SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just said the doing the right thing feels so awful. I know I can't make decisions for my present self because I'm not in the right state of mind or heart. I have to make decisions for my future self where I'm loved respected and honored by a wife.

I love this. It shows real strength and clarity.

((JIPT))

You do realize those are some lofty goals, that you most likely are not going to be able to maintain at least not right away.

I sense you have come to a tiny bit of peace though through the decision to file. Your W is trying to manipulate you, telling you she needs you to be a friend. Sorry. She is neck deep in the fog still. You did well with the 180. It's almost super human to not share your pain at times.

You have to allow yourself time to grieve, you can't just say that's it I'm done. That is just as unhealthy as what she is doing....You will need to cry still, you will need to go through all the steps, until you have allowed yourself time to heal emotionally, mentally, and physically.

((((and strength))))

And when I'm with my wife I'll be the best man I possibly can be.

Does this mean that you are going to stop the 180 or the Divorce process? You may not know if your wife is still cheating but it sure doesn't look like she is Remorseful or wants to do anything to save the marriage. It looks like she wants to keep her dating options open. I'm not saying you have to be mean to her just saying you shouldn't allow her to cake eat either.

Continue to provide and be her friend while she cheats. You are not going to win her back with niceness.

When I see gentlemen I mean being a man of honor. Not fighting dirty or backstabbing. I know this process can be adversarial in divorce to be adversarial and ugly. I hope for myself is that I can get to the end of this and look back feel I did the right things. I know there'll be regrets I would just like to have as few regrets as possible. I certainly can't go forward without transparency and reassurance that there are no longer any affairs. So I'm not suggesting that I be a pushover just that I maintain good character.

I don't think anyone else has mentioned the kids. Do you really think her parents will let her walk away from them? Especially when they discover that she will be paying support?

You can be a man of honor. Prepare for war. It won't be pretty.

Strength

In a court of law, usually the person that takes the high road loses. Keep that in mind.

This is not a computer game, this is for keeps.

You can be decent, just be smart. How this is won or lost is going to be up to your lawyer. If your lawyer tells you to do something or act a certain way, I think you should follow the lawyers advice.

Has your wife backed down any at all. Has she agreed to transparency yet. Has she said she will stop the affair or whatever it is she is doing.

No nothing. No transparency (Objected to the violation of privacy). No IC (almost did twice but we got in a fight and she refused). Now she says no. She has drawn her line in the sand and truthfully I have always backpedalled so she has no reason to think I will not at this point.

I am working the 180 for me. If my detachment gets her to move from the fog then great. Possibly she's not in a fog and just wants it to end. I have no clue. I do know she has always been a "live for today" person. She doesn't think much about the future. Today she will have to start. Should be interesting. Would love to see true repentance and R but right now it looks like D.

Usually, the only time you will see a WS remorseful is when they know what they did was wrong.

It doesn't seem like your wife even thinks what she did was wrong in any way. She is completely rationalizing what she did as the right thing to do. And will always believe that, and that is a shame.

It is also too bad that she doesn't have anyone in her life to tell her what she did was wrong other than you. And the more you tell her, the more opposite she will think.

This is one reason affairs continue after DDay. Because the AP is great at telling the WS that what they are doing is the right thing to do. The AP keeps the affair going by helping rationalize all wrongs into all rights.

Just Pain

I am not sure your background and your WW's affair situation but what I have read you are doing what is right.

You have to look out for you because she certainly isn't. It is all about her.

I know you are hurting. I am sorry. This is the most terrible hurt a person can experience.

Remember to take a breath. Remember you are important. You matter. You didn't do anything to deserve this.

Is her AP married? If so, then you need to let her know.

Good luck.

IFaith: thank you for the kind words I'm having a tough day because I filed for divorce. Divorce from who I thought was my best friend soulmate life partner.

I know I did the right thing because my wife is very very closed off defensive and self-centered right now. Despite all the horrible things she's done to me I still pray for reconciliation. Sad isn't it.

Craig2001 has captured an important concept and has explained it very well. This is exactly what happened in my case, so I have experienced this first hand. Nothing I said to my XWW resonated with her. I didn't understand it at the time, but she had migrated into a new world, a new reality based on obtuse rationalizations which placed her needs above all else. That's where the blame shifting and rewriting if marital history comes in. It's needed to accommodate the rationalizations. It seems like you may be experiencing the same thing.

Dealing with a WS during an affair is a lot like dealing with a small child. You tell them to please stop screaming and they will scream louder. Try reverse psychology and tell your wife to go out with 5 or 6 guys, you don’t mind it at all.

