don't fly.

This isn't about who wears what label. "Wayward behavior" is unhealthy regardless who displays it. The problem can be in the understanding. Sometimes it seems if it can be understood because it comes from a fellow betrayed it can be looked at as something other than what it truly is...using another's actions to excuse your own.

That's the wayward manual in cliff notes form right there.

Hit submit too soon:

If you can both work together to get through this that is great and a good way to build a solid foundation for a new healthy relationship.

Parent/child is an awful dynamic.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 6:17 PM, June 30th (Sunday)]

It's been my experience that people who have such a terrible relationship with money don't change because someone else pays the bills. They change because they set up boundaries with their partner and figure out ways to deal with it. Much like paying off a drug dealer won't make a junkie stop getting high, paying off a shopaholics debt won't make them want to stop getting high either.

Much like with infidelity, this type of problem needs to be dealt with at it's root as well I4L. I commend you for wanting to come in and clean up the mess, but there's more to it then just cleaning it up, the issue with BW needs to be dealt with or this will keep happening.

Within one year, I will have this $13K gone. I love my wife too much to let something as $13K get in the way.

How about a little teamwork?

"If *we* work together -- utilizing hubby's project planning and goal-setting techniques and wife's ability to pinch a penny and stick to budget -- then within 12-18 months *we* can make this $13K disappear. Since we love each other, we're going to focus on calm communication and fiscal transparency to resolve this problem together."