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^^^^ exactly what DHH says, Reconciliation will not work unless she is the remorseful one begging you for it.

Since she does not sound like she is there yet, and if she doesn’t show it in your Thursday talk then it’s time to work on what you CAN control. you can control YOU!

I’ve collected this from different threads here. Sounds like you are doing some of it already. Start doing the rest....

Here are the types of things you should be doing just to get her to a point where she is remorseful enough to even start working on R. You are no where near that point right now.

1) you should get a lawyer. Call tomorrow. Go interview a couple next week. When you settle on one find out your options. Tell them to draft D papers to be served at your notice

2) get in IC. If you are not already find one that specializes in infidelity

3) open your own bank account at another bank. Move half your joint money to it.

4) Contact the OBS. Don't tell WS you are going to talk to the OBS. It's none of their freakin business. You need to coordinate with OBS so you both know what is going on.

5) full on implementation of the 180 (read it in the Healing Library). Until she gets her head out of her ass you don't need to talk to her about anything but finances and kids (if you have kids). Again... SHE IS NOT YET REMORSEFUL so there is no reason to talk to her about anything else. If she is still in love with him and talking to him there is no way R can work so stick to the basics. Besides the 180 is not to get your WS back, it's to show yourself you can stand up and be strong without her.

6) STD TESTING. Did you get that done yet? If you know it was a PA make sure you are healthy and no sex with her until she proves he is healthy and NC.

7) Expose to close friends and family. You need support in this difficult time. Don't sell your close relationships short. You'd help them if they'd ask so give them the chance. "My WS has fallen in love with someone else. Whether we R or D i hope I can count on you to be there when things get tough for us"

8) tell her to leave. That she can go be with the OM if that is what makes her happy. Kick her out if that is what it takes. You don't want to be with her if she is going to be pining away for someone else

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:45 AM, October 11th (Wednesday)]

No matter how hard you try to or want to, you cannot fix a broken M by yourself.

Thank you everyone for all your advice. The early mornings and late nights are the hardest part. I worked out for two hours last night to quiet my mind but it only works to stop the thoughts during the duration.

Our next call is scheduled for Thursday so until then I need to find a way to keep myself busy. My plan is to go to the university today and talk to a counseler to see if I can get re-enrolled. I'll also need to figure out a way to get the $500 to serve her.

Hard to believe we were only in the new city for a little over 2 months. It's been 4 days apart since D-day. It's all moving so fast.

Even though I hope for the best, my gut tells me me to expect the worst. 49% of me just wants to move on. To heal. 51% wants to work things out. I think it's easier just to file, the hard thing is to attempt to stay.

But no, she hasn't shown much remorse other than saying sorry. She's still in the fog, I'm not sure if I've reached her. Her dad keeps calling me encouraging me not to give up. It's all fkd. Going to try and see if I can get a few more hours of sleep to shut off my brain.

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 5:54 AM, October 11th (Wednesday)]

Something you need to consider is where you want to file. Some states are way better for divorce than others depending on the circumstances. When you left I got the impression you were going to another state. Where is the house you bought? What state are you in now and what state is she in? I thought maybe from having the electric off for two weeks you might have been in Fla or Texas. For example divorce in those states can be drastically different.

While immediately filing can be a wake up call, waiting until

You have established residency could save you a lot of money or make you a lot.

Sorry if this is irrelevant.

49% of me just wants to move on. To heal. 51% wants to work things out. I think it's easier just to file, the hard thing is to attempt to stay.

Just to reiterate what was said many times already. Filing isn't something final. To waywards, however, it is the sign the shit got real. There are no finances, no alimony, no child support (not applicable in your case) in lala land (that's where she is now). Filing, divorce negotiations hits hard on their world, it creates dissonance with the scene where they see themselves riding into the sunset with the horn of that special unicorn (AP) stuck between their legs.

I see filing a win-win situation. If she signs the papers, then that's ok - you saved quite a lot of self-esteem that you would have lost by playing pick me dance until you either D anyway or are stuck with spouse who's not in marriage 100%. If she suddenly turns around - then that's OK - you have a shot at R.

Honestly, you are handling this much better than you think you are. Nobody here handled it brilliantly when they went through their own troubles, because for all of us, it was the first time we were going through it, and we had no previous experience to guide us.

