SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some parents say that if another child hits you-hit them back. Some parents say that you should turn your back and walk away. They just aren't worth it. They just aren't worth it. I just don't see many saying they are worth it and you should punch them back and get your pound of flesh even if you hurt yourself in the process.

This isn't just some random person hitting you. This is your spouse. What strangers do to me may piss me off but 30 minutes later I really don't care anymore. But this is someone you have built a life with- your friend, your lover, the mother/father of your children, they do matter, they are worth it.

That's why betrayal is far worse than some random person mugging you and then beating the shit out of you. You can write that off as some asshole sociopath that you didn't know and will never see again.

What do you do when your spouse, the person you literally trust your life with, does something that evaporates your world? Just walk away? Sounds easy enough. Fuck the 10 or 20 years we have lived as friends, lover, parents. You fucked someone else, so see ya!

Go a step further, what do you do when that person betrays you and then acts like they don't give a shit about you- the years, the friendship, the love, the children you had together. Fuck it all you divorce them, right? Your mind is stuck in cement trying reconcile your entire marriage and life, but fuck it all I'm seeing an attorney today because they aren't worth it. Thing is after all this, your own ego is ground to dust and you aren't worth it either. There is no one to hurt because you are nothing. There is one person that took all that away and they don't see to care. So fuck it, I'll go fuck whoever I want until I feel like something. I'll put a noose around my neck maybe, that will show her (him).

They are weak choices but you are weak. There is no logic in you after an affair. Just a mix of shitty emotions that you can't make sense of anymore. Logic would lead you to a divorce lawyer of course, but its rarely ever that easy. I admire those people that have that resolve. I think I have it now, after getting scarred and bruised up, but sure as hell didn't a year or so ago.

This thread escalated quickly... to any wayward who cheated first...i really want to emphasize that not everything is an RA. An RA to me would imply having set out to use another person for sex, not even enjoyment or excitement, with the express intention to hurt the WS first. The betrayed sleeping with other people after the WS shit on their lives isn’t necessarily an RA, the term isn’t all encompassing, and not every situation can be construed as the BS trying to seek vengeance. In a lot of cases it’s about finding what’s the right path for the BS to take. As i have stated before, and many of you have, there are consequences to cheating...one of them may be that the betrayed needs to explore their own life and relationships to determine whether or not staying with the betrayer is what they truly want. I mean, what do we do when we are single? We try to form intimate relationships with others to find happiness...what’s the difference for a BS? If they are open about their intentions and feelings with the WS? For me it was never about digging a knife into my cheating wife’s back...there was no joy in that for me...it was about seeing what the world had to offer after the termination of the world i had known came to be. Had i never been betrayed, i would have never questioned my existence. There was no void to fill elsewhere.. So no I’m not just another WS with wayward behavior like my xw. I have been with my current GF for a while now, and just like my exw BEFORE she hurt me, i have no inclinations to seek validation else where because she is more than enough, and i am content with myself. I think categorizing betrayeds who choose to stand up for themselves and seek happiness after being betrayed as just another form of wayward mentality is biased. If ws and bs want to reconcile after everything then yes, remorse is necessary, but only because we don’t wish to hurt the one you love. But if a bs isn’t sure what they love anymore, and vocalize it openly, they are not the same caliber as a wayward who lies, treats the unknowing bs like trash, etc. For the first cheater to even think it’s ok to expect loyalty from someone they showed none to is mightily presumptuous, and selfish in its own right. To call a bs trying to find happiness or self respect esteem etc after the WS TOOK it from them wayward behavior, tends to categorically lump Madhatter BSs intro the same category as the Initial WS, which is also not accurate. I think if a WS loves their betrayed so much and never meant to hurt them, they need to recognize that in effect, the betrayed owed no loyalty to them after their affairs, and should view the bs as single who they are trying to win back.

to any wayward who cheated first...i really want to emphasize that not everything is an RA.

Totally agree. Neither my husband nor I would call his cheating a RA. Did me cheating impact his decision? Yes, we don't live in a vacuum. But it wasn't revenge.

Marilyn

We were playing a dangerous game of I got you last. Puerile? Yes. Stupid? You bet. I knew exactly what I was doing. Her parents were among the most intolerant individuals I had ever met. Racist, and bigoted. Her AP was a recent immigrant, from a group that her dad despised. My call did exactly what I wanted. Her mom knew that I fucked around. Her Mom also knew that she had destroyed me financially, and it would take years to rebuild. She actually said to me on the phone that I was just trying to split the family, then I put the boss on the phone, and he confirmed that I had gotten physical and my wife was fired. (Also, completely intended on my part, he was a staunch catholic and would never stand for that in his company). When she told me she slept with someone else, the balance was off. She had gotten me back sufficiently, the little extra was enough to put me into a revenge mode, that if I were able at that point, I would have destroyed her permanently. My hatred knew very few bounds at that point. I laughed at her humiliation. I told her that fine, marriage over, and here, you get to lose everything you worked for for five years. You get to have your credit destroyed for seven years. So, when she told me that she had heaped some additional stuff on my head, I went nuclear on her. She did not believe that I would go so far. I told her that I could not be happier I had wrecked her life. I wreck the marriage, she wrecks my life, she fucks someone else, so I wreck her life. Revenge was sweet, may sound like a sociopath, but when you are thinking with adrenalin, shit happens.

