SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As per my name I've been cheated on more than once.

But I'll go back to my first and hopefully tell you some of the long term mistakes I made.

I met my ex when I was 18 - first day of school. We were together all through college. He wanted to get married from almost our first date.

We took jobs in different cities after graduation as I wanted to work a year before getting married.

We had the wedding planned, church, dress, the whole works and 6 weeks before the wedding he eloped with the woman he'd been cheating with during our year apart.

Believe me that I know how you feel. Anger, humiliation, even revenge.

In less than 6 months he was calling me, crying on the phone that he'd made such a mistake and would I please see him. I did not want him back. I even told his wife in an effort to get him to stop calling me. It did for awhile.

I moved on and truly found the love of my life. I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him. But after he'd professed love and future to me he hooked back up with an old girlfriend and married her - He didn't even have the decency to tell me. He just disappeared from my life.

But here's where I get into the advice part. Please don't let yourself lose the ability to trust again. Maybe this man will never again deserve your trust, but don't live your life by thinking men can't be trusted.

I did. And you know what it got me. Relationships with men who could not be trusted because I just assumed that's how men were and would put up with too much.

I went through a lot of therapy and did not have a date for about a decade before I met my now DH. My DH is trustworthy. I am not on this site because of his cheating. But because of my inability to trust.

There's still a part of me that believes it still could happen. Sometimes I feel like Charlie Brown and that football.

Okay, here it is. That 4 letter word we all hate but know in our hearts is the thing we need the most. Are you ready for it?

T.I.M.E. time, Time, time, TIME

Do not make any major decisions yet. Take some time - take lots of time. You are in so much pain do you honestly think you can think rationally?

Yep, TIME - you need to take you time. This could be the biggest decision in your life and you want to make a conscious effort to clear your head of most of the mess that is happening right now and think as clearly as you can.

TIME TIME TIME TIME

Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it. You guys are knocking sense into me :)

You doing OK today, Andrea?

Just thinking about you & hope all is well.

Thanks OMG6886. I am meeting my husband tonight…very nervous but I want to hear what he has to say. I will update you guys later. I am scared shitless.

Sending you strength, dignity and grace.

(((Andrea))) good luck tonight. Sending you strength!

[This message edited by childofcheater at 3:46 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

Sending many hugs your way & hope it goes well!!

Heres the cliff notes version, my hands ate still shaking from our meeting. I am sitting in my car trying to calm down before I go home to the kids.

So I met my husband for the first time since I kicked him out 8 days ago. When he first saw him, he tried to hug me. I told him, if you don't want me to make a scene, he will sit his ass back down right away. Immediately, he started to get teary eyed. I told him to cut that shit out and tell me what he wants to say. He kept apologizing for his 'transgression' and told me again, he only had sex 'once' like that makes it ok.I told him, I don't believe ANYTHING you say. I asked him how f$&@$ing someone else felt, he didn't respond. His mouth fell open. He told me he had strong feelings for her, but he loves me so much. I told WS, is that supposed to make me feel better? i told him when my husband falls in love with another woman essentially our marriage is over and asked why he played 'daddy' to her child, he said he just got sucked in and he hates himself. It seems they spent a lot of time together, more than I initially thought. I told him I had seen a lawyer, and he started bawling in Starbucks. I told him I don't know if can ever forgive or trust you. He started begging me to take him back. I told him at this moment I can't. He told me he has had NC with the woman since he ended it, but I told him I don't believe him once again. I told him, how could I? All those nights you claimed to be working at the hospital, you were with your new family. He started crying again. He is very scared of losing his family and the kids finding out what he did( even though they are 2 and 5). I feel numb. I told him I don't think I can get past this and need time. He said how much time...I said I don't know. He is very upset but I told him he caused this. I said what did I do to deserve this?? He took full responsibility for the affair and still doesn't understand why he did it. He is coming over tomorrow to take the kids out. He just kept saying how sorry he was and how much he loves me and our family. I am not in the place where I can hear that.

He was begging me not to go back to the lawyer...I told him in my mind we are separated and I won't be hiding this from anyone. We need to sit the kids down and explain the situation. I want to see a child psychologist before we do that. So I guess we are officially separated. He seems like he was a mess and kept saying how much he hates himself. He suggested MC, but I said I'm not ready for that.

I kept telling him you knew how much my dads philandering affected, WTF where you thinking??? He couldn't even respond to that.

