SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t think I ever commented, but i did follow this thread since I had been pondering the same situation. I made the decision Friday to end things with my SO. On paper he was perfect for me, I was comfortable with him, secure, trusted him, knew he loved me. Last weekend though, our differences finally opened my eyes up wide and I realized I want more than just the comfort. I want to get married again someday, but I need more compatibility and passion than what we had. It sucks, we are both hurting but now can hopefully find someone better suited to us. I think you should do the same :(

Brentwood,

I don't feel I came to any significant conclusions one way or the other, regardless of how it reads online.

He has things about him that grind my gears but there are other things that make me feel safe with him:

-He has included my dog as part of his life

-treated my family with respect

-helped me financially during a recent rough patch (it's a loan in my eyes, but it showed me he wants to make sure I'm secure). He's a good provider.

-He always calls and texts to touch base with me

-he does little things like warms up my car in the morning so I don't have to

-is affectionate and gentle

-asks about my day, asks how my family is doing

-hardworking

For every annoying quality, I find a really nice quality that I know is hard to find around my age group----I dated A LOT after my divorce.

Quite frankly, I am tired and I don't want to throw a way a man with all of these qualities when I may never find someone close again. I have to think about what is good for my future. Stability is good for my future...and I know he can provide that.

I edited to add details.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 3:53 PM, December 31st (Sunday)]

I think you are settling with him because you're scared you won't find better. I think you both deserve better partners. He deserves someone who doesn't question if he is "good enough." And you deserve someone who you are attracted to. Is staying with him because he's "safe" worth the risk to not be with someone with good qualities AND passion?

Honestly, I thought my relationship with my XH was great - until he cheated. Even then, I tried my best to make things work out. I didn't realize that a relationship like the one I have with my husband existed until we got together! Sure we annoy each other, but our core beliefs line up and we complement each other well.

I truely believe that love is a choice, we can choose to see the beauty and value in a person and grow in love with them. I was a high school girl when I met my XWH and yes he gave me butterflies and we were filled with passion and attraction for one another. I never stopped being attracted to him but the passion did fade as real life, bills, children and responsibilities took hold of us. I am now married to a man with whom I have comfort and partnership like I never experienced with XWH he is handsome but about 40lbs overweight. I do not normally look at him and think gee I can't wait to get you in the bed, but I do look at him and know how lucky and blessed I am to have him. At the end of every day I am fully contented to lie in his arms and cuddle while we watch a movie. My husband is good, kind and helpful. He is truely my partner in every way and no one has ever before believed in me and stood in my corner like my hubby. Passion has it's place but I will take comfort and partnership for the long haul. We just celebrated 4 years of marriage and I am absolutely happy and content

You’re settling. Be braver. You know better. That’s why you asked the question in the first place. Trust your gut. You’re the mighty JellyGirl

SO, I'll say this. I had a "Friend with Benefits" for almost a year. It was great. We had so much fun together. There was no real comfort, it was all passion.

Then I put things on hold for a bit so I could date a guy who, on paper, sounded great for me. He was in a band, had a great job, was an insanely really nice guy. But the sex was awful (for me, anyway) and there was zero passion. He even snored so I couldn't sleep when I was at his place. I tried to love him, but 5 months later I just couldn't feel it at all. So I broke up with him. As soon as I did (like that day) I had my Friend return.

That was last night. I feel great today. We had amazing sex last night and I slept so well. He is such a fun guy, but I could never marry him.

I think that right now in my life I just need to have fun and let lose. I still have alot of healing to do and I'm not in the place to be in a relationship. One day I will be but that day is not today. So I'm just going to live my life and have some fun.

What funny is how at the end of my marriage, my ex started to talk about how he would like to be dating again. But he is still with OW. I'm the one out there dating and having fun, he is the one who settled.

Passion or whatever only gets you so far and usually it fades with time. If he's a great guy, there is physical attraction and you both enjoy each others companionship then what's the problem?

You can always go searching for that next best thing, it's human nature, but sometimes it's right in front of us. Just something to consider.

I’m with HappyTree. I’ve dated several guys now since NASA my exSO. They all seem like goobers because one thing or another is amiss. Some of them are genuinely nice guys. I recently turned a goober into a FWB because even though I’m ready for a more serious relationship I’m possibly moving 2,000 miles away for grad school. So for right now I’ll have some lovely male companionship.

Those who have SO’s who get the eye roll do they know they are not long term material?

Those who have SO’s who get the eye roll do they know they are not long term material?

In my case, yes. I have said it no less than 5 times that I am NOT getting married to him. Just like I said to my ex SO of two years. In the first relationship, he poured his heart into me, hoping to change my mind. He ultimately ended it when he saw he couldn't.

In this current relationship, he makes all kinds of future plans that I don't lock into. I just listen. He has told me that he sees things my way for the most part...that he has come around to the idea that having two households and spending quality time together as much as possible works for him. Sooooo, oh dear. lol I know he means for right now and he still does say that one day he'd like to be married again. But he agrees with me for now that we have a good situation and neither of us is trying to get married this year. (Unlike SO #1 who's main goal was to re-marry ASAP.)