It did happen for a reason. We were literally left with nothing. She was housebound, looking for a job, penniless with no support system as I had taken it from her. I was living in my Mom's basement. I was making about half of my former income, and because of my wrath I began turning most of it over to her. That is how we reconciled. From ashes.

So, crazymixedupkid...what do you suppose would have happened if she hadn't closed your business but had had a RA? How might your reaction have been different if at all?

Or, what if she closed the business but never had the RA? Or alternatively, if she'd closed the business and was never able to attract the coworker AP, but expressed to you her (one sided) lust and intentions to pursue him? (I've done that before... paraded around a guy I lusted for, in front of a cheater ex, a guy who I never actually ended up getting)

Maybe you wouldn't have gone eye for an eye with destroying her career, but would you have still snitched her to Mommy? And yes I stand by what I said before. Her mother is an insane piece of shit. With mommies like those, who needs hell.

Nicenomore and Randy, excellent posts.

I'm just going to say I was in a 8 year relationship with the father of my 1st child. We did the revenge affair thing (he cheated 1st)....over and over and over. When does it stop? It never did and eventually I grew disgusted by him and what's worse with myself. I think even with all my FOO issues this man is what broke me into a million horrible pieces.

Wait Julie. You were 12 when you first got pregnant?? Am I reading that right??!

MHM

Of course her mother was a bigot, and she did what she did because it challenged her morals and EXTREME RELIGIOUS BELIEF. This also occurred because I had extremely poor coping skills, and reacted with anger and violence. She was bloody lucky that when she told me, I did not take it out on her (yes-30 years on the couch and medication changed my violent tendencies-different guy back then-she knew it, just did not think that I would show up at her office and take the little prick apart-and the best was that he could not call the police, he was here illegally and was scared of deportation-which I facilitated quite quickly) Then again, coping skills? Visceral reactions? I did not bother thinking through the affair and the aftermath. I wanted BLOOD. I got it. Sure I had the original affair. Losing my business was a fairly good consequence, it was when she wanted to heap a little more punishment on me that I went nuclear. If she had not gone there or just even did one thing, I could have gotten past it, she knew when she saw me dragging J through her office that she had gone too far, and knew me enough that I was going to end her on the spot. I surely did. Her sis told me that when she went home that nite, she basically sat in a corner and rocked, she had nobody to talk to. Her kid sister came over and watched our daughter. My wife was having a total meltdown, much like I had. Tit for tat. 30 years down the road, with lots of therapy, and we got past all of it at the ten year mark. We are in a much better place now, the marriage returned better than ever.

Lol no I was 18 when I had my first child. I was with that man from 13-21. Then with my H from 22 til now and I'm 37. I think about it now and I should have just walked away shit RUN away. But he demeaned me and made me feel like I would be nothing without him. So I stayed and got pulverized and still I ended up feeling like nothing. Oh and my older kids are my stepchildren for clarification.

[This message edited by JulieMarie at 12:20 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Crazymixedupkid....you're scary AF.

[This message edited by JulieMarie at 12:22 PM, November 15th (Wednesday)]

Okay Julie that makes more sense. Thanks for clarifying.

Julie Marie

I used to be. Needed a lot of therapy to overcome my violent tendencies and my anger. Took 30 years, but , I no longer act in that manner. I do yoga, and TM, and am now a voice for peace and non-violence. During my youth, and up until my 40's I was a write off emotionally. This arose from several factors, that I dealt with and eliminated from my life. I am not the person who did those awful things in retaliation. I grew the fuck up. She understood that, I was the bad boy who grew up and became responsible.

The OP will not be returning to this thread.

You seem to be moderately self aware, and yet you stay in a horrible abusive marriage based on logic. You are setting yourself up for nothing but heartache and pain. Living in a small apartment and week to week living is tough, no doubt, but it's still a million times better then staying in a toxic marriage. My ex was souless narcissist with whom I spent 25 years raising five children. We all agree in retrospect we'd of been better off living in poverty then continuing to live with money.

The not leaving justification based on money is an excuse, no matter how you cut it. He would have to pay child support and you could utilize welfare if need be.

You are miserable and yet you stay and insist an RA makes it better. I think you are denying a lot of what is really going on. You should look into trauma bonding and narcissist abuse syndrome. He may not be personality disordered, but he's utilized a lot of their practices (gas lighting, TT, etc) and it absolutely interferes with your ability to live a healthy happy life.