I don't feeling anything...I just think I'm in shock again. I want to numb this pain. I thought meeting him would make me feel better, but I only feel worse. We met for 30 minutes and just looking at him hurt. I am so heartbroken for my kids....I feel sick. I don't feel like I learned anything new from him. Why the f did this happen???? Who the hell did I marry????????

((Andrea)) that sounds like it was difficult for you. I'm glad to hear he's going to see the kids. It sounds like he's got his own pity party going on. He should have brought you proof of NC if possible. Did he offer to go to IC even if you don't do MC yet? Also I know you're feeling pretty unsure about R, but you should spell out the boundaries of your separation. I.e. just because you haven't given him hope of R doesn't mean he should be hedging his bets with OW.

[This message edited by childofcheater at 6:26 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

Did he offer to go to IC even if you don't do MC yet?

This is actually what needs to happen before you can even consider reconciliation or mc. Tell him he needs to snap out of it and get some help from a professional to answer the question of "why." Tell him that, up until he made the choice to chat, there was nothing wrong with the marriage. His choice tochat indicates that there IS, however, something wrong with HIM.

He seemed reluctant to go to IC which angered me. I told him he has to go if he wants a chance at maybe saving our marriage. How should I get proof of NC?? I just feel like my husband fell in love with another woman, what am I even fighting for at this point??

Oh God, Andrea.....my heart just bleeds for you right now. I so wish I could give you a hug!!

I know this shit just rips your heart out & it is soooo hard to trust them again.

I agree that you need to set the separation rules. He needs to do a NC letter/email to OW basically saying she was the worse mistake of his life & to never contact him again. You need to be CC'd on the email so you can see that it is sent.

He also needs to see an IC, read all he can & any/every book you suggest & basically anything & everything you want.

He also needs to SHOW you he is working on these things without you guiding him along. His words right now are cheap & mean nothing.

And this can all be done living separate. Then it is whatever you want to do after that.

I know some couples are both on SI & maybe your WS would benefit posting on the wayward side??? This is your safe-haven though, so you may not like that idea.

From my tagline, you can see, I am VERY ashamed to say, that I have been a BW & a WW, so I understand both sides & maybe it would help each other to read what the other thinks, feels, & is going thru. Or I know 1 couple on here who have set rules about reading each others postings.

Just some thoughts for you though. Sending hugs & prayers your way!!!

Right now, "taking full responsibility for the A"

are just words unfortunately. It's like people expect it to be some kind of magic spell; "If I *take responsibility* it will all go away."

Begging you to not go back to the L...his main concern are consequences to himself. He's not at remorse yet, which is concerned about the consequences to others (you & the littles).

I think you handled contact very strongly, very well. You'll need true remorse from him to Reconcile if you choose to offer that gift. From afar, I'd guess he's not there yet. His crying - don't you have the sense that the tears are for the pain he's in? - instead of tears for your pain?

& not seeing the kids - oof!

ACTIONS will tell, not words.

PS

Read my tagline to get ideas @ telling your littles. There's no rush about that right now either. Take the pressure off for awhile - you could consider; "Your father has important work/project to do" or somesuch to explain his absence. For now.

hugs girl

Hugs to you, Andrea! I so feel for you. I've been with my WH for 22 years and am still shocked that he could do what he did, that he could fall "in love" with another woman, that he could plan to raise HER children. ????? A year out, and I still don't completely understand.

You do not have to make any decisions right now regarding R and D. But please don't underestimate the love he has for you. He has a sh---y way of showing you; he obviously has some issues that demand some time with a therapist; but he loves YOU. He's only infatuated with her.

My SAWH told me (again, still can't wrap my head around this) last night that he told OW that he loved his wife and his family. But he was broken and for a multitude of reasons (he's a SA, we were at a low point in our marriage, 4 children are stressful, having her interest validated him, it was exciting, etc.), he decided that love wasn't enough.

A year ago, before I knew about his A, I knew he was unhappy and I was prompted to make some changes I felt would help my M to be stronger. Two months later, when I learned what was really going on, I continued my self-improvement projects. I did, however, re-evaluate them and make sure that they were primarily for me. If he benefited, fine, but it was my turn for some self-love. The difference is that my "selfishness" blesses me, my children, and--if he chooses to continue to heal--him. So if he were to leave tomorrow, I'd be crushed. Any other reaction would be a lie. But I'm stronger, I'm happier, I'm more at peace--I'm a better person. And if I choose to leave, it's because I've evaluated everything, observed, healed, and realized that there's no future with him. I will be able to tell my children that I did EVERYTHING I could to save my marriage so that they could have two loving parents in their lives on a daily basis. I owe them and myself a prayerful, intelligent, logical decision and not a knee-jerk reaction--which is what mine would have been in anything under a year. Yours might be anything under 6 months. Or 6 weeks. The prevailing wisdom here is a year. Being at that point now, I'm amazed at how much difference a year CAN make.

