SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tesla, Your ex-shat sounds exactly like mine. I mean it is uncanny how alike they sound. I had a similar, smaller scale, argument Easter weekend. He was so bent out of shape that I would have the kids on Easter weekend because that was *his* weekend. What I had to do was quote the guidelines exactly for him to shut the hell up. I'm so sorry you have to deal with such an asshole. ((tesla))

As Teslet asserts his independence, free-will and attempts to become his own person, ex-shat will rail more because he will believe that my evil influence is tearing his son away from him since in his mind, Teslet is just an extension of himself.

^^^This! Exhat will truly believe this, if he's like my X, because he can't be wrong...the denial of his own messed-up-ness is too strong. I'm so sorry you are going through this!!! Have you read much in the NPD thread? There's a great group over there, with similar experiences and gobs of support. Have you read "Splitting" by Bill Eddy? He also wrote "It's All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything", and

"Don't Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce" among others. Big hugs, Tesla, and know that I am SO thankful that Teslet has you!!! Your calm comes through your posts, and we can see your resolve in determining that he will have a good, supportive home while with you.

Ugh. I know the more reasonable I sound, the crazier he gets. Those texts will probably come in handy at the 4-way and/or court, though. 4-way has been rescheduled for 20 June.

NC won't be a problem this month because I won't hear from ex-shat as he's got what he wants.

Oh, and a payment for 2 weeks worth of CS is posting this weekend...so that's a good thing...but I understand why it's coming in now and what that means for how they will approach the 4-way and/or court.

The lawyer stuff has been interesting. I always screen shot our text exchanges to send as background info to any questions that I may ask...so my L has a very good feel for what I'm dealing with. She also forwards her exchanges with his L on to me. The first one, he sounds so positive and 'let's work this out' kinda guy. Friday, he sounds irritated: "I'm sure you have much to do today, as do I. Can you just get your client to play nice?"

I found that so wonderfully amusing.

I guess that ex-shat told his L that he showed up Friday morning, trailer in tow...all ready to go on their awesome, fun, family camping trip and his bitch of an ex-wife was playing games.

My neighbor said he showed up in his car, by himself...no camping trailer, unless it was invisible.

Ex-shat has been bleating about how he sent me his election of the summer visitation schedule back in February. So his L forwarded the letter that ex-shat supposedly sent me. It was a picture/screen shot of a Microsoft word or notepad doc that reads:

Tesla Mit,

Please be informed that it is my intent to exercise my summer visitation rights at the beginning of Teslet's summer break. As per the guidelines I will anticipate picking him up the day after his final day of school.

I have expressed concerns regularly now that Teslet might be spending unnecessary time in daycare. I would rather him spend time at home with his family so please inform me of his daycare needs.

Ex-shat Linseed

2/14/14

Uhhhhhh.....

I'm a teacher and have an excellent "That was pulled out of someone's ass at the last minute" radar. And I just love the date under his name. I wonder how I magically got this letter? Also, why was he thinking of me on valentine's day? A day, by the way (fell on Friday), that he cancelled his weekend visitation because he was going to go do a job and get caught up on CS and the money he owed me. Oy, and his L forwarded it on...I bet that dude is thinking..."Shit, I need to burn some time and use up this guy's retainer."

I think ex-shat's L, in his haste, forwarded on some stuff accidently...there is an email that ex-shat sent to his L included where ex-shat 'explains' some things about his employment plans (this will be incredibly useful at the 4-way) and he does bring up this whole day care issue in the email. He also asks if Teslet's step-mother can take Teslet on vacation in his (ex-shat's) absence!!!!

Oh and he also goes on a rant about how I'm 'forcing' the school to teach Teslet that his last name is Mit-Linseed and not Linseed. The fact is that Teslet has two middle names and Mit is his second middle name (a tradition in my family for boys). I asked the school to teach him his full name because I wanted teslet to know how to pronounce and spell my last name. I'm sure this has caused a little confusion about what Teslet's last name is...but every school paper comes home as Teslet L. Again...goes to that whole image thing, I suppose.

My L told me not to worry about the pick up Friday...she did say it would be nice if I could get Teslet to his dad a little early if I felt it could happen in a non-confrontational way since we were just talking about a few hours at that point...otherwise, I should stick to my original plan.

The 4-way has only been scheduled for 30 minutes. I highly doubt we come out with an acceptable agreement in 30 minutes.

Compartmented -- I've never really thought of ex-shat as NPD. I pegged him as Borderline...but from all the responses to this thread, sure sounds like he's displaying those behaviors. Thank you for the book recommendations. I'm going to pick those up and read them. I have a feeling I'm going to have a lot of brainwashing to 'undo' when Teslet comes back.

Ummm, I am thinking that he knows that you have ROFR and he knows that Stripper Whore is not okay to have Teslet for his vacation time if he is not there. I am pretty sure that is in the guidelines that he is "ignorant" of. I agree that 30 min will not accomplish anything and the CS posting now is an attempt to show that he is "trying". Unfortunately, the court will see this and most likely not put him in jail.

PS Love the new tagline. One of my personal favorites

Tesla, bit of a simplistic way of telling the difference because NPD and BPD have many things in common but...

BPD- believes the lies they tell, convincing themselves it's the truth

NPD- knows they're lying

Softcentre--interesting! I was just talking with a friend (who knows ex-shat from when we first got together) and we discussed this very thing. We decided that he probably doesn't know he's lying. But it's probably po-tay-to, po-tah-to at this point.

Irishlass - definitely agree with him being able to avoid jail time...but he has not made an attempt to clear the original contempt amount. The sig line is sooooooo perfect for him

Slight t/j:

Very interesting, indeed, Softcentre. Is it possible for someone to change from one to the other??

