SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Any large department store with an electronics department or any electronics store will sell them. All you need is a basic model that records and plays back. Read the instruction manual to learn how to keep it from beeping. Longer battery life is a plus. Buy a cheap pair of ear buds and cut off the part that goes in your ear and plug them into the ear jack as a precaution to prevent it from making any noise. Secure it well, use heavy duty velcro if you need to. Test it out for a day in your car first.

I don't need a VAR, I can already tell you what's going on. They are having a full-blown emotional and physical affair.

But you are doing OK. You really just found out and you are heading in the right direction. This has been going on a while and will go on a while longer. There is no rush except to the extent that you feel the need. You are the one who is living it.

More links you need

http://marriedmansexlife.com/

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

So she changed the code. Another way of telling you she has not intention of stopping it.

Out the VAR in her car. She will be talking on the phone to OM or girlfriends about her affair. Also put a GPS on the car to know where she has gone or is.

If your name is on the phone, when she comes how TAKE the phone from her, refuse to give it back and take it to GEEK square or computer expert to Hack into it or unlock it. Yup, she will be super pissed off.

But more importantly, just think of what she is doing to you .

She knows how you caught her, and she has brazenly said I don't give a shit so I'll just lock my phone.

You can't stop her but you can divorce her

Hire the PI if you can afford it

Go to her HR Department at work and tell them what is going on. Again, she will be pissed at all of this. Are you kissed now???

Present her with divorce papers.

It does not happen immediately

Call him again and do not tell him to please stop.. Tell him you have given him his chance and now you have hired a P I. To find him and his wife will be finding out shortly.

Read the above and you have a laundry list of steps you can take.

And then call her family and tell them you will probably be divorcing because she is having an affair.

You will feel better than being helpless

I know I am going to have to earn her heart back and will work every day to sacrifice and do everything I can to win back her love and affection by being loving, understanding, kind, patient, selfless, and forgiving

This should read:

I know that SHE is going to have to earn MY heart back and must work every day to sacrifice and do everything SHE can to win back MY love and affection by being loving, understanding, kind, patient, selfless....honest and transparent.

she continues to talk to the OM

Without consequences she will continue to do this. Don't allow this to continue. If she refuses to stop then I would ask her to leave. Often times this shocks them back into the land of reality. It makes them aware of what they stand to lose.

You can't "nice" her back, it doesn't work so please don't allow her to continue to walk all over you. You deserve better...demand it.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 10:50 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

Until something drastically changes in you and the current situation, your wife will continue to completely disrespect you and continue to be with the OM.

Her not even having the decency to text you back and let you know she is okay and will be a little late shows you everything you need to know. That is the answer.

I think by unlocking her phone, you will learn a great deal. Now that she thinks it is protected from you, she will be far more open on what she texts. You will learn exactly where you stand today. And I dont think you will like it.

What your wife did last night was total bullcrap, knowing you would be home waiting and worrying, and all she cares about is talking to her lover.

The ONLY way this situation changes if it you cause it to change. She is very happy in the current situation. She knows you, she knows she can get away with all of this stuff and you will get mad. She will ignore. You will forget. And she will do it again and again including the things you don't even know about.

You need to end her party.

She cannot even have the common courtesy to text you back and let you know she is okay. She does not care. She has become completely selfish. If this is the fog of the affair, then you need to end it.

Find everything you can about the OM. Are there any coworkers you also know that possibly you can call and talk to.

Does this company have a website. Many times a company will list the employees and their departments.

End her party now or her disrespect will continue. What will you do the next time she is late by three hours or she decides to spend the night with the OM? Don't let it get to that point.

Again without consequences a cheater will not stop.

You can't "nice" her out of this.

Talk to hr at her place.

I know I am going to have to earn her heart back and will work every day to sacrifice and do everything I can to win back her love and affection by being loving, understanding, kind, patient, selfless, and forgiving. Any advice you have is greatly appreciated and God bless you.

You may want to consider changing that type of thinking.

The reality is that SHE needs to win YOUR LOVE back.

She is the one who broke her vows.

You will not win her back by being loving and understanding. What that will do is cause her to lose respect for you.

She has betrayed you and your marriage, she needs to see your anger and pain.

She needs to know that you are willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

After, my husband's affair, I too, did all the work to save the marriage. He did very little.

He did not even treat me as respectfully and loving as he was treating the OW, based on the emails and texts I read.

My husband only started doing the hard work when I put his cloths outside the door to the house, changed the locks, and filed for divorce.

BTW, What is it with women sending the porn pix

My wayward's OW did the same. She sent graphic pix of her privates and even a video of herself pleasuring herself, to my husband.

He never sent any back, and I resurrected all the emails and texts.

What's with that, I thought it was men who were into porn?

BTW, you can also file for divorce and change your mind later, if your wife wakes up and steps up to the plate.

If it helps at all/makes a difference we have the kids as well which makes it more difficult to just kick her out. I did when I first found out and she stayed with a friend for a few days but has been back since Sunday and continues to do what she's been doing. I am going to get a VAR sometime today or tonight and put it under her seat. It's so hard to try and be a tough guy when I love her so much and feel so broken inside. How did some of you overcome that and gather the strength to be tough and do the tough things that needed to be done? I'm also strongly considering hiding a PI so I can find out where OM lives in order to tell his wife.

How did some of you overcome that and gather the strength to be tough and do the tough things that needed to be done? I'm also strongly considering hiding a PI so I can find out where OM lives in order to tell his wife.

Gfunk"

You are in shock and denial and need time to adjust to your new reality. So give yourself a break.

It took time for me to wake up and gather the courage to pack his cloths up and put them outside, and to file.