In the meantime, be good to yourself and to your babies. And, regardless of what you choose for your future, set the pattern now and be good (in appropriate ways) to your WH who is and will always be the father of your children. IMHO, the dignity that preserves is powerful.

((((AndreaL))))

He may or may not have fell in love with the OW. He wouldn't be the first WS who falls in lust, but somehow in the f-ed up brain of some WS, doing all that nasty for "luurrrvve" makes it ok on some level - to THEM. Keeping someone as a dirty little secret doesn't sound so much like love in my book, but what do I know?

Well, I know this. Unless he gets his messed up head into IC, he won't ever know WTF he did or why or how he would keep himself from doing it again. And if it were me, I wouldn't do R or MC with him until he did the work on himself. It takes two healthy people to make a healthy relationship - so why go to MC with someone who is demonstrating such unhealthy behaviors.

You take care of you. IC can be helpful for the BS, not because you're nutso, or whatever, but because you have been traumatised. Truly. And IC can be helpful in helping you recover from that in a healthy way.

Take your time, as much as you need. He bloody had 2 months (that you know of) to decide what he wanted (and looks like he wanted both ). You allow yourself the time you need to make the best decision for you.

Again, if it were me, IC for him would be a requirement.

I agree that it's just words at this point. Until he hands you his phone to look through, gives you login info for any account and sits on his hands while you check...it's all talk.

He should be eager to find and see an IC. He should be asking to transfer away from OW. And he damn well shouldn't be standing your kids up. WTF was that about? That's NOT a man eager to have his family.

He seemed reluctant to go to IC which angered me.

His reluctance to go to IC equates to reluctance to reconcile. Like I said before, his choice to cheat was HIS choice because of something broken in him, NOT the marriage. If he doesn't know why he's taken this destructive route, then what good will mc do? It's like seeing an oncologist for heart troubles. He needs to diagnose his own problem because it started in him and spread to the marriage. The antidote must be injected in the source of the infection before it can travel to the surrounding tissue that's been affected by it.

I can just feel the pain in your post. My heart is breaking for you. I know the emotional part of the affair and playing daddy to the OW's child while neglecting his own must be the hardest part for you to forgive. As a mother myself, my heart breaks most for my children.

You're on the right path to successful reconciliation or divorce whichever one you'll choose. I applaud women like you who immediately kick the cheater out and let them earn their way back in because that's exactly what I did in my situation. Stay strong!

Huge hugs!

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 1:41 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Andrea

I also can feel the excruciating pain you are going through...its clearly evident in your posts.

My WW said almost the same thing as your WH..o got "it didnt happen that often" ...and like you, WTF......like that makes a difference it was insluting to my dignity when she said that.

If i can impart anything to you... its that you can take back "telling" others ... so I ask you to be absulutely sure you want your children to know. YOu know how your father impacted you...and just be sure you want this for your kids.

Its unfair to us the faithful spouses...as we have to make decisions for the greater good of our families while our wayward spouses....just did their own thing with no conscience of thought of all the consequences to their families.

My "Heart of Hearts" bleeds for you... i was there in March 2012. I send you great strength to get thru this. YOu will survive and be stronger.

I chose not to tell anyone. I applaud you for kicking him out of the house. That certainly will get him out of his FOG they are all in when their little dirty secret is out of the bag.

My WW also interacted with AP's sons and AP interacted with our daughter.

YOu do not have to make any decisions at this time...take your time to sort thru all this and he does need to go to IC

Suggest reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass avail on amazon. If you chose to stay and R, know that its very possible and many emerge on the other side with a stronger marriage. But thats all up to you.

Sending you HUGS.... you are stronger than I was and i give you sooo much credit

me: 58

her WW- 57

7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss

one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB

married 25 yrs

in "R" and its been roller-coaster

D-day 3-13-12

confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spend 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)

I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards

True NO Contact- July 2012

Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly

its a long road....and painful