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omg I can't deal with this. I want my life back. I want an intact family. I hate him but don't want to be alone. It's 3 in the morning and I can't get to sleep. My head is spinning, I feel so sick. He has the upper hand again. He is threatening me, saying he will make things very difficult for me. Says he is done with me and our daughters. Says he doesn't give a sh*t about any of us, doesn't care if he hurt us. Says he is proud of what he has done. Says he can and will f*ck lots of women and it's none of my business anymore. Why is he doing this to us? He has already destroyed us with his ONS, why is he trying to hurt us even more?

He started out wanting to reconcile but thought his "I'm sorry's" would and should make everything better. He said I should just get over it. He made and mistake and oh well, it happens to lots of couples. I hate him for being so nonchalant about the whole thing.

I can't stop crying, I don't want to be here anymore. I am sorry I sound so dramatic, but it's the way I feel right now. I am going to lose it.

Just wanted to send you virtual hugs. Stay strong what you're feeling is normal for all betrayed spouses. He is showing you who he really is. Until he shows true remorse please don't take him back. Time heals so just take it one day at a time. You will survive.

I am so so sorry.

I wanted to reply as our situations are so similar.

My FWH had a ONS and he told the woman he was single. I KNOW this is true because after I knew he did it I installed a keylogger on his computer, and I saw him contact her again and her knock him back because he "lied about being single". I also got all that stuff about how he didn't get enough attention (me me me) after my (3) children came along.

My FWH also had history - I don't know about anything physical but definitely loads of online stuff and EAs. He's told me more as time went on (after d-day) never once did he say sorry.

My FWH is now doing exactly what yours said he would do - he has women all over the place. He seems to think it is normal to tell your ex wife this sort of thing, but I am numb to it now, it only makes me feel more delighted that I decided to divorce him.

As gently as possible, your WH doesn't sound remotely sorry. Unless he really tries hard to apologise, show remorse and work for your M, it's going to be very hard for you to R.

There are other options, and from one who knows, sometimes D is the only way.

Take care of YOU now xxx

PS Also I would advise to get STD tested asap and see if he will too.

He is threatening me, saying he will make things very difficult for me. Says he is done with me and our daughters. Says he doesn't give a sh*t about any of us, doesn't care if he hurt us. Says he is proud of what he has done. Says he can and will f*ck lots of women and it's none of my business anymore.

I haven't read all of your posts, but if he's threatening you, I hope you have gotten a very strong lawyer. The divorce process can be a brutal one.

He doesn't care that he's hurt his family and is proud of what he's done? Sounds like some of the delusional things I heard from my X. He didn't say he didn't care about our hurt, but he kept doing the actions. And he didn't see anything wrong with buying sex - he planned to do it in the future if we "didn't work out". Seriously whacked!

Big hugs to you! Keep breathing, take good care of yourself and your daughters, as best you can. Make that your focus. (After you have found a strong lawyer!)

The best thing you can do for your daughters is show them this behavior is not acceptable.

The turnaround from grovelling apology to brutal anger is a normal response. You have some control. You are making some decisions. It is a childish way to behave, but try to understand that he doesn’t know what else to do. He now realises the enormity of what he has done and sees his life slipping out of his hands. That has made him angry. He has lost control of his life and there is very little he can do. You have detached and thrown him out. Not what he wanted or expected. And after being thrown out, he wanted you to plead and beg for him to come home. He wanted you to make him feel better about what he did. He wanted forgiveness on a scale that is saintly. He wanted you to take him back into your arms, soothe him like a little boy and tell him everything would be okay.

Well, he made a huge error of judgement. He does not realise just how badly you have been hurt. He does not realise that this is the worst thing he could ever have done. Ever.

So. He shifts the blame. He will find “reasons” as to why he cheated. He will lie, minimise, wriggle and do anything to get out of the situation he finds himself in. This was HIS choice. It was NOTHING to do with you and certainly not your fault. But he will try and make it so.

He is watching you and your DDs suffer – and hates himself for being the cause of that. He doesn’t want to deal with his own emotional response to that, so he blanks it out with anger – the only way he knows how. It is his response to his fear. It is like a child’s rage – out of control. He feels you are over reacting and that you are judging him unfairly. He has made it less in his own mind in order to rationalise his current attitude. Again, the child in him is saying THIS ISN’T FAIR!!!!!

And then he moves on in this way, getting more and more angry and making you the reason for his predicament. He now wants to make YOU hate HIM so that he can say YOU are a horrible person doing all these nasty things and turning your DD away from him, thus justifying his attitude. He wants a self fulfilling prophecy in the circle of hate. He wants you to hate him, then he can be the horrible person because, in his mind, you are worse than he is because you can’t forgive, forget and move on.

He says he can fuck who he wants. Yes, he can. He is saying that to hurt you more. Ignore it. Shrug your shoulders. You cannot control him but you can control your responses to him.

Expect more.

Read up on the 180 and how to implement it to keep you sane and the barrier up against his hostility. Read up all the relevant posts in Great Posts for Newbies in JFO, esp the one on communicating with a foggy spouse – because he clearly is in the fog.

And know you will come through this. These are your darkest days. Put one foot in front of the other and plan your tactics dealing with him. Know what you want and focus on that. Remember, these were HIS choices. He cannot blame you for the consequences.

Big hugs

UKg

eta If you haven't done so, start a diary. If you are using a lawyer, get all details of his threatening behaviour written and sent to him/her.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:10 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

Thank you everyone for your responses. You help so much to put things into perspective. Even as you are all suffering in your own situations, you have shown so much insight and compassion.

I can't thank you enough and hope that I, too can help others going through this same nightmare and pain.

Thank you everyone for your responses. You help so much to put things into perspective. Even as you are all suffering in your own situations, you have shown so much insight and compassion.