I did things that I would not do now, simply because I did them and they did not work, but the internet and this forum was not around when I could have benefited from them. Also, just as a wayward spouse may be in a 'fog', it is not uncommon for a betrayed spouse to be in a daze. Infidelity can leave a person with emotional concussion, and it can be hard to think straight.

Where this forum comes into its own is that many thousands of people have posted here through the years, and it has become a kind of repository of all their experiences and actions. That has created a shared storehouse of wisdom about what to do, and what not to do, in the aftermath of infidelity. It is true that some of the suggestions may not be 100% right for every single case, but honestly, a lot of the suggested actions can be applied to 99% of scenarios.

However, being hit by a tidal wave of advice can be hard when you arrive in the forum, hurting and dazed, just wanting your old life back, and wondering how the hell things changed so much. Sometimes we forget that, and some of the advice can leave a hurting or vulnerable person who has just arrived feeling almost like they are under attack. Honestly, that is never, ever the intention. It is never meant as criticism, it is a crowd of people shouting, "Be careful! Don't do that!", because they probably did it themselves, and they know that something didn't work. So they don't want to see you doing the same thing.

Although there are actions that may or may not be recommended, the emotional element is much harder to handle and control. We all went through our own version of what gets called 'the rollercoaster', with all of its highs and lows, and there really are no magic cures or quick fixes for it. The one thing that I did learn is that it helps a lot to open up to people, and not try to tough it out by myself. There is no shame in reaching out, or in admitting to feeling hurt or lost. Many people here have done just that, and they all benefited from doing it. So much so that they decided to stick around and try and help others facing the same challenges that they faced.

It is good that you have spoken to so many people about what has happened, and also that you have spoken to a counsellor, but if you find you are being impacted physically, through lack of sleep, or lack of eating, it may be wise to visit your physician and explain your situation. Also, there is a forum here called 'General', where people often start posts about things like, "The nights are the worst", "How did you get through it?", and you can get lots of feedback from people who may have found fixes or techniques that might work for you.

The reason why filing is recommended quite often in these cases is that it can shake a wayward spouse out of their fog, and make them realise that they are not having some fantasy adventure, but doing things that have real consequences in the real world. It focuses them on whether or not they think what they are doing is worth it. Sometimes they relent, sometimes they do not, but either way, it prevents their betrayed spouse from being left in limbo by a wayward spouse who might otherwise spend months stringing them along and saying, "I don't know", "I'm not sure", etc. In a way, it is forcing the wayward's hand, but a betrayed spouse has only a limited array of options to try and get something approaching honesty in a situation that developed out of dishonesty.

As I say, you are doing better than you think, and just as well as any of us did when we had all of this stuff dropped into our lives. We know how lousy it can be, which is why so many of us stick around to try and help others through it. There is not a lot that can be done to stop it hurting, but the collected wisdom here can help to limit the damage caused by infidelity, and to advise about actions that work or tend to backfire.

You are not alone, and we are thinking of you. You served your country in the service, maybe we can serve you. I hope so.

Your story really resonates with me, my husband was the same. I completely trusted him. If he asked to go out with some co workers, I never had a moment of suspicion. I didn't know this could ever happen to me. Just a few weeks before he admitted his affair, we even talked about getting his parents a new car.

Once he admitted his affair, he ramped it up, slept with her and a month later he kicked me to the curb. Our lease was up and he got an apartment for himself without me. I've since moved back into my family home and for months I have had a difficult time just getting through the days. I have wanted reconciliation so badly, but he has not an ounce of willingness. So I have finally put paperwork in for divorce. Just waiting for the courts to stamp it. I'm still in a lot of pain, but I've started to be able to eat more regularly, and I've found some enjoyment in a few things. It's hard to give up on hope to save the marriage... I don't know how unhealthy it is for me, but I continue to hold a sliver of hope. However, all signs point to D, as he has no remorse, and continues on his selfish ways. In fact, instead of being grateful for all the support I gave him throughout medschool and residency while we were together, he gets angry that I ever bring it up.

You are not alone. A lot of us share your same experience and feelings.

Ask her dad to please respect your need to heal during this time and that he is calling the wrong person.

Think about this - if a husband was beating the fuck out of his wife what would be the optics of the husband’s mom calling the wife and asking her to just take a few more punches.