The other thing that I forgot to say that others touched on is this. You aren't dealing with your wife as you knew her. She isn't going to be as rational or logical as you might remember. The only thing that is the same about her is the physical.

Consider your wife a "pod" person. No joke, the others here will tell you the same. My wife who was literally the warmest most wonderful person I ever met turned into an remorseless monster. She told me at some point "you really don't know me, the person you think I am is a carefully crafted lie".

I literally thought my wife was possessed. No joke. It's really hard to make someone understand how much a WS can change.

I have told my wife some of the things that she said to me and she can't believe it. She actually doesn't remember and I believe her.

Once the "spell" is broken there may be hope but it's hard to break it.

JustinPain- My story is very much like yours. I caught my stbxww taking selfies all the time. She would always x-out of whatever she was doing on the computer when I would walk into a room. She would get really angry if I ever questioned what she was doing, saying that my insecurities would end our marriage.

I eventually went on the internet to Web Watcher and downloaded their software. I soon got all her passwords to email, fb etc. I learned she was having a LTA and read some of the most painful shit that you could ever imagine. Silly me thought that I could still save the M with the woman that I loved. She had zero remorse, only regrets that she was caught. Once I told my parents and her family she could not live in my world anymore because people would always know what she did. So she left. It took me a long while but I stopped seeing her as I once did the pain as subsided over time. I pray the same for peace and healing for you, because honestly brother, without true instant remorse, you are fooling yourself that she will EVER be the wife/person that you could spend the rest of your life with. Good luck

She wants you to be a friend? Ok. She can start first. Do you have any other friends in your life who treat you as she does? That's what I thought.

Be cordial to her. Respect you.

I like this advice.

You are doing well jipt.

Thanks for the advice thanks for saying I'm doing well. I can tell you I'm not doing very well right now I almost texted my wife to tell her this was the saddest day of my life because I filed for divorce ...but I didn't.

Instead as I drove I wept and cried my eyes out I haven't done that in a good couple weeks. I miss my best friend. I want my marriage back. I want the pain to stop. I'm not suicidal I just hurt all the time.

justinpaintoday ~ I am SO sorry for your horrible situation. I felt the same way. I had no idea I could hurt so much, even physically. I will never be able to forget the moment my heart broke. It took four days of pain in my heart before it finally burst. It literally felt like my physical heart burst. I never knew, I wish I didn't and I wish you didn't have to know, either.

It is not sad that you want reconciliation. It is not sad that you want your wife, your friend, your marriage and your love back. Those all all things that you will need to grieve.

What is sad is that she is willing to lose it all. That is sad.

Hang in there. There is no way around the pain, you have to go through it. I know that does not help right now in the moment but eventually the pain won't be so crippling. Trust me. And (gently) try not to drive when you are that upset, one mistake could have tragic consequences for you or someone else's family.

I feel your pain brother, it is all too real for me, but take a breath and realize that the sun will rise tomorrow with or without her.

Stay on course, she has yet to fully realize the consequences of her actions, in my opinion.

The entire scope and gravity of the situation must smack on the head. Divorce papers are tangible and real, something to stare at and wonder what she is going to do now.

Sometimes that is what it takes. Your job is to not give a shit one way or another. You need to see some real effort and action before you start considering R.

justinpaintoday ~ This is for the future self man that you need to make decisions for today.

I would like to share with you the advice I give my children: The person who cares the most in a relationship is the person who carries all the power. The 'trick' is to find someone just as enamored as you and develop an equal/similar level of love for one another.

Here is the thing; If you want her but she wants someone else ... Who is going to do all of the chasing? .... all of the romancing? .... all of the wooing? ... all of the impressing? ... all of the WORK? ... You. Because she wants someone / something else. You will be chasing her while she is chasing someone else.

Personally, I want someone who WANTS me and is willing to prove it in their actions.

This gal isn't loving you in her actions. She isn't loving you in her words. She is actually harming you in her actions. She is harming you in her words. And if you have children ... she is likely harming your child(ren).

She obviously doesn't believe you will ever actually do anything about it. I am very glad that you are.

I have been where you are. I know how much it hurts. I know how hard it is to move on and change. I DO. But, you are not going to stop getting hurt by continuing this 'relationship' with her.

It will take time to stop hurting from this terrible pain. But you can protect yourself from new pains.

Whenever she says things like 'you shamed me' [Dear God, What a JOKE!] you can either ignore her, so as not to argue and continue on and on; or you can simply restate her erroneous statements factually like, 'you shamed you.'

You are doing great. Just because it hurts doesn't mean you are doing a bad job in your situation. In your circumstances you are doing better than most! Hang in there justin.... and I will be praying for you tonight.