I can't thank you enough and hope that I, too can help others going through this same nightmare and pain.

Divorce papers arrived at his work yesterday. He came home to tell me he would look for an apartment and that he would sit down with the lawyers and uncover all of his assets for equal distribution. Laws in my state already dictate that so he is doing nothing over and above. However, he also threatened me with..."If I get any threatening letters from your lawyer, I will get very angry and go to jail if I have to" You see, he is part owner of a large business and I would get 25% of that business in cash...it's a large sum of money. I am sure he is trying to protect that, not to mention that his partner wouldn't like it one bit.

Well that night, he comes home, I have a migraine, and he is all loving and caring. What a tool. Sorry, he may have sweet talked his whore into bed but he can't sweet talk me into reconciling so that he can protect his assets for the future.

Migraines. Me too. Unable to get up off the bathroom floor at times. Doctors giving injections to stop me throwing up. The sense of violation knowing he told MOW about them.

Back to you. Make sure you are on top of things. If you want or think there is the faint chance of reconciliation, keep things close. Watch carefully. He is still threatening you – if you push, he is willing to go to jail – so that you get nothing!!! Um, don’t think so. Yes, he is trying to protect his assets and you shouldn’t be surprised at that. However, the partner? The partner is going to be pissed if your WH is going down the plughole and is more likely to try and protect his OWN interests. So no worries there! Your WH’s reputation is likely to go down the pan too, and that will be another issue to add to his anger. Expect the unexpected. Be vigilant.

He was all loving and caring to show this side of him that you like. It won’t last. He can only do that for so long before the need to make you into the one at fault returns. Make the most of it, but don’t trust it. It will be short term.

If he and you want reconciliation, you need to get into IC and Mc asap. Otherwise, this is destined for the rapid downhill slide to divorce. Either way, make sure you are ready for any event. Protect yourself, protect your DDs and protect your finances/assets. Seek sound advice, take on board all that is relevant to you from this site and keep to the 180 and “foggy spouse” advice. If you want, you CAN pull back from this, but you have to lay down the rules and adhere to them. He can be in no doubt as to the consequences if he ignores your wishes.

Whatever you choose, we will be there for you, helping you through and holding you up. Be strong. Take control. Be one step ahead. Believe in yourself.

It's another Friday and I am in tears again. The weekends are so tough. I have plans with friends and family but I always looked forward to our plans together. Even if that meant staying home and watching a movie. I hate to admit it but I miss him. 42 years together is a long time. He has been on 2 business trips -one last week and one coming up this week. Even though I have filed for divorce and in my heart I know it's what I have to do, I long for what was and what was supposed to be.

Also, even though my two wonderful daughters understand what is happening and why, my heart breaks for them. They truly are such wonderful, loving, caring young women and it breaks my heart that their dad can't spend time with them during this difficult time. He just keeps on with his life. He should have cancelled those trips and spent time with his daughters. I don't even want to think about what is going on during these trips. I am such a fool for sticking around this long.

LMom, I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry all of us are going through this. This is the crappiest, most shattering event I have ever been through. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. This forum (I've been reading posts for weeks..just got courage to post) has been a godsend. I cannot explain to people IRL just how overwhelming and all-consuming this is. HUGE hugs to you and your family. I think once the WS realizes he cannot manipulate his way back in, they turn angry/ugly. You are strong. You can do this.

Thank you, beginningagain, I am trying to be strong. Thank you for being here.

Hugs to you.

Gosh, I actually thought that maybe you 2 were going to work it out and that your cheater would do anything...

And you said he said stuff about glad he hurt you and can't wait to fuck all the women he wants?

God, what a fucktard.

I'm so sorry. I am married to a world class cheater - blue ribbon cheater. A tool, a fucktard, asshole.

But - after Dday - never has he said he was glad, didn't care about his family and wants to fuck everything around. Of course, he has fucked a lot of women, so maybe it's been there done that. But to say it - please.

What a 2 year old brat/toddler/shit head.

Sorry, here I was hoping he'd get his head out of his ass and instead he stuck his whole body up there.

I'd get a forensic accountant. Business owners are very excellent at hiding things. You will be fucked over the coals, sweets, if you don't get a forensic accountant. And get a bastard attorney - switch if you have to. Someone who will fuck your fucktard over so badly the last thing your husband will do is to say anything to you, write anything to you, threaten you... These bastard lawyers are worth their weight in gold and it looks like you need the best because your husband is way over the cliff on this one.

And I'm sure there is a ton you don't know about.

Good luck, but with the right lawyer and accountant you won't need it. Maybe start recording all conversations with your husband, even if it's against the law to do so in your state. At least you can re-listen or have your lawyer hear what he is saying.

Girl, your WH is 59 years old. He is NOT likely to change, and his lovey-dovey stuff was just fake.

Please find the strength and courage to do what mychild suggested:

I'd get a forensic accountant. Business owners are very excellent at hiding things. You will be fucked over the coals, sweets, if you don't get a forensic accountant. And get a bastard attorney - switch if you have to. Someone who will fuck your fucktard over so badly the last thing your husband will do is to say anything to you, write anything to you, threaten you... These bastard lawyers are worth their weight in gold and it looks like you need the best because your husband is way over the cliff on this one.

And I'm sure there is a ton you don't know about.

If your WH is part owner in a business, along with you having 25%, he is likely to try and pull a fast one on you...and maybe even his other partner. I'm so sorry to say he's not likely to be trustworthy at all, in any way, shape or form.

UKgirl is right on too. Are you familiar with the 180? It may help you during these next days and weeks.

Please protect yourself financially. He's already shown you his true colors. Believe him.

((((LMomof2)))), be strong.