You are currently in an abuse cycle. You need to get out of it immediately or you could be harmed by orders of magnitude more than you are now. I can unfortunately spend all day linking you examples from this site if you’d like. Start by reading threads by notperfect5.

Thank you all for keeping in touch and reaching out to me. It really has been a crutch during this trying time. To those wondering about the laws in my state we are both still in FL.

This probably isn't the place for it, but I just wanted to vent with something I wrote. I haven't written anything creative in over 10 years... I'd rather post it here as an outlet than send it to her:

Who are you?

Where is the woman I married? Where is the woman who shared her most intimate thoughts, called me the love of her life since she was seventeen years old, built a life with me out of nothing, and had the compassion to trust her entire heart to a man she knew would always love her, cherish her, and accept the person she was or became with all the glory or flaws.

Where has her mind gone?

The woman now is trapped in a fog.

She hears voices in the distance calling out like wind chimes, but no matter how hard she strains she finds little meaning in the words. She is deaf, blind, and numb. Her heart grows cold in the forest as the toxicity in the wind rips the air from her lungs. A tidal wave crashes over her.

She cannot breathe.

Two months ago her husband moved to their new city and she was so happy to show off the apartment that reminded her of a tiny house. She was comforted by the fact she was no longer alone, that the rock in her life was firmly in place, but more so because this was her favorite person in the world. Despite appearances, some rocks are not rocks after all, but magical stones. She considered herself lucky to have found such a special one to call her own. They had taken only their most prized possessions in the move. The space was decorated as such to display only their most intimate portraits and collectibles as if to declare to the universe this plot on the earth was firmly their own.

August 28.

They enjoyed music that conjured memories during the best of unbridled love. The songs rang out like angels celebrating their passion. They drank and they danced, they hugged and kissed, they even bought tshirts to celebrate in the moment. Being together was all that ever mattered and they relished in the fact that despite the chaos of their everyday lives an unwavering devotion tethered them to something blissful in this world.

Sep 19.

Bound by the fondness to make new memories together, she explores the possibility to witness The Northern Lights. She crunches the numbers and after countless hours of research comes to the realization: what was once but a fantasy can now be her reality. She was always prone to fantasy. She was a green, after all.

Oct 6.

The fantasy has consumed her.

She finds herself trapped in her own body, sitting across from her husband in their desk chair as he rests on his knees. He reaches out to touch her but she recoils as his heart bursts out of his chest like an exploding star and paints the room in a combination of blue and greens. A super nova. It is more beautiful than anything she's ever seen, so pure and raw, but no matter how much she wishes to bathe in its image her body and mind refuse to respond to her commands.

It is no longer a dream or a fantasy.

It is a nightmare.

Something has changed. The apartment stinks, the walls are drab, and the pictures she sees are distorted without meaning. Her dog looks at her with confused glances as the man she recognized before her is gone and replaced. In his absence is nothing but a poor replica with a beautiful mask, behind which lurks a shadowy figure propped up on jagged thorns she cannot comprehend. She is allured to the point she can only understand the beautiful mask before her with its whispers that distort reality.

What has happened to her?

She is whisked off in the fog.

The love in her heart once known has somehow faded and the energy to recover it lies dormant and entombed. It screams to escape its prison, to return to things as they once were where the opportunity to mend, change, and grow would lead to her ultimate happiness and salvation. But she is blind, deaf and numb. The beating of her heart is easily mistaken for the empty drum that guides her path.

Another wave crashes over her while the world weeps.

The timeline has broken. Everything is afloat. She must wake up to warn herself before the fall.

Wow Sharkman makes a great comparison. It is absolutely emotional abuse and you don’t need to be a part of it. Keep up the 180 it will help you greatly. Good luck and stay strong. Things will become better.

Sometimes we forget that, and some of the advice can leave a hurting or vulnerable person who has just arrived feeling almost like they are under attack.

Please, understand one thing. Most posters tell you don't make that mistake not because they did the right thing in their own situations, but because they made the same mistakes.

Please don't feel anybody here is attacking you, it's like we see someone about to be hit by a train and we are desperately trying to warn you to get out of the way. We feel an obligation to run across the street and tackle you to get you out of the way, if we could.

I think we all feel an opportunity to prevent you from going down a road of suffering, denial, and appeasement that we have seen all too frequently here, and that many of us wish we could have avoided. Please excuse us if, at times, it comes across as harsh.

You came here for advice and guidance, and there are many SI veterans here with years of experience, and I am also amazed as a group of those here less than a year, ( Stevensn, Shark, M1965, DHH, and a bunch of others) that are giving excellent advice as they understand what we are all trying to do.

Stay with it, keep posting. This shit is hard!

I'm slowly coming to terms ... All of the advice, encouragement, and warnings do not fall on deaf ears.. Thank you

One other thought for you IHF.

You said previously you choose to believe your WW that she has not slept with the OM. I understand this, if it helps you, its OK.

However, if you choose to believe she is telling you the truth and being honest, you need to also believe she is telling you the truth when she says she doesn't love you and wants D. You really can't pick and choose, it will end badly for you.

The better path is to ignore what she SAYS to you and see what her ACTIONS are saying. Actions don't lie. Has she stopped talking/meeting the OM? Has she taken steps to move out of infidelity? Whether she actually slept with this guy or not, at the very least it was an EA and until she accepts that and ends it, you cannot save your marriage.

This is why we recommend the 180. It helps YOU. Not her. You can't control her and you can't force her to stay in the marriage. Many of us have tried, it doesn't work.

And don't ever believe you are weak. You are human, so you are hurting. It does hurt. But it will become easier. Don't be afraid to reach out for help, here or with friends and family. No one is ashamed. Everyone here wants to help, and we sometimes show frustration when we see someone making the same mistakes we made.

Florida has some extreme laws concerning divorce and folks are trying to change them. You need a good divorce attorney for advice. Your wife may owe you a ton of alimony and you may be able to leverage that for a deal on your house if reconcilliation doesn’t happen.

We see a lot of stay at home dads here and other sites. I would suggest to everyone to get a job and keep one. Life is too full of uncertainty to be dependent.

Most people here will tell you sending a letter like that will make you look weak, begging etc. IDK.

The only way I would send it is with divorce papers. Good cop, bad cop.

Btw, what finally shocked my fiancé out of her fog was when I told her she could date anyone she wanted to but she would never see me again.

[This message edited by Chappie at 9:38 AM, October 11th (Wednesday)]

That is a profound, beautiful, and expressive piece of writing, IHF. You are clearly an intelligent and sensitive person, and nothing will change that.

If your WW has lost the ability to see your worth and why she should cherish you, it is truly her loss, for she is swapping something real, good, and solid for a bag of fool's gold.

Given the time-frame of this, I think the old saying, "Act in haste, repent at leisure" is likely to apply to your wife, as the glitter on her fool's gold will start to lose the sparkle that it has at the moment, when it is still so new.

[This message edited by M1965 at 10:02 AM, October 11th (Wednesday)]

Florida has some extreme laws concerning divorce and folks are trying to change them. You need a good divorce attorney for advice. Your wife may owe you a ton of alimony and you may be able to leverage that for a deal on your house if reconcilliation doesn’t happen.

Only married 4 years. Can get up to 4 years of alimony. Judges aren't going to look too kindly on an able bodied man with no children not working unless he's in school full time, so there might be a good chance of getting enough alimony to live on while you finish school. It's worth checking on at least.

Ithasfeels-

That was very well written. The pain you feel is not something that any loyal person deserves, it's worse then losing a loved one. Coming to terms with the marriage dissolving is a very tough thing to do. You will have days going forward when you feel you don't have the strength to get out of bed and you will have days that you are feeling good; at least for the moment. Then everything will seem fucked up all over again. This is the rollercoaster, it's the one no one ever wants to ride. Like stated before, talking to people and staying on this forum is one of the best choices you can make. You will not receive much bad advice here, and being in a sinking ship with other refugees like yourself is always comforting knowing you are not alone.

I think you should drive back to your apartment and to see for yourself what is really going on in your place. Your wife now considers herself separated and anything goes.

Today is the day I find out everything. Wish me luck everyone. The papers are all drawn up, "I need more time to think" is not an option. I'm giving it this one last shot despite some of the veteran advice.

And I've been completely honest with you guys. The truth is, even if she slept with him, if today she tells me she will end it and she wants to try to work things out I will work towards R. We will go to counseling, all that stuff.

I can accept a short fling as long as it stops, I have her heart, and she shows the willingness to work for It. I don't know how it's going to go... But we all know how I want it to go. Regardless, I'm ready for whatever.