Thank you all, again. Just got through with a long talk after he came back from his IC. He apologized for everything, again. Apologized for lying to me, again. Apologized for causing me pain, again. I see a theme developing here. Tried to weazle a bit about semantics and asked me what I was expecting to see when I opened the door. I told him exactly what I saw, him betraying me again. Praying that I would be embarrassed by him being on the toilet playing solitaire on his phone, but as I knew his computer wasn't in it's normal place, I expected to see exactly what I did see.
And I let him have it. Calmly, with no tears, matter-of-factly.
You are addicted, I said. You have a compulsion that is so strong, that every time you feel stress, you convince yourself that what you're doing is OK. You may want me, but you want porn more, and I won't be put in third place in my marriage. You've made your choice you want porn more than me. Actually, you want both of us, but you want porn over me. Be happy, I said, you've made your decision.
Let me tell you what you've taken from me, though. You've taken from me of 1/2 of my family, who I have to say goodby to over Thanksgiving. You've taken from me my SIL that I can call up and crack jokes with. You've taken from me the chance to watch our oldest nephew get married and become a father. You've taken from me getting to see my youngest SIL finally meet that man that will see her for the wonderful woman that she is. You've taken all of these people away from me.
You've also made it imperative that I time going to see my mother and my stroke-damaged father, to let them know that the man that they love as a son, who they are praying for a negative biopsy for, betrayed their daughter and is no longer a part of their life. I have to travel up there to tell them in person and break their hearts. You've chosen this for me by your decisions.
And make no mistake, if our separation leads to divorce, I will not be your friend. I will not be your soft place to fall. I will not be your acquaintance. I will cut you out of my life and I will go on to live my life without you. And you will meet more women. And any quality woman, who eventually discovers your addiction to porn will leave you. You will get some low-class skank who will see you as a walking dollar sign, will bed you, pop out a child for you, and then have you by the balls for the rest of your life. And you can take that low-class skank to meet your relatives and show them what type of woman you replaced me with.
He wanted to know if there was any chance for R. I asked him to turn it around. If I had done to him what he did to me, would he have any solutions? Would he have any trust? Would there be anything that would be possible. He got very quiet and said that he just couldn't think of anything right then.
I figured, what the hell. I said there's only one chance and it's no guarantee. You get treatment for your addiction to porn. I will no longer tolerate it anywhere around me. No Playboy, no nightware ads, nothing. You go to SA, you see a CSAT if your IC isn't' qualified, and you get a sponsor that you can call whenever you have the urge. At that point, he told me that that is what his IC suggested that he should do as well. I told him, you do all that, you change your life, and there is a possibility. But I want you to know, I am still seeking a legal separation. I intend to protect myself.
And I am. If he turns his life around and I still give a damn, well, we'll see. But he is out of my room and I am going to see my lawyer to get ready to file. Because this time, it's going to be all about me. Since I have little faith that he will actually follow through.