Xpos has admitted to me that he is a liar. I.e.: admitted he was telling everyone the lie that "we sat down, talked, and decided we had grown apart and it was time to D" for months after he was living with slut. Among others he told, whether or not he admitted to them.

So, at that time, he knew he was lying. I think he has done it so much and it has become an integral part of his personna, that he now believes he is living an authentic life with that as the foundation. He certainly seems to have no problem telling himself everything he has done is on the up-and-up. Maybe he switched? End t/j.

I think that a BPD genuinely can't conceive that it could be a lie. An NPD won't admit it's a lie...the result is the same.

Yes, if we keep repeating a lie, we can convince ourselves that it's true, but I suspect that's often because our pride won't let us admit the truth,especially if it's something about ourselveswe don't like - it's self denial. But that doesn't make us BPD or NPD, just liars.

NPD and BPD have a lot of other disfunctional traits. I think we have to be careful labelling WS in this way during separation/divorce because of the way divorce raises tensions & sets us up against each other. Better to look at their whole history.

For example, my dad has always been NPD. He lies and if caught out, first argues black is white, then tells the other person they got it all wrong & he didn't say what he did. He used to tell us outrageous lies that I would repeat to friends when younger. Occasionally, someone would then ask him about it. He'd deny all knowledge and tell them I was lying, in front of me, confident that I was conditioned to stay quiet in front of him, or telling me off/punishing me if I spoke up. He knew he lied, he was never going to admit it, though. A BPD would just keep going with the lie, convinced it was true.

As an NPD, my dad has little/no empathy for us and the damage that this lying has had on us, both individually and as a family. My siblings have depression and eating issues. I do not. The only difference is that I repeatedly stood up to my dad and refused to say his lies were true. I was punished not just by him, but also by my mum, who colluded with him because she is co-dependent, if I dared to say that I knew something he justsaid wasn't true. As I have aged, I realised that was better for my mental health in many ways, but it also made me kind of conflict avoidant for the little things,because living with an NPD is so exhausting, day by day, that you have to pick your battles, because the battles always end up being HUGE. So now I have realised that I find it difficult to speak up about my own needs - I became co-dependent in a different way, only picking battles which also affected others, giving myself the courage to confront on their behalf, rather than on my own.

But the best way to deal with NPD truly is crickets,because even picking your battles gives them negative ego kibbles. Ignoring them drives them truly crazy because you cut off their narcissistic supply.

I wish I had been capable of understanding that as a child. Tesla, I weep for Teslet. Teaching him to think for himself, as you are doing, and as my aunt did for me, is the only thing that kept me kind of mentally healthy during my childhood. I wish I'd also had a safe place to be able to talk about the little things too. And I'm so glad for Teslet that you can give him that in his childhood.

Those texts will probably come in handy at the 4-way and/or court, though.

And I wonder if it might be useful, too, that you did respond that time, showing that when you engage with him, you are calm and reasonable. Not that I am encouraging more contact at all! I'm a big proponent of NC!!! It's self-preservation, plus there's this bonus:

Ignoring them drives them truly crazy because you cut off their narcissistic supply.

NPD- knows they're lying

My X knows that he lies - he calls it being able to get what he wants, but he also believes his own shit due to the alcohol damage he's inflicted upon his brain and psyche. IMO, that is.

I've been MIA due to computer & internet problems. I come back & read this?

Good Lord, Tesla. Ex-shat is an asshole of epic proportions. I'm thinking he's going to completely poison Teslet's mind while he has him. He'll return that precious child to you totally brainwashed against you. Please read "Splitting", "Divorce Poison" and "Custody With A Jerk" ASAP. I have a daily struggle with my kids to overcome the parental alienation my ex heaps on them non-stop. I really think your ex is going to go for the emotional jugular through Teslet.

Oh my gosh, Tesla, I am so very sorry for you and Teslet. I am dealing with this crap with my STBX too. I wish we could send all of these sick SOB's to a deserted island, surrounded by shark infested waters so they could never escape. The pain they have inflicted on their spouses just isn't good enough, I guess. They have to victimize beautiful, innocent children.

As others have said, you are a shining example to all of us on how to help our children navigate through this. I have so much respect and admiration for you, and wish I could take the pain away. ((((tesla and teslet))))

((((Tesla))))

Keep hanging in there. You are a wonderful mom.

BTW Tesla -

Screenshot or picture of a doc means absolutely nothing (though you probably know that). The actual document itself will have metadata attached to it that will tell when the doc was created, last edited, etc. If it's a Word doc, it may even have all kinds of data showing editing history (changed, additions, deletions, etc.)

It's possible to mess with the metadata, but most ways to do so take some technical knowhow. The easiest way is to just change the date on the computer before creating the doc (though that could mess up other things, including the Word license... there's a lot of factors that go into whether or not he would be able to do that). If he didn't have the foresight to do that, though, changing the metadata can be difficult. It's likely that the original document would have real dates associated with it.

Bottom line - if things start getting ugly, ask for an e-copy of the original note.

Tesla,

You handled your son being the little peacemaker beautifully. It isn't his responsibility.

Since you are heading to court, I think your addressing his emails was a very good way to show the court that YOU are doing what you can to keep Teslet out of the middle. Where exshat puts him time after time. I wish you had recorded the conversation between him and Teslet. Please think about doing it next time. It will show the powers that be just how delusional and alienating exshat is.

You took a horrible burden that Teslet was forced to take responsibility of and removed the responsibility from him, allowing him to be a child again. You placed it squarely where it belongs and let Teslet know how it would be settled. I'm sure he slept better without that worry to hold onto anymore.

Tesla, you've got many years like this... Keep doing what your doing. Teslet needs to be a kid, not exshat's little minion.

Hugs

K