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Your wife sounds incredibly selfish. All she cares about is having EA on the computer and doesn't want any kind of transparency.

Sure sounds like she has done or is doing more than just playing games on the computer.

What do her parents actually say about her having an affair. I can see parents sticking up for their kids, but having an affair is not like just burning dinner.

Have you asked your wife anything like, are her computer friends more important than staying married.

Selfish is the word that keeps coming to mind.

My apologies to Freeme and the ladies, for the "guy talk" It was for effect.

I have no idea if the EAs continue. I have no access to her phone. No transparency. That causes alot if fear for a BS and seems like the bare minimum for rebuilding trust

so what will you do for you today?

180 brother. Right now it is your best friend.

This is my take on it

Her.. 4 days of no attention.. I don't like this very much. I'm going to "Hurt" him so he will cave. "JIPT I'm thinking of divorce.."

You.. "great I was thinking the same thing."

Her.. "oh shit, that didn't work"

You... Steadfast and uncompromising in your position.

Her.. time to bring out the artillery. He might not fold for me but he will never be able to stand up to "him" hurting the kids. "JIPT I'm telling the kids".

You.... Not just yet.

She is waiting for you to fold. You keep the hungry wolves of reality at bay.

Think of this as no different than dealing with a heroin addict. They will do anything to keep using. Anything! She is trying to stop the intervention you are getting ready to do. She will either wake up or stay an addict. The worst thing you can do for an addict is enable them. Some of them keep using. At that point the best thing you can do is stay away from them.

I get how you feel. Dude you are like the abused woman that's getting beat up and seeing her relationship how it was before the punches started. Even though she is "in love" do you think she is better off with her abuser?

Think about that....

If you fold she doesn't have to change. She REALLY doesn't want to change. She likes her life just fine. She knows if she gives in her way of life is over.

You owe it to your kids to be the leader. You owe it to your kids to not stand for a home with a wife that cheats. I reconciled so I'm not telling you not to do that. I think this is the only way you reconcile. I have done what you are doing and it worked. Me and my wife are better for it.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 10:34 AM, March 28th (Friday)]

Damaged. You are right. My best friend has a theory: she killed the marriage in her heart a long time ago. She cheated thinking that would end the marriage. When i forgave and urged R she had a spark of maybe but the messiness and vilnerability if healing and amending her devastation is more responsibility thAn her selfish defensiveness can comprehend.

I wish i could just be stoic like her. But i wont sell my soul for that.

Thank you everyone. You are like family. Your words are helping me inch through the day.

The more I think about it the more I think she is bluffing in hopes you will cave. Her "hand" sucks. You are holding 4 aces.

I think she asked you to hold off filing so her parents could see them as a delaying tactic. She is still trying to impose her will on you.

You want to see a change in her? From this point forward do EXACTLY as you wish without any regard for her at all. She will not like this but she will not ignore it. You will be shoving her out of her comfort zone and she is going to respond like a petulant child.

Keep walking your path...

She didnt want papers sent to attorney prior to her patents seeing. Thats all.

She is in a midlife crisis for sure. Her next boyfriend will be 3o ish tatooed and gruff. She has been drawn to the construction manly man look over past couple years. I sm a business man. Dont fit the bill

JIPT,

She isn't being stoic, she is just being emotionally dead towards you.

Please do not engage her---no matter how badly that you want to do so. It will only set you back.

I am sorry for what you are going through. A remorseless spouse is one of the worst things to deal with. To be discarded...so easily...from their lives, is just incomprehensible to most people.

She didnt want papers sent to attorney prior to her patents seeing

I seriously hope that you aren't going to even consider doing this. That's going to be like warmly inviting the wolf into the chicken coop.

If you decide to file, then just fill out the paperwork and file it. Your WW will be able to *see* the papers when they are served to her, and then she can show them to her parents if she wants to.

did you send the papers to her parents yet? I don't think you should.

I'm with damaged -- I think she thinks you are going to back down again.

when you fall off of the 180 horse (text:Cuddle) you need to get back on again. She isn't taking this seriously and knows she can manipulate you. She really needs to see what it's like without you. -- You shouldn't be working 40 hours making dinner for everyone and cleaning the house for everyone.

Do more, just you and the kids things. Do more things just for you. Tell her to get a full time job. Stop funding her hobbies...

[This message edited by Freeme at 11:10 AM, March 28th (Friday)]

Yes she said to serve her papers last night. Should next week. I just feel weak. Willing to do anything to save M gets me thinking desperate thoughts. I just want a miracle i guess.

Agree wholeheartedly with others that have said just have her served. She can show the papers to her parents, why should you have to do it?

Where I find I challenge myself is I say okay she wasn't willing for transparency or IC or church but she did say let's start by just being friends. Did I miss the opportunity to R by wanting more too quick? Did i file too quick? These r those questions that drive me crazy.

Her willingness to actively invest in R is not there. I just struggle to understand. Crazy

I'm thinking you should tell the kids first. Don't give her that power, no telling how she is framing the story to suit her in the long run.

[This message edited by twisted at 11:48 AM, March 28th (Friday)]

you weren't friends, you were married. she just wanted you to back off so she could continue in her affairs. as a husband, would you be okay with your wife having a boyfriend?

you are doing the right thing.

Try this.. tomorrow morning get up, get dressed and leave. Do not tell her where you are going. If she asks tell her there is something you have to take care of.

Stay gone all day. Go to the movies or anywhere, just be gone.

Her reaction when you get back will tell you everything. If she doesnt care she won't inquire where you have been. If she does she will DEMAND to know.

BTW I did this and when I walked back through the door I was whistling. At that moment everything changed.

Do not tell under any circumstances. It's your world now.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 11:36 AM, March 28th (Friday)]

I already know. She wont care where ive been. Total abandonment. She told me last week when i adk where she is I am trying to control her. Have always wanted to know what shes up to. It was checking on her other casual " hey what u up to".

Yeah. As i read what i type i realize i have to move from hope to revovery.

Just try it and see what happens... Come back like the world is perfect. She will doubt her resolve.

Right now in her delusional mind she is the high value property. You are reinforcing this. Once you stop doing it she will notice.

Act like this is the best thing that ever happened to you. The sad part is, from what you described it may be.

This is your world, we and her are all just guests there.

I know it has been a long time and you may not be checking in here often ... I am just wondering how you are doing, Justin?

I hope you are doing well.