Yes, hire the PI, it will help you in your divorce settlement, if you can prove she is cheating.

Also, His wife knowing will prevent this Affair from going underground.

It's another pair of eyes on these two, and also it will keep the OM busy taking care of his own marriage issues.

If you have the other mans name for a small fee you can use spokeo or something similar.

I know you love her but her actions show she doesn't give a sh!t about you.

Ah

Do you have his phone#.

I believe you can put the # in facebook and do a search that way.

Unfortunately everyone here is correct. My WW carried on for months and everytime I tried to get her to stop, she usually bulls###ed me and kept on going. Even after telling me it was over, she found her way back to him. It wasn't until I found everthing out and told her we are done and I wanted her out of the house by the weekend, did she finally seem to wake up. She went from, he's just a friend, to she doesn't know what she wants to , she didn't know why she did what she did, he was an asshole and it was over. It is amazing how their tune changes when the crap hits the fan and their so called good times come to a head. As long as you are letting her get away with things you are going nowhere but a bigger hurt. Take a stand.

Since you're religious, check out marriagebuilders.com, but be warned that the posters there have no patience for those who do not follow their advice and just keep letting themselves be abused, like you are. That's because they, and we, have all seen this a million times.

YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.

As others have already pointed out you are letting yourself be a doormat, so she will continue to treat you like a doormat. Once you realize being in a one way marriage is worse than not being married at all, you may actually make some progress.

As far as the VAR, go for it. But the real problem here is that she keeps showing you how she feels and you keep taking it. The only way you can save your marriage is to show her you are ready to lose it. Expose her, him and everyone else involved and do it publicly. She may hate you and file for divorce, but quite frankly she's already treating you like crap so what's the loss?

I guess that's my problem: I still see the loss as my wife and family, which mean everything to me. It's so difficult for me to not want to change things and to not forgive her because I don't want to lose her. Not this cheating person that's not my wife, the person I believe somewhere deep down still cares about me too and doesn't want to break up our family. I'm going 5 try and snap her out of her fog much sooner than later, 1 week ago tonight was d - day and I don't want this to drag out for very long considering she's already been doing whatever with him for nearly a month now.

Gfunk:

The sooner you stop contact with this man, the sooner your wife MAY be able to come out of her foggy fantasy.

Allowing them to continue contact will not end well, if you want to reconcile.

Affairs are like a chemical addiction to sex hormones or bonding hormones. It skews their thinking.

She needs to go cold Turkey from this OM to detox from those chemicals and early hormones that kick in whenever a person dates someone new. Those chemicals prevent them from seeing the real person.

Affairs are not real reltionships that deal with real world problems like kids and dirty laundry and bills.

So it can take a very looooooooooong time for the wayward to see the reality of the OM.

Affairs are not even a real dating relationship in which a person may get a reality check after dating for awhile.

Affairs are all stolen moments, in which both people are on their best behavior, or even presenting a false persona to the affair partner.

And, typically everything is good and happy and sexy while the two are together in those stolen moments.

How did some of you overcome that and gather the strength to be tough and do the tough things that needed to be done?

My wife did what your wife did last night one time too many for me.

At the end of my patience and after months of worry and acting the way you are, too nice, I finally in a rage, told her how it is going to be.

She can leave or she can stop acting like a damn fool with the childish lying and hiding things like some teenager. That was the first time I really lost it and told her to leave or grow up.

I am certain my anger surprised her. Looking back, I should have done it much sooner.

She never came home late again with a ridiculous excuse.

My wife's affair was different than your wifes. With mine, there was no talk of a future life together with the OM, it was just an alcoholic affair with some loser. She is disgusted looking back at the OM and the whole thing.

This sort of thing with your wife can go on for a very long time. She will delay and delay because it is perfect. She gets her fantasy life as does the OM and you get to live in hell. She doesn't care about you, she doesn't even really know you exist right now, except you keep getting in the way of her fantasy life.

When the affair becomes public knowledge and is no longer some secret, it really loses its fantasy.

Another way to lose the fantasy...do you pay any of her bills. If so, the OM can start paying for all of her bills. Car insurance, cell phone, clothes, car payments, etc.

Speaking of which, you should really consider closing all joint accounts right now, today.

Higher the PI and put the VAR in the car and try to unlock her phone.

BTW, who knows of her affair at this time? What do her friends or coworkers think of this affair?

You should be telling her family and friends about this affair. It will lose it's luster when brought to the light of day.

So start making those calls and get the PI in motion so you can tell his wife.

Got the voice recorder today, putting it under her car seat tonight and hoping I get some more answers to what's still going on over the next couple of days.

Posted: 4:30 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)

GFunk

The VAR is a good idea to know what she is saying but you already know what she is doing.

You need to tell her tonight that she must leave again, that you absolutely will not accept what she is doing, and that she needs to see can attorney because you are filing for divorce.

The snooping is great but she is not even trying to hide it from you she has so little concern for you.

And if this has been going on for a month she has already had sex with him so what else do you need to know.

Your attitude and tone must change to where you are not asking anything but you are telling her what is going to happen if she is going to continue to reside in your home.

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA

Posted: 4:30 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)

GFunk

The VAR is a good idea to know what she is saying but you already know what she is doing.

You need to tell her tonight that she must leave again, that you absolutely will not accept what she is doing, and that she needs to see can attorney because you are filing for divorce.

The snooping is great but she is not even trying to hide it from you she has so little concern for you.

And if this has been going on for a month she has already had sex with him so what else do you need to know.

Your attitude and tone must change to where you are not asking anything but you are telling her what is going to happen if she is going to continue to reside in your home.

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA