SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is kind of sad looking at the man who's heading into the mine field and feeling there's nothing you can do.

We aren't telling you not to give her another chance. We are trying to tell you what works and what doesn't.

You are ready to fight for your marriage? Can you explain, how do you imagine that? What do you mean by fight? How? Can you describe that? Are you hoping that MC will give you some magic recipe how to win your wife back?

Please, during this month at least make her understand that there will be consequences - full transparency, honesty, change the job, maybe postnup, IC for her, etc. Without all that you will be just rewarding her for affair - she fucked another guy and now has ideal husband. And you will live in constant fear of doing something that will make her spread her legs again.

And we really wish you good luck. You will need it.

I'm wishing you well ((((IHF)))).

Some practical advice -:

If you are meeting her in person with the D papers, record your meeting conversation on your phone or a VAR in your pocket.

In the heat of the moment, it's often hard to keep track of how things went down. It was useful for me to listen again when I wasn't quite so emotional.

Remember to STAY CALM.

Difficult, I know (I didn't, and my conversation went off-track)

LISTEN

You don't have to do a whole lot of talking, listen carefully to what she says.

Don't beg her or try to persuade her to come around to your way of thinking.

Keep calm,

Stay strong.

Sending you peace and strength.

MOB

Ugh.

I will still file for divorce then during the one month “reset.”

Maybe I can get something in writing to give me the house. During our phone call she said I could have it, but I need a way to get it in writing since both our names are on the lease. Any advice on that?

Yes! Look out for yourself no matter what you decide. Good luck! This would be one less thing to be concerned about. Make your plan to get out of infidelity and check-off those tasks. ((Hugs)).

Forgot to add - when you meet her, point her to "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda McDonald (there's free pdf on her website).

I knew this would happen. It's typical Wayward speak. I need more time to decide. What kills is while you are promising her that you will move mountains to save the marriage the most she will say is i love you both and I'm not sure.

Cant' be mad at you because your reaction is typical for BSs'. I can understand you stance on not being able to "walk away"...but here are a few problems with it. You will have to figure out how you will deal with them.

- How is she going to go NC when they work together? You love her but she is a proven lier as far as OM. How will you handle her working late or being on travel his month?

- How are you NOT going to do the Pick-me dance? One think that truly backfires is when the bs is killing himself sending flower, notes, messages, dinners out... in an attempt to show ww how great he can be. They either come off as annoying or a doormat.

- How will you work on your marriage issues in MC if you are afraid to show her any thing but that you are thrilled she is taking you back after having sex with OM?

- she still has no remorse... the most she could muster was she loves you both.

- What will you do if she breaks nc? If you are not going to "walk away" after what she has done then you aren't going to walk away because she "Had one drink with him" or called him once or...

- Ok, you've promised to work hard and convince her that she can be forgiven. To show her how great your marriage can be... what is she going to do? How will you ever trust her if she isn't really into reconcile and putting the effort in.

----

I have to say you did really good at the start of the conversation. Telling her that it's now or never and once it's over it's over. It would have been better if you had stuck to this and then gone NC. There was a chance she would have chosen to work on saving the marriage rather than lose you altogether. Right now you get a month of limbo trying to convince your wife that you are better than the guy she just slept with and works with.

Besides immediately getting a job, what are your thoughts about making your self a valuable asset to the marriage. Obviously, being a kept man hasn’t worked out for you. How did you talk yourself into that n the first place?

Experienced and jaded are two different things. We hear The you’re jaded remark several times a month. All that means is your going to take a hard beating from your wife for a while.

My personal experience was a long time ago. I’m glad it happened. I have two wonderful, grown kids because of it.

When I stood up for myself and basically told her to fuck off, fuck anyone she wanted to and never speak to me again, guess who came running back.

I’ve been participating on these boards for about eight years. I’m still hoping someone makes it doing what you’re doing. So far it has never worked. If you play nice, you lose. If you respect yourself and do the work you can make it work. Give her conditions. Did you not notice how she accepted your terms when you told her she would never see you again? That’s the only day of light I have seen.

Keep us informed. Take the 2x4s like they are meant. Like father to son. You won’t get smoke blown up your butt here.

Couldn’t sleep ... wrote more wimpy bullshit

—

The siren of a thousand warnings echo through the fog.

I fumble blindly through the forest, stumbling on jagged footing that shred my feet.

The air is heavy and the rain is hot. It smolders like molten lava against the glacier of my flesh. Each breath is labored and tears my lungs like a screen against tiger claws.

This path was not chosen willingly.

When faced with death and the unknown, I gladly accept the later. Death would have been a swifter end. Instead I walk through miles of betrayal.

There was a time when I knew happiness. I think about it often. Even faced with the here and now my memories steer me from this ungodly fate. I knew passion, devotion, and even love.

But the fog fills my heart with hate.

Fight it!

Don’t give in!

A voice will call out from time to time. It will fill me with a cosmic light and rape the brutalities from my mind. For a second my chest will explode and my soul will sore to the stars. Colors of red, blue, and yellow paint the universe in specters of a dying sun.

Where am I?

Before me floats a familiar shadow, embodied by celestial grace. Although the look and feel are not the same, I recognize her face. Her cackle ruptures the heavens as she conjures before me a distorted life.

I gaze down at the earth below me and my chest aches as I see my wife.

She shares herself with another. They are tangled in the battle of a fiery embrace. Each blow struck withers my insides and I plea to leave this place. But the shadow only laughs.

I’m returned to my hell, this prison. I hear my beloveds voice whispering through the wind. I make out something about forgiveness, before a twisted hand rips at my beating heart from within.

You wish to continue, fool?

The creature locks its talons into a tender vein. I feel a sweet release of endorphins that ease aeons of inexplicable pain. It would be so easy to give up now, but I rise up from the floor.

A tidal wave crashes over me and washes me upon a distant shore. I spit up tar and blackness, nearly drowned in the sea of sorrow. My eyes bleed as I look upon the horizon.

I head into tomorrow.

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 6:54 AM, October 13th (Friday)]

"I told her she must not understand what real love is".

Really? Maybe, just maybe, it is you who doesn't understand what "real" love is.

Real love is trust, being truthful, respect, kindness, self control, faith in each other, nurturing/protecting each others heart, honor, having your partners back, putting your partner first, loving each other unconditionally, it's actions rather then feelings, having boundaries that protect the relationship NO MATTER WHAT, real love communicates, "real love" foresakes ALL others, and let me end this by saying "real love" shouldn't require you to BEG your partner to be with you.

It's interesting in your last conversation with her the very FIRST thing she said to you was that she was with the OM physically last night. Does this sound like someone who exudes all the above about "real love"?

Example. It's your kids birthday and after opening the present you gave them they don't say "thank you". Your wife says to your child, "you get over there and give your father a hug and say "thank you". As a father who wants that hug or thank you after being TOLD to do so. It's way more meaningful when they GET IT and hug you and say thank you on their own volition.

Nobody is saying don't try and just walk away, but be honest, do you think so lowly of yourself that you have to beg your wife to crawl out of another mans bed to come be with you?

You're a man who was in the military. Should you have to beg the guy in the fox hole with you to have your back?

There's a road to "possibly" get to where you want to go, and the wisdom on this site is begging you to listen to them as they've taken the road(s) that were littered with countless mines that they stepped on and by doing so the explosion kept them from reaching the desired destination.

You go to a mechanic to get your car fixed.

You go to a dr when you're sick.

You let your accountant do your taxes.

You go to a dentist for your teeth.

I could go on and on but why are you trying to re-invent the wheel and attempting to do this on your own and forsaking time tested wisdom that could "potentially" get you out of infidelity and where you are hoping to wind up?

Booyah, you are right. I am wrong ... I know it.

My aim is to get back to the new city. She’s agreed to go NC as per our conversation this morning and wants me to come back up there. As for the OM at her work I can’t prevent them from seeing each other there. I won’t ask her to leave her dream job, which makes way too much money.

Those are the facts.

I PLAN to do as a user said, stay guarded and gather evidence as needed. I want to implement the divorce in the new city if it happens, while I’m still there, to hopefully ease the process. During this time I will look to get her to give me in writing, sold rights to our home from the old city. I know for a fact I could sell it for 10-20k profit to get me back on my feet.

In the meantime, in the new city, I already have a job lined up. It’s also my intention to work and start saving so if I do get shafted I won’t be as ill prepared.

How do I make her respect me again? I don’t know. At this moment the complete 180 is out of the question. I didn’t beg her to come back from another mans bed, I presented it as a last option before I became a ghost.

I’m doing a lot of things wrong but I’m also doing what I feel... when we see each other I will make it very clear that last night was the last time she could ever stab me in the heart and expect to be forgiven. Next time, it will kill me and I’ll be gone.

What’s done is done ...

IHF,

If you are following your heart, and what you feel you need to do, then you are doing the right thing for you. I say that because if you did not do it, you would always wonder, "But what if..." By following your heart, you will know.

I hope things work out for you. The fact is, there are no 100% guaranteed right or wrong ways to act in these situations. In any situation in life, we have a set of options, and we pick the one that appeals to us most.

I know some of the advice here may have been hard to read, but people just don't want you to get hurt any more than you already have been. None of it was said because anyone thinks you are naive, or foolish, or whatever. My view of it is, no-one who follows their heart is a fool. It sounds like you are going into this having heard a range of opinions about what may or may not happen, which is the best way to do it.

As I see it, your desire to do this is strong, and if it works, that's great, and if it doesn't work, that's a shame, but what have you lost? A month of your life? If you don't do this, you may spend the next twenty years wishing you had. This way, whatever happens, you will not be haunted by questions for decades.

As far as respect goes, I don't think that is an issue here. For whatever reason, your wife chose to embark on this journey. I certainly don't think it was caused by any disrespect for you. And your willingness to give her another chance, and to offer her the option of one last try, is not any reason for her to disrespect you either, any more than any other betrayed spouse offering a wayward partner a chance at reconciliation is a cause for disrespect. If it was, there would be no point for anyone to ever attempt reconciliation.

I really wish you well with this IHF, and I hope it goes the way you want it too. Keep your eyes open, be prepared, and impress upon your wife that there is no point for any dishonesty any more. Reconciliation can only work if both people are committed and honest in the process.

None of this adds up.

I've read your whole thread and I wish you luck in doing this but....

She’s agreed to go NC as per our conversation this morning and wants me to come back up there. As for the OM at her work I can’t prevent them from seeing each other there. I won’t ask her to leave her dream job, which makes way too much money.

Just don't see how this is going to work. She will go NC except for when she sees him every day at work? Then there is not really No Contact. Just be clear on what you are getting into here. You have agreed to have a month long competition with your wife's BF for her affection. You are going to compete. I wish you well. The problem with this competition is that he has a lot of advantages. At least you could be aware that you are in this competition because he knows it.

I won’t ask her to leave her dream job, which makes way too much money.

If the money means that much to you then accept she's going to cheat on you.

1st off this situation is going to put you at an extreme disadvantage. This is a huge month long pick-me dance.

I know this is likely to happen, sex. Use protection no matter what she tells you

90% or greater she has been having unprotected sex. You to keep yourself safe.

I won’t ask her to leave her dream job

That should be your NUMBER 1 demand!!!

Ithasfeels

So by now you've seen that most of the posters here swear by the cheaters handbook. it pretty much works out that every cheater follows the same pattern, has the same mindset and the affair is much worse or longer than you know. But, even if that is mostly true, it doesn't cover absolutely every affair 100%. You've chosen to risk heartbreak one more time in an effort to salvage your marriage and you've made it clear that you know what your exposing yourself to. I can respect that and wish you the best of luck.

One of the shortcomings of this site is the variation in the posters communication and writing skills. Some post continuously, outlining every conversation or action taken. Others, like you, tend to be concise and summarize actions and conversations resulting in our knowing much less about the cheating spouses mental situation. Posters tend to take every little thing and extrapolate from there to build the scenario. We tend not to remember that the spouses know each other best and in this case your wife doesn't seem to have turned into another completely different person.

Your right about giving much thought to the upcoming meet. You must walk a fine line between the aggrieved spouse and doing the pick me dance. I feel the biggest hurtle you will have is to assure yourself that she is not communicating with the other man during the 30 days. She owes you that.

How long has she known this guy?

She loves you both?

It took me many months (6+) before I truly loved my wife when we first started dating.

She loves sleeping with him, the limerence more than anything.

Look up limerence

Good luck man, I truly hope it works out for you.

The incident is so fresh and you are so immersed in emotions, you are very raw right now. That is why you go bouncing between decisions and emotions, it is the rollercoaster. Soon add anger to that (the stages of reacting to infidelity: Shock and awe, pick me dance (sometimes), cool off period, becoming aware of how badly f..d up actually the situation was followed by the anger stage (how could s/he do it??). You will probably go through these regardless of whether or not you R with her or D her. I think the possibility of you earning her back for good is much higher if your serve her the D papers than asking her to give your M another month with NC. This is unfortunately how it often works as far as I could read from other people's posts. When confronted with the seriousness of the reality, many WSs break down and want to stay in the M. And if you have hope that you can handle a M with this new information about her, go ahead and do it but it will likely be not a long lasting option if you are "the nice guy", she has to see what consequences are waiting for her and the only way to shake her up to reality is serving her the D papers. I finish with the cliche but very true statement "if you want to save your M you have to risk losing it." good luck.

[This message edited by burcm at 4:19 PM, October 13th (Friday)]

How do I make her respect me again? I don’t know. At this moment the complete 180 is out of the question. I didn’t beg her to come back from another mans bed, I presented it as a last option before I became a ghost.

You don't plead, cry or beg. You don't wallow in infidelity.

You cannot control her or make her do anything. You can only control yourself by refusing to live in infidelity.

I see this all the time. "I'm fighting for my marriage"? Look she married you and took vows. If she broke them and doesn't want to fight to be married to you. What are you gonna fight for?

Your marriage ended when she had her affair. It's just a worthless piece of paper now.

If she doesn't pick you there is nothing much to fight for.

I get you want to save this but you can't do it without her wanting back in.

Keep reading here. Prepare for what you are about to go through.

Knowledge is power and can only help you.

Good luck