This Topic is Archived
jjsr ( member #34353) posted at 8:25 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
I too was off all weekend. I am sorry.
Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.
tired girl (original poster member #28053) posted at 9:38 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
TIKY,
This party was actually for the particular woman that he had targeted. She is leaving the dept and it was a good bye party. The other women were joking around that now that she is leaving who is he going to harass and tease and make laugh now that she is gone. It was said more than once. It wasn't said directly TOO me, but with me right there. She herself has said to me that he gives her a hard time. That is part of what he does. Part of the dynamic.
Ripped soul, you nailed it.
Jrazz, I just don't know yet. I am trying not to look into the future right now.
He didn't realize he had crossed boundaries until I kept laying it out for him. He just didn't see it. Now he does. Hopefully with starting IC again he can get to the bottom of it this time.
MJ, I am hoping he will come on as well. I do think it is harder for him with me on here as well, but I am hoping he will move past that.
ETA: It is so comforting right now to come here and get the hugs and the support from all of you. I am so down to the bone sad. To know that I have this community and a place to go to talk helps so much. Thank you, all of you.
[This message edited by tired girl at 3:39 PM, August 18th (Monday)]
Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB
authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 9:43 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
(((TG)))
I had a very busy weekend and am just seeing this. I'm sorry that HL chose to disrespect the M again and that you are dealing with this.
No words of wisdom, just extending my support.
DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.
confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 9:52 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
((((tg))))
It's scary that he didn't realize he crossed a boundary. Especially if this was his pattern leading up to his EA's. With all the work he has done on himself, it's worrisome that he didn't see what he had been doing, until you pointed it out to him.
At this point, he should have known better.
Im so sorry.
BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
tired girl (original poster member #28053) posted at 9:57 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
I agree confused, I feel the same way. I believe that he felt since he was keeping all sexual innuendo out and was not sharing anything personal he was safe. By the time he shared personal info with her he was to far down the slope to see clearly.
Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB
Softcentre ( member #39166) posted at 9:57 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
TG, I find it really hard to understand that he didn't have some idea of what he was doing, especially if this was his MO previously. Is it possible that he did know, but was white knuckling & telling himself he could control it? Is it possible that he said he didn't realise, out of conflict avoidance?
And huge ((TG))
Me: BW
Him: XWH
2 Children
Finally reached indifference & looking forward to my new beginning
tired girl (original poster member #28053) posted at 10:19 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
Softcentre, this really is for him to answer. If you are asking me, I don't think he realizes he is doing it, it is second nature for him. I have watched him do it since he was 17, the cause of many of our arguments.
Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB
MissesJai ( member #24849) posted at 10:22 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
the hard wiring needs to be rewired!!!
44
Happily divorcing..
My Life is Mine!!!!
#BlackLivesMatter
Don't settle for no fuck shit....
tired girl (original poster member #28053) posted at 10:28 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
MJ,
He has to have the desire for that. You and I both know that.
Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB
MissesJai ( member #24849) posted at 10:32 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
yeah, we both know that all too well.... SMH.
44
Happily divorcing..
My Life is Mine!!!!
#BlackLivesMatter
Don't settle for no fuck shit....
Aubrie ( member #33886) posted at 10:32 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
I keep coming back here hoping it's not true. My heart hurts so much for you TG. 
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
tired girl (original poster member #28053) posted at 10:36 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
I keep hoping the same thing too. There is a part of me that wants to bury it and go back to the way we were before the party. I want that time machine, we were doing so well. This feels like hell.
He says he wants to figure out what is going on. I hope that is the case.
[This message edited by tired girl at 4:36 PM, August 18th (Monday)]
Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB
5454real ( member #37455) posted at 10:37 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
it is second nature for him. I have watched him do it since he was 17, the cause of many of our arguments.
It sounds as if you've tolerated this kind of behavior for years. Why is it different now? Do you think he understands the seriousness of it? Will he relegate this to *she'll get over it?*
He has to have the desire for that.
You know what he says. What is he showing?
Strength
BH 58, WW 49
DS 31(Mine),SD 29,SS 28(Hers),DS 16 Ours, DGS 11, DGD 8, DGS 3
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
"I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone."
― Sophocle
tired girl (original poster member #28053) posted at 10:43 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
Now it is MY boundary that he is stepping over. I now know my value and I don't have to tolerate this behavior any more. While I don't see it as cheating, I see it as damaging to me and the M. I am done with being hurt by his actions.
I am having trouble getting a read on him right now. He is acting very distant and quiet. I have told him that this is hard on me right now so he is trying to pay attention to it. I am not sure what is going on with him. I don't know if he knows what is going on. He says he is having trouble adjusting from where we were to where we are now. He says he wants to fix it and work on us and himself. What I am seeing I can't get a read on.
Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB
rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 10:54 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
By the time he shared personal info with her he was to far down the slope to see clearly.
well this is scary as shit... jeez.
What I am seeing I can't get a read on.
you don't have to figure this out right this very minute. Wait a couple days, dust settles.. you know where you stand. He needs to figure out where HE stands and that may take a a couple days maybe?
5454real ( member #37455) posted at 10:54 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
Awesome answer.
What I am seeing I can't get a read on.
Four letter word time. Yea, that one. As long as he is not being static, as long as he see's the need for change and acts on it, can you give him time to change? A habit as lifelong as you describe will not be easy to change, especially overnight. You may not know what you are seeing, but as long as it is not the old behavior isn't that a *good* thing?
BH 58, WW 49
DS 31(Mine),SD 29,SS 28(Hers),DS 16 Ours, DGS 11, DGD 8, DGS 3
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
"I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone."
― Sophocle
confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 10:59 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
Stop trying to get a read on him. It sounds like he is a bit foggy, or at the very least he is confused as to how he allowed this to happen. So let him figure himself out. Right now, you need to focus on you. You need to make sure you are eating and drinking. Are you able to sleep? What did you do for *you* today?
You don't have to *do* anything right now..or tomorrow..or next week. Just *be.*
Im so sorry this has happened. I read your post yesterday and my heart just dropped. And now that you have elaborated, Im worried for you. Please take care of yourself.
BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
tired girl (original poster member #28053) posted at 11:04 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
At this point I am almost 100% positive that I am going to give him the time to go to counseling and work on changing this. I told him that when I put both feet in that I was all in with this M and that short of cheating on me again, we could work anything else out. I see this as being part of that. But he has to work on it. That is not negotiable.
Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB
tired girl (original poster member #28053) posted at 11:09 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
I am eating and drinking. At least one meal a day. But that is my norm, lol. Sleep is up and down. Today I am tired, and sad. I have just tried to let myself be today. I may take my dog for a walk later. That always helps, my IC says my dogs are as necessary to me as air. I finally have an IC that gets me. Thank god. And thank god I see her tomorrow.
Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB
Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 11:10 PM on Monday, August 18th, 2014
I have just tried to let myself be today. I may take my dog for a walk later.
Sounds perfect. That's exactly what you need to do. We back whatever you need to do, tg. 
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom
This Topic is Archived
